


Giants

by stygianalpha



Series: follow me (wherever i go) [1]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety Disorder, Aromantic Character, Cannibalism, Explicit Sexual Content, Minor Character(s), Minor Original Character(s), Murderers, Nonbinary Character, Other, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-19
Updated: 2016-05-06
Packaged: 2018-02-21 03:52:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 133,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2453717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stygianalpha/pseuds/stygianalpha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The neighbor is a tease, and Felix gravitates to him anyway. </p><p>:://<br/>1st act is a sitcom, with murder.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. counting down the hours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i started this as a joke. :c
> 
> modern au that happens to include college setting for quite a while.  
> not an actual college au.
> 
> things to know:  
> 1\. Felix is nonbinary  
> 2\. Tucker is trans  
> 3\. Sister is trans
> 
> ** please take note: the comments will not sync up with the chapters until chapter 14. i had an issue with all other 13 chapters becoming disorganized and forgot that 'manage chapters' is an option. so i manually fixed it instead of just... reordering them. perhaps someday i'll go through and see if i can't get the comments to match the proper chapter.
> 
> continue on.

The best thing about college kids was the parties. Specifically, the ones that Felix had time to prepare for, the ones that were usually thrown in his apartment and consisted of people he knew. It was a hell of a way to end a week, especially the rough ones that dragged on forever. He’d spend a few hours with people he didn’t despise, maybe go home with one of them to get laid. And there was always plenty of drinks, plenty to eat too because there was always one drunk dumbass calling for pizza. Once one drunk dumbass suggested pizza, the whole fucking party wanted pizza and some poor guy had to deliver fifteen pizzas and try to act professional with Kaikaina Grif hanging off the doorframe and spouting an endless stream of sexual anecdotes.

Wouldn’t be so bad if at some point she hadn’t lost her shirt, but whatever. She had a bra on. Wasn’t like she was naked.

Thank God for small miracles.

But the pizza had come, like, hours ago, and now all of it was gone and Felix’s apartment was too full of people for this late at night. Too many sweaty people pressed against each other, too many bodies, too many voices. Felix was sure the apartment should be empty - he certainly wanted it to be empty. He had kind of had enough of this crowd after two hours, but here it was. Three in the fucking morning, and no one was leaving.

And his terrible roommates weren’t helping. Wash had gone into his room two hours ago and after Sister checked on him, turned out that he had fallen asleep. Somehow. By some fuckin’ miracle, that piece of shit was asleep even with the yelling and the music.

Tucker was in the living room with an arm around Sister, arguing with one of his friends so loudly he was pretty much yelling. Or at least that was what Felix thought until Sister opened her mouth and screamed obscenities at her brother, who naturally started on her instead of Tucker. Together, they managed to be louder than the music and the entire crowd.

“It’s a goddamn Grif fight,” Felix said to himself. He stood between the living room and the kitchen, between groups of drunken assholes, surrounded by people he either didn’t know or didn’t care about. He watched the argument, wondering just what exactly had started a Grif fight under his roof.

The drunk guy closest to him seemed to think Felix was talking to him and tried to answer. His word slurred together, he laughed in the middle of it, and Felix sidestepped him entirely to stumble into the kitchen. There was a couple in the corner kissing with far too much skin showing and hands everywhere. Felix ignored them, slammed the empty bottle he held down by the sink, and headed to get another from the fridge. There were definitely too little drinks left he thought, snatching the least disgusting one out and twisting the cap off.

Jesus Christ, he had resorted to cheap beer with twist-off caps and a shitty aftertaste.

With the growing noise of the Grif siblings and the music that someone had turned up, he was about three seconds away from kicking people out instead of letting the party wind down on its own. He was on the edge of a headache and now someone was pounding at the door too - great, lovely, more noise. Felix cast a look over to it. Not a single person had moved to answer it, nah, of course not. He squeezed through a group of partygoers to the door. No idea who it could be. Too late for people to show up - he thought so, anyway. Maybe someone had called for other people. It wouldn’t be the first time people showed up at outrageous hours. More pizza would be nice, if someone could pull that off.

But, no, it wasn’t a person wanting to party.

Just a rush of cool night air and a really angry neighbor.

Felix took one look at the guy and amended that thought instantly to a really hot angry neighbor. This guy was young and tall, wit dark hair and brown skin, glaring down at Felix. His hair was pulled up messily and hehad thrown a jacket on over loose pants. The first thing he said was, “Either turn the music down or turn it off,” in the single most attractive voice that Felix had heard in ...ever.

Felix grinned, leaning against the doorframe. Hopefully it looked casual and not like he was about to fall over on his ass. He had been drinking, yeah, but not enough to trip over himself. “Oh, come on,” he said, brandishing the drink in his hand in the direction of the noise behind him. Or at least he meant to. Kind of gestured to the wall closest to him, but whatever. “Don’t you wanna join? You’re free to, y’know, got enough people here I barely know. A lot of them I don’t want to know. You, though…” He paused to trail his eyes over this hot neighbor guy.

Goddamn. Guy was tall and broad, and Felix really hoped that was due to muscles.

He said, “You can come on in, stay a while, stay the whole night.”

This neighbor, this super hot neighbor that he had somehow missed until now, he didn’t seem to be affected at all by what Felix was saying. Still just really angry. “I’ve changed my mind. End the party,” he said.

Sounded like a threat. Felix took the time to drink more and instantly regretted it because holy shit that was awful. “I’m gonna kick the ass of the guy that brought this,” he muttered, frowning at the drink in his hand. He looked back up at his neighbor. At his super hot neighbor with really pretty eyes. Fantastic. “Party ends when it ends,” he said, straightening up off the doorframe. “I don’t have control over that, so sorry. Maybe you can file a complaint with the police.”

Maybe Felix shouldn’t bring up the cops ‘cause this guy looked like he might do that. Hopefully not. It’d ruin part of his hotness if he went around relying on the police. Somewhere in the apartment, there was the sound of glass breaking.

Felix ignored it and the neighbor’s next words, cutting him off to say, “Look, I’m really sorry about the noise. It kind of got out of hand. But I tell you what, you gimme your name, and maybe your number, and then I can make it up to you. Say… any time you’re free? I can just drop by your apartment…?” He had leaned closer while he spoke, peering up at this guy, examining the look in his eyes. So angry. There were a lot of things Felix could do to ease this guy’s anger, like a blowjob or being fucked so hard his hips hurt. It’d be good for both of them.

“All I want is for you to end this party.”

“Why, though? It’s a fuckin’ great party.” And why turn down his offer? Totally good offer, one of a kind. …Except not really because he had used that same bullshit on weak-willed people before. Maybe with better words and when he was completely sober, but still.

“I have a class at eight,” the guy said.

Whatever he said next was ignored because Felix started laughing. Fuckin’ hot neighbor guy was a goddamn nerd. When he finally managed to get ahold of himself and talk again, his neighbor was looking at him like he was an idiot. Felix said, “No… no, okay. I- I totally ….totally understand you. But, uh… you should really loosen up, have a drink. You look tense. Let me help you relax, yeah?” Namely by riding his dick until they were both exhausted.

God, this was like the worst he had ever done at flirting, and this goddamn guy only looked like he was getting more and more annoyed. Furrowed brow, unwavering frown. And he wasn’t just looking down at Felix, no, he was looking at Felix like he wasn’t worth the time or the effort or anything. Should have been disappointing, but it was actually kind of hot and Felix ignored whatever the guy said to frown at the drink in his hand. He had definitely had too much to drink if being looked at like he wasn’t worth anything was turning him on.

“Hold that thought,” he said to the neighbor. He paused to turn, grab the nearest person, and shove the beer he held into their hand. No more drinks, nope.

When he turned back to the door, the hot neighbor was gone and he actually took a few steps out of the apartment to look for the guy, head twisting around - because, really, he had to spot this guy. Felix’s apartment was on the fifth floor; even if this guy lived like a floor above or below, he’d be on the stairs. There was nothing but the bass pounding behind him and the breeze floating through. He stood there, frowning at the door to the apartment across from his, until Sister’s voice cut through the music and voices.

“Hey, Felix! Some people went in your room!”

He cursed and spun back to the apartment, slamming the door closed and shoving his way back through the crowd. It was like an unspoken rule that no one ever went in Felix’s room, especially not a couple looking to bang on his bed. And when he got there, Tucker was saying that was exactly what was going on. Felix grabbed his arm and yanked him into the room to help pull the two of them apart. At least they hadn’t made it to the bed yet.

Felix kicked both of them out personally, took the time to tell them not to ever come back. He didn’t know them, Tucker said he didn’t know them, so obviously they shouldn’t be here anyway. “You can’t just invite yourself into my fuckin’ room,” he told them. The girl looked like she was going to cry. Pathetic. “Go to school. Learn some things.”

He shut the door on them standing there, the hot neighbor forgotten about.

✹ ✹ ✹

Felix didn’t wake up until past twelve and by the time he had showered and made it down the small hallway to the living room, it was closer to one. And the apartment, he found, was empty save for himself and had been left in a gigantic mess. Trash was scattered over the floor, empty bottles and plastic cups on every surface, pizza boxes and paper plates all over the tables. Felix sighed, ran a hand over his face, and set to cleaning up the mess.

Of course neither of his asshole roommates had bothered to do anything before they left. Wash would have left for classes before eight, he knew, and since Wash hadn’t been involved with the party, he hadn’t stayed to clean. But Tucker… that motherfucker had no excuse. As far as Felix knew, Tucker’s classes didn’t even start until noon, and he didn’t have work or else he wouldn’t have thrown a party last night. When he picked up a half-full bottle and spilled half of it onto his shirt, Felix vowed to punch Tucker in the face for taking off before cleaning up even a little bit.

An hour later, Felix had three trashbags filled with garbage and had spilled another two drinks on himself. God, he was going to need another shower. A really, really long shower. But before that, he was going to drag these goddamn garbage bags out to the nearest dumpster. The only problem with that plan was that a fifth-floor apartment and a long walk to the dumpster meant multiple trips. After the first one, he wished he could just throw the damn things over the railing to the ground. After the second one, he stopped to text Tucker a really long, really violent text that primarily concerned how Felix was going to pull his eyes out if he was ever left to clean a mess that big by himself.

He was standing before his door after the third trip, wiping his hands off on his jeans when he glanced up at approaching footsteps. Standing at the top of the staircase was that tall, dark-haired neighbor of his - the oh-so-hot and angry neighbor that had disturbed his party. Felix stared, and the guy stared back until his eyes narrowed and he turned his head.

In the instant before the guy started to move, Felix thought about letting him go without a word or apologizing for the noise last night. Or his terrible flirting, goddamn, why couldn’t he have forgotten that? Instead, what he said was, “You gotta problem or something? Or do you stare at everyone like that?”

The man’s gaze turned back to him in an instant. They were standing four feet apart and Felix could still swear his eyes looked better in the daylight.

Before he could say anything, Felix added, “Maybe you’re just into me, yeah? Too stunted to know how to flirt with someone?” He wanted to hit himself because he knew there was nothing flirtatious in that guy’s expression. Just irritation, like Felix was the last person he wanted to see right now. Still, he found himself painting on a suggestive smile and saying, “I might make some time for you anyway. Maybe show you how to get someone's attention properly.”

And then, this neighbor, he smiled for an instant, made a sound like he was choking back laughter. He said, “You smell like you’ve taken a bath in alcohol. It’s terrible.”

Felix frowned, pulling at his shirt. He had, somehow, forgotten that he had spilled all that beer on himself. “Ohh, goddammit,” he hissed. He looked back up in time to see the door across the way swinging shut and then glanced back down at himself. Smelled like a homeless drunk, great time to flirt with a hot guy - and terribly too, holy shit. He let himself into his apartment with a sigh, heading to shower without even bothering to lock the door.

He spent the whole shower thinking about this guy and how both times he had looked at him, all Felix had done was spout what was easily some of the worst flirting he had done in his life. Gonna be really hard to get that guy if he wasn’t completely and totally on point. Especially since he had been a drunk asshole their first meeting. He spared a few seconds thought on giving up on entirely ‘cause two embarrassing encounters was usually more than enough for him to lose interest.

And then he was thinking of the hot neighbor guy’s pretty eyes and dark hair. Of how Felix could see the muscles of his arms today; just a bit, but enough to know that the guy had to be built. God, and he was tall - so tall, like almost a foot taller than Felix, easy - and he had a voice that was like velvet, smooth and rough at the same time. His thoughts got out of control then, centering on hearing that voice while he was being fucked, and now Felix was jacking off in the shower to some guy he had only met twice and barely talked to.

Didn’t even know his name.

He at least had to find out the guy’s name. Then maybe he’d drop it. Just flirt casually with him in passing, maybe actually flirt well for once.

Yeah. He could make that work, he was certain of it.

Felix tried not to think about the guy the rest of the day. He wiped down some surfaces that were sticky from booze and god only knew what else, ordered Chinese food, and flopped onto the couch to watch TV all day. He didn’t have to work tonight, so why not lounge around? It worked for a while, until Wash was standing in front of him with his backpack still on his shoulders and an annoyed look on his face. Specifically, the annoyed look that meant Felix was going to be some kind of bullshit lecture again.

Great.

Wash said, “Did you piss off a neighbor?”

Felix glanced around him at the TV. Commercials. “Pretty sure you already know the answer to that. You wanna make this quick? I don’t wanna miss this show.” He was just watching repeats, but no one needed to know that.

“You’ve got to stop angering the neighbors,” Wash said.

‘“Technically speaking, the _party_ pissed off a neighbor,” Felix said. “But sure - let’s put all the blame on me.”

“Sooner or later, someone is going to file complaints - “

“They already have.”

“ - and we’re all going to be kicked out.” He fixed Felix with a look that was almost a glare, but not quite. Like he was just holding back on the full brute force of his anger.

God, this was the eighth time he had heard this shit in the six months he had lived there. Don’t throw so many parties, don’t make so much noise, don’t piss off the neighbors. Wash seemed to have the idea that every time a party was thrown, he was in danger of being out on the streets. It was ridiculous ‘cause at least one person filed a complaint after every one and they still lived there. Felix was positive the old guy in charge of this place was a little off the fuckin deep end. The last time Felix had come within shouting distance of the guy, he’d been told to eliminate the enemy. Didn’t even want to know what the hell that was supposed to have meant.

But the point was - Felix’s parties weren’t going to get them kicked out. They could have a body stashed in a wall and he was sure he could get away with it by telling the landlord it was ‘the enemy’.

One day Wash might understand that, but today he was just saying the same old things. That he and Tucker had accepted Felix as their roommate expecting him to be better than this and that they had had a good reputation in the building before Felix moved in. He was only halfway paying attention, eyeing the TV around Wash and waiting for the commercials to end.

And as soon as they did, Felix shifted over to see the screen clearly. Wash threw a glance behind him and rolled his eyes. “Really? You’ve seen this entire show at least three times.”

“It’s a good show, Wash. You should sit down and watch it. Stop bothering me.”

Wash shifted where he stood, sighing. “Look, Felix - This is the one neighbor I would rather you didn’t make angry. Seriously, the guy is probably dangerous. Don’t provoke him.”

“Right. Gotcha. Throw parties. Anger the hot neighbor.”

“Felix.”

He glanced over at Wash, at the strained way his face was set, and then settled his gaze back on the TV. Angry Wash was nothing new. He motioned for Wash to leave, saying, “I promise you that I will not harass our hot neighbor.”

“Yeah, that’s another thing. Can you maybe not flirt with that guy?”

“...Why not?”

“Because he’s a major creep,” Wash said. He glanced across the living room at his bedroom door then back to Felix. “Just… don’t talk to him at all. Don’t even look at him. Go back to not knowing he exists.”

It took a second for Felix to react to that, but when he did, Wash had finally earned all of his attention. He forgot about the television entirely, twisting around to watch Wash start across to his bedroom. Probably going to hide in there for the rest of the day - studying, he always said - and Felix called out to him: “Wait - Wait! What do you mean, he’s a creep? Do you know the hot neighbor? Is that what that means?”

Wash sighed, and Felix’s face exploded into a grin. He just about vaulted over the couch, scrambling the last few inches and slid up beside Wash. “Ohh, Wash, buddy,” he practically cooed, taking hold of Wash’s arm and yanking until Wash’s eyes slid down to him. “Why haven’t you mentioned this before?” He was dutifully ignoring the fact that Wash clearly thought he was stupid. “You gotta at least tell me the guys name, Wash. I saw him today, right - ”

And then he was spilling the whole story about the trash and the multiple trips, how he ran into that guy outside. Right on the tail end of his story, the front door swung open again. He had enough time to glance over and see Tucker dropping his bag by the fridge before Wash said, “If I tell you his name, you’re going to drop this.”

“Yeah, sure. Anything you want.”

“His name is Locus, he’s in like three of my classes, and he’s fucking creepy.” He paused to snatch his hand away from Felix and reached for his door.

From the kitchen, Tucker said, “Wait, is that the tall and muscle-y dude?” When Felix glanced over at him again, he had a hand raised over his head like he was measuring someone’s height, eyebrows raised. He was holding a glass in one hand, standing in front of the open fridge. “That’s who you’re talkin’ about, right? Man… That guy is such an asshole.”

Felix turned away from Wash. Let him stew in his room all day if he wanted to. All of Felix’s attention landed on Tucker instead. “You know him too?” he asked. Tucker nodded, turning back to the fridge and digging around in it. “Seriously? Both of you knew we had a hot neighbor and no one bothered to tell me? How hard would it be, really?”

Tucker didn’t even look at him when he answered. He had pulled meat and cheese and three different condiments out of the fridge. “Dude, he’s been by here about six different times. Complaining about our parties and shit. I’m amazed you missed him up until now. He lives right across from us.”

“You’re kidding.”

“Nope. Do you wanna sandwich?”

Of course he wanted a sandwich. Why the fuck would he turn down food? He settled back on the couch then, throwing his feet on the coffee table. Waiting for Tucker to bring the food over was a lot easier than making it himself. Couple of minutes later, Tucker dropped a plate onto the table by Felix’s feet, complete with a bottle of beer, then kicked his own feet onto the table as well.

He asked, “What are we watching?” He was stuffing a sandwich into his mouth while he talked, muffling his words.

Felix answered automatically, though he was barely paying attention. (He was watching _How I Met Your Mother_ , and he really had seen the entire show twice. Some episodes much more than once.) He ate the sandwich Tucker had made without really paying attention either, just enough focus to eat and recognize that Tucker had slathered on the mustard - again. He always did this and it was gross. Felix wasn’t really paying attention to anything because his mind was already whirring into overdrive, piecing together things and trying to reach conclusions that didn’t exist yet.

He knew the hot neighbor’s name was Locus - it’d be great to moan, he thought, would roll off the tongue real easy. Hot neighbor Locus lived right across from them so it wouldn’t be too much work to talk to him, to flirt with him, to end up in his apartment being fucked against the nearest hard surface. Felix stared at the TV without really seeing what was on it and licked his lips, pulling his lip between his teeth.

Holy shit, he needed to get to this guy.

That night, Felix masturbated again. Mostly to test out how it felt to moan the guy’s name. He had been right before, it rolled easily off his tongue between hitching breaths.

✹ ✹ ✹

It should have been easy. All he had to do was find himself outside the apartment at the same time as Locus, talk to him, flirt with him. Totally not that hard. Except every little part of that turned out to be really hard. He found himself taking forever to do the simplest things - taking out the garbage, unlocking and locking the door, getting the mail. And all because he kept throwing glances at the door across from him, hoping that it would swing open and he could act like he had just stepped out of his apartment or just walked up the stairs.

It didn’t happen and he spent even more time trying to figure out what he would even say to the guy. Apologize for the party? That’d be a riot. ‘ _Hello, sorry for the party pissing you off - but I’m gonna throw another one this weekend so I guess you didn’t change a thing_.’ ...Yeah, no. He had already made a fool of himself twice, the next time he spoke to this Locus guy had to be perfect. He had to be smooth, had to make a really good impression in order to dispel the other two - if that was even possible.

But, as Sister so lovingly told him three days after the party, “You’re not gonna get anywhere from waitin’ around.” She was sitting on the counter by the sink, watching as Felix cracked open the door and peered out. “ ‘Specially not if you’re gonna be a creep about it. Like, seriously? Just go talk to the guy.”

“Yeah, good advice and all,” he said, easing the door closed. Couldn’t let it slam closed, good Lord, someone who actually lived here would know what he was doing. “But I can’t exactly just walk over there and knock on his door. Not without a reason.”

Sister made a face, tapping her fingers on the edge of the counter. She was waiting for Tucker to get out of the bathroom, something about a movie and a fabulous party. “Man, just come with us to this party,” she said. “Drink! Relax! Get laid!”

“That’s the plan,” he answered smoothly. He moved to lean against the counter next to her, letting her lay a hand on his head. Followed shortly by her other hand and then she was leaning over him and telling him again how he couldn’t get a guy’s dick just by peeking out a door and waiting. “Yes, okay, I know - will you get off my head?”

“Nah. You’re short and tiny and I feel tall up here.”

“Great. Glad to help.”

Talking with Sister got him nowhere, but that wasn’t really a surprise. She was great for parties, sure, but this was something else. Something that Sister’s advice of just charging in and sweeping people off their feet wasn’t going to apply to.

Felix had to do this right. Had to look good, so he started to make it a habit that he looked damn fine before he left the apartment to do anything. Just in case he ran into Locus. He needed to know the exact right things to say, and he ran through a whole list of comments while he was doing mundane tasks around the apartment or during work. And then, a few times, they had passed each other on the stairs. He forgot everything he had wanted to say the moment his eyes settled on Locus, and he did nothing but stand there and smile. No matter how good he knew he looked, the most he ever got from Locus was a quick glance and then he was gone.

Left Felix standing on the stairs, smile fading.

It was like he was invisible.

At the very least, he clearly wasn’t worth Locus’s attention. That should have turned him off of the guy, he thought one night. He was still sitting on his bike, staring up at the fifth floor of the apartments and frowning. Music was blasting through the headphones that snaked under the bike helmet; it was late, like nearly four in the morning, and Felix was just sitting on an idling bike.

Somewhere up there in that goddamn building was this super hot, super tall, super rude asshole. For whatever reason, Felix couldn’t tear himself away from the idea of sleeping with the guy - even though he’d gone and fucked someone else to see if it was just sexual urgency. Of course that had failed so hard that not only had he found himself still wanting this fucking douchebag, but that had easily been the most disappointing sex of his life.

Sighing, Felix turned the bike off and shoved the keys in a pocket. He took the elevator up, yawning and jostling the duffel bag on his back. The strap cut into the jacket he wore, holding tight to his chest, and he could feel the bag’s contents resting against his back. The rest of his night was spent emptying the bag, throwing his clothes in the washer, and nearly falling asleep in the shower.

The next day, Felix was stopped outside his apartment. It was early - for him at least; not even ten yet - and he wouldn’t even be awake if it wasn’t for the phone call reminding him that he had taken someone’s hours at work. Didn’t even remember doing it, but here he stood. A jacket pulled on over his work shirt, frowning and trying to force the last dregs of sleep away. There wasn’t a breeze today,  nothing but heat building, and he pulled at the sleeves of his jacket, wanting to take the damn thing off. It’d be useful when he was on the bike and the wind cut through him, but now it was just… hot.

Didn’t help any that he was standing in front of Locus. Stupid hot Locus, staring down at him with a frown of his own. He said, “Is that motorcycle downstairs yours?”

Felix flicked his eyes over Locus’s face, lingering on his mouth before shooting back up to his eyes. “Depends,” he said. “Which one are you talkin’ about?”

“There’s only one.” Locus had pulled his hair up again, apparently that was what he always did - but it had fallen loose in front, framing his face. Felix wanted to pull it all down because if he looked hot with it up, he had to look even better with it around his shoulders. Felix was thinking about how it would feel to run his hands through it, or to pull on it, twist his hands in it while Locus slammed him against a wall - and then Locus said, “Stop coming back at four in the morning and leaving that thing running.”

Felix was snapped out of his thoughts so fast he was pretty he had whiplash. “...What? You… you can’t possibly be saying what I think you are.”

“The bike. Stop leaving it running.” Holy shit, this guy was fucking serious. “It may surprise you to know this, but that thing makes noise. Some of us get up early.”

“We live on the fifth floor!” Felix said. He was somewhere between disbelief and wanting to laugh because this was the first actual conversation he had had with the guy. And it was over his bike. “There is no fucking way you can hear that. Do you have super hearing? ‘Cause the guy on the first floor never complains, but you? Oh man, you - of course you do.”

Locus’s frown deepened, brows knitting together. “What -?”

“Turn the music off,” Felix said. “Turn the bike off. Don’t make noise because precious Locus has to sleep for his early morning classes.” He was laughing, quietly, and he raised one hand to press against his forehead. Gave a huge sigh. “You’re good for a laugh, man, but… Tell me, Locus, if I make too much noise for too many days in a row, what are you even gonna do? And don’t say call the cops on me, ‘cause that’d just be so disappointing.”

He was baiting now, just wanting to get a reaction out of Locus. Even if it was just more anger - just give him something to work with.

Locus said, “Don’t make me have to break the bike,” and was on his way down the stairs before Felix even had time to react. Then he was speeding after Locus, following him downstairs and telling him to slow the fuck down, to explain what that even meant, why was he moving so fast anyway. And then Locus said, without even turning around, “I have class. Are you going to follow me there?”

“I have work. Don’t flatter yourself.”

Locus’s answer was an amused noise, like a stifled laugh. He said: “The way you’ve been acting, I can never be sure.”

“Oh, go fuck yourself.”

They were on the ground floor by now, Locus walking quickly and Felix scrambling to remain at his side. “That’s exactly what I expect from you,” Locus said. He didn’t speak again until he stopped by Felix’s bike, hand stretched out toward it, keys gripped tightly. “Now, are you going to turn this thing off when you get home?”

Felix eyed him, the keys in his hand, the bike, and wasted no time in sliding forward and shoving Locus’s hand away. He really hoped this guy wasn’t such a petty dick that he’d key the bike, but he also didn’t want to take a chance. Besides, the fact that Locus had basically threatened to break the bike wasn’t a good confidence booster. “Yeah, yeah, whatever. I’ll try, we’ll see.” He laid a hand on Locus’s chest, meaning to shove him away. He froze instead, eyes dropping from Locus’s face to where his hand lay.

Locus was warm. He could feel heat through the shirt, and somehow that was such a great thing even when he was hot inside his jacket. Felix had the momentary need to run his hand down Locus’s chest, to feel the muscles that had to be there - and then Locus had snatched his hand off, bending his wrist back until it hurt. Felix hissed, yanking his hand away. “What the fuck is your problem?”

“Keep the bike off,” Locus said, and Felix huffed. “And keep your hands off of me.”

“Yeah, ‘cause that’s deserving of breaking my wrist.”

“Turn the bike off,” he said again. He was leaving then, and when Felix hurled an insult at him, he didn’t even turn around. Didn’t say anything else, didn’t look back at Felix. Just got into his car and started the engine.

Felix stood where he was, rubbing his wrist absently, watching as Locus’s car sped away. It wasn’t until he started to climb onto the bike that he realized he had left the helmet sitting on the kitchen table and groaned. So caught up in being tired and goddamn asshole Locus that he had forgotten it.

After that, he was late to work and endured another comment about how he was lucky to be employed here at all. That if he messed up one more time, that was it, and he was gone. And then he was back to doing mind-numbingly boring work, smiling and bullshitting his way through it. Really, the only good thing about this job was that he was getting really good at feeding people what they wanted to hear. It wasn’t even worth the money because it was such a sad amount that went into his bank account lately - someone was taking all his hours, the fucking assholes.

The other good thing about work, the one that had risen up recently, was that he could spend the whole time running over excuses to talk to Locus. That thing with the bike had been totally out of nowhere, but that didn’t mean he could just walk over to his apartment, knock on his door, and expect to get laid. Nah, especially not after that brief conversation. Something about Locus was pulling him off his game, making everything he said come out scrambled and stupid.

Not to mention that he had insulted Locus, had mocked him - yeah. Great. Gonna be real easy to get the guy to be interested when Felix was calling him a nerd the next time they passed one another.

(But eight a.m. classes, really? Who does that to themselves? Not even Wash did that. Shit was torture.)

Whatever excuses he did make up to cross the short distance to Locus were pathetic. Some were made up right on the spot. Like, for instance, the day Locus had opened his door and just smiled at him expectantly. It wasn’t the first time Felix had gone over there with some bullshit, but it was the first time Locus had opened the door with a smile and it kind of... shattered whatever he had prepared.

So Felix spouted the first thing to come to mind. “My bike is out of gas,” he said after a moment. “Can you take me to the store?” He definitely was not staring at Locus, at the way that easy smile reached his eyes.

In response Locus had looked right over his head and said, “Aren’t your roommates home?”

Felix had said no at the exact instant Tucker had thrown open the door and yelled at him that it was his turn to cook dinner, to stop fucking around with the neighbors. And then Locus had smirked and closed the door in Felix’s face.

While Felix was cooking that night, Tucker leaned against the counter next to him to ask, “Why are you still messin’ with this guy?”

“Y’know, I think it might be that I want to fuck him,” Felix said lightly. He was cooking with his own personal supply of meat, the stuff he stashed in his room away from these idiots and their grabby hands. Tucker’s pestering was distracting. This had to be made right. “Just a little bit of an idea that, yeah. Yeah. I really wanna fuck the neighbor.”

“Wow, no kidding.”

“Why do you care?”

Tucker snorted, moved to pull a drink out of the fridge. “I don’t. But apparently he keeps bothering Wash. And you know how Wash is.”

Yeah. Always studying, always working, always busy. Didn’t care for distractions, didn’t care for Locus at all. Felix rolled his eyes, shoving food into the oven. “Wash’s problems aren’t mine. I’m sure he can handle himself, and I’m absolutely sure that I’m gonna need you to get the fuck outta here unless you want burnt food.” He shoved Tucker out before the guy could offer up some terrible advice, like giving Felix the oh-so-rare opportunity to go through his blackbook of chicks to bang.

Felix didn’t need it. Besides, if Tucker hung around, he really would end up burning the food.

In reality, Locus was just a challenge at this point. There were few people who could ignore Felix, especially when he wanted them to be into him. Even fewer still that Felix would actually keep coming back to just to try again. Locus happened to fall into that last category - everything about their interactions screamed of failure, but that was what made it a challenge.

A challenge that found him staring at the ten pound bag of sugar on the counter two days later like it was the answer to all his problems. But it was so simple and this was totally something that couldn’t be fucked up. If he was going to look for stupid excuses to go bother Locus, then there was nothing better than the desperate neighbor needing some sugar. A classic move. He was going to make absolutely sure that no one could turn this around and make it an obvious lie. He grabbed the bag before he could second-guess himself and promptly started to pour the entire bag into the trashcan. Damn thing was nearly full and he shook it to make it fall faster, watched it spill onto his shoes and the floor and cursed.

It was a brilliant idea - totally flawless, ‘cause now Locus couldn’t close the door in his face when they were actually out of sugar.

Of course, that was when Tucker walked into the kitchen. He set an empty glass in the sink, looking at Felix like he didn’t want to understand. Despite that look, the first thing out of his mouth was, “Felix… What the fuck are you doing?”

Felix looked at him, smiled, and shook the last of the sugar out of the bag. It missed the trashcan entirely, spilling over his shoes and the floor. He didn’t even notice, tossing the bag over his shoulder and turning to throw the door open while Tucker stared at him blankly. As he crossed the space between their apartments, it was like a switch must have been thrown in Tucker’s head cause his next words were full of anger and confusion. _“What the fuck?!_ Why did you pour out all the sugar - Felix! What - _Why!?_ ”

He ignored Tucker, knocking on Locus’s door twice and bouncing on his feet. He was grinning because this was like… this was perfect. It had to work. The door opened and Locus glanced at him, then over his head. Felix looked over his shoulder then, saw that he had forgotten to close the door, and waved at Tucker. When he turned back, Locus was still staring over his head. Felix cleared his throat, resisting the urge to reach out and rest his hands on Locus’s chest. Though it would definitely get his attention, it was way too early to be feeling up the guy.

When Locus looked back at him, Felix’s grin faded and he said calmly, “Hey. Seems that we’ve run out of sugar.”

Locus said nothing. His eyes narrowed.

Felix didn’t look away from him, ignoring all the angry curses that spilled out of the apartment behind him. He wasn’t going to look away from Locus until he got an answer - even the smallest answer would be good enough. He looked at Locus’s face as he sighed, at the hairs that had come loose from the tie, and then Felix bit down sharply on his lip to keep the ridiculous urge to grin again at bay. No need for that.

And then he heard Wash - “....Why is there sugar on the floor?” He sounded confused and tired, like he almost regretted having to ask that in the first place.

Tucker answered: “Ask the lovesick idiot!”

Felix no longer had the urge to grin, but he still fought to look normal, look casual. Look like his roommates weren’t throwing him under a bus here, really. Locus was glancing between him and the apartment, a smile growing on his face. It was attractive, very much so, but it was at Felix’s expense and he would rather have that perpetual frown and distaste over this.  It was like the more they said, the more Felix wanted to go and beat the idiots senseless - ‘cause this should have been perfect, it was supposed to have been so fuckin’ easy. Ask for sugar. Get sugar. Engage Locus in conversation because, hey, casual talk was one of the things Felix was good at.

And now he was just standing there, staring past Locus and into his apartment, listening to the disaster that was growing behind him.

Even Sister had started up, and he hadn’t even known she was in the fucking apartment to begin with. She was louder than anyone else put together, voice cutting through the air and carrying easily. God, she was practically screaming and the more she said, the more heat Felix felt rise in his face. “ _Get some, Felix!_ Tell him you wanna suck his dick! No, no - TELL HIM YOU WANNA RIDE HIS DICK! GET HIM TO FUCK YOU LIKE YOU’VE NEVER BEEN FUCKED BEFORE!”

Felix muttered a curse, running a hand through his hair and then rubbing at the back of his neck. Locus was starting to laugh now, and Felix was thinking that even his laugh was attractive and wanting to hit him to make him shut up. He was still staring into the little sliver of Locus’s apartment that showed behind him, at the floor tiles and the light that reflected off of them.

Sister was still going - _“Have the best orgasm of your life, Felix! You deserve it!”_

Felix muttered, “This has gone horribly wrong…” just as she petered off into manic laughter. As far as he could tell, Tucker had stopped his bitching too - at the very least, he wasn’t loud enough to be heard where Felix was standing. So. It was just him now, standing in front of Locus and pretending he wasn’t blushing and that he wasn’t currently wishing he could just lean forward and bury himself into Locus until the heat left his face.

But then, Locus was moving and he glanced up to watch him head further into the apartment. The door stood open, giving Felix the opportunity to lean in and sweep his eyes over everything in sight. Locus was in the kitchen to the right, opening a cabinet. The living room was across from where he stood, spreading out past a counter. A large couch and a chair sar before a fairly good sized television. There were curtains at the far wall that reached the floor - did Locus really have floor-length windows? The whole place was clean, almost spotless, and Felix was just about to step inside when Locus was in front of him again.

He took Felix by the arm, turning it palm up to place a small bag of sugar in his hand. It wasn’t full, but it would do until someone yelled at him to go buy more - but that wasn’t even important. Locus’s touch was firm, warmth spreading where his fingers curled around Felix’s wrist. Felix glanced up at Locus, feeling the fingers around his wrist moving slightly.

Locus was smiling still, light and barely there at all. He had angled his head to look down at Felix, and there was amusement glinting in his eyes. For what was probably the tenth time that week, Felix thought that this motherfucker had such pretty eyes that it was unfair.

There was no way he could pretend he wasn’t blushing now - why the fuck was he even blushing? Jesus Christ -

Locus said, “Goodbye, Felix,” and then took his hand away.

“Wait! Locus, don’t you fucking - !” The door shut in his face and Felix growled, hand tightening on the bag of sugar Locus had handed over. He kicked the door lightly, imagining Locus in there, in that clean apartment, smirking to himself like the bastard he so clearly was. “Goddammit,” Felix sighed.

He turned slowly back to his own apartment, reluctant to go back to the shitstorm that was going to start with his roommates. Wash was still standing in the doorway, frowning at him. After a second, Felix raised the bag in his hand and offered a sheepish grin. The heat in his face was fading away at least, finally.

Wash said, slowly and carefully, “Did you… did you pour out all of our sugar just to talk to him?”

Felix frowned. “Sounds stupid when you put it that way.”


	2. i can feel the earth move

On a list of things Locus shouldn’t do, the idiot neighbor was easily number one. He was arrogant, annoyingly persistent, and had developed a habit of stopping by with ridiculous excuses. Those visits always managed to disrupt Locus, whether it be from studying or finishing homework, even watching a movie or reading. Once he had been cooking, another time he had to pause in the middle of an important phone call just to open the door and tell Felix that the answer was no before he even said a word.

Locus was busy. Being in graduate school did not, surprisingly, leave him with a lot of patience for the noisy people that lived across from him. Least of all Felix and the way the idiot turned almost every conversation into flirting. It was terrible flirting, but that didn’t make it any less annoying or anxiety inducing. That was perhaps the worst part - the anxiety that Locus dealt with every day, year after year, was so easily flared by Felix and his terrible flirting. 

And yet, it had only taken a week of these visits for Locus to realize that he was waiting for Felix to stop by. It was around the same time every day, between five and six in the evening, and then the quiet of his apartment was disrupted by short, rapid knocks on the door. One day, Locus had found himself reading the same sentence several times over, unable to actually remember what it said - he sat there, staring at his book, and felt the lightest tug of anxiety eating at his gut. That day he had answered the door with a smile and didn’t let himself think on the fact that he was expecting this nonsense.

At least it was amusing. Those excuses were getting more absurd each time, as if Felix hadn’t even bothered to think of something before knocking. It helped to calm his nerves somehow.

That sugar one was the best by far, and he had thought then that Felix was probably a bit too determined. He had thought to himself that it was almost cute how quickly Felix’s entire face had turned red, how he had refused to look Locus in the eye for a while there. He had touched Felix just to gauge his reaction to the simplest things, and that dumbstruck look - the wide eyes and the redness that had flared back up - _that_ was cute.

Made it slightly less insufferable when Felix showed up at his door again two days later. Honestly, Locus had been surprised that there had even been a break between the visits, but he certainly wasn’t going to argue over how much he had gotten done without being interrupted. Homework, reading, and he was halfway through a movie when the knocks started.

He opened the door to Felix (of course) standing there with a fast food drink in one hand and mail in the other. He glanced from the mail to Locus then back down again, just to say “Yeah…. We’ve been getting some of your mail. Apparently.” When Locus reached to take the mail from him, Felix raised it up to his face. “This one looks like a bank statement. Tell me, Locus, do you have a lot of money?”

Locus ignored him, snatching the mail from his hand. Three envelopes, two of them bills and the last the one from the bank. He looked down at Felix, at the easy smile that didn’t manage to dispel the glint in his eyes when he looked at Locus. He said, “How about you tell me why, after three months, would you suddenly be getting my mail?”

Felix’s grin widened. That look in his eyes had to mean he was thinking lewd nonsense again. At least he didn’t say it. “Couldn’t tell ya,” he said lightly. “Maybe we got a new postman and he can’t read numbers so well.” He tilted his head slightly and sunlight glinted off of piercings in his ear. “I’ll bring by anymore, yeah? If it happens again, I mean.”

“Of course…” He started to close the door only for Felix to raise one foot and actually kick it back open. Locus glanced at the door and where his foot now stood in the way of it, and then fixed Felix with a mild glare. “Move. Go home.”

“Not so fast, now,” Felix said. He took a moment to drink from the cup in his hand, shifting his weight and staring up at Locus. When he spoke again, he was sliding a hand through his hair, sweeping stray hairs back and making it messier. “See, I’ve made the decision to invite your cranky ass to our next party.”

“No.”

“It’s okay, I know, I expected this.” Felix wasn’t even looking at him anymore, he had turned his eyes skyward - or what would have been skyward if there wasn’t another floor above them. “For whatever reason, you don’t want to associate with us.” His eyes dropped back to Locus. “If it helps, just think of it as a costume party. Like an early Halloween party, even.”

“It’s September.”

“Really early Halloween party.”

Locus didn’t even bother to answer, he closed the door as far as it would go with Felix’s foot in the way. “Go home,” he repeated.

“It’s this weekend,” Felix said. “Show up. Drink. Enjoy yourself ‘cause it kinda seems like all you do is sit in this damn apartment by yourself. Like, isn’t that boring? You gotta be bored.”

Locus pulled the door open long enough to grab hold of Felix’s shirt. The grin slid off his face the instant Locus’s hand touched his chest. And he might have taken the moment to watch the slightest hint of red growing in Felix’s cheeks before shoving him back and dislodging the foot out of his doorway. “I’m not going. Stop bothering me,” he said, closing the door. As the door shut on him, Felix frowned deeply, like Locus had offended him.

That was the last he saw of Felix for the next three days. He managed to avoid even seeing Felix outside of his apartment, on the stairwell, anywhere. It was strange somehow, but nice enough that he started to think Felix had finally gotten the message.

And then Locus opened his door one morning to Felix. Just opened the door to leave and nearly stepped into him.

Felix looked tired, and his reaction time to Locus suddenly being in front of him just proved it. He stood there with wide eyes and one hand raised before slowly lowering it and adjusting the way he stood. He straightened up, like he was trying to make himself seem taller. For those few seconds, he actually looked surprised - but then that casual arrogance set in and Felix was smiling. He said, “Hey,” and just that one word sounded like he was exhausted.

Locus frowned. It was early, he had class in fifteen minutes, and this irritating idiot wasn’t going to make him late. “What do you want?” he asked.

“Forgot before the party,” Felix said. He raised his other hand to Locus, where he held onto several more envelopes. “More of your mail.” He handed it over without a fight, raising his other arm to stifle a yawn. Even after Locus shoved the mail into his bag, Felix didn’t move. He paused, eyes narrowing. When he spoke again, it sounded like something he hadn’t even meant to say: “You’ve got killer eyes.”

There wasn’t anything quite like a tired neighbor giving out random compliments to throw Locus off, just the slightest bit. He blinked, staring down at Felix, thankful that he had taken an anti-anxiety pill this morning. Seconds passed before Felix even seemed to realize what he said, and before he could start to make that into flirting, Locus said, “Why are you awake? It’s not even eight and I’m halfway certain you’re going to collapse in my doorway.”

“Asshole manager switched my hours at work,” Felix answered with a huff. He pulled at the jacket he wore with one hand, frowning. “Suddenly, I’ve got to open when I was supposed to close. You know when I went to sleep?”

The music didn’t shut off until four, if Locus remembered right.

“Four-fuckin’-thirty. I got three hours of sleep. If I get into a car accident, you think I could sue him?’

“No.”

Felix cursed softly and started to turn away.

Locus sighed and didn’t even think before he said, “Wait, Felix… Just hold on.” He left the door open, not looking at Felix to see his response, just heading back to the kitchen. He pulled the fridge open with one hand, reached for one of those damned iced coffees with another. They weren’t his, belonged to his roommate, but there were enough that one wouldn’t be missed. When he closed the fridge and turned back to the door, he was greeted with Felix standing in his kitchen and gazing into his living room. “...What are you doing?”

“Your apartment is so clean,” he said as an answer. He tossed a lazy grin in Locus’s direction, taking the few steps forward to stand in front of him. “Aw, do I get coffee? Are you giving me that?”

Locus shoved it into one of his hands and then took him by the shoulders and turned him around. “Get out. I’m going to be late for class if I don’t leave now.” Felix was making this difficult on purpose, dragging his feet and looking up at Locus with that same lazy grin on his face. Locus glanced down and frowned slightly.

Felix had freckles, he saw, spread out sparsely across his cheeks. Very light and he never should be close enough to see them again. He shoved Felix out of his door, swinging it closed after them and locking it. He had the feeling he was going to be late today, for the first time since classes started. Felix followed him down the stairs, not speaking. On the ground floor, he dropped the empty glass bottle into the nearest trash can.

Naturally, he was talking again then, hurrying to keep up with Locus. “So… Couldn’t help but notice you didn’t come by the party,” he said. He still sounded tired, and he was grinning when Locus bothered to glance at him. “After I invited you so nicely too.”

“I told you I wasn’t going to be there.” He stopped by his car, frowning at Felix beside him. That obnoxious bike of his was parked several spaces back and he had expected Felix to be speeding off by now. “Shouldn’t you be leaving?”

“Hm?” He glanced back as Locus nodded toward his bike, and then laughed shortly. “Oh. Nah, I’m not even gonna chance driving my bike on three hours of sleep. Are you nuts? I’d crash it.” He paused to pull a set of keys out of his pocket. “I stole Tucker’s keys. He can take the bus.”

Locus made a small noise of acknowledgement, climbing into his car - and then Felix was holding onto the car door and leaning against it. Felix with his eyes squinted against the sunlight, an arm braced against the hood the car. There was a flash of red showing underneath his jacket.

“What?” Locus said dryly.

“Why didn’t you come to my party?”

“That can’t be a serious question.”

Felix stared at him, smile on his face.

Locus sighed. “I despise your parties, your music, your entire apartment, and you.”

“Wow, that’s harsh.”

“I also don’t care for the fact that you said it was ‘this weekend’,” he added, frowning at Felix. “and then you have it on a Thursday.”

“...Is Thursday not the weekend?”

Locus reached forward to start the car. That wasn’t even worth a response. He shrugged his bag off of his shoulders, dropping it into the seat beside him. “Leave,” he said without looking back at Felix. He could see the fool out of the corner of his eye, still leaning against his car.

Then there was a hand on his shoulder, touching lightly. He tensed, shooting a hand up to shove Felix away, and missed entirely as Felix ducked into the car. His other hand slid under Locus’s jaw, and then Felix was kissing the side of his face. His lips were soft. Locus’s pulse spiked - anxiety, sparking to life and mixing with what he was sure was anger.

Felix was laughing quietly against his skin, shaky sounding noises, and Locus’s hand found itself sliding through the idiot neighbor’s hair. He yanked and Felix hissed; he pulled and Felix moved with it, leaning away from him. The hand on his jaw left but the one on his shoulder just tightened. He met Felix’s gaze in time to catch how his eyes fell to Locus’s mouth while he pulled his bottom lip between his teeth. It was _almost_ attractive and Locus _almost_ wanted to tug the idiot forward and close the gap between them.

He shoved Felix back instead, moving the hand from his hair to push at his shoulder.

“That,” Felix started when he hit the car door. “was… a thank you. For the coffee.” He had recovered fast, smiling arrogantly again. He even winked and Locus rolled his eyes. “I’ll see you later, yeah?”

Locus slammed the door, watching Felix as he headed further along. He watched Felix disappear into a shiny car and waited for the anxiety to fade before leaving.

He was five minutes late to class, drawing the attention of everyone there. He ignored the girl beside him who leaned away from him, ignored the glance thrown his way by the boy on his other side. It was thirty minutes into the class before he realized he had yet to take a single note because he was sitting there, staring at his laptop and thinking about Felix. About Felix and the light freckles across his face, and the ridiculous amount of determination that kept sending him to Locus’s door, and the fact that he was so short and so unbelievably annoying.

He thought about Felix’s lips on his skin and the look in his eyes after. A look that had been nothing short of desire and now it was imprinted in his mind. Locus was tapping his fingers on the keys of his laptop, glaring at the computer now, listening but not hearing the professor as he talked.

He was going to shove Felix’s face into the nearest wall if he showed up at his door again today.

Of course Felix showed up later that night, leaning against Locus’s doorframe, alert and smiling like nothing had ever happened. Locus stared at him fiercely, brow furrowed, waiting for him to do… anything. All he did was raise his hand and shrug. “This mailman is terrible,” he said.

Locus reached for the mail Felix held up, frowning. Felix’s voice was bright, filled with a quality that just made him so suspicious but he wasn’t sure why.

Felix said, “Can I come in…?” and his eyes were focused on Locus’s lips.

Locus closed the door in his face without saying a word.

✹ ✹ ✹

On Monday, Locus entered the community building in time to figure out exactly how Felix kept ending up with his mail.

The community building was nearly empty, only the workers and a couple of other people moving slowly. There was a fan running somewhere, the constant whir the main noise in the place, somehow being louder than the person coughing and the other one flipping papers. There was a dead fern in one corner, and there was Felix.

Felix standing on a chair.

Felix concentrating so hard that he was chewing on his lip.

Felix picking the lock on Locus’s mailbox, grinning when it popped open.

Locus glared. He crossed the distance between them quickly, stopping right beside Felix. He said nothing, only stared at this thieving little idiot, arms crossed over his chest. It took a few seconds for Felix to realize he was there, and even then he actually did a double-take before actually focusing on Locus. His eyes widened for an instant before he painted that ridiculous fake smile on. “Oh, uh… Hey,” he said, pulling his hand out of the mailbox. “I, uh… I thought I’d bring you your mail today.”

“Really.” It came out like a growl.

Felix looked nervous before he covered that up with that same stupid smile. It didn’t reach his eyes at all. Still looked like he was on high-alert. “Now, Locus… Before you do anything, let me just say - “

Locus reached out and took him by the arm, ignoring his protests. He pulled Felix to him, gripped him by the waist with his other hand, and tossed him over one shoulder. He ignored him then too - “Locus, what the fuck!?” - and reached into his mailbox with his other hand. Slammed the mailbox closed, apologized to the workers for Felix’s noise, and then walked out the door with Felix still over his shoulder.

Felix, of course, hadn’t shut up. “They were staring,” he said. “Why did you do this? This is so embarrassing.” He squirmed in Locus’s grip, and Locus felt his hands digging into his back. “Can’t you put me down, please?”

“You stole my mail,” Locus said. It still sounded like a growl even when he tried to control his anger.

“Oh, like, two times!”

“You do realize that this is illegal, don’t you?”

Felix groaned and the hands digging into Locus’s back let up, spreading flat against him. “I don’t fucking care!” he snapped. “There are people at the pool and they’re looking, oh God, Locus… Put me down.” He sounded like he was whining and Locus was expecting him to start kicking at any moment. What he got instead was Felix shifting and then what felt like elbows in his back. A moment of silence and then Felix gave the most annoyed sigh. “That hot lady from 414 is watching. I cannot believe you are doing this to me.”

Locus ignored him. The ‘hot lady’ from 414 was married and Felix was being ridiculous. He did wish there weren’t elbows digging right into his back, it was getting uncomfortable. After a second, he shrugged the shoulder Felix was over and smiled dryly - it jostled him so suddenly, that Felix practically squealed and replaced the elbows in Locus’s back with his hands again. They settled over the small of Locus’s back, pressing and gripping and sliding down.

Their apartment building was in the back of the complex, furthest from the community building and the public pool. A nice walk and Felix, it turned out, was heavier than his short stature led Locus to believe. There was a bench up ahead and Locus dropped Felix unceremoniously onto it, rolling his shoulder and frowning. His anger had dulled by now, enough that when Felix spoke, Locus wasn't too terribly tempted to carry him to the pool and toss him in the deep end.

“Are you done with the whole carry me across the entire fucking complex thing?” Felix asked. He was frowning too, staring up at Locus. “ ‘Cause that was so much bullshit.”

“You stole my mail,” Locus said again. He shoved the mail he still held into a back pocket, reaching over to rub his shoulder. “And you weigh a lot. Surprisingly. You’re built like a twig.”

“Alright, now that’s just insulting.” He was still looking at Locus, staring at him with that annoyed look on his face. After a moment, the look vanished, replaced with a smile. Felix said, “View’s great here, by the way. You look amazing.”

Locus shot him an unamused glare, and Felix smiled at him with that absurd look that was meant to be suggestive. Locus sighed, closed his eyes briefly, and took the time to pull his hair up tighter, fix all the stray hairs that had come loose. When he lowered his arms, Felix hands settled on him, curling around his right arm. Locus stared down at him as Felix moved closer. “I can’t believe I’m going to ask this,” he said. “but what do you think you’re doing?”

Felix squeezed his hands around Locus’s arm, fingers sliding under the sleeve of his shirt. “I didn’t think of an excuse for this,” he said, pitching his voice lower. “Didn’t know I’d need one. You’re just - you’ve got some goddamn amazing arms. I’m almost tempted for you to pick me up again - _no, wait! I was joking!”_

While he was talking, Locus had leaned down, used the same grip as before, and tossed Felix over his shoulder. The opposite shoulder this time, let Felix’s weight balance out. He started back toward the apartment, ignoring Felix’s curses and groans as he moved between the other apartments. He told himself to think of this as a workout. There was a couple on a first floor patio that gave them a strange look; Locus nodded to them as they passed, feeling Felix squirming. For the first time, he thought that maybe this was an odd thing to do - maybe Felix was right and so many people staring wasn't a good thing. 

The only reason Locus wasn't filled with anxiety was medication that calmed him. 

For his part, Felix was quiet for so long that Locus thought he might just shut up until he got to their building, and then -

“Who is Emily Grey?”

Locus almost stopped. “What?”

“She’s got a letter. Looks official.”

“Did you pull the mail out of my pocket…?”

“I was bored. Your shoulder is killing my spleen, and there is a letter addressed to an Emily Grey.” Felix squirmed again, hands pressing into Locus’s back - rather low down too. “Tell me who she is.”

“It doesn’t matter.” He adjusted his grip on Felix, yanking so that the hands slid up his back. 

“You got a girlfriend you haven’t told me about?”

The idea of that was enough to make him laugh. “Absolutely not.”

And Felix’s response was not at all surprising. “Oho, really? So you’re single…?”

“I will drop you on this pavement.”

Felix huffed loudly and obnoxiously, his hands pressing into Locus’s back again, apparently trying to push himself upright. Eventually, Locus sighed. “Stop it,” he said.

“Tryin’ to give your mail back, but fine.”

All of his weight dropped suddenly, heavily onto Locus’s shoulder and he grunted. And then there was a hand sliding down his back, another one on his belt and Locus stopped. After a second, both hands were gone and Felix said, “There. Mail’s back where I got it. Happy?”

Locus didn’t answer. He started moving again and then Felix had a hand on his ass, squeezing lightly. Locus dropped him instantly, throwing him off his shoulder. Felix cursed, groaning and rolling onto his side on the pavement. Locus glared at him, not moving, watching as Felix rubbed at his thighs and his hips. He got to his feet slowly, wincing. “Ohh my god, you motherfucker,” he hissed. “Jesus - Holy shit, I think you broke my ass…”

The apartment building was just on the other side of the street. He could very easily just leave Felix here to whine and groan all he wanted - but his hands were twisting into Felix’s shirt, and in another second, he had whirled, slamming Felix into the side of the building beside them. He held Felix at near eye level, which left the shorter one several inches off the ground. “What is your problem?” Felix said. “Like, goddamn, man. I can’t even touch the ground. Let me go.”  

Dear God, he was actually serious. This irritating, idiotic, noisy neighbor - the kid who had just groped him, who had been stealing his mail - Locus snarled, shoving Felix again, pushing into his personal space until only inches separated them. “You are my problem,” he said roughly. “You’ve been my problem since I’ve moved in.”

Felix’s hands were at his chest, pushing against him. He was stronger than he looked, but it wasn’t enough to do anything, really. “Aw, is this about the parties? Do I disturb your precious quiet time?” He spoke as if he was distracted.

“Shut up,” Locus snarled. He moved closer, felt Felix’s hands sliding up to his neck, felt him gripping at his shirt collar and pulling. “Just - Stop talking, and listen to me.” He could see Felix glancing between his eyes and his mouth. He was close enough to see the flash of metal on his tongue when Felix licked his lips. “Stop bothering me. Stop showing up at my door, stop your pathetic attempts to flirt with me, stop with the stupid excuses to talk me. Don’t ever touch me again.”

Felix was biting at his lower lip again, his fingers resting at the base of Locus’s neck. They were close enough that Locus could feel his legs shifting against the wall. He felt one of Felix’s legs slide around his own, hooking there, and frowned.

“Felix.”

“Yeah?”

“Did you hear anything I just said to you?”

Felix’s eyes snapped back to his. “No.” His hands were on the back of Locus’s neck now, pulling him forward.

And then Felix was pressing their lips together, kissing him, sliding fingers into Locus’s hair. For a moment, Locus forgot how to breathe, how to move away - but then Felix whined lowly, pitifully, and Locus caved and kissed him back. He pushed in between Felix’s thighs, crushed him against the wall, kissing him with force and a hunger that he hadn’t even realized he had. He suffocated the whine of anxiety with the feeling of another person pressing against him. Felix’s legs were hooked securely around his now. Locus let go of his shirt, sliding one hand down to grasp him at the waist, holding him up. The other he moved up, running his palm over Felix’s neck, moving his fingers over his jaw.

Felix whined against his lips just before they parted. Locus opened his eyes slightly, looking at Felix - at his still parted lips, the freckles that were obvious now, how his eyes were still closed. He was smiling, and Locus was forcing his tongue into Felix’s mouth a second later. He tasted metal, the tang of citrus. Felix was tugging at his hair, pulling at the tie. His other hand was still on Locus’s neck, both his legs tight and squeezing around Locus’s waist. Locus had both hands on his hips, pressing against Felix’s chest, keeping him suspended against the wall.

Felix was everywhere, burning and searing and - and, God help him, he was kissing this irritating neighbor as if he were the only thing that mattered. He was pressing Felix into a wall, tasting the metal of a piercing, and Felix was making quiet noises into his mouth.

Locus let him go suddenly, leaning back and dropping him. Felix’s hands ripped off him, the one in his hair nearly taking the tie with it. Locus frowned, taking the time yet again to pull his hair back up while he concentrated on forcing his heartrate back down. A part of him insisted that doing this - kissing Felix - it had been a mistake.

Felix was standing in front of him, breathing heavily and licking his lips, hands pressed into Locus’s chest. He said, “Goddamn, Locus - “

“Don’t say anything,” Locus said.

“It was gonna be a compliment.”

“Don’t.” He pulled Felix’s hands off him, taking a step back. Felix was watching him, eyes bright with what was probably lust - no, definitely. Felix was lusting after him and all he had done was encourage it. He sighed, shaking his head. When he turned from Felix, he ignored the other person calling after him, ignored the footsteps that hurried after him. He even took the elevator and closed the doors in Felix’s face just to avoid having to go upstairs with him.

So of course Felix was standing at the top of the stairs when the elevator door opened. He was panting, leaning over with his hands on his knees. Locus frowned. “Did you run up the stairs?”

Felix raised a hand, a motion for Locus to hold on. After a couple of seconds he straightened up, still breathing hard, and said, “You... You are one hell of a kisser. Thank you. That’s all. You can go hide now.”

Locus frowned. 

This was definitely a mistake.


	3. you can never get enough

Two days later and Felix was back to square one: stupid ideas to talk to Locus.

Really, he should have been past this. He had made out with the guy for fuck’s sake, but nope - here he stood. Staring at his apartment door and well aware that Locus was coming up the stairs behind him. There were decisions to be made here and he only had seconds to act. It was only after Felix had ripped open the door to his apartment and tossed the keys far inside of it, after he had locked it swiftly and shut it carefully - after all that, he had to stop and ask himself why the hell he didn’t just shove the keys down into one of his pockets. It wasn’t as if Locus was going to be sliding his hands into Felix’s pants.

Though if he did, Felix certainly wasn’t going to stop him.

But right now, he was standing in front of his apartment door without any keys and he honestly did not think anyone else was home right now. Tucker was at work, he knew that, and Wash had already told both of them that he was going to a friend’s place and probably wouldn’t be back until tomorrow. It was basically foolproof, he told himself.

He heard footsteps pause behind him and cast a glance over his shoulder. Locus, just coming home from his classes and looking at him. He watched Locus’s eyes flicker over him before he turned to face him. “So,” Felix said lowly. “Turns out I forgot my keys.” He kept his face neutral, kept his eyes locked onto Locus’s. Absolutely did not, even for a second, drop his gaze to the other man’s mouth.

Locus said, “That sounds like a problem.”

“It is, yeah. Big problem.”

Locus hadn’t moved. He stood at the top of the stairs, looking at Felix calmly. There wasn’t the slightest hint that his attitude toward Felix had changed - but it had, Felix knew it had. No one made out against a wall like that and blamed it all on irritation and hatred.

A few seconds passed before Felix added, “I was thinking - “

“No.”

“You didn’t even let me finish.”

“The answer is still no.” He was silent for another moment, doing nothing but looking at Felix, and then he started toward his own apartment.

Felix watched as Locus pulled his keys out then said quickly, “Look, I just want somewhere to stay until Tucker gets off work. You just happen to be right across from us.” He could see the way Locus stopped, the movement in his shoulders as he sighed. “It shouldn’t be more than a few hours. And I’ll leave as soon as I know he’s back.”

He was going to get into that apartment, he knew it. Locus was wavering, and it shouldn’t take but a few more seconds for him to unlock the door and invite Felix in. Sure, it’d be with deception, but then Felix could sit on his stupid clean couch, pull Locus down with him, and they could have a nice repeat of the other day. Maybe more since Locus couldn’t exactly leave him somewhere when they were in the same apartment. Maybe he could snake his hands underneath Locus’s shirt, that’d be good. He could pull Locus’s hair out of that goddamn tie and run his fingers through it - because it had been so soft that day, softer than it should have been.

Locus glanced back at him and Felix smiled. Nice, casual smile, little bit hopeful and not lustful. He had good control over himself. For now.

Locus said, “Are you sure that no one is home?” and Felix’s smile blossomed into a grin.

“Totally sure.”

And then Locus was motioning for him to come over, turning back to his door to unlock it. Naturally this was the perfect time for the world to notice that one of Felix’s absurd ideas was working. The only time that the door to his apartment could swing open behind him. Locus froze, Felix turned his head, and then a flying ring of keys slammed into his forehead and clattered to the ground between him and Locus.

Hanging onto the doorframe and glaring was Sister. She took a deep breath before she spoke in that grating, way too loud voice: “Here’s your keys, you fucking bitch! Don’t throw shit next time.” She glanced over at Locus then and said, “Will you just fuck him so he’ll calm down and stop doing stupid shit?”

The door slammed behind her and left Felix staring at the ground, at the keys between himself and Locus. He raised a hand to his face to cover his eyes, and let out a slow breath. Heat was rising in his face again and his forehead was stinging. Leave it to Sister to be sitting in an apartment with no one there.

When Locus spoke again, he sounded amused. Vaguely so, but it was there. “No one at home?”

“Fuck off, man. I didn’t know she was in there.”

He was still staring down at the keys, trying to force himself not to be embarrassed by this. Really needed to stop turning so red in front of Locus, he thought. Made it difficult to get someone to fuck him when he kept making a fool out of himself. Slowly, he moved to pick his keys off the ground, shifting to the apartment key swiftly. Locus hadn’t moved and Felix looked back at him as he straightened. He was just… watching. No visible expression beyond the barest twitch of his lips, like he was trying not to smile.

“So… I guess I’m not coming over then,” Felix said quietly.

Locus moved closer to Felix, and laid a hand on his shoulder. Felix stared at him, stared up into his eyes, and felt Locus’s fingers at the base of his throat. Warm. Soft, like he was hesitating. “I told you to stop making up excuses to talk to me,” he said.

Apparently the fact that Felix’s heartbeat was quickening went unnoticed by this bastard. His touch lost the hesitation as he slid his hand over Felix’s neck, fingers hooking under his jaw to tilt his head up. His thumb ran over Felix’s cheek and Felix was leaning into the touch without noticing. He kept his gaze on Locus, sweeping over his face and landing on his lips, then his eyes. Felix remembered being pressed against the wall, the glint in Locus's eyes when they had parted for air. He wanted to see it again, the fierce edge of desire and anger that had pushed Locus to kiss him. 

Felix reached for Locus, fingers skating over the fabric of his shirt. 

Locus glanced at the hand on his chest, then back at Felix. He said, "Do you want to come over that badly?" and Felix’s only answer was a pathetic, shuddering whine that might have been words. Locus moved his other hand to Felix’s face as well, holding onto his jawline, and both of Felix’s hands pressed into his chest, one still holding his keys. “I’ll take that as a yes.“

It was just a touch - one simple thing - and Felix was practically melting in this guy’s hands. So pathetic. But he could feel his heart pounding, and he swallowed roughly as Locus started to lean down. His fingers tightened in Locus’s shirt before flattening again, sliding over his chest and down his stomach. This was it, had to be. Locus would kiss him again, he would be invited in, and then -

Locus only said, "Go home, Felix." 

Felix pause. He had been working on sliding his hands under Locus’s shirt. "Let me come over," he whispered. 

Why was he whispering? 

Then Locus tilted his head up further and Felix was actually leaning up to meet him, to initiate the kiss if Locus wouldn't. His fingers pressed against Locus’s hips, keys catching on his belt. Instead of closing the distance between them, Locus sighed. He took his hands off of Felix, sliding one through his hair. The other pushed Felix’s hands off of him. He leaned down to kiss Felix’s forehead, said, “Goodbye, Felix,” and then he was back at the door of his apartment.

Felix blinked. Contact gone, and so was the hope of a kiss. He frowned. "Wait, Locus!"

The last look he got from Locus was a smile, and then the door shut. Felix was standing alone now, keys in one hand, frowning at Locus’s door. He made his way inside his own apartment still frowning and sat down on the couch beside Sister. She kicked her legs up into his lap and he didn’t even move.

“What’s up with you?” she asked.

“Fuckin’ hot neighbor is a tease,” Felix said. 

Sister snorted, laughing and texting. “You gotta tease back.”

Felix groaned, sliding further into the couch and throwing his feet onto the coffee table. “I don’t wanna tease, I wanna fuck. Come on, like - he pinned me against a wall and we made out. You’d think we’d be having sex by now, but no.” There was no answer from Sister and he glared at the blank TV for a few seconds. “This teasing shit really isn’t fucking needed at this point,” he said loudly.

“ ‘Cause you wanna fuck him already, I know, I know.” She lifted herself up to pat his shoulder, eyes still on her phone. “Everyone knows.”

He was pretty sure that was patronizing. “I just don’t get it. It’s like… It’s not like he can ignore me, right? I mean, sure, it’s been two days” -and neither of them had really done or said anything to the other- “but you can’t kiss a guy like that and ignore it..”

“...Ignore what?” Sister was leaning against him now, legs still thrown in his lap, and still texting.

“There’s a new kind of tension between us, Sis.” If looking at Locus and remembering what it felt like to have those lips pressed against his own counted as new tension, anyway. It was something, that was obvious. Something that had Felix unable to forget what it had felt like to be slammed against a wall and held there, suspended, Locus pushing against him. Hell, he could even recall what Locus’s skin had felt like under his fingers and the sparks of anger in those stupid, stupid gorgeous eyes. Like every little detail had been burned into his mind. He huffed, drumming his fingers on Sister’s leg. “Nah, nah… It’s this… It’s this charge, see? Like electricity or something.”  
And it could be easily solved by having sex. Really that simple.

Sister made a face as he was talking. “Ew, wait - a charge? That’s gross. Does it burn?”

“What? No.”

“If it burns, it’s probably crabs.”

Felix frowned. “...No one has crabs,” he said slowly. “Were you even listening to me?”

“Uh, yeah.” She paused to pull her legs out of his lap, setting them on the floor and fixing him with a skeptical stare. “Are you sure he’s clean? You shouldn’t bang him if he’s got crabs.”

“Stop talking.”

“You should get him tested.” She paused, then smiled. Like she had figured out the answer to some great riddle. “Seriously - crabs. It’s a mood killer.”

“Not only have you missed the point entirely,” he said, “but I don’t think crabs are supposed to burn.”

✹ ✹ ✹

The following evening, Felix stood outside Locus’s apartment. He wasn’t armed with some bullshit excuse this time - nah, he was going to stand there and he was going to talk to Locus like a normal fucking human being. Like he had been told. No more stupid excuses, just get straight to the point.

Basically, anyway. He was pretty sure that was the gist of what Locus had said to him.

After no one came to the door, Felix could have left and gone back into his own apartment and just checked again later. Wasted an hour or two with games or a movie. Instead, he pulled out his phone and leaned against the wall, and eventually sank to the floor, sitting and waiting, passing the time with apps and flirting with idiots online. By the time Locus came home, he was willing to bet an hour had passed, easy. Maybe more.

When he looked up from his phone, Locus was staring at him from a few feet away. His eyes were narrowed, brow furrowed just slightly. Felix smiled at him, and after a moment, Locus said, “What are you doing?”

“Waiting,” Felix answered. He glanced back at his phone. Some dude wanted to hook up in a park twenty minutes away. “I thought that would have been obvious. But, in case it isn’t…” He paused to tell the guy to fuck off and slide his phone into his pocket before getting to his feet. “Hey, neighbor. I’ve been waiting for you to get home, see. Thought I could stop by, see how you were doing… Y’know, nice neighborly things.”

Locus sighed. “Go home, Felix.”

Felix’s smile didn’t even waver. He had expected that. “Can I have your number?” he asked, watching Locus walk to his door.

Locus didn’t answer until he had unlocked the door. “No. Go home.” He pushed the door open an inch, and Felix slid up beside him, edging his foot through the gap. “Felix… I’m not in the mood for this.”

“Yeah, I’m not surprised by that.” They were close enough that Felix could practically feel the heat coming off of Locus, close enough that he had to crane his neck to look into those goddamn eyes. Locus did look a bit tired, he thought, but… Too late to stop now. “Give me your number, or let me inside,” he said quietly. Dropped his voice on purpose; it was supposed to make people listen to him, pay attention to him, turn their eyes back to him.

Locus did none of that. Locus ignored him and pushed his door open with one hand. The other reached for Felix, and in the split second before it would have planted on his chest and shoved him back, he made a quick decision. He ducked Locus’s arm entirely, squeezed past him (ignoring the feeling of Locus at his back as he did), and then Felix was standing in the middle of the kitchen.

It really was a clean apartment, so different from his own with its constant messes and build up of strange, sticky substances on the counters. Everything was wiped down, even the damn sink was shining. Expensive looking appliances sat on the counter - things that probably worked right - but the real beauty was that couch in the living room. One of those huge sectionals that looked soft enough to sleep on. Soft enough to fuck on comfortably, he figured.

Behind him, Locus had said his name with so much venom that it sounded like a growl. Felix glanced behind him and had a split second to stumble back from Locus’s reaching hand.

There was almost a glare on Locus’s face.

Felix grinned at him, walking backward into the living room. “You should say my name like again,” he said. “But this time, do it when you fuck me.”

“Get out,” Locus said lowly.

The door had shut behind him and the fact that they were alone in here wormed its way into Felix’s brain and wouldn’t leave. He stared at Locus standing in the kitchen, hardly an inch from glaring at him, and he thought again about what it had felt like to kiss this man. How great it had been that Locus had held onto him so tightly, pushed against him until there was no more room between them. He stood there, grinning, backing away from Locus, and thinking that he would like nothing more than for Locus to pin him against another surface.

Felix’s legs hit the couch and he stumbled, glancing from Locus to the couch and maneuvering around it. By the time he looked up, Locus had dropped his bag on the kitchen counter and was covering the distance between them quickly. “Look, I’m not gonna do anything,” Felix said, throwing his hands up. He took a few more steps backward before sinking onto the couch.

Goddamn, it really was a comfortable couch. So nice. So soft. From where he sat, he could see the television on the wall, a door between the kitchen and the TV, and Locus. Still angry, still walking toward him. Felix slid his hands over the sofa, settling back against the cushions.

“Get out,” Locus repeated.

“I don’t know,” Felix said slowly. He glanced quickly from Locus to various things around the room. Big TV. A nice game system underneath it - he seriously doubted that belonged to Locus. Guy acted so uptight that games had to be, like, beneath him. Those floor length curtains at the edge of the room were the last thing to draw his eye. Light was peeking underneath them; had to be floor-length windows. “This is a pretty nice place you’ve got here. I think I’ll stay for a while. Maybe watch a movie.”

When he looked back at Locus, he was standing by the couch, staring down at Felix. He didn’t say anything, didn’t move, and Felix trailed his eyes over his face and down his body. Felix shifted where he sat, leaning forward slightly. He was actually inching a hand closer to grasp Locus when the other man said, “Felix. Get out. Go home. If you don’t, I will make you leave.”

He actually seemed angry. It wasn’t any fun if Locus was going to be so pissed off about it. Felix sighed, contemplating the pros and cons of just sitting here anyway. He didn’t know what Locus meant by making him leave, but it was a definite threat. And, y’know, there was the thought that he had come here to talk to the guy not piss him off. Talk to him, touch him, maybe kiss him again.

Absolutely kiss him again.

Locus was still talking. “I have something I need to do, and you’re not welcome here right now.”

“Oh? Can I come by tomorrow then?”

He hadn’t expected a serious answer, but then Locus rolled his eyes and sighed. “Fine. Come by tomorrow,” he said. “But I need you to leave - now.”

Felix paused. He had permission to come over tomorrow, which was great, fuckin’ fantastic. He could totally wait a day to get another chance to press his hands flat against Locus’s skin - under his shirt, against his stomach, his back, everywhere he could touch. Would have been a great train of thought if it wasn’t so obvious that Locus didn’t want Felix there. Even without him saying so, Felix could tell by the way he stood, the tension in his shoulders and face.

That was something he had to change. Felix didn’t move from where he sat, but reached out and took Locus by the wrist. “You look stressed,” he said calmly. Locus was frowning again. “Think you might need to calm down.”

“I’ll calm down when you leave,” Locus said. He started to pull away and Felix strengthened his grip. Goddamn, Locus was strong. He could feel it, that strength, when Locus tried to jerk his arm away again. “Felix - “

“Kiss me,” Felix demanded. He looked up at Locus, right into his eyes, and pulled on Locus’s arm. “You weren’t so shy yesterday, so… Kiss me. Forget all the shit I’ve done - just fuckin’ do it.”

Totally the best way to make Locus a little less angry.

Locus ripped his hand from Felix’s grasp and there was a second’s pause before he was leaning over. Grinning, Felix reached up to take him by the collar with both hands, pulling until Locus was closer. Until Locus was hovering over him, bracing himself with his hands on either side of Felix. Wasn’t as good as being pinned down somewhere, Felix thought, but good enough. Locus was nice and close, and if Felix had his way, maybe he would end up being pinned into this couch. All he had to do was think about Locus’s hands on his body again, pushing him down, and his heart started pounding faster.

Locus said, “You’re leaving after this.”

Felix nodded. “Mm, absolutely.” He didn’t wait for a response then, just slid his hands around Locus’s neck and leaned in to kiss him. It was exactly like he remembered, if a lot less forceful and desperate. Locus kissed slowly, purposefully, and when he tried to pull back, Felix clasped at his hair where it was tied up. “Knew you wanted me,” he whispered.

Before Locus could answer, or move, or anything, Felix was leaning in again. Kissing Locus was addicting, got better with each time. Felix was moving one hand down Locus chest, keeping the other in his hair, making these ridiculous pleased noises when Locus didn’t pull away. And then Locus’s hands were on him, running down his sides and settling on his hips. Locus pulled him forward and Felix smiled against his lips, letting himself be moved closer and closer.

Until Locus pulled away suddenly. An arm slid underneath Felix’s legs, right behind his knees, and then he was lifted off the couch. His arms slid from Locus’s chest as he was moved. “It’s time for you to leave,” Locus said. He readjusted his grip on Felix, hands tight where they held onto his thigh and his waist.

“Locus, what the - Put me down!”

Being carried was humiliating. Especially like this, like a fucking child or a bride.

Locus’s chest was pressed against him though, firm and warm and Felix thought that if he leaned into just the right spot, he’d be to hear Locus’s heartbeat. For some reason that was such a great idea that he was tempted to give in to it. Locus was holding him effortlessly, like Felix weighed nothing, and he griped about the treatment even as he shifted to get more comfortable.

He didn’t give in and lean against Locus’s chest. He didn’t slid his arms around Locus’s neck either, crossing them over his chest instead. He said, “Y’know, if you’re gonna carry me, why not just take me to bed? Promise I won’t fight.” Halfway through his first sentence, Locus had stopped walking and Felix didn’t understand why until he glanced at the door.

At the girl standing there, holding onto a suitcase. Another bag was slung over one of her shoulders. She was pretty, with dark skin and lots of brown, tightly curled hair. A pair of sunglasses were pushed up into her hair. She stared, wide-eyed, at the two of them before smiling. “Getting along with the neighbors, Locus?” she asked. Sounded like she was teasing.

Felix glanced from her to Locus and back again. He nudged Locus with his elbow. “Hey. Hey, who is this? Introduce me, asshole.”

The girl at the door laughed loudly, kicking the door shut as she walked forward. “Oh, I’m Emily Grey - Doctor Grey, actually. Recently certified.” Her smile widened to a grin and she let go of her suitcase to stretch a hand out to Felix. The instant he took it, she slammed her other hand on top of his and squeezed. “And you’re one of our neighbors, right?”

“Uh, yeah.” He shifted in Locus’s arms. “Name’s Felix.“

Was it weird to have a conversation with this girl while Locus was holding him?

“Where do you live?” Emily Grey shook hands like a fucking crazed lunatic, tight grip and overenthusiastic.

“Right across from you.”

It was totally weird to have a conversation like this. Locus could let him down at any time, really. He snatched his hand from Grey just to elbow Locus sharply. Didn’t even get a grunt from him.

“Great!” Grey was grinning still, practically beaming, eyes glancing from Felix to Locus and back again. “I know Tucker and Wash, never talked to you, but that’s okay ‘cause you seem to be getting along with Locus.”

Locus sighed and started to talk, but Felix spoke right over him. “Only if making out counts.” He painted on the best smile he could, the one that charmed older women and made him look oh-so-innocent, and there was still this hint of smugness to it. Really, the look on miss Emily Grey’s face made it worth the fact that Locus dropped him instantly. There wasn’t even a warning, just the pressure of Locus’s hands suddenly vanishing and then Felix was hitting the floor. It hurt a little bit, slamming into the ground on his hipbones, and Felix breathed sharply through his nose.

He glanced up, at Locus crossing his arms over his chest, at Emily Grey staring at him on the floor. That lovely look of amusement had been wiped from her face, and as Felix watched, her surprise turned to annoyance in the blink of an eye. She dropped the bag from her shoulder, leaning down to help Felix to his feet, snapping at Locus as she did. “Why did you do that? Do you know how hard it is to introduce you to people if you’re going to be like this?”

Locus frowned, glanced from Felix to Grey. “He’s fine,” was all he said.

“Don’t drop people!” Grey said loudly. She looked down at Felix and added, “God, you’re so short... Locus, you could have broken something. Like his bones.”

Felix said nothing, but damn. Being short didn’t mean his bones were brittle, what the fuck. Grey kept a hand on one of his shoulders, and since she had made that stupid comment, it felt like she expected him to fall over. Felix ignored her berating Locus to look down at himself, wondering what the hell it was about him that made him look like he’d break bones just by being dropped.

He was more likely to break bones when he was out hunting, really. Almost did the last time the kill put up a fight.

Which reminded him that he needed to go out again soon. Maybe tonight. Before he came over again.

Felix blurted out, “Hey, Locus. Want me to cook tomorrow?” The idea struck and flew out of his mouth before he could stop it. It also cut off whatever conversation the two of them were having (something about Locus not making good impressions, boring) and both looked his way. Each of them wore the same surprised expression, though Locus’s faded into that stupid frown.

Felix decided he didn’t like that look so much. It had nothing at all to do with how Locus was looking at him like he was trash, and everything to do with the fact that his eyes didn’t seem as bright.

Locus said, “You’re not going to be here long enough to eat.”

Grey said, “You’re going to be here? Uh… Why didn’t either of you tell me this?”

“It didn’t seem important,” Locus said. “Seeing as you won’t be here.”

“Still! People over!” She looked at Felix, smiling again, squeezing his shoulder. “You can cook, even if Locus is going to be a grouch about it. I’ll let you in, yeah? Come over early!”

Felix looked from her to Locus, smirking. “Here that, asshole? I’m gonna make us dinner. It’ll be great. You’ll love it, believe me.”

Locus still didn’t look happy. Hell, he just looked really fucking annoyed. It wasn’t a surprise that he strode forward, pushing Grey’s hand off Felix. “Of course, Felix. Tomorrow.” He put both his hands on Felix’s shoulders, started to turn him to the door again, and then Felix was twisting out of his grip. He sighed. “What is it?”

“Don’t I get a goodbye kiss?” He could hear the noise Grey made, like she was choking back laughter, and grinned. Locus didn’t even answer, just started to push him toward the door again. “Hey, baby, come on… No need to be shy just ‘cause she’s here.”

Dropping a petname had a good effect. He got to see the surprise that flickered through Locus’s eyes before it was covered up. Got to hear Grey actual bark out a quick laugh. It also gave him enough time to grip Locus’s shirt and pull himself up. It wasn’t the first time Felix wished he was just a little bit taller, because leaning up to kiss this guy was ridiculous.

But then Locus was leaning down to meet him, and this time, at least, it wasn’t some stupid teasing thing. It was quick, but Locus’s lips were soft on his. Made it a lot easier to deal with being shoved through the suddenly open doorway. He caught Locus’s gaze before the door shut - those stupid pretty eyes staring at him like he was some kind of prey, like Locus was going to pounce and tear him to shreds. A direct contrast to the calm over the rest of his face and it definitely shouldn’t have made Felix as excited as it did.

He said, “I’ll see you tomorrow,” and Locus hummed lowly.

✹ ✹ ✹

Locus knew before he turned around that Grey was standing behind him grinning. If she hadn’t wormed her way into his business, then Felix… well, his entire existence wouldn’t have been a problem. Him being here in the first place wouldn’t have been an issue in that case. But Grey had told him months ago, when he had first moved in, that he needed to stop scaring people, get to know people, make friends and stop avoiding things.

It was for his own good, she had assured him. He was sure that Felix’s continued presence in his life wasn’t a good thing. Maybe, when she inevitably tried to make that point, he would use the rise of anxiety as an argument. Felix was nothing if not exhausting, and all that exhausted drew directly from his anxiety. 

Grey was laughing as he turned back to face her. All he said was, “Don’t.”

“You actually made out with him, didn’t you?” she asked.

He didn’t say anything, and Grey laughed harder.

“I said get along with the neighbors,” she said. “Not date them!”

Locus walked to the fridge, pulling it open just for something to do, to give him a reason not to look at that blazing grin of Grey’s. “I am not dating him.”

“He’s coming here tomorrow, making you dinner. You’re going to be alone with him here. Pretty much a date.”

He didn’t answer, reaching for a drink blindly. He didn’t bother to answer that. Dating Felix was a ridiculous notion, and he was almost certain that dates included leaving an apartment. Still, the idea was there now and all it was going to do was cause unneeded stress. At the very least, Locus could assure himself that it wouldn’t be a date to Felix. No, Felix would just see this as another way to get Locus to sleep with him. Which wasn’t exactly an improvement. The unease, the anxiety, still coiled in his gut - quieted by the medication but still there.

Locus sighed, drinking deeply from the bottle of water he had grabbed.

Grey was still talking, and he watched her pick up her bags again. “Do you always kiss neighbors?” she teased lightly. “Should I take another month off? You could kiss his roommates too!” She paused and laughed again, short and boisterous. “It’s an improvement, though. At least he actually seems interested in you.”

Locus walked past her, heading for his room. Grey coming home was fine, and he had expected her to stand around and talk at him, but he had been expecting nonsense and stories about where she had been. He would have entertained her if that was the case, but there was no chance of him standing there and listening to her go on about Felix.

He opened his door without a word, and Grey called after him. “Hey! Locus! Don’t go hiding away all day, okay? It’s not healthy.”

Easier, though. It was quieter in his room, and everything was organized, neat, and clean. The desk was empty and it wasn’t until Locus had sank into the chair that he remembered the bag he had left on the kitchen table.

Abandoned and forgotten because of Felix. Because standing there and watching Felix smile and grin - remaining calm while Felix acting as if he belonged here - it was asking far too much. He had watched Felix sit on his couch, lounge there comfortably, and thought that if Grey wasn’t coming home, he might not have minded this so much.

Locus sat at his empty desk, staring at the wall and seeing Felix grinning and taunting him. When Felix had grinned, Locus had felt his chest constrict. Felix had dimples along with his freckles, and that was far too cute for someone so annoying. He could blame kissing Felix on that train of thought, because kissing Felix had been a mistake the first time and that went double for today.

It was a mistake to invite him over as well, and he couldn’t even blame finding Felix adorable for that lapse in judgement. That had just been one hell of a bad decision.

He spent a while sitting there and agonizing over that. Over how quickly he had agreed to it, over what he was going to do once Felix was here, over the fact that Felix was going to cook for them both. Mostly on how he was going to keep the persistent idiot distracted to avoid giving in and kissing him again. Eventually, he left to retrieve his bag so he could throw himself into unfinished schoolwork.

It served nicely to push Felix to the back of his mind, an effect that lasted until his lunch break the next day.

When he spotted Felix, it was from across the university’s lounge, and that idiot neighbor had a limp. A very obvious limp, and when he stopped at a table to talk to someone, Locus watched as he leaned heavily on his right side.

It shouldn’t have bothered him as much as it did, watching Felix leave the building on the arm of an attractive girl. Logically, he was going to need help if he limping from pain, but it still left a sour taste in Locus’s mouth.

Locus did not throw the rest of his food away, gather up his things, and follow the pair as discreetly as he could. He did not stand by a building and watch Felix lean up to kiss this girl lightly. He did not spend the rest of his day wondering how Felix could have injured himself and definitely not who that girl had been.

And he was absolutely not, in any way, disappointed when Felix didn’t show up at all that night.


	4. heart of the lion

The only problem with hunting was that it had to be done late at night. Between one and four tended to be the best times. It took a lot of time too, picking out the best prey to serve up, making sure they were out late enough. There were usually two options: Wait for someone decent enough to show up, or lure one out himself. The problem with the latter was that it took longer, sometimes even a week, for Felix to find the appropriate prey and set up a way for them to meet him without drawing attention. And that was just time he did not have right now.

His impromptu need to cook dinner for the stupid hot neighbor was irritating in retrospect. It was two in the morning and Felix was sitting in Tucker’s car and watching the back door to a club. It was the only place open this late that guaranteed at least two prime choices of meat but he had been sitting here for an hour. Really wished he hadn’t just spit out the offer to cook.

Or at the very least, Felix wished he had fresh meat still stocked.

When someone good enough exited the back, Felix left the car with a duffle bag over one shoulder and a knife tucked into his belt. The complete knife set was inside the bag, along with foil and paper to wrap up whatever he took.

Good thing about clubs and back alleyways was that it was so dark no one could see Felix approach this stranger. No one saw him slip the knife from his belt and force the blade into the crook of the stranger’s neck. Thanks to the noise inside the club, not a soul could hear the strangled scream that rose from them.

The typical plan was to wound the prey badly, stop them from screaming too loud, let them choke to death on their own blood while Felix cut and sliced and pulled off the best pieces. So far, it was going fine. Felix yanked his knife back, spinning the blade between his gloved fingers. In the second he took to prepare the next attack, the stranger had turned and there was a fist flying at Felix’s face.

Felix cursed and ducked, lashing out with the knife and cutting across the person’s side. It’d make for an easy place to start slicing meat off once this fucker was down. That was the thing though - this person was a lot stronger than they looked, and fast too. Not that Felix wasn’t, but he was clothed head to foot, wearing heavy boots, and he was the one taken by surprise. He ended up dodging blows and moving quickly, trying not to give up too much ground. Blood was seeping out of the wound in their neck and they still kept coming, growling insults.

Then they said, “I oughtta call the cops on your punk ass,” and Felix felt the blood rush through him.

Fuck cops. Fuck this asshole.

He didn’t dodge the next hit, let them slam their fist into his chest as he kneed them violently in the gut. It worked, doubling them over, but then he had to scramble backward to avoid the fact that this fucker had just launched themself at him. They hit, and Felix felt his ankle give out, twisting unnaturally. Everything he did, they somehow worked to their advantage, to the point that Felix was wrestling with some asshole in a dirty alleyway. Like, actually wrestling, trying to jab his knife into their flesh in places that wouldn’t lead to substandard cuts of meat. He won, naturally, straddling them at the waist and slicing their throat open.

“You’re a fuckin’ jackass,” he said, taking deep breaths. “Not supposed to be this hard - but, then again…” He sighed, cutting their shirt open quickly. He pulled the duffle bag off his back, throwing it down beside him as he talked. “See, I'd really prefer to stalk the kill beforehand, seduce them sometimes, tell them I’ve got drugs and alcohol, whatever it takes. It can be a bit difficult, but it works.”

Their eyes were starting to glaze over and Felix smacked them, hard.

“Pay attention,” he said. “I’m talking here.” He was also pulling knives from his bag, slowly, holding them up in the dim light and examining each one. There was a really annoying dull throb in his ankle, and he ignored it to start cutting, talking the whole time, recalling the last time he had killed and how easy it was compared to this one. They died before he finished the story, and Felix packaged slabs of meat in foil and wrapped each one carefully in packing paper. It wasn’t as much as he got from the usual kills, only four pieces. Enough to cook tomorrow night, so… good enough. Felix put everything back where it belonged, every knife wiped clean of blood and put back in the set, wrapped up and folded on top of the meat, duffle bag zipped up. He paused then to look at his hands and sighed. He pulled the bloody gloves off, stuffing them into the back pockets of his pants.

When he stood, his ankle throbbed again - violently, painfully - and Felix hissed out a curse. He had to limp back to the car, throwing the bag in the passenger seat and then just leaned against it for a moment. He needed to dispose of the body - for fuck’s sake, he had what he needed all packed into the trunk of the car and ready to go.

But his ankle was impossible. It took ages just to move to the driver’s side and when he got there, Felix just sank into the seat and stared straight ahead. That pain in his ankle wasn’t fading, only seemed to be growing, and Felix glanced to the empty alleyway before sighing.

He fucked up then.

He left the body where it was, cut open and missing chunks of flesh.

When he got back to the apartments, Felix had to limp to the elevator, drag himself to his room, and then drop to his knees to stock the meat away. He threw his clothes in the washer then and didn’t even bother to look at his ankle until he was standing completely nude in the living room, balancing on one foot. It was swollen, starting to bruise already, and Felix made his way back to his room and collapsed into bed. He could deal with that in the morning.

It was worse when he woke up, both the pain and the swelling, and now he had the added bonus of a really nasty bruise. Fantastic.

For a moment, Felix sat on the edge of his bed, looking down at the swollen, discolored ankle like it had betrayed him somehow. Somewhere in his room, he was sure, was a first aid kit full of gauze and painkillers and bandaids - and Ace bandages. The only important thing. Only problem was that he had no idea where it was and it took forty minutes to find it. Forty minutes of Felix crawling from his bed to his desk to the closet, not wanting to put pressure on his ankle for any amount of time. It made pulling on pants a bit awkward, but when he left his room after an hour, the ankle was bandaged up and he could use the wall as support.

The clock over the stove read 10:30 by the time Felix had made it into the kitchen. Early for him, but he assumed the pain in his ankle had forced him awake. There was a bottle of painkillers in his pocket that he could take with water or something else, like juice. Juice would be better. Of course, when he opened the fridge, the only thing in there to drink other than beer was milk. Two entire gallons of it, to be exact. He heard a door closing somewhere behind him and asked, “Why do we have so much milk? What the fuck are you two doing with so much milk?” without turning around.

The answer came from Tucker. “There’s some soy in there, I think.”

“I fucking hate soy.”

“Get the fuck over it,” Tucker said. “No one wants to search for your bullshit specific milk substitute.”

Felix raised his middle finger in the general direction of Tucker’s voice. He glared at the two gallons of milk, at the carton of soy milk lingering behind them, and then slammed the fridge closed. Water was better than any of that shit. Tucker was standing by the table, watching him, dressed up for work. He waited until Felix had limped to the sink, a cheap plastic cup in hand, to say “What happened to you?”

“Busted ankle.” He sighed, setting the water down and pulling the pills out of his pocket, thinking that he really had fucked up. Could have waited to offer to cook until he had stalked down the perfect kill. “Need something to drink to take pills.”

“Yeah, sounds terrible.”

When he glanced up, Tucker was staring at his phone, completely ignoring him. Which was pretty typical. Unless Felix fucked something up or they were partying, Tucker just flat out ignored him. Great roommate. And he meant that. Tucker wasn’t at all intrusive, didn’t care one bit what Felix got up to. By the time he had swallowed down three of the painkillers, Tucker was talking again.

“Hey.” He was leaning against the kitchen counter now, smiling in that way that meant he wanted something. “Can your busted ankle hold your weight up?”

“...Why?”

Tucker looked at his phone again, reading from it. “Wash says he left an important assignment on his desk, wants one of us to bring it to him at school. But I’ve got work in half an hour, so it’s up to you.” He paused, looking down at where Felix had bandaged his ankle. “Shit, that looks swollen from here. Uh.. you could take the bus?”

Felix glared at him.

Tucker grinned and patted his shoulder. “Thanks, man. Wash’s class isn’t until noon, so have fun. Eat. Catch a bus. Don’t be late.” He was walking toward the door as he talked, shaking his keys in one hand. Felix watched him go, still glaring, leaning on his right foot and waiting for the painkillers to work. Right before the door shut, Tucker stepped back in. “Oh, right! We’re throwing a party for Kai tomorrow night. Don’t let your fucked up ankle ruin things.”

Felix threw his empty cup at Tucker’s head, missing as Tucker ducked back out the door. It slammed closed, leaving Felix standing in an empty apartment, still feeling the constant dull pain in his ankle. It was like it didn’t want to fade even with the stupid pills. With this busted ankle, and the swelling, and the pain that wouldn’t fucking go away, Felix would be lucky if he ate breakfast before carrying Wash his damn assignment. He wouldn't do anything at all for Wash if he wasn’t so sure that all he would get from it was Wash’s constant passive aggressive bullshit. And that would be after the initial argument about how Wash depended on him and these were things that Felix should be able to handle as the only one in the apartment with no school and hardly any work hours.

Wash always made it sound like he was helping Felix out by even letting him stay here with him pulling so little money in. What was a little favor between roommates when he wasn’t pushing Felix out the door every time he was a little short on rent?

Which, thanks to Wash, Felix knew was literally half the time he had been staying here.

On the plus side, going out to the campus meant he could start eyeing up people for new targets. Or, on a totally different track, he could find someone for quick sex. An injured ankle worked wonders on getting attention from girls as it turned out. He had limped all over the campus, from the bus stop to meet Wash at his building - got a lift from Wash then, quick ride to the lounge so they could eat lunch - and the whole time, Felix kept making up stories about his ankle to tell girls. Most of the girls he already knew, but they all cooed over poor adorable Felix and his injury.

“I can take you home,” Wash said as they walked to the lounge. He had offered to help Felix into the lounge, and had promptly been turned down. “Might be late for my next class, but - “

“Yeah, great,” Felix said. “You can stand being late. Don’t you have that class with Locus?” He smirked at the irritation that flashed over Wash’s face. “I’ll take that as a yes… You can ask him for notes.”

“No. I get notes from normal people.”

Felix followed Wash through the open lounge, looking from groups of students to the ones waiting to be let into the cafeteria. He sat down at the first table they got to, throwing his busted foot up on top of it. “You never told me why Locus is so creepy,” he said.

“Just trust me.” He paused by the table, glancing around the lounge. “I’ll go get us food. You owe me twenty for yours. Don’t move. Don’t talk to people. Don't do anything but sit there.”

Felix watched him walk away, and then there was a pretty girl smiling at him. The way Felix saw it, there was absolutely no one who could blame him for hobbling across to her table to talk to her. She was even prettier up close, but kind of stupid. Her name was Natalie, and she gave him the same kind of sympathy for his injury as the other girls. She also reacted positively to his flirting. A bonus. 

So what if he left with her a few minutes later? He texted Wash before he left the building, told him to bring the food home with him, that Felix found another way to get back to the apartment. It wasn’t like he had left Wash there waiting for him.

Paying attention to this girl and feeding her the exact right amount of bullshit and compliments, the hesitant little kiss he gave her at the car, it took a lot of his concentration. But it worked. It was no wonder that she followed him into the apartment, that she was pulling clothes off before they had even gotten to his room. With the injury, it only took him asking and then Felix got the pretty girl to ride him at a steady pace. It was nice to fuck a girl who wasn’t clingy. Not even twenty minutes later, and she was clothed and helping him back into his pants. She insisted on it, said, “You shouldn’t be on that ankle,” and wouldn’t listen when Felix tried to tell her that he was perfectly capable of putting his pants on. Whatever. He got to be spoiled by her, wasn’t like he was going to say no.

She even helped him into the kitchen before she left, got him food and made something to drink. And then she leaned down to kiss him and said, “Let me give you my number.” She even took a picture, told him it was so he could remember exactly who she was, and then she was gone before anyone came home.

Goddamn, what a way to spend the afternoon.

He ate slowly, wasting time, thinking that if he could get Locus to fuck him tonight then this would easily be of the best days he’d had all month. Even with the ankle issue, there wasn’t a lot two orgasms in one day couldn’t make better.  

Had to shower and redress before he left, had to make sure he looked good for this to work right. It was nearly four by the time anyone else came home, and by then, Felix was standing in the kitchen and cleaning slices of meat. The door opened and then the noise came back. Tucker, home and followed by the loud cranky asshole he called Church, and after them there was Wash. It was a good thing he was leaving soon ‘cause all three of them were talking at once.

Church was the loudest, but the only thing Felix could make out from him was curses and something about the rest of their stupid gang. Tucker was arguing back - something about girls, boobs, and one of the Grifs. He wasn’t sure which; both of them had boobs. Wash, it turned out, was on the phone, and he paused to yell at the other two to quiet down.

After a moment, Wash paused again to look over at Felix. “What are you doing?”

“Is he cooking?” Church asked. He and Tucker were standing in the middle of the living room, but he had his gaze locked right on Felix in a second. “Only thing the jackass is good for.”

“It’s not for you,” Felix said. “It’s for Locus. I’m cooking for him tonight.”

“Do we get leftovers?” Tucker asked. “Or are you gonna be an asshole and manage to eat all of it?”

“It’s for two people. Maybe you’ve heard of a date?” Felix grinned at the unamused look on Tucker’s face. “See, that’s what this is. I cook dinner for him, we get cozy on the couch, I ease him into wanting to kiss me, things go from there…”

Tucker snorted. “Felix, you don’t go on dates.”  

Felix sighed and said, “He doesn’t know that. If I call it a date, he’ll be locked into it.”  He was sliding the clean meat into plastic bags. He’d wrap them in foil and the packaging paper again, like extra protection against the open air. Had to be protected ‘cause he was sure that if he cooked it just right, this dinner would be like a seduction move. People liked having food made for them, Felix thought, and there was no way Locus could be an exception to that rule.

He was going to make the best of volunteering to cook, the busted ankle, his fuck up last night (that was going to be on the news this evening, he was sure). Before he left, Felix shoved all the meat into a bag and made sure he had the bottle of painkillers stuffed into one pocket. If he took enough of them, he could keep the pain to a minimum and totally suffer no side effects.

It’d be fine.

Tucker and Church were arguing again, Wash was back to ignoring all of them, and Felix was going to leave every single one of these losers to stew without him. And then he tripped out the door, threw his hands up to catch himself, and felt his ankle twist in its bandage. He was pretty sure he actually whimpered then, lying just outside the doorway, holding onto the meat in one outstretched hand. His ankle was on fire, dull pain multiplied by what had to be a thousand percent. He swore that there was some divine being somewhere who had taken an interest in ruining his life because there was no other reason for this shit - his constant problems and this stupid injury were some kind of cosmic joke.

From back inside the apartment, Wash called his name and Tucker said, “Did he just trip?”

Felix grunted, pushing himself up onto his hands and knees, wanting to ignore the whole thing. But then there was someone standing in front of him, heavy hands on his arms and lifting him up. For a moment he hoped it was Locus, but the man holding him up was even taller. Staring down at him, eyebrows drawn, and silent, like usual. Felix made a face at him, and then the jackass was setting him back on his feet. He swayed, and put all his weight on his right ankle instantly, leaning against the doorframe.

Wash sounded closer when he spoke again. “Hello, Maine. I’d apologize for Felix, but I don’t know why he's fallen in the doorway.”

The only answer from big, silent Maine was a low grunt.

Felix glanced behind him; Wash stood behind him, at the door’s other side. “Fuck you, Wash,” he said. “I’m injured, okay?”

“You tripped because you’re injured?”

“No. Shut up.”

There was a pause then, Wash narrowing his eyes at Felix, and Felix feeling like he was trapped. Wash scrutinizing him on one side, creepy mute asshole Maine staring him down on the other. In the background, he could hear the sounds of a videogame and Tucker and Church laughing and insulting each other. At least someone was having fun.

Of course Felix was going to break the silence. “Right, this is creepy, y’know, both of you staring at me. But, uh… I’ve got somewhere to be, so…” He gestured past Maine as he spoke, sliding tentatively onto his injured foot. Barely wanted to hold his weight but he could totally work with that for as long as it took to walk over to Locus’s apartment. 

Wash said, “Can you even walk?”

Felix said, “Yes.”

Maine reached out with one hand and pushed Felix so that he stumbled back onto his injured ankle.

And, in spectacular fashion, Felix went sprawling onto his ass as his ankle gave out under his weight. The meat had fallen from his hand, spilling from the bag. He sat there, looking between Wash and Maine, and before he could say anything, Wash had asked Maine, “What do you think?” The only answer he got was some kind of quiet grunt and a nod toward the stairs, but damn if Wash didn’t sigh. “Yeah….” he said. “I was expecting that. Just kinda hoped I’d be wrong.” After another quiet noise from Maine, he looked down at Felix and added, “You’re going to the hospital.”

Felix was frowning. “Wash. No.“

“Hospital.”

“I have to cook!”

“You can’t even walk.”

Felix started to say something but he stopped when Maine reached down for him again. Instead of just lifting Felix back to his feet, Maine held onto one of his arms, turned around and dragged him toward the stairs. He took long strides, making Felix scramble and hop after him, trying to wrench his arm loose the whole time. Before they had set foot on the ground floor, Felix watched the elevator doors open and Wash walk out, keys in hand. He ignored everything Felix said to him while they walked to the car, ignored all the threats and the attempts to start an argument, ignored Felix asking Wash to tell his weird silent boyfriend to let him go.

The nearest hospital was forty-five minutes away, and Felix got to spend all of it sitting in the backseat and glaring at the rearview mirror. Once, Wash said to Maine, “Sorry about this. I know it’s not what you expected for tonight,” and Felix stuck his tongue out, trusting it to be seen in the mirror. Because, really, he hadn’t asked for his. He could have handled himself.

Once they pulled up to the hospital, Wash veered straight for the emergency room and Felix grimaced. Emergency rooms meant actual sick people, doctors, nurses asking him the same goddamn questions. Couldn’t even give him a chart to fill out, no, they had to parade him around somewhere and ask him things he could have easily written down. Height, weight, medical history, allergies. All a pain in the ass. He refused to let Maine pull him in, holding onto Wash’s arm instead and glaring at the floor as he limped in.

Hospitals were terrible, doctors were awful and condescending, and Felix was gripped by the sudden need to get the fuck out as soon as the doors slid open for him. The smell of antiseptic and dying people was obvious even in the waiting area, and he was sure that wasn’t an exaggeration. He fed the nurses a half-lie about the ankle - “Sprained it at a club. Some dickfaced assmonkey shoved me over and it twisted.”

Really, the most humiliating fact was that they forced him to hold onto a nurse to be taken back for those goddamn questions, like he was some kind of an invalid. And then it was exactly what he expected to go through. Age? Twenty. Height? Five four. Allergies? A shitton, want the whole list or just medical? Then -

“How bad is the pain, on a scale from one to ten?”

In an effort to be seen as soon as possible and not spend his entire night in an ER waiting room, Felix said ten.

It still took two hours for him to be seen, and Felix spent the whole time glowering at Wash and Maine as they had some weird one-sided conversation. (How the fuck Wash understood the big silent freak was beyond him, it made no fucking sense at all.) Then it was another hour before the doctor saw him just to tell Felix what he already knew: he had a badly sprained ankle. Some nurse came by to give him a shot for pain, then another half an hour later with a prescription he could file in the morning and enough pain medication to get him through the night and the next two days if he took them sparingly. She gave him a drink of water in a paper cup and left, and Felix downed two of them sitting right there. By the time someone came to get him, the pain had faded back and he was starting to feel a little bit out of it. Hardly even noticed when the nurse pulled his shoe off and put a brace in place instead.

On the ride home, Felix fell asleep, falling over in the backseat and not waking up until someone shook him awake. Wash, leaning over him, eyebrows raised. “Pills must have side effects,” he was saying. “Must’ve made him drowsy.”

Felix mumbled something that was garbled and slurred and started to close his eyes again. Sleep seemed like the best idea right now.

Wash said, “Felix. Get up, or I’m having Maine carry you upstairs.”

He moved then, but slowly, leaning against Wash the entire time. The walk to the building, the elevator ride, and then Felix was stumbling to his bed. He didn’t even bother to undress, didn’t bother to do anything but lay down and pull a blanket over him before he slipped back into sleep.

Felix slept until past noon the next day, and when he woke up, he was aware of three things instantly. First, he was starving. Second, he needed a drink. And third, his ankle was throbbing again, but barely. Whatever the dose of those pills he had gotten was, it wasn’t enough. Needed to punch his pain into nonexistence - so he took another one. Just one, because apparently two of them had a powerful enough effect to make drowsiness into a sleep so heavy it was like a temporary coma.

He was sitting at the table in yesterday’s clothes, drinking steadily from a bottle of water (when the fuck someone bought bottled water, he had no idea), when it hit him that today was Saturday. And that today being Saturday meant that he had missed his special invite into Locus’s apartment.

Felix sat there, staring blankly at the empty living room before him, and said, “...Fuck.”

✹ ✹ ✹

Just because he had missed the first day didn’t mean he had to give up on the whole thing. Locus had invited him over, and since he was clearly injured, he had a good reason for missing it. Plus, he had this whole talk planned that painted him as a victim of some horrible fight. One where he didn’t instigate anything or attack anyone, and he was going to tell it in a way that would make even Locus feel sorry for him.

Felix left his apartment with the brace around his ankle, pain pills in his pocket, and the packaged meat from yesterday. He found it in the freezer, after Wash had finally left his room to point it out to him. “Here’s your meat,” Wash had said. “Take it. Stop glaring at the table. Go do something.” Felix figured he just wanted the apartment to himself for a bit. Which was fine with him ‘cause he had something much more important than whatever Wash was up to.

He stood there at Locus’s door, leaning on his good foot, and considering what to start with. An apology for not showing up yesterday? An explanation of what happened? Maybe he’d just start simple: ‘Sprained my ankle.’ He could make sure to hint that he could make dinner, because he said he would, but he might need help. Just something to lean against… like Locus. Warm, attractive Locus.

It’d be perfect. Like, actually this time, no ridiculous failures.

Then Locus answered the door with his hair down, falling over his shoulders and his collarbones in waves. Locus looking down at him with those gorgeous, striking eyes. Felix looked up at him, eyes darting over his features and lingering on the hair that framed his face. There were strands that curled inward at the end to touch his jawline. Locus tilted his head, and everything Felix prepared was replaced with the urge to reach up and twist his fingers into all that hair.

Locus said, “...What is it?”

For a second, Felix said nothing, tried desperately to remember anything he had come up with. What came out was, “Goddamn, you are stupid hot…” in a quiet voice. So quiet that, evidently, Locus didn’t hear all of it.

Because what Locus said next was, “Did you just call me stupid?”

“No, no, Locus - “

“I don’t appreciate being called stupid.”

“I didn’t call you stupid!”

Locus was frowning, brow furrowed. After a moment, he said, “Did you come here for any other reason, or was it just to insult me?”

Felix tightened his grip on the meat he held. Carefully packaged and cleaned, ready to cook. “I owe you dinner,” he said. Still staring at Locus’s hair, so dark brown it was nearly black. So in need of Felix’s fingers running through it. “And you said I could come over.”

“Yesterday,” Locus answered. “I expected you here yesterday.”

“I sprained my ankle,” Felix said. An edge of annoyance was finally piercing through the weird daze he was in. “Excuse me for not hobbling over.”

Locus’s eyes flicked down to the brace on Felix’s ankle for an instant, settled on the package Felix was holding, then back to his face. He didn’t say anything.

So, Felix continued. “I went to the hospital, y’know. Had to get expensive painkillers and everything.” Technically didn’t have them yet, just four more in a little plastic bag. The actual prescription had been taken to the pharmacy by Tucker earlier that day (or so he had been told). “So? Are we gonna do this or what?”

“No.”

“What the fuck do you mean ‘no’?”

“You’re not coming over,” Locus said slowly. “Go home.” He paused, gaze flickering back to his ankle and then glancing over his face. “Rest if you’re injured.”

Felix scowled, clutching the meat tighter. “You said I could come over. I was in the fucking hospital,” he repeated. “Just let me in, you fuckin’ jackass - “

“Hm. You’re definitely not coming over.” He took a step back from the door, already closing it. “Goodbye, Felix.”  He closed the door while Felix was telling him to wait and in the silence, when Felix was staring blankly at the door, he heard the distinct sound of it locking.

He stood there, still leaning on his right foot, glaring at the door. Before he even had time to think about what he was doing, Felix was screaming insults at the blank face of the door like it was responsible for his problems. When nothing happened, he kicked it. Hard. Which wouldn’t have been so bad if he hadn’t put all his weight on his busted ankle. The sharp lance of pain that went through the ankle made him yelp, and he tried to shift his weight before the other foot had even landed on the ground.

Felix fell in a mess of limbs, trying to hold onto the meat and then abandoning it to throw out his hands to try to catch himself. It didn’t work. Felix hit the floor with a thud, one arm bent at the wrist, the other pushed out by the fall and scraped all to hell. Basically a repeat of yesterday, with the throbbing in his ankle flaring up again, that persistent pain peaking through the pain meds.

After a couple of seconds, he heard Locus’s door opening and rolled onto his back. He was sure he looked absolutely pathetic, but Locus still had his hair down and looked hotter than anyone had any right to be. Felix said nothing, just stared as Locus sighed. For a second, he thought Locus might help him up, but all that happened was that Locus stepped over him and crossed to Felix’s door. By the time Felix had pushed himself up on his elbows, the door was opening.

Wash answered, blinked at Locus, and then sighed. His face fell into this annoyed look that Felix usually saw directed at himself. “What the hell do you want?” he asked quietly.

“Felix,” Locus said slowly. “He’s lying in front of my apartment. Get him up.”

“Insensitive prick,” Felix muttered. 

He pushed himself up, sitting with his knees bent beneath him, and stared at Wash with enough intensity to rival the sun. A look fueled by his anger at Locus, annoyance at having found himself on the ground again, and the almighty hatred he held for the universe and its stupid cosmic joke of his life right now. Even tried to send Wash a telepathic message. _If you come out here and touch me, I will fucking end you._

Wash glanced from Locus to Felix and back again, shifting uncomfortably where he stood. “...Y’know, I think Felix can help himself… Right?”

That look Wash sent him was almost pleading. Fine. He could stand, wasn’t that hard. He reached out to pick up the package of meat, frowning as the thought crossed his mind that it might not be as good when he finally got to cook it, and then Felix heaved himself back up. He took two shaky steps forward, and then just gave up and launched himself forward, reaching for Locus. He clung to Locus’s arm with one hand, pulling himself upright to stand beside the taller man and look at Wash.

“What do you know,” he said without looking at Locus. “I can get up on my own. No thanks to this asshole.” He squeezed without thinking, feeling at the muscles of Locus’s arm and sliding his fingers just slightly over the skin.

“Good,” Wash said. His eyes were focused on Felix, and Felix held his gaze even as he inched as close to Locus as he could get himself. “That’s good. You two should… go ahead with whatever it is you’re up to. No need to bother me.”

Locus was trying to pull his arm away. He said, “There is nothing happening. Felix was coming home and apparently decided to kick my door, though I have no idea what he was trying to accomplish.”

“Maybe it was because you’re a jackass,” Felix said lightly. Wash was looking more and more uncomfortable the longer he stood at the door, and Felix wanted to help him - really, he did - but Locus had moved his other hand up to try and pry Felix’s fingers off. He moved without thinking, letting go of the meat and catching it in the crook of his elbow as he slammed his now free hand on top of Locus’s. There was the temptation to squeeze his hand too, but he ignored it.

Locus said, “Felix. Let go.”

Sounded like an order. Lame. To Wash, Felix said, “Locus thinks he can shove me back over here just because I missed our date.”

While  he was talking, Locus had pulled loose from him but then Felix felt him freeze. His hands were just barely touching Locus at all now and he glanced up to get a glimpse of the man. Locus was staring at him, expression set somewhere between confusion and alarm. All Felix took note of was the shadows cast on his face by his hair and the way the sunlight brought out such interesting shades. He couldn’t decide if it was the sun, or the fact that his hair was down, or if it was because he was remembering _yet again_ how soft it had been - whatever the reason, Felix changed his classification of Locus from hot neighbor to impossibly gorgeous neighbor.

Seriously, the guy was too hot for his own good.

“We don’t have a date,” Locus was saying slowly. “There is no date.”

Felix tore his hands off of Locus with an annoyed huff. He moved toward his open door and Wash in what would have been a fluid movement if his ankle wasn’t making him limp. Even took his eyes off of Locus, as hard as that was to do. “Can’t believe you,” he said with a sigh. “I put so much effort into this - the meat and the promise to cook…” At the door, he shoved the meat at Wash’s chest, making the other take it, and then he turned to look back at Locus. He made sure to look disappointed, maybe a touch upset, hopefully not like he was fawning over this fucker’s stupid face. “I spent a lot of time on looking good for you, too. It was a date, and it’ll still be a date, and you can’t turn me away when I was at the hospital. I expected more from you.”

It was some pretty good grade A bullshit, but it was totally worth it for the look on Locus’s face. Definitely confused, and when Felix backed through his door, Locus was trying to cover up the confusion with that steely gaze of his.

Felix shut the door and looked at Wash, grinning.

Wash looked confused too, but there was amusement that replaced it quickly. “What the hell was that?”

“Fucker wouldn’t let me in,” he said, laughing now. “He deserves a little confusion, okay?”

“Confusion’s an understatement. I think you fried something in his brain.”  Wash walked to the fridge, placing the meat in the freezer once again. “Do we get to eat this meat now, since you failed again?”

“No, it’ll be good tomorrow. And I’m getting over there.” He made his way slowly to the living room, planning to sit on the couch until something more interesting happened. Make plans for tomorrow, maybe. After a moment, he added, “Beside, maybe if he thinks it’s a date, he'll let me in when I go there again. Play up the offended thing. Oh, and I could work the pity angle too. This busted ankle might just help me out, isn’t that great?”

Wash didn’t answer, so Felix turned on the TV. Didn’t stop him from babbling, but at least now there was noise other than him. He twisted around, draping over the back of the couch and watching Wash make something to eat. And he talked - about Locus, his plans, the “date”, if Wash thought he could get off of work for a busted ankle. If he got off work, Felix said, he was sure to be fucked in the rent department. It was a mostly one-sided conversation. Wash made comments every now and then. He ended up watching movies with Wash for four hours before people started filing through the door, and by that point, he had forgotten about a party. It wasn’t the best surprise, especially since he had been staring at the TV and absolutely not thinking about Locus and his stupid pretty eyes and soft hair and dark skin, warm to the touch - nah, not at all.

The party was a bit of a jolt. People packed the place in less than an hour, music sprang up, and Felix found himself sitting in the lap of one of Wash’s good-looking friends. Chatty dude, especially after he drank a lot. It was a pity Felix’s train of thought was on another goddamn planet, ‘cause he would have at least made out with the guy on any other night. Maybe on a night when he could drink - apparently heavy duty painkillers and alcohol didn’t mix well and Felix was given water and sodas instead. Did not make a party entertaining, so he just sat there, entertaining small talk, leaning against this guy, and letting his thoughts wander to that jackass neighbor and how it might feel to get this close to him.

He never did figure out what the party was for. Something about Sister, so, good for her.

✹ ✹ ✹

It was Monday before Felix bothered to limp across the short distance to try again. Though he didn’t want to call it trying since he was going to get this over with. He didn’t sprain an ankle and get fresh meat for nothing. This meat was for a special occasion and there was no goddamn way he was going to end up watching Tucker devour half of whatever he made with it. So Felix left his apartment with not only the meat, but anything else he thought would make a nice dinner all packed into two bags. He only had to knock once before the door opened to Emily Grey grinning at him.

This time, it would work because Emily Grey had come over the day before to give him the exact time to stop by. Apparently, she thought the way Locus had brushed Felix off was rude and had assured him that Locus was probably just nervous and that he’d be much more approachable after he got used to the idea of Felix being in the apartment.

Didn’t matter to Felix. All he had to do was agree and now he had an hour to start cooking before Locus would be home from his classes. He stepped past Grey, setting the bags on the counter, close enough to the stove to reach but far enough to stay out of the way. Then he just stood there, suddenly hit by the realization that he had absolutely no idea where anything was in this apartment. Hell, all he knew was that it was really clean.

Grey was making her way over to one of the stools at the counter, pulling herself onto it and watching him. There was a huge book sitting in front of her and she slammed it closed, sliding it away. “I was reading before you got here,” she said. “But I was wondering…”

Felix paused in the act of flinging open every cabinet and glanced at her. She offered absolutely no help, just continued talking. “Do you mind if I ask you some questions?”

He had the feeling he shouldn’t have agreed to that, but what he said was, “Sure, why not?” Whatever. It couldn’t be too bad, probably just boring questions he would answer absently while making sure everything was turning out just right. It took him a few minutes to find the dishes he wanted, and by then Grey ahd already asked him where he was from - she didn’t, thank fuckin’ Christ, ask him which country he was from originally like so many assholes had before.

She asked, “Why are you so interested in Locus?” while he was starting on the meat.

“Have you seen the guy? He’s - “

“Amazingly hot, I know,” she said. “I thought so too, but then after a week, it’s just - wow. Kiiiind of creepy.”

Felix snorted. “Wash says the same thing. Minus the hot part, of course.” Still had yet to see what was so creepy about the guy. Kind of rude, looked at Felix like he was trash on occasion, but not creepy.

Grey was silent for long enough after that that Felix had started to think she was finished already. But then she recounting this story of how Locus had frightened a delivery guy so badly that they could never order from there again, and how there was this one time he had slammed the door in the face of one of Grey’s classmates, and another one about how another girl in Grey’s classes had thought Locus was so great - even with the staring and the creepy silence and the short, curt sentences he would answer her with. That girl, Grey said, got turned off of Locus only when he had responded to her advances with more avoidance and cold remarks. “He’s creepy, he’s scary, people just don’t like him,” Grey said. She was still smiling, watching Felix prepare food and go through a cabinet of spices. “But let’s not tell him that you know any of that happened. He won’t be happy if he knows that you know and that I told you, you know?”

“Yeah, I got it.”

Still, Locus didn’t sound that creepy. Whatever it was about him that made everyone else so uncomfortable just wasn’t obvious to Felix and whatever it was couldn’t possibly matter when the man was just so good looking. And there was the fact that basically everything Grey had just described, Locus had already tried with Felix, so…

It couldn’t be that bad. He assured Grey as such while he was placing the meat in the oven and starting on the side dishes.

All she did was smile wider, like Felix had said something she found very interesting. When she spoke again, it was to ask him about his family life and his childhood, and Felix found himself cooking and dancing around actually detailing anything about himself. It was weird, and she wouldn’t stop asking questions and prodding him about it, and by the time the door opened again, Felix was halfway through telling Grey about the time he had gotten a dog for his birthday.

It was a relief to see Locus standing there, strands of hair falling down from the tie. Locus with those stupid pretty eyes flickering between Felix and Grey. He abandoned the story completely to smile widely at Locus, leaning against the counter and pushing his ankle forward. The brace was still wrapped around it, and he watched Locus’s gaze fall to it before looking back at him. “Hey,” he said. “Ready for our date?”

He could see Locus tensing from across the kitchen. And as Locus glared, Felix’s smile grew to a grin. This was going to be fantastic, he would make sure of it.


	5. pulses can drive from here

Locus wasn’t surprised to see Felix standing there, not really. He had been expecting this to happen at some point, especially since his interfering roommate had offered to let Felix in. There was just something about Felix actually being there, leaning against the counter and grinning at him so widely that those dimples were visible again, that made Locus realize he wasn’t prepared for this. Not for the dinner, not for Grey grinning at him in that secretive fashion of hers, and absolutely not for Felix calling it a date.

He had been so sure that this wasn’t a date for either of them. His default reaction was to glare fiercely at Felix, a look that had always served so well in the past for making people want to leave him alone. He had perfected it over the years, and now that he really did want to be left alone, nothing came from it. Felix just looked happy.

He was definitely not prepared for this.

Felix at least was distracted by the sound of the stove going off, turning to it and leaving Locus to deal with Grey’s ridiculous grin trained on him. He could deal with Grey on a normal day - it wasn’t hard. Just say the right things at the right points and never encourage her to talk about any surgeries she had seen or done herself.  Today, he was going to go with that: just don’t ask questions. Don’t give her a reason to start talking because with that look, it was bound to be teasing about something he didn’t even understand.

After a moment, Locus turned from both of them and started out of the kitchen. Grey called after him. “Where do you think you’re going?”

He paused, looking at her, then at Felix. There was a covered dish in Felix’s hands, the smell of spices and meat drifting from it. “To my room,” he said. And when both of them just waited for further explanation, he sighed and lifted the bag from his shoulders. “To drop this off away from him. I’m not going to disappear.” He kept his eyes on Grey as he spoke, still aware of the grin on Felix’s face.

“I never know with you,” Grey said. “You have this weird avoidance thing.”

Which was absolutely not something Locus wanted her to bring up around Felix. He rolled his eyes, walking to his door and ignoring Felix saying that it was fine, he’d set the table for both of them. Once his door shut, Locus leaned against it and breathed deeply.

This wasn’t supposed to have been a date. Felix wasn’t supposed to have called it a date. They were just supposed to eat dinner and then he was supposed to shove Felix out the door, and that would have been it. There would have been no awkward moments, none of Felix’s bad attempts to flirt with him, nothing that would have tempted him to kiss Felix again.

He had already failed at that one. That damned foolish grin of Felix’s had affected him again.

Locus tossed his bag onto his desk, shrugged out of his jacket and hung it on the desk chair. He hesitated for a moment, reaching up to fix his hair slowly. He pulled all of it up out of habit and then glanced at the mirror over his dresser to pull some of it down again, letting it fall around his face. He was being ridiculous, he knew, doing this just to waste time but he could feel the edge of anxiety growing. Really, he’d like nothing more than to stay in this room for the remainder of the night. Maybe wait until Felix got bored or annoyed (upset?) enough to leave. It wouldn’t be the first time he had simply avoiding someone entirely, and at least then Felix might lose interest in him.

But he had agreed to this, had invited Felix over, and just because he tried to shove Felix away didn’t mean he could ignore tonight. After another moment, he sighed, pushing open the door to his room. All he had to do was relax and this would be easy. He could still kick Felix out after they ate.

The smell of what Felix had cooked was heavy in the air, enough to perk Locus’s interest a bit. He hadn’t eaten since just past noon, and there were two plates ladened with food sitting on his dining table. Felix sat behind one, elbows on the table, head in his heads, staring at Locus with a look that was more smirk than smile. That look did nothing to curb the anxiety twisting in Locus’s gut and neither did the absence of Grey.

Felix said, “Are you just gonna stand there all night? Come on, Locus. Sit. Eat.”

Locus didn’t move. “Where is Grey?”

“In her room.” Felix nodded toward the closed door, not taking his eyes off of Locus. “Said she had to get ready for work.” He told Locus again to sit down, added that since Grey would be leaving soon, they would be all alone.

It really wasn’t an appealing thought.

Locus settled into the seat across from Felix, not moving to pick up any silverware, not doing anything besides glancing from Felix’s face to what was laid out before him. The meat was covered in sauce and dotted with spices, set alongside chopped potatoes and mixed vegetables. There was a glass of iced water in front of him and he reached for that instead of the food. While he drank, he avoided Felix’s eyes and tried not to notice how incredibly awkward this was already.

Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw Felix watching him, saw the smile on his face dimming. Felix was annoyed and that should be a good thing.

“Are you gonna eat?” Felix said.

If he was annoyed, then Felix would leave sooner. Just like always, Locus was going to be cold and distant and, in time, Felix should follow suit and excuse himself. Felix would leave, angry or upset, and that would be it.

It should have been a good thing, but he thought about Felix looking dejected and angry and then Locus started to slice a small part of the meat off. He pretended not to notice how Felix lit up again instantly, how he leaned forward, hands on the table. Locus glanced from the meat to Felix, hearing Grey moving around in her room and feeling his heart racing at the prospect of being left alone with this idiot neighbor. Instead of addressing it, he asked, “What is this?”

“Pork chops,” Felix answered. “Fresh from a butcher. I only get the best, you know.” He was grinning again and Locus dropped his eyes back to his plate. “So fresh you could say I picked the pig myself. Lent the butcher a hand, got to pick the prime cuts out myself.”

Locus wasn’t sure if he felt like pork chops tonight, but Felix was still going on about pigs and butchers. He ate the first piece in the hopes that Felix would just stop talking. It worked and Locus watched Felix as he stopped talking midsentence to grin. It was bright, but almost smug. Felix said, “Do you like it?” and it was quiet, almost like he was nervous about it.

Which, Locus thought, he might very well be. It was almost comforting, the idea that Felix was nervous about this as well. Only almost because now Locus was sitting there, slowly cutting another piece of meat off and wondering if Felix’s nervousness was rooted in how attracted he was to him. Locus thought about this idiotic neighbor actually being interested in him and the anxiety in his gut exploded again. He ate another piece to avoid answering, keeping his eyes off of Felix  

It helped that the food was good. A lot better than he expected. After the third bite, Felix had leaned back in his chair. There was a self-satisfied smirk on his face when Locus glanced to him. “You totally like it,” he said. His own food sat untouched in front of him and Locus had the distinct impression that Felix was actually watching him eat. “That’s great. Had to go out just for you to get that food. Got injured for it.”

In the constant flurry of nerves, Locus had forgotten about Felix’s injury. It was hard to understand how that had happened now; the brace was entirely obvious from where his foot was lodged against the table leg. For the first time since he sat down, Locus spoke, slowly and quietly. “How did you injure yourself getting meat from a butcher?”

Felix laughed, a small sheepish sound. He raked a hand through his hair, messing it up, before leaning forward to poke at his food. “I, uh... actually lied then. Didn’t expect you to actually answer. You haven’t said a thing all night.”

“Then how did you get an injury?”

Felix met his eyes then, stabbing his fork into potatoes. “I was at a club.”

“A club.”

“Yeah, Locus, that’s exactly what I said. Don’t interrupt me.” He raised the fork toward Locus, shaking it in some vaguely threatening manner. He was still smiling, easy and light. “After I got the meat from the butcher, I went to a club and some jackoff didn’t seem to understand that I didn’t want to deal with him. He pushed me, I hit him, things got a little out of control, and then I was on my ass with my ankle bent in a way it really shouldn’t have been.”

It sounded like Felix wasn’t going to stop talking. He only stopped when Grey came out of her room. Her arrival did nothing for Locus’s nerves, especially not when she leaned down next to him to say, “Have a good time, okay? This will end great, I can tell.” She was smiling, dressed in scrubs, car keys already in one hand.

Before she left, Grey patted Felix on the shoulder. “I’ll be back late,” she said. The bright smile she gave Locus was met with a glare, and then the door slammed shut behind her and Locus was left to drop his gaze down to Felix.

Felix stared back at him, still with a smile. Locus watched as Felix sighed, propping his head in one hand. The other was sliding a chunk of meat around on his plate, but Felix was ignoring that to stare straight at Locus. “Took her forever to leave,” he said. “Now that we’re alone, how about we - hey! Where are you going?”

Locus ignored him. He had stood up from his seat suddenly, heading right back to his room. Felix was still talking - “Really? You’re going to hide in there? Fuck, that’s so disappointing.” - but Locus wasn’t going to answer.  For the second time that night, Locus leaned against his closed door to control his breathing. Being left alone with Felix was simply too much. Grey leaving, Felix’s shift in conversation, the look in his eyes.

They had been eating, starting to talk, and Locus thought that it might actually be easy to do this with Felix. He was wrong, of course, and his pounding heartbeat was the first sign that this was not going to be an easy night. Locus stood where he was, trying to force his pulse to slow back down - deep breath after deep breath - and when he closed his eyes, he saw Felix again. That stupid smirk and the fact that he had looked straight into Locus’s eyes while he spoke.

Locus pushed off of his door and made his way to his desk, pulling open drawers and searching. The anti-anxiety pills were shoved into the back of the second desk drawer, nearly empty. Enough for tonight. There was a half empty water bottle sitting on his desk, left there before he had gone to his classes that morning. A convenient way to take a pill without Felix knowing exactly what was going on.

He really had thought he could do this without the help of medication.

Stepping out of his room again, he wished that it would work faster because looking at Felix still sent his anxiety rocketing. Felix was leaning over the kitchen table, nearly on top of the table. He was reached for Locus’s plate, spearing a slice of meat on his fork and shoving it in his mouth. Locus sighed. “Felix. What are you doing?”

Then Felix looked his way, eyes wide, fork still in his mouth. After a moment, he pulled it out, sitting back in his seat. He paused, and then Locus was standing there watching as Felix licked his lips, watching and trying to quell the thought of kissing his idiot neighbor again. “You left,” Felix said. “I had no idea what you were doing, you didn’t say anything, so excuse me for thinking I should eat while you were gone.”

“You were eating my food.” At least he was far enough from Felix to not stare at the patterns of freckles on his cheeks.

“Already ate mine.” It was true. Somehow, during the two or three minutes when Locus wasn’t there, Felix had cleaned his entire plate. It sat off to the side, by an equally empty glass. “I need food, okay? I’m a growing boy.”

Locus didn’t answer, just sat back down instead. He continued to eat in silence, not answering Felix’s attempts at conversation (it could be flirting for all he knew) and didn’t look Felix’s way either. It was easier to behave like this and let the medicine work, easier to just eat and not pay attention to the other person in the room. Until he heard Felix speak again and looked down to find Felix sitting far too close to him. Felix, staring up at him expectantly. Locus’s gaze flashed from his eyes to his freckles, to the multiple piercings in each ear. After a moment, Felix seemed to realize that Locus hadn’t heard what he said. “Holy shit, man, pay attention.”

“Sorry. What did you want?”

“Just wondering why you’re so tense.“ Felix’s eyes were tracing over the stiff set of Locus’s shoulders, down his arms, and back up to his face. “And don’t say it’s because of me. That’s starting to get a little old.”

It was because of Felix. Locus settled for telling Felix not to sit so close. Which evidently was taken as an invite, Felix sliding his chair closer, and leaning forward until the two of them were practically touching. “Sorry if it is me,” Felix said quietly. “I just… I really wanted a reason to get close to you. Dinner seemed like a good idea - who doesn’t like to eat, y’know?” Felix’s hands were inching toward his own as he spoke and Locus drank from his glass for an excuse to pull his hand away. “I can leave after you’re done eating if it’s really that bad that I’m here.”

That was it. That was the out that Locus needed. Just tell Felix to leave, say he was done eating, end the night early. There wouldn’t even be any guilt about it because Felix had just offered it. But then Locus set is glass back down and Felix’s hand was on his, fingers sliding over the back of Locus’s hand before settling on his wrist.

Locus stared down at him.

Felix offered a smile, one devoid of that arrogance. Even lacked the edge of flirtation that he usually looked at Locus with. It was almost innocent, and made him even cuter. Locus said, “It’s fine,” and watched as Felix’s smile grew.

“I can stay?”

“...For a while.”

“And you’re not gonna be so tense the whole night?”

The medicine was working, so Locus just nodded. He looked away from Felix - spent too long staring at the idiot, he thought - and then snapped back to him instantly. Felix was sliding his fingers over Locus’s hand, and before Locus even thought to react, his hand was in Felix’s. And Felix was leaning closer to him.

Felix, the idiot neighbor with freckles and dimples, biting at his lip and leaning in. Locus watched Felix’s eyes flicker from his own to his mouth and then he had yanked his hand loose and pushed Felix back. He took in Felix’s instant frown, and how he shifted back in his seat to sit a few inches farther back than he had been. Even if the medicine was working, the thought of kissing Felix again just caused a flurry of nerves. Strange. It hadn’t really bothered him before.

Felix said, “Alright. No kissing.”

It must be the ‘date’ issue that made this so awkward. Locus ate in silence, ignoring anything Felix said. He didn’t look back at Felix until he was finished, about to take the dishes away, and even then it was meant to be quick. Just a glance because curiosity demanded that Locus check to see if Felix was visibly bored or distressed, anything that would hint that he had yet again turned someone away. What he got was Felix staring at him. He smiled when Locus looked his way, and something about it seemed light and casual, not at all like his usual expression.

Locus frowned, and Felix’s smile widened in response. “What is it?”

For some reason, Felix looked tired. He said, “You really do have the greatest eyes.” When Locus turned his head away, Felix reached up with both hands and turned it right back, held onto his face so Locus had to look at him. Locus was a bit annoyed at that, more at the feeling of the other’s hands on him than anything else.

“No, look, I’m serious,” Felix was saying. “Your eyes are gorgeous.” He was moving his fingers as he spoke, moving slowly down Locus’s face to grip his jawline - at least with one hand. He seemed hellbent on sliding the other down Locus’s neck.

Locus reached up and pulled both of Felix’s hands off of him. He intended to push Felix back and continue on with this terrible date, but then Felix was twisting out of his grip and running his hands over Locus’s arms. And he was still talking: “You know, your eyes are definitely why I was first attracted to you. ‘Cause I don’t think it’s possible to find that shade anywhere.”

That sounded like absolute bullshit.

Felix smoothed his hands over Locus’s skin, stopping right under his elbows. He was still staring straight into Locus’s eyes - it was just a little bit embarrassing. “I’ve actually tried, y’know,” he said. “Tried to find it in nature, but the skies were either too blue or too grey, and then the water wasn’t good either. I mean, sometimes, it was green and as amazing as it would be for green to be in your eyes too, it isn’t, so - “

“Felix.”

He stopped, rubbing his thumbs over Locus’s skin. The sensation of Felix’s hands on him was something else Locus filed away to ignore. Just like how the longer he looked at Felix and that stupid smile, the cuter the idiot neighbor was. Locus said, “I doubt you’ve done any of that.”

Felix’s smile flared into a grin instantly, a small laugh slipping out before he stifled it. “Ah, but how would you know?”

Locus yanked his arms away. Felix had started leaning forward again, slowly, almost like he was moving subconsciously, and Locus leaned back to keep distance between them. “There isn’t a need for you to lie to me.”

“I’m not lying,” Felix said, and when Locus turned a skeptical gaze on him, his grin turned a touch sheepish. “Well… maybe that was a bit of an over exaggeration, all that nature shit. The point though. All that about your eyes? That is true.” He grin faded as he talked, until he was looking at Locus with the lightest smile. Still leaning forward, reaching for Locus again.

Under Felix’s gaze, Locus shifted in his seat, gaze hardening into a glare. Felix was his annoying neighbor, the worst one, the nosiest one - but he was also sitting there and telling Locus yet again that he was gorgeous. That his eyes were gorgeous, even when he was glaring. Every part of him was saying to get Felix away from him, even if all he did was stand and clean the table off. Surely putting even the slightest bit of distance between them would be good.

But then Felix had a hand on his face again, and when Locus reached up to pull him away, he froze with his fingers wrapped around Felix’s wrist.

Felix said, “You gotta realize it by now, right? That I really do like you. LIke a lot, more than I should when you keep pushing me away.”

Locus said nothing, too busy willing the ache in his chest to stop. It didn’t matter what Felix said, this was still the worst neighbor he had ever had saying it.

So of course Felix continued. “I don’t usually go on dates, you know. This is… well, I wouldn’t call it special, but it’s definitely something. You can’t fault me if I want to figure things out. Like why exactly I like you so much.” He brought his other hand up to frame Locus’s face and pulled Locus toward him.

And Locus let him. Locus kissed Felix and told himself it was to shut him up. It was to stop the conversation before it got any more uncomfortable. To hopefully satisfy Felix for a little while, just long enough for Locus to figure out what to do next. He listened to the quiet noise Felix made, felt the hands on his face slid around his neck. He stopped before it get too far out of hand, leaning back as far as he could before Felix’s hands tightened.

Felix looked the happiest he had the entire night. Locus just looked at him, at the freckles standing out on his cheeks and the slightest hint of red in his face. Then Felix was kissing him again, slow and pleasant, and some part of Locus’s mind whispered that this would be a fine way to spend the night. Felix’s hands were moving, warm and soothing over the skin of his neck, moving down Locus’s chest steadily. Slowly, Locus reached up with one hand, pressing fingers to Felix’s face lightly.

When they separated again, it was Felix pulling back. There was a flush to his face, and he licked over his lips before meeting Locus’s eyes. He was smiling again, but there was something else to it now - something familiar that made Locus pull his hand back

“You still kiss good,” he said quietly. “That’s good. Not that I was worried you didn’t… just really good.” He was close, biting at his lip and lying his hands flat against Locus’s chest. “Kind of makes me wonder what else you’re good at.”

Rather than answer, Locus reached up to pull Felix’s hands off of him. This was more in line of what he expected from Felix. The usual bad flirting. Nothing like what he had been saying before, about actually feeling something for Locus.

Felix fought against him long enough to lean up and kiss him, quick and light. And then he said, “Bet you’d be real good at sucking dick.” He laughed when Locus pushed him back, adding, “Man, if you’re hot now, seeing you between my legs with your lips around my cock would be amazing. Hottest thing I’d ever see, I’m pretty sure.”

Whatever it was that had Locus thinking this could be a nice evening was smashed then. He rolled his eyes, standing and pushing his chair back with enough force for it to scratch along the floor with a quiet squeal. “Thank you, Felix,” he said as he collected the dishes.

“For what? The kissing or the compliments?”

Locus didn’t speak again until he dropped the dishes into the sink and then he turned a glare onto Felix. Watched him try to stifle a yawn. “Thank you for reassuring me that you are nothing but a sex-crazed idiot.” To think that he had almost believed this was a serious date, that it was about anything other than sex. Well, he wasn’t going to make that mistake again. He wasn’t going to make any mistakes with this one, never again.

At least Felix looked offended rather than proud. “Where did that come from? We were getting along great here, kisses and - and I said I _liked_ you.”

“Yes. And? Do you expect to be rewarded for feeling human emotions?”

Felix just scowled, crossing his arms over his chest and sinking into the chair. He looked like a sulking child, and Locus felt anger rising just looking at him.

“You actually did expect something, didn’t you?” Locus continued. He stood at the end of the kitchen counter now, glaring at Felix - and Felix was looked pointedly toward the door. “You’re arrogant enough to believe I would cave and fuck you, aren’t you? Admitting you have feelings for someone doesn’t automatically guarantee they want to sleep with you - “

“Will you shut up?” Felix interrupted. “God, you’re so annoying.” He pushed himself to his feet, leaning on the table and wavering on his braced foot. He met Locus’s glare with his own one; he still looked tired. “And who lectures someone on a date? What the fuck is that?”

“This isn’t a date,” Locus said. It wasn’t. He was sure of it. A date shouldn’t have two people arguing in the middle of a kitchen. A first date certainly shouldn’t include one person making such sexual statements, and without even an ounce of subtlety.

Felix didn’t answer at first, glare dissipating to a blank stare. “Of course it is! I said it was, I cooked dinner! I - I confessed something! That’s a date.”

“Shut up.”

Felix stuck his tongue out before saying, “You’ve said more than I have, jackass.”

Locus strode from the counter to Felix, to push him lightly. He stumbled backwards, careful not to trip on his bad ankle, and then he was glaring up at Locus again. “It isn’t a date, Felix. For one thing, most people don’t insult their date.” He thought so, anyway. “For another, if you’re going to march into my home and call this disaster of an evening a date, it would be better if you didn’t explicitly ask me to give you oral sex at the dinner table.”

“Oh, ‘cause that’s such a crime.” Felix’s eyes dropped from his, darting over his body, and he added with a loud sigh, “Goddammit, you’re even hot when you’re angry. I hate you so much.”

“Five minutes ago you liked me.”

“I do. It’s both, okay? Fuck off.” Felix still wasn’t meeting his gaze. It looked like he was blushing again, and Locus almost hated how his anger was abating. There was a heavy moment of silence between them, wherein Locus watched Felix raise a hand to run through his hair. He broke the silence, glancing back up at Locus. “So… Date over? Is that what’s happening now?”

Locus paused, weighing his options. The easiest would be to kick Felix out. Instead, he said “Do what you like,” and turned from Felix. He walked to the living room in the silence that followed, sinking into the couch with a sigh. Tonight was too stressful and he just wanted it to be over. The TV was barely on for two seconds and then Felix was beside him, sitting close enough that their shoulders touched. Locus said nothing, and Felix shifted until their legs were touching as well. At least he was silent. Made it easier to ignore the fact that he was sitting there.

The instant the TV turned on, it was on the news and Locus paused just long enough to catch the story. The same one they had been running - body found, carved up, left in an alleyway. Still no solid leads or suspects. It was all anyone would talk about during classes either. Theories about who the killer was, why they had left the body behind, if there had been pieces carved out like bodies found before. To be frank, it was boring and redundant, and not at all the thing to watch on a date. Even a date that he had just insisted wasn’t a date.

He changed the channel and Felix made a quiet annoyed noise. “I was listening to that,” he said.

Locus glanced at him. Felix’s eyes were shut, leaning against Locus’s shoulder. After a second, Locus shook him off. “You watch the news?” he asked.

Felix opened his eyes again, shrugging as he spoke, eyes refocusing on the television. “Only when the interesting things happen. Like the murders. Been a while and now the guy just leaves a body lying around? It’s sloppy.” He snapped his gaze back to Locus, smirking. “I wanna see if they catch the murderer over this one.”

There really were far too many murders in this city, Locus thought. He had barely heard of this when he chose to go here, just the few homicide cases he had found online. It had sounded nice that a city this size would have so little murders - and then he had gotten here, and Grey had informed him that it was pretty much the opposite. Bodies found every few months, weighted down and thrown in rivers or buried out in the woods or, once, suspended from the rafters of an abandoned house. No one knew if it was the same person (it was suspected to be a pair at the very least) and no one had caught the person responsible.

Somehow, he wasn’t surprised that Felix was interested in this.

“I’m not going to spend my night listening to the same story,” Locus said. “They found nothing. They have nothing.”

Felix shrugged, sighing. He was fidgeting where he sat, leaning back against Locus’s arm. It was silent again, save for the noise of the television - Locus had turned it to a movie, one that wasn’t so stupid that he would hate it. Hopefully that made it something that would keep Felix’s attention and not lead to him talking again. He watched it, or he tried to, but he kept glancing back at Felix.

First it was to see Felix folding his legs on the couch. The braced ankle stuck out over the edge. Then it was Felix, tracing his fingers down Locus’s arm. When Felix caught him looking, all he did was smile. Seconds after that, Felix was resting his head on Locus’s shoulder and he glanced down in surprise before looking back at the TV.

It was about forty minutes into the movie when he realized that Felix had fallen asleep clinging to him, snoring softly. For a few seconds, Locus did nothing but look at the person on his arm, grateful that the anxiety from earlier was gone because otherwise he was sure he would have thrown Felix across the room by now. Which would have been a pity because Felix was easier to deal with when he asleep, Locus found. He had pulled himself loose from the other and left the room quietly, stopping at the door to his room to look back. Felix had fallen to the couch, still fast asleep.

As it was, Felix only woke up when Locus returned with a blanket in his hands. He sat up instantly, failed to stifle a yawn, and then protested. “I’m awake, I’m totally awake.”

“You look like you’re going to fall over,” Locus told him.

It was true. Felix was sitting and still swaying, blinking and frowning up at Locus. At least this time, Locus wasn’t surprised to think it was cute. “You gonna kick me out?” Felix asked quietly. “Make me go home and sleep. Sounds like you. Asshole.”

Locus answered by tossing the blanket over Felix’s head when he was in the middle of a yawn. He sat back down, further away from Felix, propping his feet up on the coffee table. “Go back to sleep,” he said. “You can leave in the morning.” He turned back to the TV, watching Felix instead as he relaxed again, falling onto his side and curling up underneath the blanket. Felix bunched the blanket up in his hands, pulled part of it to his face, and then Locus watched him as he drew in a deep breath. Strange. All he would smell would be laundry detergent.

Eventually, Locus actually focused back on the movie, more out of a need to watch something else besides Felix. But he had lost interest in it entirely, and turned it off before the ending, looking back at the other person snoring on his couch. The busted ankle stuck out under the blanket and Locus rose from the couch to pull the blanket down over it. Felix didn’t move an inch, even when Locus brought a hand to his face to trace over his jaw and his cheekbones. Not when Locus ran his fingers through his hair either.

It was later, after Locus had showered and gotten ready for bed, when he was lounging on the opposite end of the couch from Felix and reading - that was when Felix finally woke again. Even then, it was just because the front door had opened and slammed shut. He shot up, eyes wide and hair tousled, took one look at Grey, and then fell back over.

Grey met Locus’s eyes, a tired grin spreading over her face. She didn’t speak until she stood at the edge of the couch, looking down at Felix. “Date go well then?” she asked.

Locus didn’t look over. He turned a page in his book and only said, “It wasn’t a date.”

Grey’s answer was sprinkled with quiet laughter. “It went well. You exhausted him, the poor thing.”

“I didn’t do anything.” He paused, looking back at Felix then at Grey. “He just fell asleep. If I had sent him home, he would have fallen out the door.”

Grey was smiling, that annoying secretive smile again, as if she knew things about him that not even he did. She only said, “Mm hmm. How long are you going to stay in here?”

Locus raised the book in his hands, nodding toward the lamp beside him. It was the only light in the room, and he trusted her to get the message. Not going to sleep until he was done or until there was a good place to stop, whichever came first.

She nodded, stretching and yawning. “Have a good night. I’m exhausted, gotta be up early for another shift...” And then she vanished into her room. The sounds of her moving around drifted out from under the door for a few minutes, but then the apartment quieted again.

Until Felix pushed himself back up, bleary eyes focused on Locus. “Hey,” he said. “Heeyyy. Locus.” It was obvious he was tired just by how he spoke. Locus looked to him and saw him standing, blanket still clutched in one hand. “Gotta piss. Where’s the bathroom?”

Locus directed him - off the kitchen, close both doors because one was connected to Grey’s room - and then went back to reading. The book was much more interesting than the movie had been, easier to focus on and a lot quieter. He didn’t look up when Felix came back, didn’t see him standing by the coffee table and frowning at the couch. He didn’t look up at all until he felt Felix’s weight drop on him suddenly. A startled glance up from the book and then he was looking down at Felix.

For whatever reason, Felix had climbed right over him, shifting until he was pressed up against Locus and the back of the couch. One of his legs hooked between Locus’s, and for a moment neither of them moved. Then Locus asked, “What are you doing?” at the same time that Felix sat up to adjust the blanket around both of them.

“Sleeping,” he answered. His voice was quiet, heavy with exhaustion. He laid back down, head near Locus’s heart, and sighed. “You’re warm. Stay here.” One hand was crawling up Locus’s stomach, sliding over the thin shirt he was wearing. Felix made a small noise, added, “Could take your shirt off.”

He had planned too, when he went to sleep in his own room. “Felix. Get off me.”

Felix said something that sounded like a really pathetic ‘no’, and Locus felt heat rushing to his face. This idiot neighbor was clinging to him again, hand tight on his side, but this time Locus could feel when he shifted. He could feel Felix tight against him, and was sure the other person could feel his heart pounding now. Not anxiety, for once, just an explosion of nerves that died down quickly. He lowered a hand to Felix’s shoulder and said, “You’re leaving in the morning.”

A small noise from Felix that he took to be agreement.

“And I’m not going to stay here the whole night.”

Quietly, Felix said, “Don’t leave.”

Locus pretended he hadn’t heard it at all. He went back to his book, turning pages with one hand to keep the other on Felix. The hand on his side loosened once Felix fell asleep, snoring softly, hardly moving at all. It was odd to have someone else so close, and Locus thought that Felix was lucky he was cute. Otherwise, he would have left. He wouldn’t have dropped the book he was reading to the floor, nor would he have shut off the lamp and laid there in the dark. He would have left, gone back to his room. Instead, Locus shut his eyes slowly, rubbing his thumb along Felix’s shoulder, telling himself it would only be for a minute. He’d wake up in a little while and push Felix away.

He did wake up, and he did push Felix away, but it was just to slide down on the couch, to make things more comfortable for himself. He laid with an arm around Felix, feeling Felix squirming in his grip before stilling again, and fell asleep to the other nuzzling against his chest.


	6. give me one good reason

There was something about waking up in someone’s arms that he wasn’t used to. Mainly the fact that he never slept like this. Hell, the only reason Felix ever woke up next to anyone was because he fucked them. But here he was - fully clothed, listening to two different voices, and surrounded by an overwhelming warmth. It was pretty goddamn confusing. Felix was too tired to comprehend anything beyond the warmth all around him; too tired to even open his eyes. He could sink into the warmth instead of waking up, let it lull him back to sleep. It was a tempting idea.

It could have been hours later when Felix was shoved violently away. The arm wrapped around him was gone, the warmth vanished, and Felix sat up on a couch that he didn’t immediately recognize. It took a few more seconds for things to start to sink in. This was Locus’s apartment. There was Grey standing at the edge of the couch and dressed for work, smiling. And then Locus himself, slamming the door to his bedroom shut. Felix paused, blanket slipping off his shoulders. He yawned, resisting the urge to just lay back down and sleep for the rest of the day. Instead, he looked over at Grey. “What the fuck was that?” He meant Locus pushing him off, slamming doors.

Grey understood that, thankfully. “Oh, he’s late for his classes,” she said, sitting down beside him. “Don’t let it bother you.”

Didn’t bother him at all. Sure, he felt sluggish and was so, so goddamn tired. Maybe he missed the warmth that had enveloped him while he slept, but it wasn’t a problem. He didn’t say anything for a moment, yawning again and feeling like something had died in his throat. He sighed, “Fuck, I need a drink…” Though taking two pills at once did wonders to take all of the stubborn pain away from his ankle, it left him lethargic and with a mouth so dry it was torture. When he slid off the couch, Felix landed on his bad ankle first. Pain lanced through it instantly, and he sat back down with a pathetic whine. “And a painkiller,” he grumbled.

Grey stood again, walking into the kitchen. She said she could handle the drink issue but had no idea where Felix had left his painkillers. She came back with a glass of water, cool to the touch, and watched as Felix pulled a small bag out of his pocket. Two pills were inside, and he took one while she stood there. Then he lounged back on the couch, pulling the discarded blanket around his shoulders again and trying to find a little bit of the warmth he had felt before. It was soft; he ended up wrestling as much of it over himself as he could get.

It was several minutes before Locus left his room again, and in that time Felix had listened to Grey tell a pretty gruesome story about someone who turned up at the ER last night. Motorcycle accident, she said, and she prefaced the entire story with, “Think of it as like a warning. I know you have that bike of yours, would hate to see you in this guy’s condition.”

It wasn’t a pleasant story and Felix wasn’t that upset when Locus marched over to him and pulled him to his feet. “Go home,” Locus said. He started to pull Felix to the front door, not paying any attention to how Felix was limping and struggling to get out of his grip. Nor to how the blanket was still hanging over one of his shoulders. Locus had his bag over one shoulder, jacket on, hair pulled up so neatly that not even a strand was out of place.

Locus followed him out and before the door shut, he heard Grey calling out, “Bye, Felix! Come back soon!”

Felix snorted, at Grey and at the irritated look Locus was giving him. He stood close to Locus, not moving out of the man’s way. The air outside was cool and crisp, an early autumn morning. He paused to pull the blanket on his shoulder, making sure it stayed where it was, before he leaned up to wrap his arms around Locus’s neck. He could say something now, probably should. Teasing Locus about being so antsy would be fun but thinking back on how last night had gone, it wouldn’t be the best choice. He could say anything about the “date” last night - falling asleep in Locus’s arms, waking up there - but the thought of bringing it up didn’t feel right.

In the end, he settled for a kiss instead. Words were overrated.

For a moment, Locus didn’t move and Felix feared that he wasn’t going to. That somehow, something had gone wrong and Locus wasn’t interested anymore - if he ever had been to begin with. Maybe Locus had just been playing with him this whole time and all that mess last night was just an act. But then Locus’s arms wrapped around his waist, pulling him closer. Locus kissed him and Felix sighed. It was soft and slow, just like the ones they had shared last night. He slid his hands into Locus’s hair, tempted to pull it all down.

Like the night before, Felix kissed Locus with an ulterior motive in mind. Before, it was an attempt to wear him down, get something in return. Now it had been to wipe that irritated look off the guy’s face, because Felix felt he had to say or do something after spending the night with Locus. And, just like before, there was an edge to it that he wanted to blame on Locus. Some kind of deep running emotion that resonated in him and he hated it even as he liked it.

Locus ended it, pulling his arms from Felix and leaning back. He reached up to pull Felix’s arms from him as Felix said, “You sure you gotta go to class?”

“Felix.”

“You’re already late.” He frowned as Locus pulled him off, pushed him away. “C’mon, Locus, baby… Wouldn’t you rather spend the day with me?”

“No.” Locus started moving, placing a hand on Felix’s shoulder and turning him around. “I have important things to take care of, and you aren’t one of them.”  

Felix watched him take three steps down before he called out, “Can I get your number then? I mean… the date went well, right?” He smiled when Locus turned back to him, nice and charming and a little goofy looking. “I can send you nice messages while you’re in class.”

Locus shook his head and the smile dropped from Felix’s face. “I don’t think so.”

“Well… I’m keeping your blanket.”

Locus just sighed and kept moving, shooting Felix a quick goodbye over his shoulder as he walked down the stairs. Felix stood there and watched, grabbing at the blanket with both hands and wondering why the hell it bothered him so much to be turned down by Locus. It was strange. He never cared with anyone else - of course, most people would have fucked him by now and he would have moved on. Probably should have moved on from Locus. He sighed, limping back to his apartment and reaching for the door right when it opened.

And then Felix was staring at Wash, leaning heavily on his good foot. Neither of them said anything for a few seconds, neither of them moved, and Felix suddenly realized what Wash must be thinking. He grinned. “Hey.”

Wash’s reaction was about what he expected. A light frown, Wash rolling his eyes as he said, “Spent the night, huh?”

He nodded. The grin took on a smug quality.

Wash nodded slowly. “Yeah… yeah, I’m not surprised by this.”

Felix would have said otherwise.

“So… you, uh… did you and -and him…?”

“Locus fucked me, yeah.” His grin faded to a smirk as Wash shut his mouth and sighed. “What? Are you jealous? Do you wanna fuck our hot neighbor?”

“No. Absolutely not.”

“I could arrange a threesome,” Felix added. “Locus seems pretty into you.”

Wash practically shuddered and Felix bit the inside of his cheek to stop himself from laughing. “Felix.”

“I’m kidding, calm down.” He was laughing now, quiet, under his breath. “You don’t have to fuck anyone. You can watch.”

“I’m leaving now,” Wash deadpanned, pushing past Felix. “See you later.”

He didn’t stop when Felix burst into loud laughter, nor when Felix called for him, insisting he was joking, don’t be so tightly wound. Once Wash disappeared down the stairs, Felix made his way inside, slammed the door shut, and hobbled back to his room. He collapsed on the bed, lying on his back and staring at the ceiling and remembering how it felt to wake up with Locus’s arm tight around him. Eventually he dozed off, curled up in the stolen blanket.

Felix dreamt of Locus, of conquering planets and a boring domestic life. Pleasant dreams that he didn’t remember when he woke again.

✹ ✹ ✹

Locus did not like to miss a class. Everything that had happened with Felix had him waking up at nine-thirty rather than seven, made him almost two hours late for school, and by then he had missed his first class and arrived fifteen minutes late for the second. It was entirely Felix’s fault, he was sure. Felix caused him to fall asleep without his alarms to wake him up, Felix distracted him outside the apartment. Felix had been at the forefront of his thoughts when he sat in his car for nearly seven minutes before even starting the engine - sat there and felt the sensation of Felix’s lips on his, Felix sighing into the kiss.

During class too, he found himself thinking about how warm Felix was during the night. How strange it was to feel another person pressed up against him. And how comfortable it was to sleep there, keeping Felix close.

It was distracting and he hated it. He would be paying attention and then his thoughts drifted back to the annoying neighbor. By the end of his class, Locus had six pages of notes and very vague memories of what was talked about in the discussion. It wasn’t good; he was pretty sure this was the first step to becoming one of those students who came to class and slept or texted the entire time.

Before his third class began, Locus told himself he was going to focus and the day would be back on track. But then his third class (and the fourth) were with Washington, and all that meant was that Locus had another distraction. Wash was a completely different issue than Felix - no lingering sensations, nothing that burrowed into his thoughts and wouldn’t leave - but it was still a distraction. Like all these classes they had together, Locus sat a few seats behind and to the left of Wash, and from there he alternated between taking notes and watching Wash. He was sure that he had memorized everything about the other man by now, every feature and his eyes. Even the focused look to his face during class, the way his gaze wandered when he lost interest.

He lost all interest in Felix as the class wore on, refocusing on his work - and on Washington, who rose from his chair with a stretch at the end of class. Locus packed up his things quickly, hurrying after Wash as he left the classroom.

Wash was texting, barely looked up as Locus stopped beside him. “What is it?” he asked, sighing.

There were a lot of things he could talk to Wash about, like how his day was, what he thought about the classes, maybe something that was actually interesting. A lot of those possibilities never even occurred to Locus, not when Wash was in front of him. Like always, Locus stood in front of Washington and felt nerves flutter in his gut. And, like always, he would default to Washington’s past. He said, “I thought we could talk.”

“Oh, yeah? What about?” Wash slid his phone into his pocket, standing taller. He still didn’t look straight at Locus. “Are you going to pry into my life again? Because that’s always fun.”

“You were going to tell me about where you were stationed.”

“No, I wasn’t.”

Locus frowned. The last time he had spoken to Wash was Friday and he was positive that’s where they had left off. “I remember, Washington. You told me to ask later - “

“I’m not talking about this, Locus,” Wash said. “Not about where I was, or what I did, or what happened.” Locus paused to think - they always talked about Wash’s military experience; it was how they bonded -  and in that brief silence, Wash turned and started to walk away. When Locus followed him, he threw a look back and said, “You don’t have to follow me.”

“We have the same class.” He had explained this before, and yet still Wash refused to understand. “It makes sense to go there together.”

Wash didn’t answer, just started walking faster.

To fill the silence, Locus kept talking. Quietly, moving closer to Wash as he spoke. “Washington. If that information is out of the question, then I have more.”

“Great,” Wash said. “Not like we could just not talk.”

The implication that Washington did not, in fact, want to talk to him was amusing. He started to speak when Wash’s phone went off. And then he stood there, quiet, while Wash talked for a few minutes. People passed by as they stood there. By the time he hung up again, Locus had forgotten what he was originally going to ask because he had started wondering if maybe it was the best thing, if Wash would answer truthfully or lie, whether or not the other man would be angry.

Wash looked at him and said, “Oh, good. You’re still here.”

And then Locus asked him, “Have you ever killed a man, Washington?”

He wasn’t sure what he expected. Certainly not for the look of surprise that Washington turned his way. Nor the way it morphed into one of irritation, of disgust. “You can’t be serious,” Wash said. “You can’t ask someone that.”

“Why not? It’s a yes or no question.” Not that he would mind if Wash went into detail but now didn’t seem like the best time to press that.

“Why not?” Wash repeated. He laughed but it didn’t sound like he was all that amused. “You’re actually serious. God - you’re just…” He paused, shaking his head. They were only a few feet from the classroom and Wash hadn’t moved, and Locus wasn’t going to move until Wash did. After a moment, Wash said, “You wanna ask questions, Locus? Alright. Let’s talk about you.”

It was Locus’s turn to fall silent. He took a slow step back from Wash, hesitate to answer anything about himself. His life wasn’t interesting, but Washington was. Learning about Wash was fascinating.

“Like, we can start with your nice date with Felix last night.”

Locus twitched, tensing. “That wasn’t a date.”

Wash ignored him. “Locus,” he said. “Did you sleep with Felix last night?”

“Well… yes.” Technically speaking, that was what happened. “Why do you ask…?”

“On the first date?”

“It was not - “

“That’s bold, Locus,” Wash said, ignoring him again. “Didn’t know you had it in you.”

Locus wasn’t sure what that was supposed to mean.

Wash said, “Tell me, how does it feel to be just another number to him?”

Locus frowned. “What are you saying?”

“Felix,” Wash started, “likes to sleep around.” He was smiling, and it was a really nice smile - but it contrasted with his words so badly that Locus didn’t like it at all. Locus didn’t like what Wash was saying or the hint of mockery in his voice. “Everyone is just a number to him, a notch in his bedpost. You couldn’t have thought you were actually special. Felix doesn’t like dates. He doesn’t go on dates. He lied.”

There was something along those lines mentioned last night, Locus remembered. Before Felix confessed to liking him. And if the date was a lie, what else was? His frown deepened because this was just not what he wanted to hear.

“But it’s nice you gave in,” Wash continued. “I’m sure you made Felix very happy by fucking him on your fake date.” He patted Locus on the shoulder and turned away. “Maybe he’ll shut up now,” he added.

Locus watched him leave, still frowning. He followed Wash at a distance, brow furrowed, thinking back on the night before. Felix and his confession, all those nice things he had said, the kissing. All of it just seemed fake now, stupid, an obvious trick to get Locus to fuck him - and he knew this. He had told Felix the very same thing last night. He had let Felix snake into his thoughts and hadn’t pushed the person away, and now Washington thought that Locus and Felix had actually slept together. Class started, and Locus spent the class divided between paying attention and quelling anything he had ever felt for that irritating little neighbor of his.

✹ ✹ ✹

For the rest of the week, Felix didn’t have to go to work. The one good thing about a busted ankle was that he couldn’t stand on his feet for eight hours without wanting to actually rip the eyes out of the first annoying customer to approach him. So he figured he would spend a good amount of time sitting on the couch and playing games in his underwear. Or watching TV in his underwear. Or covering up his naked body with a blanket and getting to enjoy being nude in the living room when the other two losers there had no idea.

It was a great plan. The blanket he used was the very one he had taken from Locus’s apartment. He could order all the pizzas and Chinese food he wanted, or order Wash to make him food. Whatever kept him off his feet because, as he enjoyed telling the others, he was so wounded it was impossible to move.

By the third day, he was bored. He sat there for hours, the television blaring, and thought about how Locus was just across from him. Locus would be focusing on his schoolwork, Felix figured. Maybe Locus would let his hair down while he worked, run his hands through it while he stared with so much focus at his work. And then Felix was thinking about how he could be there, coming up behind Locus to slide fingers through his hair and then Locus would twist around and smile, and Felix could kiss him. It’d be so nice and Felix sighed, lying down on the couch and thinking that it was only a few steps across to Locus’s place.

He didn’t leave the apartment, not until Sunday. He had work, only a few hours, and the second he pulled the uniform on, he didn’t want to go. He said to Wash before he left, “Why do I have to work? My ankle still hurts.”

“You can’t skip on work for a month,” Wash answered.

Felix stared at him. “...It’s gonna take a month to heal?”

“Yes.” Wash stared back him, eyebrows raised. “Didn’t you listen to the doctors?”

“No. I was drugged up, you asshole.”

Wash rolled his eyes then, and then refused to take Felix to work. It was raining that day, and Wash being a dick meant Felix had to catch the bus and sit next to some homeless man who smelled like sulfur and eggs. The homeless man offered him a drink from the bottle in his hand - whiskey, maybe - and Felix vowed to kick Wash in the crotch when he got home. The only reason he didn’t is because work pissed him off, his ankle was on fire, and by the time it was over, all he wanted to do was sleep.  

That same day, when he came home, Felix ran into Locus on the stairs. He forgot about sleep entirely then and grinned, but all Locus did was stare at him. He could hear the persistent rain pounding against the building and all he thought was that kissing Locus in the rain would be fantastic. “Hey,” Felix said. “Would have come over but, well… y’know.”

Locus only glanced down to his ankle. Didn’t say anything. Felix was standing two steps below him and it was ridiculous how far up he had to stare, but it was totally worth it. Or it would be if the guy would say something.

It was kind of awkward really. “So, uh… Can I come over? Just for a few hours, maybe.” He shouldn’t have felt so nervous about that, it was such an innocent question. Very tame by his standards.

After a moment, Locus said, “No. You can’t.”

“Oh…” Shouldn’t have been disappointed either. “Busy tonight, are you?”

“Yes.”

“So tomorrow then?”

“No.”

Felix frowned. “Fuck, Locus. Any time good this week?”

Locus said no. Locus pushed Felix out of the way and continued down the stairs. Locus left Felix standing there, staring after him, and feeling the dull pain in his ankle that threatened to be terrible again. He climbed up the steps slowly, dutifully pretending that he hadn’t just been turned down by someone he couldn’t stop thinking about.

It was another three days before he saw Locus again, and then Felix had to follow him down half a flight of stairs. He ended up hanging over the railing and talking down to him. “You wanna stop walking away from me? We have one date and you’re gonna freeze me out?”

Locus stopped. He turned and he looked up at Felix with the most impatient and irritated stare that Felix had seen in a long time. “Make this quick,” he said lowly.

Felix glared. Fucker was ignoring him and being talked to with that tone of voice was still so nice. “Why are you ignoring me?”

“Is that what I’m doing?” Locus asked. “I thought I was pretending you didn’t exist. Though you are making that very difficult.”

For a second, he didn’t know what to say. Just a second. “Are you fucking kidding me? What the fuck are you talking about?” When Locus didn’t answer, he kept going. “Why are you ignoring me? Oh, no, I’m sorry - pretending I don’t exist. The fuck is up with that?”

Locus was glaring at him. “Leave me alone,” he said. “You’re annoying, you’re a liar - “

“How am I a liar?” Felix interrupted. He didn’t get an answer, he didn’t get anything but Locus walking away, ignoring him shouting after him and demanding answers. The silence from Locus was deafening and Felix went back to his apartment with anger boiling in his gut.

Anger that very quickly dulled and left him sitting on the couch hours later, stuffing his face with a tub of double chocolate ice cream and watching romantic comedies. It was a scene that made Wash pause when he walked through the living room. He gave Felix a look that demanded an explanation and all Felix said was, “I think Locus is mad at me.” He was putting another huge spoonful of the ice cream in his mouth when Wash snatched the tub and spoon away. “Hey… That was my comfort food.”

“You’re allergic,” Wash said. “Stop before you’re cramping and complaining all night.”

Felix sat, wrapped up in his blanket, and glared at the TV screen. It looked more like he was pouting more than glaring. He was already cramping but there wasn’t a need to tell Wash that. It’d be fine. “Why would Locus be mad at me?” he said quietly. “Like, what did I do wrong? We had a nice date, I said I liked him.” He threw a glance away from the TV where some flighty girl was getting guys to drool over her, looking to Wash instead. “Help me, Wash. I’m in pain and crippled.”

Wash stared at him.

“Deep emotional pain,” Felix added. “I think… I think I might cry.” He put on some over-emotional expression, one that looked like he was on the verge of tears. The cramping lent a good dose of reality to that look; it made Wash sigh and Felix knew he had won.

Wash sank into the couch beside him after leaving to put the ice cream away. He held out a new container to Felix, one of frozen yogurt. Felix made a face at it before opening it and plunging the spoon in. “Why do you think Locus is mad?” he said slowly.

Felix paused, mouthful of yogurt (goddamn, ice cream was so much better), but then he was recounting the whole thing from the date to the last two encounters. It took a while, since he kept eating and stopping to watch scenes of this absolutely terrible and engaging movie. When he finished, Wash was leaning forward, holding his head up in his hands and not looking at Felix. “Do you think I’m a liar?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“But why? What could I have done to him?”

Wash said, “Well, uh… I may have told Locus that you only wanted to fuck him.”

He froze with the spoon raised to his mouth, looking over at Wash slowly. Sure, it was true - he would love to fuck Locus, like all the time - but to tell the guy that? And - “Only wanted to fuck him?” Felix repeated. _“Only?”_ He had told Locus he was gorgeous, complimented his eyes, said that he liked Locus. And all of that material was wasted now. “What - Why would you?”

God, no wonder Locus called him a liar.

“Said that people were just numbers to you,” Wash added.

Felix made an incoherent noise, something like a strangled curse or a high pitched whine. He tried to get words out and all that came out was, “Wash! Why…?”

“I thought you fucked him,” Wash said. “And Locus, well… He wouldn’t leave me alone, kept asking weird things, it - it was the first thing I thought of!”

Felix stabbed the spoon back into the yogurt, sitting straight and slamming the container onto the coffee table. “You made him hate me ‘cause, what? He was annoying you?” He waited two seconds for a response, and then lunged, grasping at Wash’s collar and shaking him. Just for a second because Wash slapped his hands away. “You’re such a prick, man.”

Wash rose to his feet, taking steps further away from Felix. “Yeah, thanks. Haven’t heard that before.”

He didn’t even look embarrassed or sorry about it - and, actually, now that Felix thought about it, Wash hadn’t even bothered to apologize. Which was totally fucking bullshit. Can’t just ruin all the progress he had made with Locus and not even apologize for it. “If my ankle wasn’t busted, I would kick your ass,” Felix said.

Wash sighed. “Felix - “

“Maybe I’ll kick your ass anyway. Be beat by a cripple.” He rose from the couch, shifting into a fighting stance. The blanket fell to the floor, ready to tangle and twist around his feet when he moved. “Let’s do it, come on.”

Sadly, Wash wasn’t going to do this. He walked away, ignoring Felix entirely. Felix yelled, “Fight me!” just as Wash’s door closed. He stood there with his feet surrounded by his blanket, anger building, stomach cramping. Felix wished that his ankle was better ‘cause several people needed to be beaten for this. But there was also a shitty movie marathon to be watched and yogurt to be eaten, so Felix flopped back down and set to glaring at the screen.

✹ ✹ ✹

For the next month, Felix spent split his time between working (which he hated) and complaining to his roommates (which they hated). No one was spared; anyone that walked through the door was likely to have to listen to him. If they were really unlucky, they’d get Felix following them around the kitchen and the living room until they disappeared into someone’s room or just left.

Or, in the special case of one angry blonde, pick Felix up by his collar and threatened to suplex him through a wall. He didn’t doubt that this lady would do it - someone called Tex didn’t seem like a friendly person. He never did find out what she was doing there, only that Wash didn’t seem thrilled and Tucker asked her where Church was at.

Tex told him, “I don’t want to hear you bitch. No one wants to hear you bitch. Shut the fuck up.”

Felix said, “Ohh, what’re you gonna do?” Which, in retrospect, was kind of a stupid taunt when she was literally holding him several inches off the ground. That was when she had threatened him, and when Wash had come to pull them apart. Maybe Tex murdering his roommate wasn’t a good thing for Wash that day.

The overall theme of Felix’s constant complaining was hooked on three separate things: having to work on a wounded ankle, how little food choices he had, and the biggest one - Wash had ruined his chances with Locus. If no one ever stopped him, Felix could go on about it for hours. It had been weeks since he had talked to Locus, he always said. At least two, leaning toward three, and every day it was so terrible. Living across the street from such a gorgeous man and thanks to Wash, he would never get to fuck him. Not even anymore kisses from him, and as Felix liked to tell everyone, Locus was such a good kisser.

Felix would sit at the table, on the couch, on the kitchen counters. Usually he’d have a drink in one hand, a snack, even a small carton of ice cream. He really did eat too much ice cream for someone who was lactose intolerant but it was so good, especially when he was pissed off.

Near the end of October, Wash brought a hot friend home. And usually that would change Felix’s outlook entirely, but here he sat on the couch with the two of them. Complaining loudly. Wash sat to one side of him, leaning on the arm of the chair and interjecting every so often to make sarcastic comments. To his other side was this hot friend, York, who did not make sarcastic comments. York just leaned forward or back to grin at Wash.

“This fucker,” Felix was saying, “completely derailed all progress I had made. Now Locus won’t even open his door to me so, y’know, not much point in going over there anymore.”

“Which is really a punishment for all of us,” Wash said.

York only grinned.

“Do you know what he told Locus?” Felix said to York. He didn’t wait for an answer, but kept talking. “He told Locus all I want to do is fuck him. Which is true, I guess, but it’s like - “ Like there was more to it. “It’s like you don’t say that to someone. Right?”

“It is kind of messed up,” York said.

“Don’t side with him,” Wash said. “He’s just going to make a bigger deal of this.”

Felix kicked at the coffee table. “You ruined my chances.”

“Yeah, you’ve said that like at least a hundred times by now.” Wash got to his feet, stretching, cracking his back. “Look, Felix. I had things to do with York today.”

“We’re gonna go see that new movie,” York told Felix. “The one about the demon and the hot chick.”

Felix had seen it and it wasn’t worth the time. Cliche action scenes and stereotypical characters. Not enough jokes to make it the romantic drama-comedy it was aiming for. Of course that was like over a month ago, maybe there was a different one out now.

Wash was still talking, saying that he would really rather Felix stop talking about this, do something else with his life. “Isn’t it time for you to move on?” he said. “You usually move through guys so fast that you don’t even remember their names. And this is the one you get caught up on? The creepy guy next door?”

Felix glared at him. “Fuck off, Wash. I’m trying to have a discussion with York.”

“Yeah, Wash,” York added. “You’re doing that thing again, where you talk and it only makes things worse.”

Wash sighed, starting toward his bedroom. “I’m just saying that he should move on already and shut up about this. You’d get annoyed with him too if it’s all you heard for three weeks.” He went into his room, leaving the door open.

There was silence in the living room after he left, just the quiet sounds of the TV. Felix frowned at Wash’s door, at the television, then glanced at York. “So. I’m supposed to move on,” he said.

York nodded slowly.

“Wanna make out?” He smiled when York glanced at him, that charming smile he hadn’t bothered to use in weeks. It was nice that it still worked so well.

It wasn’t too long before Wash came back, and by then Felix was in York’s lap. Felix had his hands on York’s shoulders, eyes half-open. There was a hand on his face, another on his waist, and Felix felt them and the warmth from being this close to York and barely registered it at all. York was a good kisser, he thought, but some part of him was still attached to Locus. Still nagged at him that Locus was better, Locus was warmer and all firm muscles and he kissed Felix in a way that made him melt. Compared to that, York was nothing. 

He still managed to look indignant when Wash called out, “Really!?”

Felix raised his head from York slowly. “Do you have a problem?” he said, sliding his arms around York’s shoulders. Both of York’s hands were on his waist now.

“What are you doing?” Wash demanded.

“Moving on,” Felix said.

“I didn’t mean with York,” Wash said.

York’s hands lifted off of Felix, just to gesture grandly at himself. “Hey. Right here. Kind of insulted.”

Wash shot him a look that clearly meant for him to shut up. “Get off of him, Felix.”

Felix answered by rolling his hips slowly against York. “Mmm. Don’t think so.” There was an edge of disgust to Wash’s stare that Felix found to be very, very satisfying. Move on, sure, he could do that. He could fuck Wash’s hot friend and then talk about how he moved on so much.

Except York had gripped by the hips and lifted him up. “Woah, hey… Did not agree to that.”

Felix rolled his eyes.

Wash said, “But you agreed to make out with him?”

“Well, yeah, I guess,” York said. “Didn’t exactly say it, but… Well, you walked in, you saw it.”

Wash was sputtering some answer, but Felix wasn’t listening. Just that one sentence from York was enough to let him know that this was done with. There was going to be no hardcore sex with the hot guy whose lap he was in, nothing to use to spite Wash and get pleasure from at the same time. So he took his arms from around York’s neck, shoved off him, and stood unsteadily.

York glanced up at him. “What, you leaving?”

Felix didn’t answer. He turned, went back to his room for no reason but to find his phone. The entire room was a disaster, clothes strewn everywhere, his knives out on his desk. He had meant to clean them but never bothered to find the time. Mail was stacked on top of his fridge and the phone was on top of that. It took him only seconds to find who he was looking for, and after a short conversation, they were on their way to get him.

Half an hour, they’d said. He had half an hour to kill before he would be whisked away for a night that was actually satisfying. He spent the entire time getting ready. Tried on three different outfits before he found one that looked good enough and that he wouldn’t mind being ripped off of him later. His ankle was finally good enough that a bandage would do well enough. Which was great because now he could pull on his boots over the ankle and just deal with the limp instead of the embarrassing brace.

When he left, no one else was home. Wash and York had left and Tucker still hadn’t come back. It was weird for the place to be quiet for once, since usually someone was home and had someone over, but it also didn’t matter. Felix was out of the apartment in a minute and didn’t throw even a glance at Locus’s door.

His stomach roiled with a touch of anxiety as he started down the stairs, a reaction he didn’t like and didn’t care to think about - but, goddamn, just the possibility of Locus being there, of the door being opened. Locus could have seen him, they could have spoken. He could have walked to that closed door and pounded on it, demanded for Locus to talk to him. Would have been nice.

It was nice outside, sun still bright despite being low in the sky, and a breeze spilled around the staircase. Felix walked down the stairs as fast as he could, pulling his jacket tighter around himself and dodging other people coming up and down. His ride was there when he reached the parking lot, a fairly good-looking guy leaning against his car. The man could have looked better, sure, but he fucked so well and that’s all Felix cared about right now. He flashed the man a grin as he approached. “Actually on time? That’s new.”

“Hello to you too, babe,” the man said. He reached out to slap Felix’s ass, his own grin forming. “Get in the car.”

“Hands to yourself, sweetie,” Felix said.

As he made his way to the passenger door, the man said, “Nice limp.”

“Fuck you.” He took his eyes off this man to reach for the handle to the car door, and then stopped. A familiar car had just pulled in, shutting off, and Felix was watching. That pit of anxiety was back as he stared across the parking lot to see Locus leaving the vehicle. Locus had seen him, he knew - they looked at one another and Felix had the urge to abandon this guy he had called up. Instead, he looked away from Locus and back to the man he was with. Looked right into the guy’s eyes and only thought that they were such a boring shade of brown.

“What’s up with you anyway?” the man asked. Must not have noticed Felix staring so vacantly. “Haven’t been called in weeks.”

“It’s not important.” He paused again, glancing at Locus. That asshole was approaching and he could swear his heart was going to shoot out of his throat. All that happened was Locus passing by at the exact moment he said, “I just need you to fuck me hard enough that I forget some things.”

The man grinned. “I can do that.”

Felix certainly hoped so. If this was a waste of time, this guy was getting deleted off of his hookup list. He threw one glance at Locus before he got into the car, just long enough to catch the intense stare thrown his way.


	7. i'd like it if you stayed

He hadn’t expected to come home at five in the morning, coasting on a high after a night of sex and breaking things. He hadn’t expected to have been lead onto the roof of that man’s apartment building, nor had he expected the weed the guy had pulled from a jacket pocket. The only part of that night Felix had known was going to happen was being fucked. And even then, being laid open on a rooftop - that was new. It was like the entire night had been engineered to surprise him at every moment.

Which had been really nice. Maybe he would come home earlier next time though, because right now he was standing in the kitchen and stuffing his face with pasta that he found in the fridge. His ankle was hurting again, dull little twinges when he put too weight on it; he ignored that. All that mattered was food and the fact that, for once this month, Felix was happy. He pulled himself onto the kitchen counter, looking into the empty, dark living room and remembered how close the stars had seemed on top of that building. He ate, and thought about the buildings rising around the apartment’s roof and the smaller one down below. How he had stood on the very edge of the roof and felt that man’s hand as a reassuring presence on his back. The feeling of being on top of the fucking world.

He ate the entire container of pasta before shuffling back to his room. There, he stripped and rolled into bed. The bandage was still pulled tight around his ankle, re-done after sex by the man that had just brought him to an orgasm so powerful that Felix was content to lie there for an hour afterward. In bed, Felix searched for the blanket he had taken from his neighbor’s apartment. He pulled it close, buried his face in it, and breathed deep. Smelled like himself with the faintest traces of detergent, and that was disappointing for a reason he couldn’t quite place.

If he dreamt, he didn’t remember it. He woke up with the vague sense of something that made his chest ache in a way he almost welcomed. Maybe he would have if his ankle hadn’t been insisting on a painkiller to make it better, or if his mouth wasn’t dry, and if there wasn’t someone shouting in the living room. He had no idea what time it was but it didn’t even matter because sleep still weighed him down. All he wanted to do was sleep, but he shuffled around his room anyway. Had to get his pills from the desk, water from the fridge, and then the next step was a shower. He pulled on the same pants from yesterday, scrambled to find clean clothes, and when he opened his door what he heard was Tucker from the kitchen saying, “One of you asshole owes me more food!”

He was almost sure that the noisy fuck was screaming about the pasta he had devoured last night. This morning. Whichever. He took a long shower, feeling the quiet pain in his ankle fading away. The injury was healing and other than the mornings, the pain was barely there at all. Maybe in a few days he could go without the bandage wrapped around it. Felix stood with his head turned up into the water, eyes closed, and thought that by this time next week, he could go out hunting again. It’d be very soon, a lot quicker than he usually would, but he didn’t care for not even having the choice.

Besides, he had left his remaining meat at Locus’s apartment that night and that bastard had probably eaten all of it by now. The only comforting thing about losing his meat was that Locus liked Felix’s cooking enough to eat all the leftovers. Maybe if he had been over there at any point in the past few weeks, he could have gotten some of it back. It might always be fun to watch someone eat what he cooked, but Felix did want to eat it himself.

But never mind the missing meat, Felix had gotten stuck on Locus again. He was wide awake now and shutting off the shower, thinking about his goddamn asshole neighbor. The fucker’s pretty eyes and his voice - and the fact that he was a total dick and wouldn’t spare Felix even a minute anymore.

When he got back to his room, the time on his phone wasn’t even close to ten. He had been asleep a little over four hours and could already tell that it was to be one of those long, dragging days.

Felix called in sick from work, dressed in loose baggy clothes, and relocated to curl up on the couch. He brought his phone and Locus’s blanket, and didn’t think about why today felt like it was dragging him down. The man from last night texted him while he was watching TV and he ignored it. Another hookup texted soon after, and he ignored that too. The only one he answered was a message from one of Tucker’s friends, a copy-paste message about a Halloween party tomorrow. He already had a costume, something Sister had come over with a few days prior and thrown at him; the question was going to be whether or not he wanted to go.

He said yes.

He always said yes, of course he’ll be there.

The next day, he worked from twelve to five which gave him one hour to come home and get ready and be out the door. Tucker and Sister were still there, waiting for him. They were ready to go, and Felix had to dress to the sound of Tucker saying they were going to be late because of him. By the time they got to the house the party was being held at, he didn’t really want to be there at all.

People were exhausting that day and this house was packed. How the hell Tucker’s friends managed to get so many people was a miracle in its own way. Felix mingled for a bit, he drank, he cracked jokes and grinned and still ended up finding an empty room to sit in with his phone and a bottle of beer. There was a TV in there and Felix really did not see a problem with locking the door, kicking his feet up on the bed, and watching TV while playing games on his phone. The party went on around him and he only emerged when someone started banging on the door.

He opened the door to Grif glaring at him. “What?” Felix said, shoving a pair of cookies in his mouth. Just found the shit lying on the dresser in the room. It was nice that people kept snacks around.

“Get out of my room,” Grif said. Music was pounding through the house and of course this guy barely bothered to raise his voice over it. “And give me my Oreos!”

Felix frowned when Grif snatched the cookies away. He tossed a look behind him at the room then turned back to Grif. “This can’t be your room. It’s way too clean, doesn’t smell like there’s something dead under the bed.”

“Simmons made me clean it,” Grif said. “Get the fuck out.” He shoved a handful of the cookies in his mouth, pushing past Felix. A second later, he shoved Felix out, slamming the door behind him.

It wasn’t that good of a night. The party might have been great but he spent the hour or two trying to find somewhere quiet to be that also came with no drunk idiots groping each other. He left hours before Tucker did, taking the bus home rather than waiting for some asshole to take him back. Leaving early worked out well, since all Felix really wanted was to get home, shed the tight costume, and just relax in his room and watch TV on his laptop. So of course it was something that was interrupted - first by Tucker calling to ask where the hell he had gone, then by a barrage of texts and pictures from Sister. Others messaged him as well: drunk texts, drunk calls, a really lewd photo from a girl whose name he couldn’t remember.

“Too popular for your own good,” he said to himself. “Can’t even take a night off.” He put the phone on silent instead of turning it off, shoved it under his pillows. His laptop was balanced on the nightstand so all he had to do was get comfortable. So much so that he fell asleep with Netflix running.

The next day he worked for six hours, met up with someone for a round of quick sex, and then repeated the same thing the following day. It was like his life was stuck in this shitty routine, and at this point even the sex wasn’t as good as it should have been. There was nothing more disappointing to Felix than falling into a rut like this - and that’s all it was, really. A rut that he blamed on his injury and being so easily exhausted by people in general. Work made his ankle feel weak and stretched his capacity for dealing with people. Standing on his feet for hours left him tired, and dealing with dumbass customers gave him a desperate need of a recharge. Sex helped to relax him, but both the people he’d slept with were so needy afterward. Made for some interesting texts about how selfish and rude he was, how unbelievable a dick move it was that Felix would leave five minutes after sex.

Still - unsatisfying sex. Too many hours at a shitty job for a small paycheck.

He deserved to have a day off soon, and all he did when it finally arrived was sleep until the afternoon and wake up to a call from his number one hookup. Not that it was a very exciting call; all they talked about was if Felix was free tonight or tomorrow, wouldn’t he like to come hang out on rooftops and smoke weed until stress wasn’t even possible.

He didn’t agree to the offer. If it was just the promise of weed and breaking things, maybe he would have. But he knew this guy well enough to understand that that was a bait and that he would end up being fucked somewhere. And, yeah, usually he would have gone for it - there was a reason this guy was the main hookup he had - but it just felt like another part of the routine. So he said no and rolled back over, trying to get back to sleep even though it was edging into late in the day and the blankets were too hot where they had twisted around his legs.

The day off was good, though, after he finally got out of bed. All he did was watch TV and piss off Wash, but it was worth it. It actually made the next day much better. Hell, he actually woke up energized despite hearing Wash yelling at Tucker: “Binders don’t count as shirts! Put clothes on. How many times do I have to tell you?”

Felix cracked his door open just enough to see Tucker standing in shorts and a binder, arguing with Wash. Normal day then. He took his time getting dressed in the hopes of avoiding the firefight between the two of them, pulling on tights, a skirt, and knee-high boots. No reason not to look good if he felt good. The only problem was, once he left his room and ate breakfast, he had no choice but to realize that now he was all dressed up and had nothing to do. He didn’t have work until tomorrow morning and now the entire rest of the day was stretched out in front of him, empty and begging to be destroyed. Pity that he couldn’t think of a single thing to do with it.

There was also the more obvious problem - it was one in the afternoon and neither Wash nor Tucker were in school. Like, by this time, Felix should have had the entire apartment to himself. He paused at the kitchen table, looking at Wash where he sat on the the couch, then at Tucker at the fridge. “Don’t you two losers have school?” he said finally.

That simple question got him two strange looks. Tucker said, “Dude. It’s Saturday.”

Felix paused, brow furrowed. “No,” he said. “Can’t be.”

“You slept most of yesterday,” Wash added. He had already turned his attention back to the television, to the news anchor reporting some bullshit community piece. Neither one of them budged from the issue that no, Felix, today was not Friday.

He had to check his phone and stare at the date multiple times because it just wasn’t sticking. Just sat there at the dining table, frowning at it like the glaring numbers would change if he willed them too. His entire Friday, sapped away because he had slept for so long and hardly left his room. Felix sighed, having no choice but to give up and admit defeat. Time had come out the winner here.

At least that phone call yesterday made more sense now. That guy had called because he expected Felix to be free, like he always was on the weekends. Unless there was a party, of course.

And speaking of parties…

“Better be free tomorrow,” Tucker told him later in the day. They were sitting in the living room once Wash vacated it. Tucker was watching old reruns of a sitcom, eating huge spoonfuls of Felix’s frozen yogurt. “Got a party happening. Already told people you were coming because some dickheads out there actually want you to go.”

Felix made a face. He was looking at this phone while he texted, but that look was absolutely meant for Tucker. Sure, he enjoyed parties, but the one for Halloween had left him so exhausted he wasn't if he wanted another so soon. He sat with one leg over the arm of the chair, the other folded beneath him. Very comfortable, but it made the skirt ride up. “Great. Thanks for the warning.”

“Invite whoever you want,” Tucker added, “if that’ll stop you from complaining.”

“I’ll call everyone in my phone.”

All Tucker had to say to that was, “Close your legs, man. I hate when you wear skirts, goddamn.”

“But my legs look so good,” Felix said. It was true, he had great legs and had yet to meet someone who could say otherwise. He caught the irritated look Tucker shot him and grinned, running a hand down his thigh, sliding under the edge of his skirt. “You know you can touch, Tucker.”

Of course Tucker wasn’t amused by that. He never was. He rolled his eyes, turning his attention back to the TV as he spoke. “I don’t wanna touch you. Might get a virus.”

“Might get the ride of your life,” Felix corrected. “I could make you feel real good.”

“Stop talking.”

Felix laughed quietly, texting out party invites. Even took the time to be extra picky about who to invite, made sure not to send out messages to people he didn’t like or the ones he knew Tucker didn’t care for. And then he caught Tucker’s attention again, smirked, and mimed sucking dick until Tucker’s stare grew into a glare.

“Fuck off,” Tucker said.

“Want me to suck your nonexistent cock?” Felix asked. He’d already succeeded in pissing Tucker off, the underlying anger in that last response.

Tucker turned his attention back to the TV, stirring the spoon through the yogurt. Hmm. Usually he would have something to snap back with. “Why don’t you ever bother the neighbors anymore?”

Felix’s smirk vanished in an instant. Well. That was rude; he would have preferred to have been snapped at. He had been doing so well with not thinking about the stupid hot neighbor and now all of it came rushing back. “Wash ruined my chances,” he said. “I was so close to fucking him too.”

“That’s gotta be awful for you,” Tucker said. “Go fix it and shut the fuck up.”

The idea that fixing the rift between himself and the neighbor would make him stop bothering Tucker was laughable. It was always fun to tease Tucker; Felix figured he was giving the poor fool a sexuality crisis and he was absolutely okay with that. He could stay there longer, taunt Tucker and make him really pissed off, get him to the point where all he said was insults.

He could have, but the idea of actually settling this shit was too appealing. Or maybe appealing wasn’t the right word. Maybe it was just that he had been sitting on it for a fucking month and had become tired of waiting for something to happen. He shifted where he sat until both legs hung over the chair, and then fiddled with the hem of his skirt. Thinking about Locus again was instantaneous; actually getting up out of the chair took a few minutes. As soon as he stood, Tucker said to bring him a drink while he was up. Felix ignored him, taking the moment to remind himself that he was amazing, fantastic, quite possibly the greatest thing to come into that jackasses life. And as such, something as trivial as going to talk to the stubborn asshole of a neighbor shouldn’t make him so nervous.

The fact that he was nervous at all was stupid. He’d had that same thought before, he was sure, but here he stood in front of Locus’s door, feeling the pit of nerves twisting. Goddamn, it was like he had regressed all the way to the beginning.

Not that he had ever been nervous to come to this door. Not once.

But now he had frozen with his hand raised to knock at the door, frowning, wondering why it had taken him so long to even get this far. And why he had stopped now. Felix took a step back, hand falling back to his side. The air was cold out here and he wished that he had thought to pull on a jacket before leaving. He said to himself, “You look great, you’re fantastic.” A pause to take a deep breath. “You can do this.”

He only had to knock twice for the door to open. Barely had enough time to paste some bullshit smile on his face, one that hopefully didn’t look like he was unsure of himself - which he wasn’t, total confidence. Felix looked up at Locus and the nerves in his gut exploded. He said, “Hey.”

Of course Locus was just as hot as ever, hair pulled up loosely, strands falling to either side of his face. His eyes narrowed as he saw Felix, but he said nothing.

“It’s been a few weeks,” Felix continued. “I thought that it might be good if I gave you some time to think.” He was positive Locus’s eyes were trailing over his body and that made him stand a little straighter and gave him the tiniest boost to his ego. He kept his own gaze locked onto Locus’s face. “And, well… Had to wait for my ankle to heal.”

Locus didn’t say anything. He only made some strange, ragged sound in the back of his throat and took a step farther into his apartment. The door swung shut right when Felix moved forward. He frowned at it, and then reached down to the hem of his skirt. He pulled at it lightly, staring down at it, and wondered if Locus didn’t care for his skirt. It’d be really disappointing if that was the case. There were already too many people Felix had to restrict himself to pants for, and Locus was way too great of a thing to be one of them.

Just don’t think about _why_ Locus was so great.

He stood there for a few seconds before letting go of the skirt and running a hand through his hair. Maybe he could go back, switch to a pair of pants and grab a jacket and if that worked then… Well, he’d have to deal with it. If things turned out like he wanted, he wouldn’t be wearing much clothes around Locus anyway.

And if it didn’t work, and if Locus was still a dick, that’d be nice to know. All in all, great plan. Not at all a slight to the confidence he carried himself with nor the good mood he’d been in all day.  He turned to leave then, determined that he was going to finish this, and he was met with the bright eyed stare of Emily Grey. She was standing only a few feet away and a grin blossomed over her face when Felix took a startled step back.

“Hi,” she said. “What are you doing?”

“Leaving,” he said, starting to edge around her. Fuckin’ weird girl, really.

Grey didn’t move beyond turning to follow him. “Ohh-kay. Did you talk to Locus?” she asked.

“Nope. Asshole closed the door in my face.” He managed to reach his door before she spoke again, and felt her watching him the whole time.

Grey said, “Oh, well… Nice skirt.”

At least someone appreciated good fashion. He was about to give the usual bland thanks when she continued. “Been a while since I saw a boy look better than i do in a skirt.” She said it like a joke and all Felix did was sigh and look back at her. She was grinning still, a really nice look. Like she really believed what she was saying.

All Felix could think was that every single fucking time he left the apartment like this, there was someone he had to say this to. “I’m not a boy,” he said, smiling politely.

In her defense, at least she didn’t argue with him. “Sorry… Girl?”

“No.” His smile didn’t waver as he stood there, waiting for the typical response. Some kind of argument, a question about what the fuck he was talking about.

Grey paused, grin fading. But only for a second. It sprang up again with a laugh, and all she said was, “Alright. Got it. I’ll be right back…” She was backing toward her apartment as she spoke. “Stay right here, okay?” There wasn’t even time for Felix to answer because Grey turned around and swung the door open. She was calling for Locus in this gleeful voice that sounded fake as hell, the underlying threat in her words obvious. The door shut softly, cracked just enough that Felix could hear the pair inside talking as he approached.

He paused standing there, leaning close. This close and he still couldn’t make out words through the door. So he raised one hand and pushed it lightly, smiling to himself as the voices cleared up. He heard Grey telling Locus about him - knew it was him, ‘cause she said something about not a boy, not a girl. Wonderful. He always liked being the subject of gossip. No one could blame him for pushing it open far enough to enter, not when he was being talked about like that. It was his right to hear what was being said.

They were in the living room, Grey’s back to the door. Locus was standing by the couch, arms crossed over his chest as he glared down at her. He started to say something that sounded like it was going to be ‘I don’t want Felix in here’, so naturally, Felix put a stop to that bullshit.

He said, “Hey. Am I allowed to come in yet?” and both of them snapped their heads to him. For a moment, neither of them moved but then Grey motioned for him to come in - or maybe it was to come join them since Felix had invited himself in. Locus stared at him and didn’t look away, face contorted in what could only be anger. Felix winked at him and kicked the door shut with one foot. Now that he was in here again and Locus was holding his gaze, he couldn’t bring himself to look away.

Stupid, stupid hot neighbor.

Too bad that that stare Locus was giving him only served to make him tense. He could tell that Locus was just waiting for an excuse to throw him back out, staring down at him like he was nothing but an ill behaved animal. If there wasn’t this weird, overhanging awkward silence, that look would have been hot.

Leave it to him to break that silence. “So… Came over to see if we could fix things between us,” he said, walking toward Locus. “Even though you’re still enough of a dick to slam a door in my face, I’m going to make an effort here.” He stopped at the edge of the living room and glanced at Grey just in time to see her offer a grin before disappearing into her room. She was giving them privacy, how nice of her. A shame, though. An audience might have been good here, would have forced him to act right.

This was going to work, he was sure. He could do anything and talking to this jackass was going to be super easy. Just had to remember to act like he felt something for Locus. Pretend it was all real and paint on some stupid smile, give just enough hints that he was so distressed about Locus being angry with him. Make it so that Locus had no choice but to give in to his charm.

He didn’t let himself think about how badly he wanted to just go over to Locus and kiss the jackass until both of them had no other thoughts on their minds but each other. He wasn’t going to think about how it would feel to be pressed into the sofa by Locus, nor how it might feel for his hands to be pressing against Locus’s bare skin.

Absolutely did not let himself wonder how much of this was actually going to be a lie.

✹ ✹ ✹

Cutting Felix out of his life proved difficult, irritatingly so. The best case for that was that Felix had slipped into his apartment even after Locus had shut the door on him. No matter that the instinct to shut the door had been driven by irrational worry over something that had proved false, the point still stood.

Felix was not supposed to be standing there, smiling at him. He wasn’t supposed to be making an effort to fix things between them, as he had said. His presence here only meant that all that time Locus had spent ignoring Felix and getting his life back on track was pointless now. Because Felix stood in front of him and was simply too much to ignore. There was a determined look in his eyes that overpowered the smile on his face and made it obvious that there wasn’t a way for Locus to avoid this conversation.

But more than that was the way Felix was dressed. The skirt, the boots, and the tights had drawn Locus’s gaze down the instant he had opened that door and he was fighting the urge to do so again. There wasn’t any point to give Felix so much attention - but the skirt, dark blue in color, ended well above the knee and showed off his legs even as it clung to his hips. It was distracting - and that was unnerving.

Felix leaned against the kitchen counter, crossing one foot over the other, and Locus watched. “You’re gonna have to talk to me,” he said.

He was aware that he was glaring, that old defense taking over again. “Get out,” he said. The words came out rougher than he had intended, and the smile on Felix’s face wavered.

“Still mad at me, then?” Felix asked. He didn’t wait for Locus to say anything, but said, “Of course you are. Wouldn’t be slamming doors on me if you weren’t.” The smile faded completely then, left Felix staring at him with irritation.

It would be easy for Locus to agree. To say that yes, he was still angry with Felix, wanted nothing to do with him - it wasn’t too far from the truth either - but then the words caught in his throat. The unbridled anger he had felt toward Felix before was harder to unearth now, dulled by the weeks that had passed without seeing the other person.

Even if he had found the anger, it wouldn’t have been true. There was an entirely different reason he had for closing the door on Felix. He had seen Felix standing there and it wasn’t anger that took over, but deep rooted anxiety that came roaring to the front of his mind. Anxiety over something stupid, over a fleeting idea that had turned out to be entirely wrong.

Felix took Locus’s silence as an answer. “You know I didn’t do anything,” he said. “We were doing good… C’mon, Locus. Talk to me.” He moved toward Locus, slowly, just a couple of steps.

Locus moved back as Felix approached. “Get out of my apartment,” he repeated. “I shouldn’t have to tell you again.”

“I just want to talk to you,” Felix said. The irritation in his voice was obvious now as his own glare grew. “Why do you have to be such a dick about this?”

He recalled the conversation with Washington weeks ago and the implication that this person only wanted him for sex. And how angry he had been at the thought. It had made sense then that Felix had lied to him, would still make sense if he thought about it.

He said, “You lied to me, Felix,” and watched the flash of anger snap into Felix’s face and fade right out. “I think it’s fair that I don’t want anything to do with you - “

“I never lied to you,” Felix said. “Flirting with someone doesn’t mean all I want is to sleep with them. For god’s sake, you fucking idiot, I wouldn’t have spent so long going after you if all I wanted was sex.”  

That could be true. It was a lot of effort to put forth just for the possibility of sex. But Locus never did like being insulted.

Felix was still talking - of course he was, he never seemed to shut up. “If all I wanted was to fuck someone, I wouldn’t be over here. Got a lot of people who would be willing to take me home for a night, but no… No, I came to you.” He paused, shifting his weight and pulling his gaze from Locus. It looked as if he was actually upset. As if this issue was really bothering him.

Every bone in body told Locus that this was an act. A pretty good act, but an act nonetheless.

“I want to fix things between us,” Felix said, “so that we can spend more time together, maybe. I still like you, so...“

“Are you almost done?” Locus said.

Felix’s eyes snapped back up to him. “You’re not even going to let me talk to you?” he said, tilting his head. He shifted his weight again, dragging one foot across the floor of the living room. Locus followed the motion silently, eyes tracking the brief indent left in the carpet before sliding over Felix’s legs and the hem of his skirt. He had the very sudden, very stupid idea of running his hands over Felix’s thighs and underneath the edge of the skirt; he thought in images, quick flashes, one after the other.

By the time he managed to raise his eyes to meet Felix’s gaze, there was the barest flicker of a smirk on the other’s face before it was replaced with something calmer, more innocent. “Alright,” Felix said. “You don’t want to talk, clearly.”

Locus was glaring again - had he ever stopped? - but he wasn’t about to let this idiot stand there and talk anymore. “Since you’ve finally understood that, then you can leave.”

“Yeah, alright, no need to say it again.” Felix ran a hand through his hair, sighing. “Said what I could with you not adding to the conversation.” He sounded bitter, but the smile on his face was sweet. “Think about what I said. ‘Cause I mean it, and I really don’t want to have to come over here again and repeat it all.”

Locus had already turned from him, leaning down to pick the book he had been reading up off the coffee table. He was no longer in the mood to read it and wouldn’t be for a while thanks to Felix’s sudden intrusion. Then Felix spoke again and he turned back, straightening slowly.

“Gonna have a party tomorrow night,” Felix said. “You should stop by - and I mean that. You can come hang out with me for a while.” He paused, raising his voice to add, “You’re invited too, Grey. I know you’re listening.” Felix turned, heading back to the door. He said nothing else.

Locus watched him go, trailing his gaze over Felix’s back and down to the skirt shifting over his hips as he walked. There were a few seconds of silence after the door closed where Locus stood, book clutched in his hand, frowning. Now that Felix was gone, the only noise in the apartment was his own breathing and the muffled sounds of a television behind Grey’s door.

The only clear thought he had was that he was not going to go to that party.

Behind him, Grey’s door creaked open slowly. Canned laughter of a sitcom poured out, and Locus looked over to see her leaning out. She glanced at the door, then at him, and tilted her head. “You didn’t explain the door thing,” she said. “Why not? That was a perfect chance.”

Instead of answering, Locus sighed. He thought of Felix, the skirt, and slamming the door in his face earlier. The anxiety was still present, dull but very much alive. Talking about that hadn’t even crossed his mind. It didn’t sound like a good idea in hindsight either. He started toward his room in the hopes of finding something else to do, anything that would push the idea of his neighbor away again.

“You’re going to explain that to him,” Grey said from her door. “It’s pretty much inevitable now, so there’s no point in dragging it out.”

“Inevitable?” Locus repeated. He stood within arm’s reach of his door, turned back to face her.

“You and Felix,” she said. “You’re not fooling anyone with that angry act when you’ve spent the past month pining after him.”

“I am not ‘pining’ after anyone.”

Grey smiled, something that instantly put him on edge. That was the look that accompanied her intrusive questions, as well as the particularly gruesome stories from surgery. “So you always kiss your neighbors, and let them come over, and cuddle on the couch? And I guess you haven’t been avoiding him and simultaneously waiting for him to leave his apartment so you could stare at him like the giant creep you are.”

Locus frowned. He rolled his eyes and pushed his door open, shutting it on Grey telling him that it wasn’t healthy to ignore his emotions. Behind the door, he could still make out her voice saying that it was okay to be interested. Just something else to ignore.

He wasn’t interested. Even if he had thought about Felix often over the past month - since they had met, rather. If Locus let his mind wander, it would somehow work back to Felix and the stupid things he had done. Seemingly random phrases would lure him back to Felix, pull him straight from whatever he was doing and leave him irritated when he finally shook the distraction off. While it had been so hard to rid himself of the annoying idiot, it had been a relief when he was able to go about his days without the other.

A relief to leave his apartment alone, to go to school and be able to concentrate, to not have to worry about how to act around Felix.

He still didn’t know how to act, what to say, what to do. But it didn’t matter because he wasn’t interested.

Locus sat on the edge of his bed, book still in one hand, the other held to his head to cover his eyes. All he saw when he closed his eyes was Felix in that skirt. Maybe if he said it to himself enough, he really wouldn’t be interested.

✹ ✹ ✹

The next day started off fine. Hot tea and breakfast while he watched the news. Nice and quiet. He even bothered to open the glass doors beyond the curtains and step onto the balcony to find that the weather was just a bit warmer than it had been lately. This early on a Sunday, the only people leaving were heading to church and Locus watched a couple climb into their car.

He wasn’t sure what he planned to do, but it wouldn’t have mattered anyway. Shortly after waking up, Grey said to him, “We’re going to that party, by the way. The one Felix invited us to.”

Locus shook his head slowly. She was eating a late breakfast and he had dragged schoolbooks into the living room. He had been considering working outside today, for a bit. “I don’t go to parties,” he said.

“Oh, take a Xanax. You’ll be fine.” Her smile then was bright, absurdly so for someone who had been awake all of half an hour.

He didn’t want to go to this party. Not only did he not like parties - the noise and the amount of people were both terrible in their own right - but it was on a Sunday night. He reminded Grey of his early class tomorrow while standing in her doorway and watching her zip up a pair of boots. All she had done was tell him he didn’t have to stay the whole night and remind him to take medication, they were going over in ten minutes.

There was already music beating through the walls of their apartment, a heavy bassline that threatened to give Locus a headache. He had managed to delay leaving for an hour by this point and Grey followed him into his room, watching him. “You need to get out of the apartment,” she said as he took the pill. “If it gets too bad, leave. No one’s going to stop you.”

She was right, but he would rather not go at all.

It was nearly ten when Grey knocked on the neighbor’s door. As it opened, Locus told himself he was going along with this merely to stop her from hassling him. To an outsider, Grey’s encouragement of him to leave the apartment showed how much she cared. To him, it was just a sign that she was tired of the way he had been acting lately and just wanted to shove him at someone else for a while.

The person that answered the door wasn’t Felix, or Wash, or their other roommate, Tucker. Just a girl in a revealing outfit, hair hanging loose. She looked at both of them and said, “Damn, you really are super hot,” to Locus. “I thought Felix was lying, ‘cause he does that a lot, but _wooow._ ”

They hadn’t even stepped into the apartment and Locus already regretted letting Grey convince him to come over here. The music was loud, heavy on the bass, and mixing with the sounds of drunk college students. This girl at the door was still talking, gesturing with her hands; there was a bottle in one, and she used the other one to twist a strand of hair around her fingers. “Name’s Kaikaina, by the way,” she said, cutting herself off mid-sentence. “Guessin’ Felix invited you two, so you can come in.”

She still didn’t move and Locus shot Grey a look that made her walk forward and push the girl aside easily. She made it seem so simple - hand on Kaikaina’s shoulder, turning her around, and talking to her.

Once he was through the door, Locus shut it behind him and looked at the crowd in the apartment with distaste. Everyone was laughing, or shouting, or making out like that couple in the corner of the kitchen. It was disgusting. It didn’t help that the place was a mess. Bottles, cups, and food stood on the counter for anyone to help themselves too, and the trash from all of that just seemed to fall to the ground wherever. There was a trashcan by the counter but apparently none of these people cared to use it.

He moved forward just to avoid being stared at for standing still, and tried not to get too close to anyone. The amount of people filling the apartment wasn’t so many that he had to squeeze through a crowd, but they were so loud and more than one girl gave him a sly smile as he moved passed them. It was uncomfortable enough without those looks or the whispers that followed, so spotting Washington standing with a small group was a beacon. He started to head that way, only to have Grey pushing over to his side. She held a drink in each hand and held one out to him until he took it. He frowned at it, then at her. “I’m not going to stay here,” he said to her, voice pitched to be heard just over the music. “Why would you get me a drink?”

Grey patted his chest, grinning. “Have fun!” she said. “Seriously, don’t stand around and creep people out. It’s weird, and no one likes it, and we have talked about this.” She paused then to take his arm in her hand and pull him away. In the opposite direction of where Wash stood. “Here, I found him for you. Go talk to him, okay? At least try?”

Locus wasn’t sure what she was talking about, not until he followed her gaze to see Felix sitting on the coffee table. His frown deepened, something burning at the sight of this idiot, and he looked to Grey to see that she had gone. Disappeared back from wherever she had come from, leaving him standing in a group of people he didn’t know with an alcoholic drink he hadn’t asked to be given. Anxiety was building just from standing there, slowly, even though he had taken the medication.

Parties were definitely his least favorite way to spend the time. The unfamiliarity of this apartment wasn’t helping as he glanced from group to group and tried to maintain a calm exterior. He considered leaving now; it would be easy to hand the drink off to someone else and leave without saying a word to Felix or Grey or anyone there. He was moving toward Felix despite himself, despite how he stopped someone and handed the drink he held to them.

As he drew nearer, it was easy to see how Felix was leaning toward someone on the couch. There was a drink in one hand of Felix’s hands and he set it on the table without taking his eyes off this man. Whoever this person was, they held no drink and were leering at Felix.

A few feet away, Locus stopped and slid his eyes over Felix. He was wearing another skirt, almost the exact same as the one he had had on yesterday. The boots he wore went higher up on his legs and only served to draw attention to how short the skirt was on him. Whatever it was that had flickered to life upon looking at Felix flared up now as Locus watched Felix lift himself off the coffee table and rest just barely on this person’s knees.

There wasn’t a reason for Locus to be so bothered by this. He barely knew Felix and not even a week ago, he had been angry with him. But something dark was rearing its head and directing all his anger toward this person for touching Felix, for getting Felix’s attention.

Felix ran his hands over his thighs, sliding his fingers under the hem of his skirt, and then that person took Felix’s hands and pressed both to their crotch; Felix grinned in response. Locus was moving forward then, driven by a need to stop this before Felix was sticking his hands in some stranger’s pants. The closer he got, the more obvious the lecherous look was on this person’s face, the way they looked at Felix like he was a prize, like they had won something grand. His hands curled into fists, and he found himself wanting to break this person’s wrists - or any part of them he could get his hands on.

Felix was grinning widely as hands crawled up his stomach. It faded to a smile as the hands landed on his hips and pulled him forward. It was the attention, Locus assumed, the way this person looked at him and touched him - Felix liked the attention, not the stranger.

There was nothing in Felix’s eyes but lust, he could see that.

This was nothing to Felix.

He still wanted to break this person in half. It was the most illogical thing he had felt in a long time and it took a lot of effort not to rip Felix off their lap.

When he stopped by the couch, Felix looked up at him with lust still clouding his eyes. The hands on his hips were wandering, pressing Felix into this stranger’s lap, keeping him there. Felix said, “Ohh, who got you to come?” He raised one hand to Locus and when Locus took it, that clouded look eased back just slightly. Barely at all really. “Hadn’t expected you to actually show up,” he said.

“Hadn’t planned to,” Locus said.

Felix smiled, and the hands on him slid under his shirt. The person called Felix’s name, and when Felix only twisted his hand over Locus’s wrist, they turned their attention to Locus instead. “Yo, man, go the fuck away,” they said.

Both Locus and Felix looked back at them; Locus glared at them and Felix dropped his grip on Locus to move his hands over theirs. “Hey,” Felix said, squeezing where their hands were under his shirt. “Sorry, sweetheart. This is my hot neighbor.” He nodded toward Locus, and ignored the way the guy glanced at Locus and frowned. “Don’t talk to him. You’re here for me.” He pulled their hands from under his shirt, guiding them back to his thighs. When they squeezed tightly, he smiled at them and nodded, then looked right back at Locus. “So. What do you want?” he said.

Locus glared down at the two of them. Felix’s skirt was riding up his thighs, and this stranger was squeezing right under the hem of it. And Felix was acting as if nothing was happening. “Do you always let someone grope you at these things?” he asked.

Felix rolled his eyes. Those hands were sliding up underneath his skirt, the stranger leaning forward. “Only if they’re gonna fuck me,” he said. This person he was sitting on, they were kissing at his neck now, and Felix made a quiet, approving noise.

“Let’s go,” the stranger said. “Bed, Felix, c’mon.” One hand of their hands moved around to Felix’s back, pulling him toward them. At the same time, they tilted their hips slightly up into his.

There was a moment where Locus once again considering leaving. It’d be easy - leave this noisy apartment, leave these people and never see them again, and leave Felix to be touched and kissed by this person. He had this image burned into his mind of this stranger pinning Felix to a mattress, something called up by the sight of Felix turned his attention back to them. Locus watched Felix lay his hands on their shoulders, arching into their touch and sighing, a hand coming up to their head to pull them away from his neck. Locus thought that he wasn’t responsible for reaching out and grabbing Felix just under his arms, he couldn’t be if the irrational jealousy spiking in his gut was clouding his judgement. And it was that angry, white-hot jealousy that had him yanking Felix right off another person’s lap with no warning.

Irrational and ridiculous, but a feeling he gave into easily. Once he had Felix standing in front of him, Locus set his hands on the other’s shoulders, holding tight. When Felix spoke, it sounded like he was laughing. “Uhh, what are you doing? I was a little busy.”

“It’s amazing how much I don’t care about that,” Locus told him. Of course, if he really didn’t care, he wouldn’t be standing there and glaring at this person with enough fire and hatred to burn holes through their head.

They glared back at him, standing as Felix spoke. “What the fuck?” they said. “You can’t take him from me!” They moved their hands as they spoke and Locus’s grip tightened on Felix’s shoulders to stop himself from reaching out and grasping their wrist, bending it back until it snapped.

Felix twisted out of Locus’s grip. “Hey, hey, you need to shut up,” he said, stepping back to them. His hands landed on their arms. “No one’s takin’ me anymore - unless it’s to bed, I’m more than okay with being taken there. By you or that guy over there” -he paused to glance at Locus- “or my hot neighbor here…”

Locus frowned. “I’m not going to sleep with you,” he said. It was drowned out by the noise of the music and the other, much louder partygoers.

Neither of them heard him, and all Felix did was give him another glance, eyebrows raised. When Locus didn’t move, Felix shrugged, turning back to the other person. Their arms slid around his waist, his arms locked around their neck, and then Felix leaned up and kissed them. It turned the anger in him white hot, blurring out the noise of the party, but he still didn’t move. Not until Felix pulled away, hands falling to their hips, walking backward. Felix said, “Come on, sweetheart. I’ll give you a good ride,” and Locus surged forward, grabbing this stranger by their shoulders and pulling them back with as much strength as he could. Their hands fell from Felix, they stumbled, and Locus thought about hitting them.

Thought about it.

He didn’t - several people around them had turned, curious, watching and staring, and in the midst of that jealousy, anxiety was building again. The stranger was glaring at him again, saying he shouldn’t be acting like this, would he like to fight, want to go outside for a little bit? Their voice rose with every word and the more they talked, the more people looked, and the more the anxiety was overpowering the anger. Locus only glared, both emotions fueling it, and before too long they were backing away.

“Man, fuck you,” they said, sliding between two people. “i don’t need this shit just to fuck.”

Locus watched them go and thought that he should have felt something at the sight of them leaving. There wasn’t anything but the fall of his anger and as the anger faded, it gave room for the anxiety to grow. He felt hands landing on his arm and tensed before realizing that it was just Felix. This was why he hated parties; no matter what happened, how he prepared, whether he took the pill or not, the anxiety would end up being too much to fight. And this time, he had done it to himself. He had drawn the attention because of irrational jealousy over an idiot neighbor that was now clinging to his arm and pressing close to his side.

“You should’ve hit that prick,” Felix said, echoing Locus’s previous thoughts. “Would have been great to see.”

Locus pulled his arm away, taking a step away. “I’m not going to hit someone just because you think it would be great,” he said. He could feel the eyes of various people still on him. At least one of them must be judging him for acting so harshly over Felix. It was his first time at one of these parties and he had nearly been overcome by the urge to break someone’s bones, of course these people were judging him for it.

Felix was laughing, the sound quiet under the beat of the music. He pushed Locus back with insistent hands on his chest until he sat down on the couch. “Yeah, but you should’ve,” Felix said. He sat down next to Locus, getting close enough that his hips were pressed against Locus’s thigh; he threw his legs over Locus’s lap, leaning against him and pressing one hand into his chest. “Could put your muscles to use.”

The way Felix was sitting left Locus with no choice but to wrap one arm around the other person, resting it loosely against Felix’s back. He didn’t care to have Felix this close, mostly because it didn’t bother him at all. He was used to scaring people off before they got a chance to be so close to him, but with Felix, it was nice and that was bothersome. Besides, he had no idea what to do with his other hand until Felix reached for his wrist.

“You can touch,” Felix said quietly. He pulled Locus’s hand to rest on his leg, right above his knee and smiled. “I’m glad you came.”

The hand on Locus’s chest was tracing lines over his shirt. Distracting. “I’m going to leave,” he said, trying not to focus on the feeling of his hand on Felix’s skin.

“Aw, really? After getting me all to yourself?” Felix’s hand lifted from Locus as he waved someone over, calling for a drink. He grinned at the girl who brought him one, Locus glared when she smiled at him, and then Felix was popping the cap off. “Thanks for that, by the way,” he said with a grin. “That was not one of my favorite people.”

Locus shifted where he sat, restless and wishing he were anywhere but here. Someone had collapsed into the seat nearby, yelling for the remote, glancing over at him and Felix. He looked away from them quickly. “Why would you let someone touch you like that if you don’t even like them?”

Felix took a swallow of the drink in his hand, reaching up with his free hand to touch his fingers to Locus’s neck. “Sex,” he said. “And I know, I know. You probably still think I’m a sex-crazed demon or something, but can you blame me? Sometimes I just wanna fuck someone.”

He wasn’t going to respond to that. Felix’s hand on his neck was drawing his attention anyway; warm and soft, and when Locus looked at him, Felix was smiling.

“You’re not gonna leave, are you?” Felix asked. His hand was at his jawline now. “You look like you wanna leave.”

He did. All he did was tighten the hand on Felix’s thigh. “I’m going to,” he said.

Felix’s smile widened. “Yeah. Of course you are.” He leaned up to kiss the side of Locus’s face softly.

Leaving would be the best thing for him and he knew that, he had thought that same thing several times already. The anxiety hadn’t gone away yet, was growing in fact. Felix was a distraction, though, dulling the itch to leave, but it was impossible to focus only on him. No matter how hard Locus tried to pay attention only to the warmth of Felix being this close, the feeling of Felix moving in his lap, the sound of him talking - none of it was enough. He heard the music and the voices and now the television like whitenoise growing in volume and Felix’s voice was like a knife through it. In any other situation, Felix’s presence might have been comforting. Maybe in another place, using Felix as a distraction would push the anxiety back and he wouldn’t be torn between so many different things.

He should leave, but Felix was kissing at the corner of his mouth and that alone was telling him to stay.

This entire situation was stupid - letting Grey drag him over here, letting Felix get close, being here. Thinking one Xanax was enough was stupid, and so was the anxiety crawling through his gut and spreading the fear that these people that had no idea who he was cared about what he was doing. Felix’s fingers were twisting in his hair now and Locus reached up to make him stop, fingers freezing around Felix’s wrist when someone’s laughter exploded behind him.

The smile fell from Felix’s face then. “Hey, Locus, baby,” he said. “You alright?”  

He drew Locus’s attention back with those few words and Locus met his gaze and felt something in his chest swell. For a moment, that was all he felt. But then he shook his head, looked away, and that feeling faded quickly. “I don’t want to be here,” he said quietly. And then instantly thought that he shouldn’t have.

Felix was still frowning, hand falling to Locus’s shoulder. He leaned back, and after a moment, slid his legs off of Locus. “Do you want to go somewhere quieter?” he asked.

Locus only nodded, and then Felix grinned. He was on his feet in a second, setting the bottle in his hand on the coffee table and reaching for Locus. He grasped both of Locus hands, pulling him along through the others. Felix walked with a sway, stumbling over his feet when he shoved someone aside. When they reached the short hallway, he let go of one of Locus’s hands to place it on the wall. Locus watched him, brow furrowing, and wondered how much Felix had had to drink tonight. He squeezed the hand in his and watched as Felix turned back to him, that grin still wide.

“You can relax,” Felix said, “ ‘cause no one goes in my room. We’ll be alone. Nice and quiet.” His voice was smooth and confident, like he was trying to be comforting or reassuring.

Locus found himself stuck on the idea of being alone somewhere with Felix. There was something swelling in his chest again even as anxiety twisted in his gut.

But they were already at the door at the end of the hall, and it was too late to stop himself from following Felix through the doorway. The light spilling through from the hall was the only light in the room and Felix let go of him with a low noise. “Okay... Just - Hang on.”

Locus took a few steps forward, stopping once he had a good view of Felix’s dark form maneuver through the room, stumbling as he had in the hall. The thought resurfaced again: How much had Felix had to drink? How much had he had before Locus showed up? It wasn’t a pleasant train of thought, but the way Felix moved could only mean he was intoxicated.

Felix managed to turn the lamp on the bedside table on, illuminating the room with the type of low light achieved by one burned out bulb. Clothes littered the floor, empty plastic bottles were stacked on a fridge, and the desk in the corner was covered with piles of books and papers. “Your room is a disaster,” Locus said. “Do you ever clean?” When he refocused on Felix, it was to watch him sitting on the edge of the bed, pulling one foot up to unlace his boots.

“Got more important things to do,” Felix said. He was laughing under his breath. He didn’t say anything else until both his boots were shed and then all he said was, “Don’t just stand there, come here.” He didn’t move, the smile on his face growing as Locus crossed the space between them and settled onto the bed beside him. Evidently Locus hadn’t sat close enough because Felix was sidling up next to him, pushing insistently into his personal space again.

Locus could still hear the bass beating through the walls. The music was muffled in here but still there, still present, a reminder of what waited for him if Locus left this room. Instead of focusing on it, he looked at Felix, wanting to find something in the other person to distract himself. Like Felix’s touch had in the living room, like his voice had.

He said, “This isn’t what I meant by going somewhere quieter.”

“It’s what I meant though,” Felix said. “Do you want to leave still?”

He looked back at Felix and thought that he should, but he was currently too busy searching Felix’s face for more freckles. They stood out somehow in the low light. “I could stay,” he said, “for a little while.”

Then Felix’s smile grew to a grin, tinged with confidence and just barely strong enough for the dimples in his cheeks to show. One of his hands reached for Locus, hesitating for the briefest second before landing on his face. “Good. Now, we just gotta get you to relax. Ease some tension.” He leaned closer as he spoke, voice dropping to almost a whisper.

Felix kissed him, and Locus sank into it. They kissed slowly, Locus reaching to hold Felix’s waist with one hand. He felt both of Felix’s hands on him as his eyes closed, one on his face, the other on his thigh. This was nice, just the type of distraction from lingering anxiety that he needed. Felix was whining against his lips, quiet and needy. When they separated, Felix’s thumb was rubbing against his skin.

“See?” Felix said. “I can get you relaxed, baby, nice and easy. Just gotta take it slow.”

Locus hoped that wasn’t meant the way he thought. Kissing Felix proved nice enough, and if the other took it sexual then he wasn’t sure he could bring himself to stay. Not tonight. “Felix,” he said softly. “I already said it once. I don’t want - “

“Not sex, shut up,” Felix interrupted. He leaned forward and placed another kiss, short and soft, to Locus’s cheek, then to the corner of his mouth, before Locus tilted his head to kiss him again. Shorter than the first and Felix was still so close when Locus pulled back.

There was a second, a beat where Locus heard his own heart surging in his ears, and then Felix was kissing him again. There was more insistence to Felix’s hands on him, to the way his lips moved, even to the way he was pressing himself closer to Locus. Then Felix’s tongue passed over his lips, and It didn’t take long after for Locus to take Felix by the shoulders and push him back.

Felix made an impatient, annoyed noise as he did. “What?” he said, frowning.

Locus paused to try and find the right words, licking his lips absently - and then sighing. There was a hint of alcohol on his lips, left by Felix he was sure. When he spoke, he said, “How much have you had to drink tonight?” and wasn’t sure why that was what came out.

The frown vanished off Felix’s face and he huffed a short amused laugh. “Really? Worried about me?” he said, leaning close again. “Don’t wanna kiss me if I’m drunk?”

Locus leaned back from him, sighing. Despite how he knew Felix wasn’t serious, maybe even teasing, it was too close to what he was thinking. Wherever this went, he didn’t think he’d be able to stay if Felix was actually drunk. It didn’t seem like he was but -

“Hey, joking,” Felix said quickly. “I was joking. I’m not drunk, it’s okay, I’m fine. Totally in control.” Felix’s hands rested on his shoulders again, and when he paused before speaking, the silence was filled with the ever-present music in the background. Felix was staring at him, biting at his lip. “You said you’d stay,” he said finally. “So you’re gonna. Just stay here, stay with me.” And when Locus didn’t say anything, he added, “You’re, uh… you’re relaxed now, right?”

Only a little bit. It was so easy to dwell on uncomfortable thoughts - like if Felix was lying, if he was just a good actor - and there was this voice in the back of his head telling Locus he should leave now before things got out of control. He only said, “Yes, Felix.”

Felix’s instant smile made his heart rate surge again. This was getting ridiculous for one night. “Yeah,” he said. “I thought so. Knew I could get you calm.”

The fact that they were kissing again right on the tail end of Felix’s words didn’t surprise him. The fact that he was the one who closed the distance between them did. Felix’s hands slid around his neck, sliding up into his hair, and Locus only pressed forward, kissing Felix until he had to stop to breathe. He didn’t realize that Felix was pulling at his hair tie until after they had stopped. When he reached to pull Felix’s hand from his hair, Felix said, “Can’t you let it down?”

He wanted to question that, but he couldn’t find a reason to, so he just tugged it free. The instant his hair fell to his shoulders, Felix’s face lit up in a ridiculous grin, one he tried to stifle by biting harshly on his lip. And since Locus had thought about asking why that was a request, well… Felix’s hand twisting into his hair was enough of an answer. Strange, but an answer. He sat there with both of Felix’s hands in his hair, caught between smiling at the strangeness of this situation and the urge to kiss that foolish look off of Felix’s face.

He did neither.

Felix sighed and a muffled whine escaped where he was still biting on his lip. “It’s so soft,” he said quietly. “How are you this impossibly gorgeous?”

“It’s hair, Felix,” Locus said. He placed his hands on Felix’s legs without thinking about it, feeling the warmth of the skin under his hands as he tightened his grip just slightly.

Felix’s answer was another muffled noise, something closer to a moan and Locus had to laugh at that. Quiet enough that it was nearly silent, but Felix still grinned wider. Those ridiculous dimples of his were back again and Locus let go of his legs to reach up and take Felix’s face in his hands, run his thumbs over Felix’s cheekbones.

“You’re too hot,” Felix said. “With the hair and your stupid pretty eyes.” One of his hands fell to Locus’s chest, pressing down and sliding toward his stomach. “And your muscles. It’s like… it’s like you’re trying to kill me here, seriously.”

“Felix.”

Felix was edging his fingers under the hem of Locus’s shirt now, and he paused to catch Locus’s gaze. “You’re the hottest thing I’ve ever seen,” he said.

Locus said, “Stop talking,” and of course Felix kept speaking. It was easiest to just pull him forward, to kiss him again. Felix sighed as he did, quiet contrast to the hand pulling at his hair and the other slipping under his shirt to brush against his stomach. He was gripping Felix by his jaw now, holding him steady, not wanting to let go even as Felix tugged him forward, shifting. Locus pulled back just enough to take a breath, and then Felix had yanked him back.

He barely even noticed when Felix laid on his back, not until he pulled back and found himself leaning over Felix, one hand planted on the bed by his head. The other was still on Felix, on his neck, fingers resting over his pulse. Felix was panting, face red, lips parted. He smiled, eyes half-open, and Locus felt something burning within him, growing and yearning. There were freckles dotting Felix’s neck, a few on his jaw, and Locus spread his fingers to coast over some of them. Felix licked his lips and said, “Don’t leave.” There was something in his eyes that looked like growing desperation. “Please, god, don’t you fucking leave.”

His hand untwisted from Locus’s hair, running over his neck and down his chest. The other rested flat against his back, and Locus thought again that he needed to leave now. Forget what Felix wanted, it’d be best. He ended up kissing Felix again, drowning the nagging thoughts out with the feeling of Felix’s hands sweeping over his sides and up his back. Felix pulled him down, close, and Locus’s legs slid between Felix’s. They pressed together and he could Felix arching beneath him, heard him gasping against the kiss.

Slowly, Locus lowered his hand to Felix’s leg again, touched lightly. Felix urged him on, a whispered, “Touch me,” against his lips, and then he was squeezing again. Felix was still panting when he pulled back then, the desperate look in his eyes worse than before. Looking at him, Locus thought about ending this now before anything else happened. Felix was soft when his hand held him, the look on his face making him more attractive than ever, and Locus almost decided to give in and stay.

If Felix hadn’t shifted again, legs moving tighter against him, he might have. But Felix moved, he lifted his hips and whatever Locus had been coasting on was shattered. He lifted up from Felix by a few inches, brow furrowing; Felix didn’t even seem to notice. He grinded against Locus’s leg again, hands gripping at Locus’s back as he said his name on a shaky exhale.

Locus dropped both hands from Felix, pushing up and leaning. “Felix - ”

Felix’s hands were on his hips, clinging. “Don’t,” he said. “Please, Locus, don’t - You - you gotta stay, you have to - “

“Let go,” Locus said. He pulled at Felix’s hands at his waist, understanding now the desperation he had seen growing in Felix. “I told you - “

“Please - “ He was practically whimpering as Locus shoved his hands back, writhing on the bed. “We can’t stop here.” This last sentence was accented with another buck of Felix’s hips.

This shouldn’t have been surprising. Of course Felix wanted to have sex, it was what every conversation Locus had with him came back to. It still came as a surprise, a rather nasty one at that if only because Locus wasn’t angry about this turn of events. Not as he had been before, when irritation had forced him to separate from the other. Right now, he looked down at Felix and watched the other person lift himself up on his elbows and thought that he couldn’t do this.

It wasn’t the sex - it’d be so easy to just fall back to Felix and give him what he wanted, spend the whole night pleasing Felix. But Felix had been drinking, enough to leave the lingering taste on Locus’s lips, and Locus forced himself to stop, to stand. Felix’s fell instantly as he stood, shooting up to sit and reach for Locus’s arms.

He refused to sleep with Felix, not tonight. Not when he was like this, intoxicated and so desperate that he’d likely fuck whoever walked through his door.

“What - Are you leaving?” Felix said. “Locus…?”

Locus stopped a couple of steps from the bed and looked back at him. Felix was still laid out on the bed, legs spread, hair a mess and clothes disheveled. The skirt rode up nearly to his waistline, displaying every inch of flesh like one last temptation. He said, “Come on, come back.”

Instead of answering, he headed for the door, listening to Felix call his name again, urgently. The last thing he said before he left the room was, “You should take care of yourself.”


	8. devil's not into details

Before now, Felix would have said the worst he had ever felt in his life was waking up one morning when he was seventeen and feeling like a steamroller had slammed into him and pulled him down a street for hours on end. He had finally beaten that. Took three years, but when he woke up it was like he’d been mauled from the inside out - and he was nauseous and sore, and had really vague memories of the most demeaning fuck of his life at the forefront of his mind.

Fantastic.

Waking up was a slow process. First there was the realization that his alarm was blaring three inches from his face. Then that the blanket curled around his legs was wet and, when he moved to check, a half-full bottle of liquor rolled off his bed. He took enough time to sniff his blanket and then groaned, pushing the blanket away and standing. He had actually fallen asleep with a bottle of alcohol in his bed; his outfit from yesterday was on the floor and he had to stumble around bleary-eyed to find something to pull on. The blanket went into the washer and Felix himself went into the living room to curl up on the couch and watch stupid reality shows.

It took four hours for him to realize that alarm that woke him up was for work. And that he was now over two hours late, and that he was going to be in deep shit when he went in tomorrow.

Maybe he’d be fired and have to struggle to find a job again. That’d be great.

At least someone else was finally home, just in time to see Felix shoving handfuls of cereal in his mouth while standing in the middle of the kitchen. Washington, with his bag still over his shoulders and the keys still in his hands. He glanced at the box of cereal Felix was eating out of and sighed. “Hey,” he said.

Felix grunted an answer.

“Uhm. What are you doing?”

“Makin’ coffee.”

“It’s four,” Wash said. He tossed his keys on the counter just as Felix set the box of cereal down. Felix didn’t answer, opening the fridge and pulling out the milk. “Don’t use real milk,” Wash told him.

Felix’s answer was a glare and maintained eye contact as he popped the lid off the carton and raised it to his lips. He took several huge gulps of it, only lowering the carton when Wash retreated into his room. He poured some of it in his coffee too, because everyone knew that coffee tasted better with real milk instead of creamers or soy milk. And since he had already guaranteed horrible cramps later, he took the entire carton of milk and the box of cereal into the living room, plopped down, and turned on Netflix.

He was halfway through the first romcom he could find when Wash left his room again. He took one look at Felix on the couch and said, “You didn’t take a lactaid, did you?”

Felix shook his head.

“Alright. Give me the milk before you kill yourself.”

“Can’t kill myself on dairy,” Felix said. He kicked at Wash’s hand when he reached for the milk. “Stop fuckin’ with my setup, Wash. Go back in your room.”

“Setup?” Wash repeated. “You’re watching bad movies and eating Tucker’s Cheerios.”

“I also skipped work,” Felix said. “That’s a very important part.”

That, it seemed, was enough to make Wash finally leave him alone. He took the milk away, but after that, he left the apartment entirely and Felix sunk deeper into the couch to watch his movie. It was pretty stupid, but a good distraction, up until the girl went home with some major douchebag that treated her like shit. All that did was remind Felix of his shitty night - well, the cramps too, that made his mood drop fast - but it was mostly the guy he had fucked.

The man that had taken Felix up on his offer of quick sex, and then shoved him facedown into his pillows, fucked him without even saying anything during or after, and disappeared. The man had been gone before Felix had even gotten off the bed. Just left him there to sit, making it a bit obvious that he’d just been used for cheap sex.

To say the least, it wasn’t a fun thing to remember. He watched the rest of the movie lying on his side, feeling his stomach gurgling painfully and trying to ignore it.

The next night, Felix went out hunting. It was a stupid idea because it was way too soon to do this again, but it was appealing. Hunting flushed out the irritation he held - at Locus for leaving, at that random guy for treating him like a cheap whore, at his manager at work for telling him he had “one last chance” - it all just left, flowing out of him like waves as he watched the life fade from someone’s eyes.

✹ ✹ ✹

Locus wasn’t surprised to find Felix waiting for him on Wednesday afternoon. Maybe that it had taken him two days to show up, standing there in front of his apartment. Felix wore a jacket that looked to be too big for him, his arms crossed over his chest. When Locus stopped several feet in front of him, he said, “Let me in. It’s fucking freezing out here.”

It wasn’t even under fifty degrees. “What do you want, Felix?” he said, making no move to open his door.

“Inside.” He was glaring at Locus with tired eyes. “I’m not going to stay long, so you don’t have to worry. Have to be at work in an hour.”

It was obvious that Felix wasn’t going to change his mind about this or leave. Since Locus didn’t feel like arguing to keep him out, he left the door open when he entered and let Felix follow him into the apartment. He dropped his bag on the dining table as the door shut. Rather than face Felix, Locus busied himself at the fridge, looking for something simple to cook. And waited. He had an idea of what this was about; it would be ridiculous if he didn’t.

When Felix didn’t automatically start talking, Locus said, “Would you like a drink?” as casually as he could manage.

Felix’s response was instant: a huff of breath and an irritated noise, followed by - “No. No, I don’t want a drink.”

Locus closed the fridge with a bottle of water in hand. Food could wait until he was alone he thought, glancing at Felix. The other person stood by the door still, running one hand through his already messy hair. “You’re inside,” he said, “like you asked to be. I assume this has a point and you aren’t just wasting my time.”

Felix’s gaze was on the living room but Locus had the feeling he wasn’t really looking at it at all, just staring somewhere to avoid eye contact. “What exactly is your game here?” he asked after a few silent, long seconds.

“My game?”

“Yeah, that’s what I just said.” Felix looked at him for a second before sighing and glancing to the floor, to the walls, anywhere that wasn’t Locus. It was then Locus realized that Felix wasn’t just annoyed but nervous as well. “What the hell is with you? That whole thing at the party, when you left me?”

There it was. Exactly what Locus had known was going to come up. Why it made Felix nervous was what he couldn’t understand. Rather than speak, he took a long drink from the bottle of water, just something to do while he waited for Felix to continue. A sort of distraction, almost, from the gnawing monster of anxiety in his chest.

“Is this part of you teasing me?” Felix said. He caught Locus’s gaze then and added, “And don’t say you aren’t teasing me, ‘cause you are. You’re being a tease, like a goddamn asshole, and - and who just leaves someone lying there?” His voice was rising as he spoke, his gaze intensifying to a glare.

Locus sighed. “Felix - “

“I asked you to stay,” Felix said. A hint of red rose to his face when he said it. “Do you know how rare that is? It’s like a fucking miracle for me - _me_ \- to actually ask someone to stay. What, you couldn’t just say ‘no, Felix, we are not having sex tonight’? Have to leave me lying there like some kind of used up, two-dollar whore?”

He would have thought sleeping with Felix would be more accurate to that comparison. “You were drunk,” he said, bypassing the fact that he had said no to sex at least twice that night. If Felix had conveniently forgotten that, then bringing it up would likely not change a thing and only result in an argument he could have avoided.

“I wasn’t drunk.” He paused, for a second, before tearing his eyes from Locus and starting to pace in front of the door. “Not until after you left - ohh, man, after you left, I got wasted. So drunk I can’t even remember half the night. I fucked some guy after you took off, by the way,” Felix said. “It was fucking awful so thanks, y’know, for leaving me to do that.”

Maybe if he had stayed…

“And now Tucker’s saying I took two other people to my room at the end of the party. Two people. I don’t even remember this, I don’t know who they were, but Tucker and Sis both swear I had sex with them.” He laughed, but it sounded frustrated, angry, and humorless. “I fucked three people because you left me lying there.”

He could have stopped Felix, it wouldn’t have taken that much effort to make Felix calm down again. He could have waited until Felix had fallen asleep before leaving, and then this pacing nervous neighbor wouldn’t be directing all that anger at him.

But Felix’s problems weren’t his problems. He looked from Felix to put the bottle on the counter, reminding himself of that.

Felix was still talking. “I had sex with three different fucking people,” he said again, “but it’s not even about that. I had sex with those people because I’m so fucking stuck on you that I can’t handle one goddamn rejection.”

Locus felt the need to get far from Felix surfacing again. It was starting to sound like Felix was upset and knowing that he caused it was only going to worsen his anxiety. He tried to get Felix’s attention, turning back to him. “Felix, calm down.”

And Felix ran right over his words. “The only one I remember didn’t even fucking talk to me,” he said. The look in his eyes was distant and Locus only caught brief glimpses as Felix paced in a restless path between the kitchen and the dining room. “Just fucked me and left, like I was nothing. Do you how fucked up that is? I don’t get treated like that. Ever. By anyone. But then you come along and I let someone treat me like shit - “

“You’re not thinking clearly about this,” Locus said. He didn’t expect Felix to hear it, and blaming Locus for this was absurd. Despite the anxiety clenching inside him, he knew that it to be true. He had nothing at all to do with Felix sleeping with people that treated him poorly.

And the fact that he was annoyed about that fact was because Felix wouldn’t stop pacing and ranting.

“I don’t like being used,” Felix said, voice flat. “It’s humiliating.” He had stopped pacing now, glaring at Locus’s front door. The silence that fell stretched on until Felix turned his eyes back to Locus. For a second, the only thing Locus could read in that gaze was a silent pleading. For what, he had no idea.

He must want Locus to say something; it was the only thing he could think of in this situation, but what was he supposed to say? Especially with Felix staring at him like that. He couldn’t find the words to say what he was thinking - was he sorry? Should he tell Felix that the anxiety had been too overpowering? That anxiety on top of Felix’s drinking had run him home before he even thought twice about it?

He took too long to say anything and Felix sighed. “Right. Of course you’re not going to say anything.” He smiled and it looked natural and calm. “I’m just a sex-crazed annoying neighbor to you. Why the hell should you give a damn?”

He was gone before Locus had time to counter that, the door slamming shut behind him.

Strangely enough, the only clear thought Locus had was that Felix shouldn’t be driving his motorcycle if his emotions were that erratic.

✹ ✹ ✹

Logically speaking, he had no reason to do this. There was no rational reason for Locus to even bother with this, no reason he could find to stand at the door to his annoying neighbor’s apartment. None except the itch to check on Felix and see whether or not he had managed to calm down. It had been a day, Felix should be fine. This was pointless. And yet, he had come home from his classes, walked up the stairs, and turned instantly to this door rather than his own.

He took solace in the fact that the anxiety wasn’t present as he knocked on the door. That had to be a good sign.

Except then the door was opened by the same girl who had opened it at that party, her shirt low cut and Locus inwardly cursed himself. He had enough time to see the grin blossom over her face before looking away, willing himself not to be painfully awkward for once in his life.

This girl, she said, “Hey there,” in a lilting voice that had Locus two seconds away from leaving. “Nice to see you again. And I do mean that, ‘cause all I have to look at lately is Tucker’s ass and it’s gettin’ kind of boring.”

There was a voice in the apartment that called out, “You know you love it,” and the girl laughed.

Locus sighed. This was nothing, he told himself; just a really annoying, irritating neighbor. Who happened to be female. Easy to handle. He stared over the girl’s head into the apartment, glancing over the man on the couch and settling on the familiar figure lounging in the chair. “I need to see Felix,” he said.

“Felix isn’t home, man, sorry,” the girl said.

Locus glanced down at her, then instantly back to where Felix sat further in the apartment. “I can see him.”

“Oh. Shit.” A brief pause, then the girl whipped around and yelled back, “Hey, Felix! Your plan failed!”

Felix’s head jolted up as soon as his name was called, and Locus watched the other’s gaze land on him.

“Hot neighbor hunk wants to talk to you,” the girl continued. “Get the fuck up.” She waited until Felix stood before she turned back to Locus. She looked at him, reading the expression on his face - the furrow of his brow and the glare building and grinned. “Hey, don’t worry. If Felix is a fucking asshole still, you can always talk to me, ‘cause like I said. Only got Tucker. Boriiiing. Call me - oh! I should totally give you my number, and - “

Felix reached the door then, taking the girl by both shoulders, and pushing her away violently. “Go bother someone else,” he said to her. He turned his attention to Locus slowly, watching her leave with narrowed eyes as he gripped the edge of the door with one hand. For a moment, Locus wondered if he would have to speak first, but then Felix threw a quick look over his shoulder and started talking. “Alright, look, if this is about anything I said yesterday, don’t even start. You should do what I’m doing and forget about it.”

Locus’s glare faded into a frown. “Why did you come to me?” he asked.

“Fuck, Locus, I said don’t start with it,” Felix said. His hand on the door tightened and his next words were quiet. “Look, I was freakin’ out, but shut the fuck up about it, alright? It isn’t important. I’m fine, I’m over it.”

He was certain that was a lie, but he was also certain he shouldn’t press the issue. No matter that he wanted to understand exactly why Felix had freaked out.

Felix said, “Consider yourself forgiven.”

“For what?”

“For leaving me lying on a bed with a boner, you fucking asshole.” He threw a glance over his shoulder again as the two in the living room erupted into laughter suddenly, then looked back at Locus. His next words were spoken in a rush. “I forgive you for leaving when you said you wouldn’t, for not saying a fucking thing when you did, and for getting me so riled up that I fucked so many people. I forgive you. Now don’t bring it up again.”

Locus said, “You can’t blame me for what you did,” and watched Felix roll his eyes. “I had nothing to do with you deciding to sleep with three different people because you were hurt.”

Felix barked another one of those fake, humorless laughs. “You can’t be serious. For future reference, don’t ever tell me I was ‘hurt.’ I’m not a kid.”

The way he had been acting in Locus’s apartment said otherwise, but he didn’t bring that up.

“Go, seriously,” Felix said. The girl was calling him, saying he was missing one hell of a fight. Whatever that meant; a glance at the TV only showed that the other person in there was playing a game. “I’ll talk to you later, okay? Maybe stop by your apartment, I don’t know. It’d be easier if you’d give me your fucking number, but nah. Gotta be an asshole about it.”

He was starting to close the door, and Locus reached out to grab it and keep it open. “Felix. I want you to understand something.“

Felix glared at him, pushing on the door still. “No. Go away. Tell me later.”

“I left because you had been drinking,” Locus said. There was no reason not to say this, since he was already there and Felix was having a difficult time closing the door with Locus’s strength on the other end. “And I refuse to take advantage of you.”

“Are you serious?” Red was rising across Felix’s face as he pushed back against the door. “C’mon, man, you would have been doing me a favor.”

“I will never take advantage of you,” Locus continued. It was easy to ignore the ever-present anxiety when he set his mind to something - and when Felix was becoming more flustered with every word he said. It was interesting to watch Felix’s reactions over something so simple. “It doesn’t matter what happens between us, or what doesn’t happen.”

“Please go away,” Felix said.

“And if you are so bothered by sleeping with people when you don’t remember who they were, I should come by your parties more often,” Locus said. “I could stop you.”

Felix sighed, but said nothing. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, before looking up at Locus and away again quickly. “You can come by if you want,” he said quietly. “But I don’t need you to stop me. Sounds too much like you’d be protecting me, and trust me, I don’t need you for that.”

Locus didn’t answer. He had said all he intended to, and seeing as Felix wanted him to leave there wasn’t a point in standing there. Besides, the cool air was starting to cut through the layers of clothes he was wearing. He released the door, starting to turn when Felix called his name again.

“Do you really care that much if someone else sleeps with me?” Felix asked. When Locus looked back at him, he was smirking. Maybe he was trying to look as casual as he usually did, but the redness in his cheeks ruined that.

“No,” Locus said, “but it seems to bother you quite a bit.” The look on Felix’s face melted away, replaced by vague annoyance. Then the door was slammed shut, leaving Locus to turn and go to his own home.

He wasn’t sure what he had expected then, or ever when Felix was concerned. He almost wanted to call it unpredictability but that didn’t seem right. If almost every encounter with Felix involved terrible flirting and Locus turning the other down, there wasn’t much there to make it anything other than an annoying neighbor with a strange amount of interest in him.

It would be easier to ignore if yesterday hadn’t happened, if Felix wasn’t obviously bothered by what he had done. And if he hadn’t gone to that party in the first place. But it was too late to focus on what he had done or what he could have done different. No matter that the thoughts persisted. Giving in and focusing on that was pointless, a waste of energy and effort, and there was too much to do for him to worry about it.

The most obvious of which were classes, but it went beyond that. Locus kept his apartment clean, something that, if he left it to Grey, would never happen. He’d find himself living in filth and watching things pile up and all Grey would have to say is that she had a system, everything is where it is supposed to be. Besides that, he had bills to handle.

His early mornings started at the gym at least four days of the week and that was where being distracted by someone else was more likely to happen and a problem if it got out of hand. Menial things like shopping for groceries when Grey wasn’t able to, stopping by the pharmacy, making various kinds of appointments.

Perhaps, in general, Locus’s life demanded his attention more than the persistently annoying neighbor did. What little time to relax he had, he would rather spend it reading than dealing with another’s problems. It was what had him sitting at the dining table after his classes on Friday, wishing to find something in the book to distract himself from reality and the increasing amount of stress piling up as the end of the semester approached.

It wasn’t proving to work all that well. He must have read the same paragraph three times and instead of comprehending it and moving on, he ran through the schedule ahead of him. What was due, and when; when his tests would begin, and how long it would take. After his classes ended, then Locus would have to head back to his family for at least a week. All that entailed was stressful family gatherings where one pill wasn’t enough, and the very thought of having to deal with that was making the anxiety boil in his gut where he sat.

When the door opened, Locus was actually grateful for anything to distract him.

Grey shut the door behind her, grinning and somehow looking wide awake despite the long shift she must have been on. She tossed bag on the table - or tried to and missed, the contents falling out of it and to the floor. She looked at it for one second before shrugging. “Hey,” she said, pulling her jacket off and throwing it toward the table without looking. “What’s up?”

Without missing a beat, Locus said, “I think I need to pick up more Xanax.” He eyed Grey’s jacket lying half on the chair next to him and frowned. “Soon.”

Grey was at the stove, pulling lids off the pots there. Locus had cooked dinner not an hour before, enough for the both of them. All she needed to do was heat it up again, and she was firing up the burners as she talked. “Is it that bad? I thought you were doing okay for a while there. You even went to that party, which is, like, a big thing for you, I think. Isn’t it?”

Locus didn’t answer for a while. He sighed, staring at the book he held open on the table. “It’s worse,” he said finally. “Your mess isn’t helping things.” He avoided the issue of the party, not wanting to dwell on Felix anymore. He hadn’t spoken to the idiot neighbor in two days and didn’t care for him to be brought up again so soon.

At the stove, Grey was laughing, a light-hearted genuine sound. “Sorry. You haven’t been in my room lately, have you?”

“No.” He tried not to go into Grey’s room at all, if he could help it. Her room was her space and the state of it wasn’t his problem, even if it was a disaster. “But you’ve been leaving things out here again, and it keeps piling up. I took it back to your room.” And had to leave more piles of clutter in there, because try as he might, it was impossible to put things back without disturbing something else.

“If you put my stuff in my room, then you’ve been in there,” Grey said.

Locus said, “I don’t think three seconds counts as being in your room, Grey,” and she snorted.

“Fine, fine. I try to keep it away from you, y’know. Gets away from me sometimes.” She was throwing open cabinets now, searching for serving utensils and a plate and making more noise than was really necessary. “I’ll clean the mess on the floor. Don’t worry about it.” A pause where she slammed two cabinets closed at once. “Try not to, I guess would be better. Just let me eat first, and then I’ll clean everything up, and then we can reconnect. Like, what have you been up to lately? Done anything fun or interesting, something that you didn’t find in a book?” She paused, looking over at him and grinning. It looked a touch devious and Locus frowned. “Have you seen Felix lately?” she asked.

It must be a new record. Couldn’t even last two days without Felix being brought up again. He ended up not answering, staring down at his book and effectively making Grey turn her attention back to the food. She hoisted herself up on a counter to eat, leaving Locus to stare at the book and try to focus on the words. He had made absolutely no progress when Grey finished eating, nor when she had scooped everything up and thrown in back in her bag. And then she was sitting in front of him.

“So,” she said, “what has Locus been doing lately?”

“Reading,” Locus said.

“I don’t think so. You haven’t turned a page since I got here.”

“Then I’m trying to read and you’re proving a distraction.”

Grey smiled, leaning forward to pull the book away from him. She held his place with one finger and flipped it closed. “I’ve read this one. It’s got a great ending, totally a surprise, you’ll love it.” Then she opened the book again and instead of giving it back to him, laid both hands on it. “That silence meant you’ve seen Felix, right? Or else you would have just said no and avoided any other questions, I’m sure. How’s that going?”

“Give me the book back,” Locus said, “and maybe I’ll tell you.”

After a moment, Grey slid the book back across the table.

“It isn’t going anywhere,” Locus said. “He’s… annoying.” And difficult to understand, irritating, nearly impossible to get rid of.

“But you were with him at the party,” Grey said.

All he had told her about that night was that he had gone somewhere alone with Felix to lessen his anxiety, and that when that didn’t work, he left the party entirely. She hadn’t pressed him on it then, and wasn’t pushing for details now either, but since she had mentioned it, Locus was thinking about it. About Felix lying under him and pleading for him to stay. Which only made him think of what had happened to Felix after he left.

Locus ignored the rush of anxiety and said, “This isn’t any of your business. You shouldn’t be so interested in my life where it doesn’t concern you.”

“As your roommate,” Grey said, “and your friend, I totally have a reason to want you to have more people to talk to. I mean, all you do is stay here, work out, and go to class.” She paused. “And kind of freak out Wash. Seriously, did you do something to him lately? I met him outside on the way up and he kind of did that thing. You know the thing, the one where he sighs and gets this look on his face like he’s going to melt into the sidewalk or injure the next person to look at him wrong.”

He didn’t, having never had the chance to talk to Washington for longer than a few minutes at a time, but he nodded.

“Yeah, well. It happened when I mentioned you, so - “

“I haven’t done anything,” Locus interrupted. “I never do anything to upset Washington.” Today, as well as yesterday, he had tried again to broach the subject of Wash’s past military service, but he had stopped when Wash refused. That couldn’t be a problem, not when Locus was being so patient and respecting the boundaries  Wash put up.

Grey didn’t answer, but she made a quiet noise that sounded like she wanted to before falling quiet. Just as Locus started to turn his attention back to his book, she said, “I really do think you need to get out of the apartment more, but if your anxiety is bad, take it easy. Not saying you shouldn’t try to talk to anyone ‘cause you get really grouchy when you avoid everyone entirely, but seriously. Find a middle ground or something.”

Locus stared at her, eyes narrowing. Get out. Meet people. Don’t stress himself. All of that sounded like contradicting ideas. “Are you finished, Grey?”

She was shifting where she sat now, tapping her fingers on the table. “Yeah, I guess - No. No, there was something I wanted to tell you, but I can’t remember.” She sighed and leaned back in the chair. “I think - Maybe… Oh! Yes! Today, when I was working the ER, there was this really interesting thing that happened and I have to tell you. It’s so good, trust me.”

Locus paused to mark his place in the book, shutting it to turn his full attention to Grey. This was so typical of her that he had been expecting it. And it had been a couple of weeks since something was deemed good enough in Grey’s eyes to warrant his input.

“There was this guy that came in,” Grey started, “and he’d been stabbed. I didn’t see him, one of the nurse’s did, but it was all anyone could talk about at the station and at break and, well, everywhere, ‘cause this man said he’d been stabbed by the serial killer.” She was grinning again, one that lit up her whole face. “They had the cops come in and everything and - “

“Did he give a description?”

“I think so. Val said she - well, Val’s another nurse - “

“I picked up on that.”

“ - not the one who saw him, but another nurse.” She was acting like she hadn’t even heard him speak. “Val said she heard that a cop said that they’re going to bring the guy in to see one of those sketch artists and that they might actually start an investigation. That last part was Val’s opinion, not the cops’, but it’s supposed to be on the news soon, I think.” She paused to take a breath and released it in a groan. “Vanessa’s working on it, but she still won’t tell me anything and there was another murder so recently, why would he do this again?” Another pause. “If it’s a guy - the man at the ER apparently said it was, so.”

Locus waited to be sure she was finished and that her attention was on him before he said anything. “How do you know this man is telling the truth?”

“No one does,” Grey said. “But it’s been over a year since this started and they finally have something solid to go on.”

That was true. Something good for once, other than theories and people spinning tales of who could be behind such a thing. Which, as it so happened, was just the sort of conversation Locus ended up in with Grey then. She said it had to be someone devious, violent but not entirely impulsive; smart enough to know when to give it a break. Someone who would mesh with society almost perfectly to have gone so long without being caught.

Both of them agreed that it had to happen sooner or later. If it was one person, they couldn’t avoid the police for too much longer.

As much as Locus would like to say he never wanted to talk about this serial murderer, it was a subject he found himself on often with Grey. Whenever another body was found, the topic would pick up again and they would talk over the same things over and over until it wore thin. After such a long day of stress - a long week, actually - it was so natural that it was relaxing. Managed to drive all the thoughts that had been plaguing him to the back of his mind for the rest of the night. And when the conversation died down, Grey drifted into the living room and Locus retreated to his own room to find that he could actually concentrate on the book he still held.

✹ ✹ ✹

It took Locus until mid-afternoon the next day to work up the nerve to leave the apartment again. It was for the medication, really, the only reason he had planned on leaving. There was work for him to do at home, and a book to finish on top of that. As an added bonus, spending his day doing either of those things would give him something to focus on, a way to direct his thoughts and hopefully get through at least one day without anxiety trying to rip through him.

The only problem was that he was down to just two pills. He had thought he would have so much more by now, and even remembered receiving this bottle not too long ago. Sure, there had been at least one day where he had taken more than one, but they should have lasted longer.

He took one before calling the pharmacy. No backing out now, the single pill left stared him down from the bottom of the bottle.

Before he could leave, Grey leaned out of her doorway just to ask where he was going. She was still in what she had slept in, the tight curls of her hair loosely tied up and starting to fall; clearly, she had no plans to go anywhere or do anything. The only way to cherish a day free from responsibilities. “Can you pick some things up for me?” she said. “I’ll write it down, hang on.”

And that was how Locus found himself not only picking up Xanax, but crossing the parking lot to the grocery store to pick up coffee for Grey, along with several other items she apparently needed. This time of day on a Saturday, it was strangely quiet. Only a few people outside and not that many in the stores either; a good turn of events, in his opinion.

It was a nice day as well, the weather just beginning to chill enough for it to be obvious that winter was around the corner but still warm enough that a breeze didn’t cut through layers and pierce the skin. He might have found some way to spend more time outdoors if it wasn’t for the noises he caught as he passed by an alley between the buildings.

Those were very distinct noises drifting out to where he stood, and Locus cursed himself for stopping instantly. If people were going to be having sex in alleys in the middle of the day, it would be best to go about his business and return home. It was curiosity that made him look, that was all. Natural curiosity that warranted just a quick glance, as if he needed to see it to know that people were having sex down there.

But then he recognized Felix and stopped.

Felix, being fucked against a wall in an alley, and he looked like he was caught up in the pleasure of it. He was held by a strange man, legs locked around the guy’s waist, suspending him off the ground. This man’s head wasn’t visible, shadows from the buildings falling over the pair of them.

Locus glanced back at the road and then behind him. Nothing but one car far down the road that slowed for a turn as he looked toward it. After a moment, he turned his attention back to Felix, watching from where he stood. Felix was holding onto the man pounding into him, hands clinging to his jacket tightly. He was being fucked quickly, each thrust pushing him into the wall. Felix was making those noises again, gasps and whines that sounded so needy. As Locus stood there, Felix cursed under his breath, pulling at the man. He said something, too quiet for Locus to hear, but his next word was caught on the breeze: “More.”

A second’s pause, and then the other man was pushing into him harder, and a cry rose from Felix. Locus watched his face, the pleased smile over his parted lips, and then he remembered that party a few days ago. He remembered Felix, underneath him and making quiet noises. Felix kissing him, grinding against him. Now, he wondered if this would have been given to him if he had stayed. If he would have been the one to draw those noises from the other.

The man leaned forward and kissed Felix. It was short and an unexpected burning spike of jealousy rocketed through Locus. He caught the sound of the man talking, the words unclear. All Locus could think was that he had said he had no problem with Felix sleeping with anyone. He hadn’t had a reason to care - he still didn’t - but watching this was only serving to make his fists clench over the bags in his hands.

Felix’s reply, a laugh, melted into a moan. The other man was moving faster and when Felix’s noises rose, so did Locus’s jealousy and the sudden anger he held for this stranger. Felix was supposed to be interested in him, he thought. So interested in him that Locus should have been the only person on his radar - the only one that he should make those noises for, the only person that he would become so needy for.

Felix’s face was painted with ecstasy. A look that Locus had never seen before and could just make out from where he stood. He had the sudden bizarre feeling that this wasn’t something that someone else should get to see. No one else should be able to pull all of those pleased noises from Felix. No one else should ever be allowed to see him so beautiful.

It was alarming the second after he thought it. Locus never cared for anyone sexually, not with such a sudden ferocity as he felt then. A car passed by him, and Locus snapped his head toward the road. No matter what he was feeling then, the spike of anxiety broke past all of it. It died down just as fast as it had occurred, but he couldn’t stand here anymore. Shouldn’t have stopped in the first place.

Before he walked away, Locus looked back at Felix, just in time to watch him lean his head back. He caught one more noise from Felix, and then he was moving on, walking away from the sight. Out of the corner of his eye, he could have sworn Felix glanced over.


	9. something so magic about you

There was something calming about being in a place where talking to anyone else there wasn’t expected. Somewhere quiet, where everyone minded their own business and didn’t particularly care to bother one another. Locus just wished sometimes that there was somewhere else like that on campus besides the library. And that he didn’t have to go here so often just to peruse heavy books for his classwork. 

The impending end of the semester was hovering overhead and making it really hard not to stress himself into an anxiety attack in the middle of the library. If that didn’t entirely ruin the calming mood of this place, the hushed whispers from the next row over would. He had his bag over one shoulder, a book in his hands and another laid open on top of that, and all he could do was stand there and stare at the words. The voices behind him were rising in volume until another quieted them, but then he was listening to badly muffled laughter. He turned from the books, closing the second one he held with a sharp noise. The laughter cut off for a second, and then voices rose to take its place. 

One voice cut across the others. “You’re gonna be the only dealer with a Masters.” 

“I’ll get a great job,” a second person said. “Buy a fancy car, nice penthouse apartment…”

And then, a voice so familiar it was painful: “We all know what you’d really use the money for.” 

Felix.

“You’re going to buy me every single thing I ask for.” 

Not even the library freed him from the irritating idiot. Locus sighed, fighting back the urge to roll his eyes at the conversation taking place behind him. He stayed just long enough to grasp three more heavy books that sounded relevant and then headed away from the noise. 

He had been in the library for a while now, having taken over the table furthest from anyone. Not there was too many people in this section of the library, only three people besides himself, but it was always in his best interest to be as far from the others as possible. At the end of the semester, it was more important than ever. More room between him and the others made it easier for him to focus on school and that alone. It was a tactic that had always worked for him and still did. Would have worked perfectly if the load of books he had lifted proved to not be enough information. Two of them were entirely useless and Locus stood to return the pair with a sigh, planning to pick up whatever he needed while he was there.

Planning to. Locus turned down the aisle of books and stopped short, books under one arm. Those noisy idiots from earlier had migrated into this row; two of them, one pressing the other against the bookcases. Felix, his arms around the man’s neck, kissing him seemingly without care to the shelving pressing into his back. 

Locus frowned. Somehow, he had managed to find Felix with another man’s hands on him twice in three days. 

This was already tiresome. 

In the second he stood there silently, Felix had already migrated his hands to the man’s hips, fingers under his beltline. The man was sliding a hand between Felix’s legs and before that could go any further, Locus said the first thing that he thought of - or what had been dominating his mind the second he saw this. He said Felix’s name, lowering his voice and it still came out sounding loud. 

Both of them jolted. Their hands moved to better places; Felix dropped his to his sides, the man placed his on the shelf behind Felix. They both looked at Locus, Felix’s eyes widening an instant, but it was the stranger that spoke first. “Friend of yours?” he asked Felix, gaze still trained on Locus.

“Neighbor,” Felix said, smiling. It took him another second to tear his eyes from Locus to this other man. “Angry. Bit of a nerd. Hot, though.” The other man laughed and a lazy grin spread across Felix’s face. 

Locus took a few steps forward, saying, “Move, Felix.” 

Felix moved, but only when Locus was close enough to brush against him. The other man had taken a step back and to the right, staying out of Locus’s way. He looked between Felix and Locus but said nothing, watching as Felix stayed close and peered at the books in Locus’s hands

“Make that a lot of a nerd,” Felix said. He was still grinning when Locus glanced at him. “What are you doing here, Locus? Hang out in the library often?” 

“Schoolwork,” Locus said. He wasn’t looking at Felix anymore, but dragging his eyes over titles of books to search for something that might work. Anything that would get him away from Felix would be acceptable at this point. “Why are you here? I was under the impression you didn’t attend this school.”

“I don’t attend any school,” Felix said. “Hanging out with my friend Miguel here, helping him out. He’s got some school things to finish up too, and I thought, hey. I’m a great guy, I’ll offer my assistance.“

“I highly doubt you were helping him with his work,” Locus said.

Felix laughed, but didn’t deny it, and the man - Miguel, he spoke again from behind Locus. “Y’know what, Felix, he’s right. We should leave him to his work, and you can come help me with mine. I think I need to pick up more books.” 

Though he couldn’t see this other person, Locus had to only glance at Felix to understand what that meant. Felix wore the same smirk he always had when he turned the conversation over to sex. The idea of Felix having sex with this Miguel in the library at first disgusted him - and then conjured up the memory of Felix in that alleyway, being fucked and so clearly enjoying himself. Locus thought about the noises Felix had made, the look on his face, and a wave of jealousy surged over him. “I don’t think,” he said, turning to face both Felix and the strange man, “that you two should be having sex in a library. Of all places to fuck someone, you choose where you can be found easily? Where you can disturb someone who may find you?”

“Calm down, man,” Felix said with a quiet laugh. 

At the same time, his ‘friend’ said, “No one said anything about sex.”

Locus quieted, jaw clenched, and turned back to the books. The titles of them made no sense now; he was still thinking of the way Felix had looked in that alleyway. Not for the first time, he thought that he should be the one to draw that out of Felix. It was a startling thought no matter how many times it occurred to him. He simply didn’t think this way. 

And now Felix was gripping his arm, leaning close to him, saying something that he didn’t hear. Locus glanced down at how Felix stared up at him through his eyelashes, that ridiculous smirk still on his face. Then Locus ripped his arm away, walking away with Felix at the front of his mind now. 

He heard Felix call out to him as he left: “Seriously? Locus! I just asked you a question.”

Locus made his way back to his table, sinking into the chair. He raised a hand to his head, sighing, gazing down at the books still laid out before him. He had to focus on this, on what he needed to complete for his classes. It was just… difficult. Warding off thoughts of Felix was quickly proving to be impossible, so he usually let those fleeting thoughts come and go without worry; thinking of his neighbor sexually was new, and Locus still didn’t care for it. If he wasn’t wondering what it would be like to have Felix to himself, he was over-analyzing the fact that he was having those thoughts in the first place. A never-ending cycle that could distract him endlessly if he let it.

As he sat there now, gazing down at the open books, the sudden thought that he hadn’t found what he needed pierced through all the others. And right after that was the fact that he was not getting back up. There was no way he was going to go back to that row of books, or any near it. Not today. 

It was fine. With enough effort, Locus was positive he could force himself back into work and that what he had would be good enough for a start. 

He only wished he had factored in the possibility that not ten minutes after he sat down, Felix would be there. Locus watched him drag a chair over, brow furrowed, and considered telling him to leave. But Felix was leaning against the edge of the table, one arm over the back of the chair and the other on the table. He glanced over the books on the table and then at Locus. After a pause, he shifted closer, sitting on the edge of the chair. He was close enough that Locus found himself staring at the freckles over his cheeks - like so many times before. 

“What are you working on?” Felix asked.

He was about to give the longwinded version when Felix reached out and tugged a book over. Locus smacked his hand away, only for Felix to laugh at him. “Don’t touch the books,” he said. 

“I’m not gonna fuck it up,” Felix said. He reached forward again, pulling Locus’s hand away, squeezing it tight. With his other hand, he started flipping pages casually, holding one finger at the page Locus had left it on. Locus twisted his hand in Felix’s until he could squeeze back. “Shit, man,” Felix said, smile growing as he spoke. “This is some complicated book. What the hell are you studying?”

“Law.”

Felix made a face, one full of irritation, and flipped the pages back. “Never cared for law,” he said, pulling his hand from Locus. “What are you gonna do, though? Be a fancy lawyer? Put people in prison for the rest of their lives?”

“Possibly,” he said. “There’s no guarantee a law degree can make you a lawyer, so it’s best to have alternatives - “

“Yeah, gonna stop you there,” Felix said slowly. “I don’t really care. Small talk, babe, c’mon.” He was still smiling, leaning against the table again, eyes trained on Locus. 

Locus looked back at his books, at the laptop sitting further away, closed and waiting to be used. The possibility of getting any work done was quickly diminishing. “What do you want?” he asked.

Felix’s answer was swift and unexpected. “I need a ride home,” he said. When Locus glanced back at him, he grinned. 

“What about your friend Miguel?” 

“He left.” The grin fell back to a casual smile and Felix shrugged. “It’s fine, I mean. I spent the entire weekend with the guy, we need some time alone. Can’t let him get attached.” He said the last part like a joke, but Locus hardly heard it.

“The entire weekend,” he repeated slowly. Carefully. He was thinking again of Felix being fucked in that alleyway, of the man holding him up. 

“Yeah. He picked me up Friday.” 

Locus frowned. The man he had seen today, the one a few days ago - the same person. With Felix. Giving Felix something that Locus wouldn’t. The smile on the man’s face flashed in front of Locus’s eyes and he had to stop his hand from clenching into a fist. Whoever that man was, Locus felt a sudden, alarming hatred for him. 

Felix was watching him, eyebrows raised. “So…? Ride home?” he asked. “You look like you need to get out of here anyway.” 

“I’m fine,” Locus said, voice low. He was currently thinking that, if he had known who that man was, he might have acted rashly. Punched the man in his face, maybe. 

“You sure?”

“Felix.”

“Hmm?”

“Take the bus home.”

Felix blinked, but he didn’t move. He looked at Locus intently before saying, “I’m not riding the bus.” There was a silent moment where all Locus could hear was the typical sounds of the library - footsteps, pages turning in books. Someone coughed.  Then Felix had moved closer, looking at Locus intently. “You look stressed,” he said.

Only if violent jealousy was related to stress. 

“Want me to help you relax?” Felix’s voice had dropped and Locus stared him down. The last time Felix had offered something similar to that was at that party. And though he was sure that kissing Felix again would be a fine distraction from what was plaguing his mind, they were in a library and he refused to let it happen. Felix laid a hand on his thigh and squeezed. “Not hearing a no.”

“Go home,” Locus said. 

“Yeah, sure,” Felix said. “But first… do you want to relax or not?” 

He wanted to say no, to keep telling Felix to leave until he listened. What he said instead was, “What do you mean?”

“Yes or no, Locus.”

There was an entire list of reasons to say no to Felix, but Locus nodded instead. 

Felix offered him a grin and a wink, and then he was under the desk before Locus could stop him, shoving Locus’s legs apart as he did. Locus said his name, quietly, and all Felix did was laugh and say, “Shh, shh. This’ll be good for you, promise.” He spoke without caution, sliding his hands over Locus’s thighs. “Just one more thing - you’re okay with this, right? Gotta say you’re okay.”

Locus hesitated, cast nervous glances at the few people spotting the tables. Not a single one of them looked as if they had even noticed Felix since he sat down, but still, the nagging thought that they knew what was happening bit at him. Felix’s hands were flat on his thighs, warm and waiting, and Locus took a deep breath to calm himself. 

“Okay.” It felt foolish somehow to say it, but Felix responded instantly, hands palming at his crotch.

Of all places for Felix to do this, he had chosen here. He heard people rustling through books at the shelves behind where he sat - more people than just the ones he could see. Felix undid his pants and Locus could swear all the noise was the loudest thing in the library. People could hear it, people would find him sitting there and then discover the person between his legs, the person that was now stroking his cock. Felix hummed to himself then and Locus had this bizarre moment where he wondered what that meant - and then Felix was licking over the length of his cock and Locus forgot to think. 

Felix’s mouth covered the head of his cock slowly, drawing Locus’s attention to that. He felt the piercing in Felix’s tongue on the head of his cock, sliding down the underside; strange, but definitely not a bad thing. Locus stared at the book in front of him and watched the words swim into nonsense. Someone coughed behind him and his heart pounded. Felix was a warm heavy presence between his legs, and still there was a part of his brain screaming about being found out. He shouldn’t have let Felix do this, not in here.

And while he was thinking this, Felix was smoothing his hands over Locus’s thighs, gripping tightly to pull his hips forward. Felix took more of Locus into his mouth and Locus released a shaky breath that he hadn’t even realized he was holding. 

He tried not to focus on how damn good Felix was at this, but it was impossible. His hands clenched into fists over his book, and he fought to not push slowly into Felix’s mouth - fought and lost, and the quiet approving noise from Felix wasn’t lost on him. He ended up with his head in his hands, eyes closed. With the world shut out, he could see that blissful expression that had been on Felix’s face, the one he had spied from the end of that alleyway. That look was burned into his mind, and he thought of it and the noises Felix had made even as he felt Felix’s mouth sliding up and down along his cock.

He felt the orgasm building quickly, and could have made it last longer, but he didn’t. Anything to end this faster that didn’t include forcing Felix away from him (he didn’t want Felix to stop, not really) and causing a scene that would absolutely draw attention to the two of them. 

A moment too late, Locus thought about warning Felix. But he had already cum, lowering his head to the desk and shaking. Between his legs, Felix was shifting, swallowing, then pulling off just to lick over him again. Felix put him away, and Locus lifted his head up just to catch sight of Felix straightening by the desk. “Told you,” Felix said smugly. He laid a hand on Locus’s shoulder, leaning down to kiss him lightly. “It was good, right?” 

“You’re never doing that again,” Locus said. “Not in here.” 

Felix grinned. “Then you should take me to your bed instead.” 

He meant because of the people, of someone finding them - of not being able to grip Felix by his hair and see the look on his face - but none of those words would come to him. There wasn’t much he could find to say, and Felix took his seat again. He watched as Felix pulled his phone out, then looked back to the books. All that jealousy was gone, and for that, Locus was thankful.

For the spike of anxiety and the loss of productivity, less so.

He resigned to not getting any work done. Not with Felix beside him, not after receiving a blowjob in the library. As he reached for his bag with one hand, Felix tugged on his arm. “Hey,” Felix said quietly. “Blowjob warrants a ride, right?”

Locus sighed.

“Also,” Felix continued, “does it warrant your number? Personally I think it does, but if I have to give you fifty more BJs to get it, then I will, you can bet on it.”

“If you’ll stop talking about it,” Locus said, “then fine. You can have my number.” 

The grin that spread over Felix’s face was brilliant. Made his dimples appear again, and what little irritation Locus had felt rising was dulled instantly. He put his number into Felix’s phone - the background of which was a photo of Felix himself, he noted - and then went back to packing. He stacked the books in a pile to take to the desk for checkout, and just as he started to stand, his phone vibrated in his pocket. 

A text that read  _ “Next time warn me before you blow a load a in my mouth _ ” and Locus stared at it blankly before turning his head to Felix.

Felix smiled. “Save my number, babe,” he said, nudging Locus’s arm with his own. “That’s proper etiquette.” 

✹ ✹ ✹

So, maybe getting a phone number wasn’t some monumental achievement, but from a guy as difficult as Locus, it sure as hell felt like one. And if that was true, then getting a ride home from Locus was in the same vein. Small thing, big victory. Even if Locus made him carry all those heavy books to the checkout desk, to the car, then up the stairs at the apartment building - totally worth it. Once Locus opened his door, Felix followed him in and dropped the pile of books on the kitchen table. Then, without looking at Locus, he pulled his jacket off and threw it over a chair. 

Locus said, “What do you think you’re doing?”

Felix stood at the edge of the living room and paused just long enough to look back at Locus. Still standing in the kitchen, Locus appeared to have frozen in the process of pulling his bag from his shoulders. He stared at Felix, and Felix stared back. After another moment Felix nodded. “You’re right. Should probably take my shoes off. They’re pretty dirty, this place is clean. Hate to mess it up.” He knelt down to unlace his boots, hearing Locus sigh.

“How long do you think you’re going to be here?” Locus asked as he stood again. Felix looked at him while he kicked his boots off, shrugging. “Not long enough for you to take your shoes off.”

“Haven’t we moved past this?” Felix said. “We’ve fought, made up - made out, like a lot. I gave you a blowjob…” He watched Locus’s brow furrow and suppressed a grin. “C’mon, Locus, baby. I just want to hang out for a bit.” 

There was a beat before Locus relented and then Felix was lounging on his couch. It was still so nice to sink into the cushions, even if all he had to look at was a dark TV and Locus rummaging around in the kitchen. His bag was propped up next to the books on the table, and Felix had the idea that Locus was planning to cook. And if he was, hopefully it’d be good. 

The doors off either side of the living room were shut, and Felix’s gaze lingered on the one to Grey’s room for a few seconds before flicking to the one on the opposite side of the room. Locus’s room. He wondered, briefly, what it looked like before kicking his feet up on the couch and looking back at Locus. He stood at the stove now, and Felix still asked, “Are you cooking?”

“Yes.” Locus didn’t look at him when he spoke, but reached for a carton out on the counter instead.

“That’s not real milk, is it?” 

Locus paused with the milk carton hovering over a pot and looked at Felix. He said nothing, so Felix explained in excruciating detail that he was allergic, and that if Locus put real milk into whatever he was cooking, Felix would be miserable. Like on the floor, coiled in pain, sobbing hysterically. That kind of miserable.  Locus sighed, placing the milk back in the fridge before saying, “I have never met anyone that reacts that violently to milk. In fact, I have a cousin who is lactose intolerant and he manages it just fine.”

Felix smiled, picking at the edge of the couch cushion with one hand. “I’m different,” he said. If it wasn’t so important that he be at his best around Locus right now then he would have dealt with the stomach pain. 

There wasn’t exactly a great track record for his visits to Locus’s apartment and he was going to change that today. Things were starting to settle between the two of them, dragging past the terrible flirting of the past and the awkward meetings. Felix was more comfortable around Locus - no more spitting out the first thing he thought of and claiming it was on purpose - and though Locus was still always so tense… Well, he had given Felix the go ahead for a blowjob earlier, that was something. Now all Felix needed was a way to relax Locus that didn’t involve making out or blowing him.

He minded neither, but it seemed important to figure something else out anyway. 

He ate at the table, next to Locus and his pile of law books, but only after going on another tirade about being allergic to peanuts. A lot of other nuts too, he made sure to add that. Just in case Locus’s box dinner meal was going to make him have to stab himself. Halfway through dinner, Felix said, “Remind me to teach you how to use an epipen,” without thinking about it. The expression on Locus’s face then was tense, his eyes dark. He didn’t say anything. In a rush, Felix added, “Look, I don’t - I’m not expecting you to have to use it, but y’know… Just best to have people know.” 

Locus said, “Of course.” HIs gaze was on his plate now, hand tight around the fork in his hand. 

Felix frowned. “Why are you always so tense?” he asked. 

The pause before Locus’s answer was so long that Felix was sure he just wasn’t going to answer. When he did, it was slow, careful words, gaze trained on his food - “I’m not the best at dealing with people.”

The fuck did that mean? Lots of people weren’t that great at dealing with others, but Felix was positive he hadn’t seen anyone act like Locus. Instead of asking for a further explanation, all he said was, “And yet you’re studying law.”

“Understanding the legal system is not in any way related to people.” 

“But you’ll have to deal with people if you’re a lawyer.” 

Locus’s gaze snapped back to him. He looked a little irritated now. “I can manage,” he said. “I’ve done perfectly fine my entire life.”

“Could have fooled me,” Felix muttered. Locus fixed him with a cold stare and Felix shoved another forkful of food in his mouth to avoid saying anything else. 

The rest of dinner passed by in silence. Mostly because Locus finished his first, then took the bag and the books back into his room. Felix leaned back in his chair, trying to get a glance through the open door. What little he saw was a desk and Locus standing by it. He stared until Locus started to turn from the desk and then all of his attention was on his food again. Locus closed the door to his room, walking to the curtains on the far wall and pulling them open. 

Felix didn’t pay him much attention, poking the food on his plate with a fork. Sitting here in this apartment and not doing anything felt weird. Like he wasn’t at the point where laying around Locus’s apartment for hours and doing absolutely nothing, not even talking, was acceptable. He said, “So, uh… Where’s Grey?” It was just something to break the silence before it went on too long.

“Out.” 

Felix glanced over where Locus stood - still at the window behind the curtains, back to Felix; made it really easy to drag his eyes over Locus’s body. “Are we gonna be alone for a while then?”

Locus turned to face him then, quiet for a moment. the light from the afternoon sun flooded through the window to light up the whole apartment. It caught Locus in between shadow and the light, and Felix let his gaze wander again. Locus said, “What exactly are you thinking of doing?”

Sounded like it was suspicious. Felix was too busy admiring the stupid hot neighbor to care about that. “Nothing much,” he said. When he snapped his eyes back to Locus’s face, the guy didn’t look too pleased with that answer - though, really, Felix wasn’t sure sure if he had ever seen Locus all that pleased.  If only he had something to say that would change that. It’d be amazing if it would ease the tension too. Out of all the times Felix had invited himself into someone’s apartment, this was without a doubt the most awkward. If he tried hard enough, he could probably hear a clock somewhere ticking out every second he sat here in silence.

In the living room, Locus was sitting on the couch, a book in his hand. Where the book had came from, Felix had no idea. There were no bookshelves out here. Really, though, the only important fact was that if Locus read his boring book then that meant Felix had lost. There was no point to this, to hanging out in Locus’s apartment, if none of the attention was going to be on him. 

At least that was easily solved. 

Felix left his half-eaten meal on the table and joined Locus on the couch, sitting close enough that his legs brushed against Locus. It took him repeatedly nudging Locus’s leg with one foot before Locus turned to him. “You’re not going to read when I’m here, are you?” Felix said.

Locus held his gaze steadily. “You weren’t doing anything, and I wasn’t going to wait for something to happen.” 

Felix raised one hand to Locus’s shoulder, intending to run it all the way up into the guy’s hair, but Locus reached up to knock him away. Felix frowned - for a second, but it was there. A brief flash of irritation, and then Felix had plastered on one of his best smiles. “I know. It’s been pretty boring so far, but you reading isn’t going to fix it.”

“It would be entertaining for me,” Locus said. 

“And what am I supposed to do?”

“Anything.” Locus’s attention was on his book again and he spoke in a detached way that could only mean he wasn’t really listening. 

The thought that he had lost to a book of all things was even worse than the aching silence and Felix turned away from Locus with an annoyed sigh. He sat there, arms crossed over his chest, staring blankly at Locus’s kitchen, before jolting forward to snag the remote off the coffee table. If Locus was going to read, fine; he’d just sit here and watch TV. 

Unfortunately, most things were boring. Felix started out watching cartoons, changed it to sitcoms after ten minutes, changed it back less than five minutes later, and after that he was flicking through channels so quickly that snippets of dialogue mixed together. It was annoying Locus enough that he said, “Will you just watch something?” Felix grinned at him, not even looking at the television as he flashed through channels. Eventually something had to be good. And he was sadly willing to wait hours for it to happen. 

What he ended up stopping on was the news, and that was only because Locus rose suddenly. In the few seconds he took to watch Locus walk slowly back to the kitchen, listening to him mutter under his breath about dirty dishes, the anchorwoman on the screen had captured his attention.

It was about the murderer. The famed killer that plagued the whole damn city. Or, at least, about the police having a lead. Felix straightened as the woman kept talking, leaning forward as he listened intently. He could hear the sound of dishes clacking against one another, but it was background noise. 

It had been a few days since Felix had paid attention to the news - getting high and having a lot of sex tended to distract him, and since that was how he spent his weekend, a few surprises were guaranteed. This story about a stabbing gone wrong, man in the hospital, all of that was old news. It was everything else that he hadn’t heard yet. Blamed on the serial killer. Search under way, suspects lined up. There was footage of cops pushing some poor man into the back of a police car, and Felix had the unsettling feeling that that would be him soon. It was absurd, totally unfounded.

He hadn’t stabbed that man. Hadn’t even pulled out his knives since the last murder. 

For fuck’s sake, the man they arrested was white. 

Still, it was there and it turned his blood to ice. Just the thought of someone shoving him into a police car was enough. 

“They haven’t caught anyone yet.” 

Locus’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts. Felix looked over to find Locus standing by the couch, eyes on the TV. All Felix managed to say was, “What?” 

“The police,” Locus said. He sat down next to Felix, still watching the TV. “It’s been nearly four days and they haven’t caught whoever stabbed that man.” 

“It just showed them - “

“Old footage.” 

Felis didn’t answer. That biting edge of panic had dulled down. Now he only thought of the police arresting someone, charging someone, throwing some guy in prison - all for things he had done. It was actually a nice thought. Who cared if someone’s life was ruined? At least he’d be free. With that in mind, he asked, “Do you still think they’ll find the killer?” 

“There’s always a possibility.” 

A cop out of an answer. Felix huffed another sigh, leaning back against the cushions. “But what do you  _ think? _ ” He waited until Locus gave him an annoyed look before continuing. “Come on, Locus. You can’t just say it’s a possibility. That’s boring.”

“I apologize for boring you,” Locus said. He was starting to sound as annoyed as he looked. 

“Just tell me what you think about our great city’s murders. It’s really not that hard. Everyone has an opinion.”  With his pattern of kills and the news coverage, Felix had yet to meet someone who didn’t have something to say about it. Varied in interest, but, yeah - people liked to talk and gossip. 

Some of them could be pretty fucking rude, in Felix’s opinion. He’d had enough people tell him the murderer was a dumbass or a jackass. Usually came with some variation of heartless, ruthless, cold blooded serial killer; lots of talk about how the killer deserved prison or death, neither of which Felix liked as a option. Of course, talking to anyone about the murders also came with a hell of a lot of insults to his intelligence. He had never known that killing someone once every few months would make him as stupid as everyone seemed to think. 

The point was that Felix got an opinion from anyone he spent a lot of time with. And Locus was included in that. 

Except that the only answer Locus gave was, “Whoever he is, he’s smart, but he won’t be able to evade the police forever.” 

Nothing else. No further explanation, not even when Felix pressed him for more. Which left the two of them sitting there in silence, the news continuing in the background. It was probably only a few seconds of quiet but Felix could feel it threatening to settle back into that awkward impasse he had just leaped over. So he did the only thing that made sense. 

He talked. Mostly to fill the silence, but also with the hope that Locus would latch onto something he said. They could have an actual conversation for once. 

He said, “Smart, huh? See, I think that’s a little bit of an understatement.” Just a few words and he already had Locus’s attention. “This guy has killed enough people that he’s labeled a serial killer. He never leaves anything at the scene, usually not even a body. Anyone that takes the time to move a body from where they killed is thinking ahead. And that is a lot more than just being smart, it’s like - like he’s clever, right?” 

Felix was practically a genius for how much thought he put into his kills, but being humble never hurt anyone.

“And if he’s gotten this far without getting arrested,” Felix continued, “then maybe he won’t. Maybe this guy is smart enough to know when to stop.” He was sure of that. “What if they never find him? What if he quits before anyone finds out who he is?” The idea of becoming some kind of urban legend, an unsolved murder spree under his belt? Yeah, that was definitely appealing. Maybe something to actually put thought behind. 

A glance at the TV showed that they had moved on to the weather - cold, he noticed, all fuckin’ week - which was a pity since Felix was always better news. Even when it wasn’t technically his crime.  And now Locus was looking at Felix with this vaguely amused expression. Asshole. 

Felix said, “Just think of it, man. The great city of Armonia, now with its own string of unsolved murders.” 

After a moment, Locus said, “You’re more interested in this murderer than anyone else I’ve spoken to.”

“Nothing else happens in this city. What am I supposed to be interested in?”

“Sports,” Locus said. “Festivals. Movies. Anything that isn’t a murder spree.”

“Sports are boring. And even if they weren’t, this city’s teams are goddamn terrible. We don’t have festivals, we have fairs and they’re terrible too.” He flashed Locus a grin and added, “That’s like this city’s theme. Terrible.”

Locus sighed and looked away from him, but hey, at least they were talking. Kind of. “If this city is so terrible, why do you live here?’

He said the first thing he thought of, which was not something he would have told someone otherwise. Too much weight behind it. “It was the farthest from my parents.” Then he paused, frowned, and added, “The college, I mean. Got accepted into three of them. This was the best one.” And the next few seconds, Felix spent hoping that Locus wouldn’t charge down the path after that one comment about his parents. 

“You aren’t in school,” Locus said slowly.

“Yeah, no shit.” 

Another quick, vaguely annoyed look from Locus. “Why are you no longer in school?” 

“I quit.” It had only taken one semester of bullshit classes, stupid rules, arguing with his parents, and living in a dorm room with someone he hated for college to be completely unappealing. The dorm was probably the worst. If there was anything his parents could have handled, it was paying for a better place to live. To Locus, he only said, “It wasn’t my thing. I don’t need it anyway. I’m uh - I’m working at a - a tattoo place.” 

“Really?” He didn’t sound convinced, which made Felix huff out an annoyed breath of air. “And what do you do at this job?”

“Artist” Felix said. “Obviously.”

“And you’re how old?”

“Twenty.”

Surely it was believable that a twenty year old college dropout could be a tattoo artist.

Except not, since the next thing Locus said was, “Someone your age shouldn’t be able to get a job that requires as much skill as a tattoo artist would.” 

Well, shit. “Alright, you caught me.” Felix raised his hands in mock defeat, sighing. “I’m an apprentice tattoo artist. Don’t actually get to stab anyone with a needle.” 

Locus bought that one, he was sure. Either that or Locus let that issue drop. For a moment, Felix considered mentioning his tattoo designs, ‘cause that had sounded like an insult. Someone his age wouldn’t have the skill? He could prove that wrong easily. Just have to take off his shirt and brag about the tattoos he had over his shoulders and upper back, maybe some of the better sketches he had. 

Before he could even think about stripping, though, Locus was talking again. About his family.

Locus said, “You mentioned this school being far from your parents. Is that really why you chose to come here?” 

Motherfucker. 

Felix sighed, casting another glance at the TV. He was hoping for something, anything, that he could use to change the subject again. But the news was just strolling along about pointless feel-good stories. He wanted to kick himself for ever mentioning it, and since there was nothing, he took the time to try and find the right thing to say 

Unfortunately, he waited too long. “Why did you come here?” Locus asked. He was staring at Felix intensely, eyes narrowed and brow furrowed. Staring like he could pull answers out just by force of will. “How far are you from your family?” 

Felix stared back at him, frowning. He didn’t say anything, watching as Locus tensed up, slowly, as if the silence itself was winding the guy up. When Locus’s gaze slid off him, he said, “I’m from Oregon. So however far that is, that’s how far I am from my family. Should be even further, but I guess I can’t have everything.” He paused for a moment, before adding, “i’m adopted. Rich white parents. They’re assholes, so I went to the furthest school I got into. Happy? You now know more about me than the guys I live with.” 

The only sounds were the commercials on the TV and distant footsteps running up the stairs. Felix’s stomach was twisted with nerves that had no reason to be there.

Then, quietly, Locus said, “I… understand how difficult families can be.” Every word was quiet and almost hesitant. 

“Oh, do you?” 

Locus glanced back at him, sighing. “I have three siblings and a cousin that lived with my family. It was stressful, to say the least.” 

HIs first instinct was to crack a joke, tease Locus, maybe call him out for bullshit ‘cause there was no way a ‘stressful’ home life was on par with what he went through. He settled for saying, “Oh man, for you and your people issues that must be awful.” 

Locus didn’t say anything, looking away from Felix again. Something about the look in his eyes made Felix think that maybe he could have worded that better. Someone as good with words as he was should be able to get thoughts out clearly. He eased closer to Locus, reaching out and laying a hand on Locus’s shoulder. Locus didn’t move, so Felix ran his hand over to the man’s back, coasting up to his neck. He said, “Alright, stressful home life,” and Locus’s eyes snapped back to him. “If you say it was bad, then it was bad. Quick question, though. What’s it like having siblings?” 

Before he answered, Locus reached up to pull Felix’s hand away. Instead of letting Felix go, he squeezed the other’s hand tight for a second. “Annoying,” was all he said. 

Felix snorted. “Really? That’s it?”

“It’s always noisy,” Locus added. “There’s always something going on, someone needing help with something. So, yes. That’s basically it. Annoying.” 

He was rubbing his thumb along Felix’s hand now, and Felix leaned against him as he spoke. Talking with Locus was nice. Getting to know the stubborn jackass was interesting, but being close to him like this was the best. Maybe he should have taken his shirt off, Felix thought. Then he could worm into Locus’s lap with some plea for warmth and get to have Locus’s hands on his bare skin, bringing him close. A sigh escaped him as he thought about it, the idea of being in the guy’s lap and having hands running down his back. 

Almost missed what Locus said next: “You don’t have siblings, then?” 

Felix shook his head, pushing against Locus’s shoulder as he did. “No,” he said. “Just me. Always wondered what it was like though.” After a moment, he pulled back from Locus, sliding his hand out of Locus’s grip just to place it on Locus’s thigh instead. He squeezed briefly and felt the hint of muscle, and then he was thinking about earlier, about sliding between Locus’s legs in a public place. About taking the man’s cock in his mouth. 

Damn. A whole weekend devoted to fucking around, and Felix was still so turned on by Locus. 

He said, “What about pets?” as a quick effort to distract himself. Giving Locus a blowjob took months; there was no telling how much longer it’d be before he got the guy to fuck him and sitting here drooling over his neighbor was ridiculous 

Not that he would ever lower himself to that point, but whatever. Locus was hot. 

Locus said, “We have hounds. For hunting.” He was looking at Felix with one hell of an intense gaze, small lines in his forehead. And those eyes of his, always so gorgeous and striking, stared into Felix’s. 

“I had a dog once,” Felix said. He broke the stare to look down at his hand on Locus’s thigh; there was heat rising in his cheeks the longer he had held that gaze and he was not going to turn red again. Absolutely not. Slowly, he started to trail his fingers up Locus’s thigh, still talking. “Only had it for a day though. Bulldog. Fat, wrinkly thing.” 

Then Locus reached for his hand, pulling it away, and Felix frowned. “What happened?” Locus said. “To the dog.” 

“Parents took it away.” Felix looked back at Locus, avoiding direct eye contact still. “Turns out, I’m allergic.” 

Locus made a quiet noise, sounded like he wanted to say something, but Felix placed one hand on his thigh again and pushed himself up. He kissed Locus briefly, hardly more than a second, and Locus still just stared at him when he leaned back. 

Felix grinned. “You’re too fucking gorgeous,” he said. “Can’t help myself.” 

“In the middle of a conversation?” Locus said. 

“Didn’t think that would be a problem.” He still sat close, hand still light on Locus’s thigh. He reached for Locus’s face with the other, smiling when Locus took hold of his hand, fingers curling around his wrist. “Look, I like you. I like kissing you. And you gonna tell me not to?” 

“I assumed we were actually going to talk.” 

“Talked enough for now.” 

“Felix…” 

“Don’t you want to kiss me?” Felix was positive he was giving Locus one of his best seductive looks - like, this was one of the things he was really good at - but his heart was pounding. He wanted to blame that stare of Locus’s, that ridiculous intensity the guy had that didn’t seem to be fading. A moment passed, and Locus was still just watching him, so Felix leaned closer again to kiss the side of Locus’s face, up to his cheekbones. He heard the soft noise Locus made somewhere in the back of his throat, and smiled. “Locus, baby,” he said quietly, leaning back an inch. “Aren’t you gonna kiss me?” 

There was tension between them again, he was sure, like he wasn’t just imagining this. Those brief seconds after he spoke were the worst; his chest was tight, the itching thought that Locus wasn’t going to do anything sprang up - but then Locus was kissing him, one hand slipping around to the back of his neck. Felix was smiling when Locus pulled back, his hands flat on Locus’s chest. It was short, but so nice. 

Locus’s fingers were spreading at the base of Felix’s throat. He was so close that Felix could pick out the hint of grey in his eyes that made the rest of it stand out, and really, who the fuck could blame him for leaning in again? Felix kissed Locus like his life depended on it, hard enough to take his breath away - long enough that he was drawing in deep breaths when they parted again. 

This was absolutely the best way to spend his time with Locus. Like, hands down. The man kissed well enough to turn Felix’s growing, desperate hunger into pure electricity. And if this was just from making out with Locus, then Felix was sure that having sex with Locus would be one of the best lays of his life. 

He crawled into Locus’s lap mid-kiss, during one of those moments where they separated briefly. He didn’t think about it; he eased one leg over Locus’s, tightened his grip on Locus until his arms were locked around the man’s neck, and then he was settling into Locus’s lap. There was a hand on his waist then, holding tight as Felix pressed their hips together. 

He might not have thought about it, but it was the greatest decision. Being in Locus’s lap was fantastic, meant he wouldn’t be left abandoned like the last time they had made out. Never mind the fact that this was Locus's apartment and the guy would probably kick him out rather than leave it. Felix was on top of him this time, and as long as Locus reacted so well, he wasn’t going to give that up.

At some point, Felix had started responding to Locus with quiet noises, and then Locus breathed his name out against his lips and Felix was sure he was going to explode. He ground their hips together slowly, feeling friction spark along his growing erection and tensing. It was good, but - fuck, he needed a lot more.

Like, anything more. More of Locus touching him, encouraging him, maybe fucking him right there. 

When Locus stopped kissing him so fiercely, Felix hardly noticed. He had shifted, hands gripping Locus by his shoulders to make it easier to roll his hips forward. He drew in a sharp breath as Locus held onto his hips with both hands, entertaining the idea that he was going to be allowed to do this - and the brief flash of a thought that Locus would help him along - but that only lasted about two seconds.

Felix groaned out, “Fuck - Locus, I - “

And Locus said, “Felix, stop.” 

Well. That was a moodkiller. Felix froze, muscles tensing as he fought back the impulse to just keep going. After a moment, he smoothed his hands over Locus’s chest and slid off the man’s lap to sit back down beside him. It was a little difficult to ignore the half-hard dick in his pants, but that was a pretty clear sign that this was over. 

Maybe he just wasn’t going to get off today - like, okay, getting blueballed by the hot neighbor was getting a little old, but at least Locus wasn’t tossing him out of the apartment again. Maybe Locus just wanted to make out and not have Felix start bringing up sex again.

Unless, of course, Locus was going to stop the whole fucking thing - like, no more kissing, no more nothing, time for Felix to go home. Like his patience had run short with Felix or something and this was just… done. Which would absolutely be fine with him. He’d have to go home and jerk off, but it wouldn’t be the first time. Sometimes, people changed their minds, or something came up - whatever it was, Felix was gone and so was any hope of using anything other than his hand to get off with. 

It wasn’t worth the sharp pang in his gut of growing disappointment. A reaction like this was something special or like Locus meant something. Felix sighed, hands clenching over his knees. “Alright,” he said quietly. “So, am I gonna leave now?”

Locus was quiet for a few seconds, leaning forward. He looked over at Felix as he said, “I can’t do this.” 

Perfect. Time to leave. 

“Not here,” Locus continued. “Not where someone can walk in at any time.” 

It didn’t take Felix too long to catch onto what Locus was talking about, and when it all connected, he scoffed. “Lock your door. No one’s gonna get in then.” 

“There’s Grey.” 

“Who you said was out.” 

The look on Locus’s face was strangely calm. “She could come back at any second,” he said. “I don’t want to be… seen.” 

The next words out of Felix’s mouth were scrambled and stuttering, but he was torn between laughing and being annoyed. What Locus said made sense, on some level. Most people didn’t enjoy having a roommate walk in on them fucking someone, afterall. But, really, he was still confused. Was he staying? Leaving? Were they going to do anything if he did stay or was he gonna have to sit there and deal with all the thoughts he had about Locus fucking him until he couldn’t move?

He was willing to bet on the second, and about to say something when Locus stood. He glanced at Felix and then away again as he said, “Just come with me.” He was starting toward the door to his room before Felix had even moved. 

This was good, he thought, just a change of scenery. Definitely good that he was going to have to leave, even if he had no idea what Locus was thinking right now. Had to be sexual, he was sure. Why else would the bedroom be necessary? 

Totally gonna be good. 

Felix was at Locus’s side by the time the door was opened. He entered first, and while Locus locked the door behind them, Felix scanned over the whole room as quickly as possible. Everything was neat and clean, from the perfectly made bed to the stacks of books on the desk and the arrangement on a bookshelf on the opposite side of the room. Even the way Locus had things on his desk set out looked to be on purpose. 

Which was nice, he supposed, but not as important as the fact that Locus’s bed was easily big enough for the two of them. And that Felix really wanted to mess up those sheets. 

He headed toward the bed, turning back to face Locus at the same time, and found Locus heading for him - reaching for him. Locus grasped him by the shoulders, leaning down to kiss him. Felix was smiling when they separated, quiet laughter spilling out on an exhale. He gripped Locus by the hips, stepped back until he hit the bed, and then let go to shuffle backward. 

Locus stayed at the foot of the bed, eyes on Felix as he swept his hands over the blanket - soft, would feel fantastic on bare skin. When Locus didn’t make a move to climb up after him, Felix sighed. He had been reclining on his elbows, but now he sat up. “Is this not what you wanted?” he asked. “Lead me to your bedroom, pick up with all those lovely kisses, and now what? You’re gonna stand there and watch me?” 

He didn’t get an answer, really. Just Locus reaching for him again, hands tightening on his thighs and yanking him closer. Then Locus was climbing onto the bed, hands moving up Felix’s legs to his waist. He kissed Felix again, a touch of the intensity from before showing through it. Felix took hold of his arms and pulled him closer without breaking the kiss, pulled until he could lie on his back and have Locus over him. When they separated, Locus was staring down at him, strands of hair loose around his face. 

“You’re so fucking hot,” Felix said, voice quiet. He reached up to slide his fingers into Locus’s hair, still smiling, still so happy that this was happening. 

“You talk too much,” Locus said. 

A second later they were kissing again, and Felix wasn’t going to complain. He held on tight to Locus, let his eyes close, and sank into the feeling of it. Of Locus’s lips on his, the man’s hands on his body, and the heat burning low in his gut. He shifted his legs until Locus moved with him, lowering one leg between Felix’s. Locus was kissing him with a steadily increasing hunger, a sure sign to just go for it because this infuriatingly hot jackass of a man was responding so well today. Felix bucked his hips up, grinding against Locus’s leg and sighing into his mouth. 

Doing this when he was sober was weird. It had been a while since he was desperate enough to hump someone’s leg - and being drunk and horny absolutely did not count - but in a few short seconds, Felix had one of his legs hooked around Locus’s waist, grinding steadily. And Locus didn’t react at all until Felix whispered, “Fuck - Locus, please.” 

Locus pulled away from him then, sitting up on his knees. Felix’s leg fell from his waist, but that was fine since Locus’s hands were on his pants, undoing the belt he wore. Felix grinned up at him, moving impatiently when Locus leaned down to kiss his face. With his hands stilled on Felix’s belt, Locus had tucked his face against Felix’s neck, lips grazing his skin. Slowly, Felix lowered his hands to settled over Locus’s, urging him on silently. After a moment, Locus lifted his head, then moved his hands, undoing Felix’s belt quickly. Felix gripped his pants at the same time, yanking them over his hips and down his thighs, shuffling around Locus until he could kick them off entirely. 

And then Locus’s hands rested on his bare thighs, warm and pressing against him, and Felix could feel his heart speed up. 

Except Locus wasn’t doing anything else but staring at Felix again. Not moving an inch, like he had no idea what to do here. 

Felix laughed, reaching for one of his hands again. “What’s wrong?” he said, light and teasing. He dragged Locus’s hand up his thigh, watching as Locus’s brow furrowed slightly. “Nervous?” 

Locus said nothing, not until his hand was over Felix’s still clothed cock. “I don’t do this everyday,” he said. “Unlike some people.” 

“Ohh, don’t be an asshole right now.” Felix was holding onto Locus’s arms now, pushing into Locus’s hand. “Just - just do something, please.”  That might have sounded a little desperate but Felix was starting to get to that point. All it took was Locus staring at him, the warmth from his hand on Felix’s cock, and, yeah, he was a little desperate. 

Locus kissed the side of his face, his jawline, working down his neck as he traced over Felix’s cock through the cloth. Just before he slid his hand underneath the boxers, Felix said, “Ah… Careful of the metal,” and Locus leaned back. 

He looked the slightest bit confused - kind of cute, actually, if someone that hot could be cute. “Metal,” he repeated. “What metal?” 

Instead of answering, Felix pressed his cock against Locus’s hand again, insistent.

It was obvious anyway, from the instant Locus had Felix’s cock out and a hand wrapped around him. The look on his face was enough to make Felix laugh again. Locus saying, “You… have piercings. In your dick,” was just a bonus.

“Yeah, yeah. I do.” Felix flashed him a weak grin, resisting the urge to just fuck Locus’s hand. Had his dick in one hand, and Locus wasn’t doing anything. “It’s cool. Now you know, so you wanna do something or are you just gonna hold my cock for a while?” 

Locus rolled his eyes, but he listened and stroked Felix’s cock, piercings and all. Felix laid back on the bed as Locus stroked him, sighing, happy to let Locus work him like this for a while. He let go of Locus’s arms, grasping the blanket underneath him instead. This was great; amazing, maybe. Finally some attention from Locus that wasn’t backtracking for every step forward Felix made.

It’d be a little better if Locus would just hurry up and fuck him, but this was okay for now. 

Except that it couldn’t just go how Felix wanted, of course not. After a few strokes, Locus stopped, easing his grip on Felix’s cock. Then the warmth of his hand left completely and Felix pushed himself back up on his elbows, looking at Locus with a frown. “What are you doing?” he said. “This is pretty straightforward, and it doesn’t really involve stopping.” 

Locus wasn’t even looking at him, but had his gaze focused on Felix’s crotch. A little weird. 

“Seriously, Locus? What’s up?” 

“Why would you do this?” Locus asked. He had his hand around Felix’s cock again, but all he did was run his thumb over the three piercings in the shaft. Slowly.

Felix huffed, hands clenching into tight fists. “It feels good, okay?” Another slow rub of Locus’s thumb, like the guy was just messing with the damn things now. “Locus! Stop fuckin’ around.”

The answer to that was just Locus tugging lightly at one of the frenum piercings until Felix kicked him. When he looked up to meet Felix’s gaze, he had one of the beads at the end of the barbell between two fingers, turning it like he wanted it to move under Felix’s skin. “I have never seen someone who actually had this done,” he said. “And somehow, I’m not surprised that you are the one who has them.” 

Felix kicked him again, lying back down and cursing. All this was doing was making him really, really frustrated. LIke the sensation was there with none of the perks - no friction, no anything. Fucking bullshit. He had the feeling Locus was watching him, but what he was focused on was how Locus was back to running his thumb up and down the three piercings lazily. It went on until Felix snapped, “Will you just fuck me already?” 

It was good that Locus stopped messing with the piercings. Not so good that he let go of Felix’s cock entirely to lean back on his knees. “Felix,” he said, ignoring the frustrated glare Felix gave him. “I’m not going to fuck you.” 

Felix’s glare collapsed into a blank stare as he sat up to look Locus in the eye. His cock was hard between the two of them, his shirt had rose around his stomach as he writhed on the bed, but now it fell back down. “What the fuck?” he said blankly. 

“I…” Locus paused, frowning. “I don’t have any condoms.” 

The moment that passed between them was full of stunned silence. Mostly on Felix’s end. 

He pushed past the haze of arousal, eyes narrowing as he thought. There was usually a condom in his pants, but he also didn’t bring condoms around the guy he was with all weekend. Because that man, unlike Locus, had the common sense to have condoms at his bedside. He focused on Locus again, sighing. There had to be some way to get this to happen. “Do you - do you have lube?” 

Locus shook his head. 

Felix groaned, pressing his hands to his closed eyes. Not having lube wasn’t the worst thing since he didn’t care for fucking new guys bareback the first time, but in this case he would have made an exception. Because this was going far beyond just telling Felix no sex and kicking him out. This was a whole other world of asshole and he was going to be so pissed at Locus if this was were it stopped. 

“I can go home,” he said slowly, lowering his hands back to the bed. “I can get some stuff. It’ll just be a bit awkward if someone is there and I have to explain the raging boner you left me with, you fucking asshole.“

“I’m not going to fuck you,” Locus said again, louder than the last time. “There isn’t a need to. You want to get off, I know.” His hand closed around Felix’s cock again as he spoke, stroking. His thumb ran over the piercings, then up over the head, and Felix bit down on his lip to prevent a noise from rising. “But there are other ways.” 

“A handjob?” Felix said. He was squeezing a handful of blanket again, his other arm pressed into the bed behind him, making it easier to sit up. “Really? I mean, I’m not gonna say no, but really?” 

It wasn’t sex, but hey. Still a step forward.

Locus didn’t answer, just leaned forward to kiss Felix softly. Then he was kissing over Felix’s face, then his neck, leaving a trail that to his collarbones and back up to the jawline. He stroked as he did, squeezing tighter and picking up speed. Felix groaned, leaning his head against Locus as both hands gripped the blanket tight. Locus was close, and Felix could feel the heat radiating off him just like he could smell the man. And Locus was kissing at his neck again, right at the edge of his jaw, practically nuzzling him. 

This really should have felt fantastic, but Felix still squirmed and hissed out, “Fuck, okay, stop.” The hand on his cock loosened instantly, Locus lifting from his neck for the second time. Felix caught Locus’s gaze for a split second before looking away, wishing the heat in his cheeks wasn’t so obvious. “Look,” he said. “Your - your hands are rough, okay?”  

There was a moment where nothing happened and Felix feared yet again that this was it and he was gone. The most irrational thought at this point, but there it was - he was still going to be kicked out, but this time he’d have a rockhard boner as a parting gift. 

Then, Locus was letting his cock go, pulling away from Felix until he slid off the bed. He gripped Felix by the waist and pulled Felix closer to the edge as well, then slid one hand around to grip him from behind. The other took hold of one of Felix’s, forcing him to spread them wider. Locus met his gaze as he lifted Felix’s leg over one shoulder. He was smiling, for the brief second before he leaned forward to lick over Felix’s cock. 

Felix let out a whispered, “Holy shit.” This was one too many changes in such a short amount of time, too many times his expectations had been shattered and flipped over, and Felix was sure he was going to explode when Locus’s mouth was finally moving down his cock. 

Maybe it was how long it had taken to get to this point, but this felt like one of the best blowjobs of Felix’s life. Locus was good - no, he was great, he was fucking amazing. He had one hand curled around the base of Felix’s cock, but that was nothing to Locus’s mouth and his tongue. 

Hell, the man deserved a medal for how he used his tongue alone. 

Felix lifted one hand to Locus’s head, teasing his fingers through Locus’s hair. The other still dug into the bed behind him, propping him up when he wanted nothing more than to lay back and let Locus worship him. He ended up falling to his elbow anyway, yanking at Locus’s hair and moaning. It trailed off into a curse and a buck of his hips into Locus’s mouth. 

For that, he got Locus pulling off his cock and pulling Felix’s hand away. He said, “Don’t pull,” and then he was back between Felix’s legs. Both his hands were tight on Felix’s hips now, holding him where he sat, and making it impossible to move his hips at all. Looked like thrusting into Locus’s mouth was out of the question, but he was alright with that. Locus was licking over the frenum piercings as if he had done it a thousand times. 

He had a hand in Locus’s hair again soon anyway, twisting his fingers through it to the point that the tie was loose. Felix couldn’t stop the noises rising in his throat, or the soft curses, or anything else. Really, what would be the point? There was no one else in the apartment, he was alone with Locus, and it felt good. 

Besides, Felix was certain now that this was actually worth the trouble. It was worth all the confusing bullshit leading up to this moment, all the mixed signals and bad flirting since he had met Locus. Didn’t even bother him much how Locus’s teeth caught on his piercings once (or twice). When he felt the orgasm rising, there was just enough time for him to yank on Locus’s hair and give a quick warning. Locus pulled off, letting go of his hips at the same time. He tugged Felix’s hand away from his hair with one, taking hold of Felix’s cock with the other. 

Felix came over Locus’s hand, hitting across his cheek and over his lips. Locus let go of him, leaving Felix to relax again. He was resting on both elbows now, cock still out, watching Locus as he raised his hand to dab two fingers at the cum on his face. 

He thought that Locus was definitely hotter like this. 

And then, with a lazy grin, he nudged Locus with the leg still over the man’s shoulder. When Locus looked up, it was with a vague sort of interest that probably meant he had better things to do. Like wash his face off, maybe. Felix said, “You got some in your hair,” laughing under his breath. 

Locus blinked, brow furrowing. “If you hadn’t loosened the tie this wouldn’t have happened,” he said. He was reaching for the hair hanging loose by his face, and the irritation in his face only deepened when he realized which hand he was using. The same one he had just used to touch the cum on his face - so even if there hadn’t been any in his hair (which there was), there certainly was now. 

Felix was still laughing when Locus rose to his feet, telling Felix to put his pants back on. He watched Locus leave through a door in the corner, caught the glimpse of what was obviously a bathroom, and then rolled off the bed to find his pants. 

By the time Locus came back, Felix had redressed, and sat at the edge of the bed with his phone in his hands. He glanced up at Locus and back down again; there were unanswered messages on his phone. Several from this morning, and more recent ones from Miguel that said Felix had left things at his apartment, be dropped off tomorrow - or tonight, if Felix was really itching to get it back so soon. He texted back while glancing up again at Locus, watching him walk to his desk. 

This was probably the worst part of starting something with a new sexual partner. Having to figure out what to do afterward - after anything, really. Usually, Felix would opt to stay over after fucking, but this wasn’t sex and he wasn’t naked. Anything was tricky, depended on how the other person felt. And he knew nothing about how Locus felt right now. 

Texting was a nice distraction, though not good enough.

When he looked up and caught Locus looking at him, he smiled - but then Locus smiled back and Felix’s heart fluttered in his chest. Fuckin’ ridiculous. 

“Are you just going to sit there?” Locus asked.

Felix raised his phone. “Got important messages to answer.” The tone for a new text went off as he spoke. Perfect timing. 

Locus said nothing. He turned his attention from Felix to the books piled on his desk and Felix wondered if he guy wanted to get to his boring work. It would make sense, in a way. Satisfy Felix and go back to what he had been trying to do back in the library. The silence between them wasn’t as awkward as it had been earlier, and for that, Felix was grateful.

Still, not a fan of silence. 

He sat there, looking at Locus, and how even though he had pulled his hair back up, it was tied back loosely and hung over one shoulder. He had been able to run his fingers through it once and he wanted to again. It was an appealing thought, one he could easily do now, but instead he started talking. 

“Thanks, by the way,” he said. Locus glanced over at him, and he added, “For the blowjob, I mean. You didn’t have to, but damn…” 

“Do you usually thank people after sex?” Locus was seated at his desk now, leaning back in the chair to watch Felix. 

Felix shrugged. “That wasn’t sex.” 

“Wasn’t it?” 

“Uh, no.” He slid off the bed, making his way to the chair to lean against Locus and pull at the loose strands of hair. “You don’t have condoms. Remember when you told me that? I do, it was very upsetting. You gotta make these things known before I take off my pants.” 

Locus still watched him, calm or content or.. something. The guy really didn’t show his emotions clearly. But it was an unwavering gaze, and Felix loved it. Holding someone’s attention like that was always great. “I never told you to take off your pants.” 

“You didn’t stop me either. Kind of feels like you wanted me to.” His phone was going off from where he had left it on the bed, and he ignored it in favor of Locus. Though his face still showed nothing, Felix liked to think that look of Locus’s had a bit of fire in it. And he chose to stoke that flame, keep it roaring, and thereby keeping Locus interested in him.

Locus said, “Don’t be ridiculous,” in that same, steady, no-bullshit voice. His gaze kept dropping from Felix’s eyes to his mouth - or so Felix thought. He was pretty sure anyway, and couldn’t stop himself from smiling or from leaning down to kiss Locus. Soft and pleasant, and when he pulled away, Locus had a hand on his face. He ran his thumb over Felix’s cheek before again, then again. Then he said, “Are you going to stay?” 

Felix drew back instantly, only a couple of inches. Far enough for Locus to drop his hand back to his lap. “I, uh… huh, hadn’t really thought about it,” he said. 

He had the sudden overwhelming thought to stay here for a few hours, distract Locus with more kisses. The type of slow, deep kisses he had only seen in movies and that probably didn’t even happen in real life. He could see himself sitting in Locus’s lap, or curled up on the guy’s bed together, whatever. It was tempting. He chalked it up to the afterglow of a fantastic blowjob and didn’t think about how it had been long enough for the afterglow to fade. 

“I don’t think I should,” he said finally. “i mean, I don’t think I can. I… I have work.” 

A flimsy excuse, and he watched Locus for any sign of a reaction. Nothing beyond the slight rising of his eyebrows. That was… strangely disheartening. 

“Then,” Locus started, pushing up from his chair, “I’ll see you out.” 

“I know where the door is,” Felix said. He raised a hand to Locus’s chest, pushing against him to make sure he stayed where he was. He paused, then offered a smile. “I’ll call you sometime, okay?”

“I won’t answer,” Locus said. 

“Then I’ll text you.” 

Locus didn’t say anything. 

So Felix left, closing Locus’s door behind him and picking up his discarded jacket and boots. He told himself he was leaving to get Locus to chase after him, a tactic he had employed in the past. Start something, leave, get someone to come back for more. The lingering thoughts of spending his day with Locus was just a distraction, some deranged thought that had to be influenced by those stupid movies he kept watching. 

✹ ✹ ✹

Since Felix left that day, Locus had been free to do whatever he pleased, which unfortunately was mainly a lot of schoolwork. It was relatively quiet, and Felix hadn’t come barreling over and demanding to be let in again. For a while, Locus had a nagging, biting thought that Felix’s absence was linked to what they had done - what he had done. How he had given into the rare desire to please someone else and he had given Felix exactly what he had wanted.

Well. Maybe not  _ exactly _ , but it was close. It was sexual. And Felix had taken it and ran.

Mind-numbing studying helped to rid himself of that thought, but it was the texts that killed it entirely. Messages from Felix at random points during the day asking what he was doing, and when Locus replied that he was studying, always said the same thing:  “Boriiing talk to me instead.” 

He did, but his replies were slow. Studying came first. And all Felix wanted was to ask when he could come over, or if Locus would like to go somewhere with him, or that there was going to be a party at someone’s house, maybe Locus wanted to go?  When he turned the invitation down, he didn’t hear from Felix for the rest of the night.

It was Friday before the monotony of school and studying was broken, but that was only by Grey. She pushed his door open that afternoon, grinning. Her bag was strung over one shoulder, hair pulled up and still a mess. 

Locus took one look at her and said, “You aren’t allowed in my room.”

“Good thing we aren’t staying here then,” she said. “Get a coat, let’s go.” 

“Go where?”

Her grin widened. “Christmas shopping, of course.” 

She had to be joking. Locus rolled his eyes, turning back to his laptop in front of him. He was supposed to be researching for the final paper of his final class and Grey wasn’t going to drag him out of there to go shopping. 

Except that she did, and Locus accompanied her to several stores, one after the other, for hours. It wasn’t as bad as he had thought it might be, even though the coat he wore grew to be too hot inside any building and he didn’t want to take it off. And maybe there were too many people buying too many things, the same loop of Christmas carols in nearly every place they went to, and noisy kids arguing with their parents, but it wasn’t too bad. He managed to find some things he needed, and Grey bought both of them food. Turned out that it was rather nice to get out of the apartment and be away from the stress of finals for a little while.

It would have been better if Felix had continued his silence. Locus received two messages from Felix the entire time. The first just said that Felix was on break and the holidays sucked. The second said he’d like to come over after work to spend time with Locus. It was worded casually, like it was to be read as innocent. 

But this was Felix, and considering what had happened the last time Locus had let Felix in, he had an idea of what might happen. 

Locus stood in the middle of an aisle in Target and thought about Felix. How eager Felix was for sex, and how no matter what Locus did, the idiot was still interested. He thought of kissing Felix, touching him, drawing moans and quiet noises from him. He remembered Felix’s face when he had said he had no condoms, and sighed quietly. 

Beside him, Grey was prodding his shoulder. “Hey!” she said, her sharp voice snapping Locus out of his thoughts. “Are you listening?” 

“No.” He frowned, glanced around them at the candles on the shelf, and then focused back on Grey. The cart behind her was nearly empty. “What is it?” 

“I need you to help me find some stuff, okay?” 

He nodded, but he was thinking that if Felix came over again, he should probably be prepared this time. Despite the flicker of anxiety in his gut, he had to do it. When he turned to walk away, Grey grabbed his arm. 

“Where are you going?” she said. 

“I have to get something.” 

Grey frowned, the irritation in her face heavy and very clear. “You said you’d help,” she said, tightening her grip on his arm. “I need this. It’s for ‘Nessa and ‘Lina, you know how that is. Very important.” 

Locus yanked away from her. “Ask an employee,” he said before he sped up. He had to do this while he was determined to, otherwise nothing would happen and he’d have to deal with that look of disappointment on Felix’s face again. As he sped past aisles, a couple of children knocked half a shelf’s contents off; he could practically hear the angry groans of an employee nearby. 

There were only two good things about this idea. One was that Target played no music whatsoever, so Locus wasn’t standing in front of condoms and lube and having to listen to someone sing about Santa Claus or the old man’s reindeer. The other was that the condoms and lube weren’t locked up and he didn’t have to involve anyone else in this beyond simply paying for it. 

Literally everything else was bad and making him think he shouldn’t even be doing this. There was nothing that said he had to buy any of it, or ever let Felix come over again let alone actually have sex with him. Nothing but the fact that Locus knew it was bound to happen, and likely soon. 

It was the most nervewracking experience he’d had lately. The last person he slept with had bought all of this, saving Locus from the stress and anxiety that came with it. Who knew there were so many types of condoms? What if he got the wrong ones and had to buy something else? And, of course, the cashier would know exactly what he was doing. That was perhaps the largest factor in his anxiety. 

Maybe he stood there too long, because suddenly Grey was rounding the edge of the aisle with a wide grin on her face. She glanced at the box he held and then back to him, and then she was laughing and failing to stifle it. Locus glared, moving his hand behind his back despite how she already knew what he was doing. 

“Hey, Locus,” she said, voice bright. “Guess who I found.” 

He didn’t say anything. Maybe if he was silent, she’d give up and go away again. 

Grey stepped close to him, though, grasping his arm and tugging him behind her. “You’ll never believe it,” she said. “You told me to find an employee, and then I found him reshelving some things kids had knocked over, and he’s so annoyed. This is just - it’s perfect!” She dragged him out of the aisle and past two more, over to one of the small displays set up. 

Standing there, muttering under his breath, was Felix. He wore the same thing everyone who worked here did - red shirt, khaki pants. Even a nametag. He barely looked at the two of them, just started talking. “Grey, I’m not supposed to be over here right now. You’re gonna get me in trouble.” 

Grey giggled, nudging Locus with her elbow. “Aw, but look!” 

“You dragged me all over the store,” Felix continued, finally looking at the two of them. His eyes widened when he focused on Locus, and then all he said was, “Oh.” 

In that moment, the anxiety Locus held was muted. He forgot about the box of condoms clutched in his hand, staring at Felix instead. He said the first thing he thought of: “A tattoo artist?” 

Felix’s laughed, running a hand through his messy hair. His eyes weren’t on Locus anymore. “You said it yourself, right? Twenty’s too young to be a tattoo artist, so….” He was nervous, Locus was positive. He was pulling at the edge of his shirt when he looked back at Locus, eyes sharp. “What are you even doing here?” 

“Shopping.” He caught Felix’s glancing at the box in his hand and shifted so he could hide it behind his leg. The anxiety was building up again, making it so Locus didn’t want Felix to know what he was holding. Which was rather foolish, seeing as he was doing this to have sex with Felix in the first place. Of all people to hide it from. 

Not that it mattered. Felix barely even seemed to care, saying, “So can I come over or what? You never answered my text, so - “

“Absolutely,” Grey said. She smiled when Felix looked at her. “Come over whenever.” 

Locus said, “We’ll see,” but Felix just grinned at him. As Felix started to talk with Grey, making plans for what time he’d be there, if there was going to be food, Locus started to walk away. Felix yelled after him, telling him to come back, and Locus ignored that. He paused to look back and make sure Felix’s attention was elsewhere before entering the aisle, feeling his heart pounding in his chest at just the idea of being seen here. He thought that he should find something and get out of here quickly.

But, yet again, there were too many choices. And as it turned out, Locus was really bad at just picking something. 

Grey was at his side again faster than he’d like, arms crossed. The cart was beside her again, still nearly empty. Whatever she had wanted his help to find, she clearly hadn’t found it yet. He wished she would leave and go back to searching for presents, because Grey had taken it upon herself to point at various bottles of lube and tell Locus about the brand. It was annoying, and did not make him any less anxious than he already was. 

“Grey.”

She stopped midsentence to look at him. 

“You’re never going to have sex,” he said, not looking at her. 

“So…?”

“So go away.” 

Grey laughed then. “Oh, come on. I’m just trying to help.” 

“I don’t need your help.” 

“Then pick one and let’s go home.” When Locus froze, not making a move to do anything, Grey scoffed and reached for one. “Here, this should be fine. It’s lube, it isn’t rocket science.” She handed it over to him and then grasped the cart still talking. “I mean, unless you’re shoving things that shouldn’t be in an asshole up there, it’ll be fine, right? Like, you’ve done this before? No, wait, don’t answer that. I don’t want to know.” 

“Grey.” 

“Oh, but the things I could tell you.” They were walking past families now and Locus considered walking away and taking a bus home. Grey tossed him a bright-eyed look before continuing. “Do you know what kind of mess comes through the hospital? People do strange things, trust me.” 

“Emily.”

“Yes?”

“Stop talking.” 

She sighed, pushed the cart past a group of teenager, and said loudly,  “There are some things that don’t go up there, okay? That’s all I’m saying.” 

The teenagers gave both of them a strange look and Locus glared back at them. He was definitely going to take the bus home. 


	10. it's better this time than ever before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact: chapters 10 & 11 were supposed to be one but i can't help writing to much so it was split in half.

Washington’s big stupid mute of a boyfriend was visiting again; just sitting at the kitchen table like he belonged there. Like he lived there. He sat with a glass in front of him, a coat hanging over the back of his chair, and fixed this cold stare on Felix.

Felix stood at the very edge of the living room, frozen there after laying eyes on Maine. He could see Wash in the kitchen, not paying any attention to either of them. Without taking his eyes off of Maine, Felix said, “What the fuck is he doing here?”

Wash didn’t even turn around, and all Maine did was tilt his head away from Felix. “I can have people over,” Wash said, “Same as you can.”

“My guests aren’t silent assholes.”

“I don’t know about that,” Wash said. He sounded bored. “Locus is a big, silent asshole and you hang out with him all the time. Even came over once, didn’t he?”

Felix let that pass without comment. He looked from Maine to Wash and back again, eyes narrowing. Wash was cooking something in the kitchen, the smell of meat and spices filling the air and making Felix’s mouth water. He was about to invite himself to use their lunch as his breakfast when Wash turned to face him.

And instantly, Wash rolled his eyes, laying the spatula in his hand down in a pan. “Felix,” he said. “Why aren’t you wearing clothes?” He spoke as if he was better than Felix, like Felix was some stupid kid who kept making the same stupid mistake. Jackass.

Felix scoffed. “I am wearing clothes.” He gestured with one hand toward his boxers as he spoke, watching Wash’s expression grow more annoyed.

“Pants,” Wash said. “That’s literally all I ask of you. Wear pants, at the very least.“

“What if I don’t feel like pants today? Are you really going to enforce pants on me?”

Wash sighed, shaking his head and turning back to the stove. “Put something on. Especially when there’s someone else here.”

Felix said, “Your mute boyfriend should get the chance to appreciate my body just like everyone else.” He shot another look at Maine as he spoke, but the asshole wasn’t even looking at him anymore. He just sat there with a hand over his face. If Felix focused, he was sure he could make out the minute shaking of Maine’s shoulders. An easy way to tell that for some reason, Felix was being laughed at. An insult on its own, but this was coming from someone who wouldn’t even speak to him.

That was easily double the insult.

“And now he’s laughing at me,” Felix said. “Do you see this?”

Wash didn’t answer.

So Felix marched up to the tables and set both hands on its smooth service. He leaned forward, staring at Maine until the guy looked his way. “What’s so funny?” Maybe it was the pattern of dollar signs on his boxers. “Come on, big guy. Answer me. Say something, anything.”

From the kitchen, Wash said, “Leave him alone, Felix.”

Maine had brown eyes imbued with gold. Coincidentally, the only kind of brown eyes that weren’t boring, in Felix’s opinion. He also had this calm, impassive face that was starting to annoy Felix. He held Felix’s gaze until Wash called to him, asking if he wanted anything else to eat. Maine’s answer was a low, rumbling noise, and though Felix couldn’t understand what the fuck that was supposed to mean, Wash seemed to. He shrugged and dropped what he was holding, turning to face both of them.

After a brief, quiet moment, Wash wiped his hands on his jeans and started to walk out of the kitchen. As he passed the table, Felix asked, “What are you cooking?”

“Food.”

“Yeah, hilarious.” He twisted, watching Wash walk to the hall. “I’m joining you,” he said. “Need some breakfast.”

“Put on pants,” Wash called back without turning around. He disappeared around the corner and in the silence, the sound of a door shutting was loud. Must have had to use the bathroom, Felix figured.

Still not happy about Wash insisting he wear pants.

At the table, Maine still wasn’t talking but he was focused on Felix again. For a few seconds, Felix stared back at him, letting his gaze wander from Maine’s face to his broad shoulders and the muscles in his arms. Pity the big guy was dating Wash. And that he was so silent, really a damn shame; Felix was positive a guy like this must have a killer voice.

But, nope. Eternally mute.

Standing there, Felix leaned forward, his hands sliding over the surface. He smirked at Maine and lowered his voice, as if someone else was there to hear him speak. “Hey. Big guy. Would you like to know what it feels like to hold a million dollars?”

Maine didn’t speak, of course, but he didn’t move either. Or even make one of those weird growls and grunts that he only gave up for Wash.

Felix said, “All you gotta do is reach under the table.” He slid one hand to Maine’s, sliding his fingers over Maine’s wrist and tugging him lightly. “And touch my dick.” That was without a doubt the best thing he could have said in this situation. The grin he wore was sharp and coy, expectant even when Maine pulled his hand away. He watched Maine stand, tracked the man’s gaze as he focused on Felix, standing there in nothing but dollar-sign patterned boxers.

Something good was going to come of this, he was positive.

Maine’s hands landed on Felix’s shoulders and his grin widened. The barest flicker of a smile flashed across Maine’s face, Felix winked, and then Maine had turned him around. Hands settled on his waist, large and calloused -

And then Felix was lifted into the air, held out in front of Maine like a sack of trash. Felix froze for a few seconds just long enough for Maine to adjust his grip, lift him higher - and for Felix to see that he was being carried quite clearly toward the front door. It didn’t make any sense, really, but Felix fought Maine’s grip because nothing about this was going to end like he had hoped. When he twisted, Maine gripped him tighter, when he succeeded in squirming out of one hand, Maine simply tossed Felix over his shoulder and continued on.

At least from Maine’s shoulder, Felix could see Wash standing at the edge of the hall now, staring at the two of them like he didn’t want to know what was going on. So Felix yelled at him. “Help me! Your stupid boyfriend’s lost it!”

Wash didn’t move. He said, “Uhm… Maine? What are you doing?”

Felix heard the door open and cursed Wash and Maine - especially Maine. Cold air rushed over his legs and before he could even react, Maine was lifting him up again. He was set down in a surprisingly gentle way, with his feet flat on the very cold floor outside.

But then Maine shut the door in his face. And Felix could hear the subtle sound of the deadbolt turning. He tried the door just to be sure, and scowled when it wouldn’t budge. He had been locked out of his own apartment by an intruder. It was freezing; the floor chilled his feet within seconds, and the wind that blew through seeped through his skin.

Fucking ridiculous.

Pounding on the door got him nothing, yelling insults through the door didn’t work. He kicked it once, but all that did was make his foot hurt. It didn’t take long for him to stop and wrap his arms around himself, trying to find some sense of warmth. Being out here in only his boxers when it was so close to December was awful. He glared at the door again, muttering another curse. There was only one thing he could do now, and that was to turn right around and beat down Locus’s door. At the very least, he could spend a few hours wrapped up in a blanket for warmth.

He caught the flash of white before he had even taken one step, and he stopped to turn his gaze down over the balcony and to the parking lot below. Everything was white. Covered in snow. The cars, sidewalks - he could even see his bike topped with it. Footprints and tire tracks snaked through it, mapping the paths others had taken coming and going into the buildings.

Which meant that not only was Felix locked out of his own apartment, he was nearly naked and it was snowing. Or had been snowing. Whichever, they were both terrible.

“That dick,” Felix said. He shifted his weight from one frozen foot to the other, gazing down at the snow with a frown. “He knew it was like this.” Had to have known, since Maine had walked through that mess.

And he still threw Felix outside.

Without even a jacket. What a cruel, coldhearted man.

Felix gave the snow covered ground one more long, scathing look, and then marched over to Locus’s door and slammed one fist onto it over and over and over. It was just a few seconds before the door was opened, but even that was way too long. The instant it was opened, Felix stared up at Locus and said, “Let me in. I’m freezing.”

Locus seemed surprised, looking at Felix with wide eyes for a couple of seconds. Then that brief show of emotion was gone, and Locus was frowning at Felix, staring him up and down. “Where are your pants?” he asked finally.

“Why does everyone keep telling me to put on pants?” Felix snapped. “Maybe I don’t wanna wear pants!”

“So you mean to be out in only that?”

Felix scowled, huffed out a breath that was visible in the cold air. “Can you just let me in?”

Locus stepped aside, letting Felix into the apartment. It was blissfully warm, and Felix slammed the door shut as soon as he crossed the threshold. He sighed, leaning against the door, and thought that he could stay right here. Just for a little while, at least until the feeling came back in his toes. He was aware of the silence between him and Locus, as well as the sound of the TV in the background, but that wasn’t as important.

Though, he did have to break this silence.

Felix said, “Hey, can I borrow some clothes?”

Instead of an answer, Locus asked, “What happened?”

“Clothes first.”

“Nothing of mine will fit you.”

Felix frowned. As if he needed to be reminded of how short he was

“You’re so small,” Locus continued. He didn’t look away even when Felix focused an intense glare on him. “Something of Grey’s might work, though she might not like you wearing her things.”

Sounded like he wasn’t too sure about that. Felix scanned the apartment. No noise from Grey’s room would mean she wasn’t here right now. For a second, he considered just barging into her room to see if anything would fit him, but noticed the cracked door instead. The way Locus’s apartment was set up, there was a set of doors to the left of the kitchen. One was the bathroom that doubled as Grey’s and for guest usage, the other had always been closed. Today it was open just a crack, the washer and dryer visible behind it.

No need to go sneaking through Grey’s closet after all.

Felix rushed forward ignoring Locus trying to grab him, and threw the door open. Stealing laundry would be fine, he thought. Especially since the alternative was for him to spend an undetermined amount of time here with only boxers on.

The washer and dryer were stacked with the dryer on the bottom. A basket of unfolded clothes sat on the top of the washer, but there was no way in hell Felix was going to get that. Not without pulling the whole thing down. Lucky for him, there was a jacket hanging on the back of the door, way too large to belong to anyone but Locus, and Felix snatched it and pulled it on instantly. It was warm, and surprisingly soft. Felix spread a hand over his chest, turning his head to grin at Locus. “What was that about your clothes not fitting me?” he said. Never mind the fact that the sleeves of the jacket wanted to fall past his hands.

Locus stared at him. “You look ridiculous,” he said.

“Do not.”

“The dollar signs say otherwise.”

Felix’s grin fell instantly. He glanced down at himself and sighed. He was sure that as big as Locus was, this jacket had to hide his boxers, but no such luck. “Fine. I’ll find some pants. Would that make you happy?” He didn’t look at Locus, wrenching the door to the dryer open. He dug through the clothes for a bit - cooled by now, sadly - pulling out various pieces every so often. All of it was Grey’s and consisted mostly of hospital scrubs and dress shirts. He was beginning to wonder if Grey ever changed her pants when he pulled out a skirt instead. A nice skirt, dark grey, and in no way like anything he would expect a doctor to be wearing. He held it up and considered it, still feeling the cold that had sunk into his bones.

Well… he wasn’t too keen on pants today anyway.

The skirt nearly reached his knees after he pulled it on, and would definitely mean he’d still be cold. At least he was covered now. He shut the dryer and the laundry room door, and spun around back to Locus - or, he would have if Locus was still there. All he was facing was a very clean but very empty kitchen.

Locus was in the living room, sitting on the couch with a book in his hands. The TV was still on and, every few seconds, Locus would glance from the book to the screen and back again. Like he was trying to multitask between two things that required a lot of concentration.

Felix crossed into the living room to lean against the arm of the couch. “Hey,” he said, waiting for Locus to look his way before continuing. “What do you think?”

“Is that one of Grey’s skirts?” Locus interrupted. “I told you, she isn’t going to like you wearing her clothes.”

“You acted like I couldn’t be in just my boxers,” Felix said. He pulled lightly at the hem of the skirt with one hand. It was fine, he was sure. He could just give it back later. “It’s the only thing I could find.”

Locus didn’t say anything, but he frowned. He wasn’t looking at Felix’s face, focused on something further down, and Felix chose to believe the man was staring at his legs. Which he could understand since he really did look fantastic in skirts. He smiled at Locus, smoothing down the skirt along one of his thighs. His fingers brushed his own skin, cold to the touch, and the smile faded. He would have loved to try and seduce Locus, but instead he asked, “Can you get me a blanket?”

Such a simple thing to ask for and Felix still felt heat rising in his cheeks. He blamed it on having been tossed out of his own place, forced to be outside in the freezing weather.

He stood where he was, watching Locus get up and move past him, heading toward his bedroom. Felix watched until Locus disappeared through the doorway, then let his gaze wander around the room. The show on the TV was some kind of crime show, one of the documentary like ones about true crimes, he thought; a game system beneath it was on, the green light shining dimly - Grey’s, had to be. Vaguely, he wondered what games that girl played. There were magazines on the coffee table near where Locus had been sitting, and Felix wandered over to pick one up - guns There was another one underneath that. Someone in this apartment was really into guns.

Felix flipped through the one on top. Looked brand new. He dropped it back on the table right when he heard Locus’s footsteps heading back to the living room. Instead of facing Locus, Felix looked past the couch, at the floor-length curtains and the big window behind it. Snow was piled up beyond the window and Felix was frowning at it when a blanket landed around his shoulders. Locus’s hands were on his shoulders too, and Felix leaned back into Locus for a second. Then he reached up to grip the blanket and walked away from Locus, around the edge of the couch, and up to the big window he had been staring at.

“Felix?”

Or, what was most definitely not a window at all, but a sliding glass door. Felix raised one hand to press against the glass, feeling the chill from outside. “You guys…” he said, glaring through the door at the snow outside. “You have a balcony?”

He saw Locus approaching before he spoke, a dim reflection in the glass. Locus stood beside him and reached over to knock Felix’s hand off the glass. “You haven’t noticed it before?” he asked. “I assumed you would have seen it by now.”

“I was a bit distracted last time I was here. Not sure if you remember that, but you kept touching my dick.”

“You were here before then.”

Felix rolled his eyes. “I thought it was a window.” There was furniture out there, but snow was piled up on it. Looked like three chairs and a small table. It really wasn’t the largest balcony, but still… “Why do you guys have a balcony and I don’t?”

“I don’t know.” Locus took him by the shoulders again, pushing him away from the balcony door. “Don’t touch the glass.”

“A balcony,” Felix said, letting Locus lead him back to the couch. “I can’t believe this. I’d love a balcony. Do you know how much fun I could have with a balcony to use whenever I wanted?”

Lots of sex, mainly. Sex outdoors, where anyone could see it. And right at home! So useful.

Pity that wasn’t something he could talk about with Locus. Not yet, anyway. For now, he was fine with sitting on the couch and wrapping the blanket around himself. And when Locus sat down beside him, Felix eased closer. Locus must have been expecting this because he raised his arm and let Felix rest against him. His arm settled around Felix, sliding under the blanket to Felix’s side. It was nice, comfortable, and most importantly, warm enough that Felix could stay like this and not give much thought to the fact that he was willingly cuddling up to someone.

They sat there, quiet, Locus watching the TV and Felix picking at the edge of the blanket. The hand at his side stayed where it was, holding fast, and Felix chose to believe that Locus was trying to hold him right here, to keep him in this one moment. It’d be like the big fuckin’ nerd, Felix thought. Still, he stopped fidgeting with the blanket, shifting closer to Locus. The blanket from fell from his shoulders, gathering in a pile in his lap as Felix placed a hand on Locus’s shoulder, leaning up to kiss the side of his face.

The reaction he got wasn’t what he expected. Just Locus’s hand skating up his back, the slightest turn of the guy’s head.

Though, really, what had he expected here?

He did it again, leaning down to try and kiss along Locus’s jawline, and then he was yanked back so suddenly that he scrambled to keep a hold on Locus. He ended up with one hand latched onto Locus’s bicep, the other reaching behind him.

Locus was staring at him, one hand holding Felix back by the hood of the jacket. “What are you doing?” he asked.

Felix grinned back at him. “Thought you might enjoy some attention,” he said. There had been a hint of amusement in Locus’s voice, and for some reason, his grin widened at the thought. “Was I wrong?”

“I’m trying to watch a show,” Locus said. He let go of the jacket, only to slide his hand through Felix’s hair, likely making more of a mess of it. “And I get the feeling that you’re the one who would enjoy some attention.”

Not wrong about that. Felix laughed quietly, reaching up to shove Locus’s hand away, only for his arm to be grabbed instead, right under his elbow. He pulled back and Locus tightened his grip. “You gonna let go of me?” Felix said, looking from the hand on his arm to Locus’s face. His grin faded as he spoke. “I only wanted to kiss you. Why are you always making a big deal out of a kiss?”

“Why do you feel the need to kiss me when I’m trying to focus on anything other than you?”

“Why are you such a jackass?”

“There really isn’t a need for insults, Felix.” Locus let go of his arm then, though his fingers trailed over Felix’s skin for a bit, down to his wrist. “Watch the show. Be quiet.”

Felix frowned, glancing at the TV, then at Locus, and then finally at the fingers resting over his wrist. The sleeve of the jacket fell down his arm, covering Locus’s fingers as well as half his hand. He thought for a second about slipping his hand into Locus’s, about snuggling up to Locus’s side and resting his head on the guy’s shoulder - or his chest, that would be better. Then Locus could go back to having an arm around him, and it would be quiet and comfortable all over again.

Instead, he said, “Your show is boring,” with a loud sigh. He pulled his hand away from Locus, making a big show out of stretching both arms over his head and yawning. Loud, obnoxious, with his eyes closed and everything. “So boring it’s putting me to sleep.” He cracked one eye open to find Locus watching him again and smirked. “That isn’t what I came over for.”

Locus said, “Why are you here? You never explained.”

Oh yeah. He sighed again, dropping his arms to the couch and shifting to lay over Locus’s lap. There, despite Locus’s grumbled noise and attempt to move him, Felix recalled the entire event with as much detail as possible. He left out the sad attempt at flirting (seriously, he was usually so much better than that), and didn’t answer when Locus asked why exactly he had been thrown outside. When he finished talking, the only sound was the show still playing out on the TV. Felix was looking at the TV without watching, resting his head on his arms folded over Locus’s thigh. The blanket was twisted around his legs, but the most important part of this position was that Locus had a hand underneath the jacket. The other was in his hair, fingers moving casually through it, but it was the one on his back that was important.

Because Locus had started to run his hand up Felix’s back and it was so pleasant that Felix thought he could fall asleep like this. He probably would have if Locus didn’t stop to ask, “How long are you going to be here?”

Felix huffed, squirming in a vain attempt to make Locus pick up the motion again. “I don’t know,” he said. “Maybe when Tucker gets back? I think he’s at work.”

“You can’t call anyone?”

“Phone’s in my room.”

“That’s… unfortunate.”

“Yeah, it is.” He hadn’t thought about it, too caught up in everything to pay attention - but, yeah. It fucking sucked and he was started to get annoyed all over again. Locus’s hand was still on his back, resting near his shoulder blades.  He said, “Can’t believe that fucker threw me out of my own apartment. Who the fuck does he think he is?”

Locus didn’t answer. He did start rubbing Felix’s back again, and that was more than good enough. For a few seconds, that’s all it was - both of them quiet, Felix enjoying the feeling of Locus’s hand on his skin. Then, Locus said, “So… Washington has a boyfriend, then?”

“Uh, yeah?” What the fuck was this? He was the important thing here. “Does that matter?”

Once again, Locus fell silent. And, sure, okay, his hand was still coasting down Felix’s back, fingers touching his side lightly, but now something was off. Because even though he had Felix in his lap, Locus was asking about Wash. Total bullshit.

Felix pushed himself up on his elbows, digging them into Locus’s thigh and enjoying the annoyed noise the man made. “So,” he said, “why are you asking about Wash and his stupid dumb mute boyfriend?”

“There isn’t a reason.”

“Oh, really?”

“Curiosity, at best.”

Felix rolled his eyes. “I know you’re lying,” he said, relaxing again over Locus’s thighs. The hand on his back pulled away, and he sighed, glaring at the TV. “Wash told me before that you ask him a lot of questions, won’t leave him alone. I’m not stupid. I can figure things out.” Locus having a thing for Wash wasn’t a problem - god knows Felix certainly didn’t stick to only seeing one person - but really? “The problem,” he continued, “is that I’m here. Me. Don’t get all starry-eyed over Wash’s pathetic ass when you’ve got the chance to - hey!”

At that instant, Locus had yanked him up again, using the back of the jacket to pull until Felix was on his knees beside him. He had a second to glare at Locus and then there was a hand on his jaw and Locus was kissing him. Soft, and slow, and Locus pulled back right when Felix had started to return it, but Locus still had his hand on Felix’s jaw, thumb tracing circles over his skin.

“I was gonna say,” he said, smiling when irritation flashed in Locus’s eyes. “There is no need to care about anyone else when you can kiss me.”

Locus’s answer was another kiss - slow, almost hesitant. Like he had a reason to be unsure about this. Not wanting to let him back away again, Felix twisted a hand into Locus’s shirt, pushing forward and trying to change the tone of the kiss, make it rougher. Or, at the very least, he wanted this kiss to do anything other than make him feel so happy.

It was ridiculous, but he kept smiling, acting like he hadn’t kissed Locus before. Something felt like it was trying to burn through his veins, and he chose to ignore that in favor of starting to push Locus back and climb into his lap. The blanket fell from his waist as he moved, falling down his legs. Wasn’t long before Locus laid his other hand on one of his thighs, making Felix grin between kisses. And for that split second, he lost control of the kiss and the next was just as slow and soft as the first had been.

Neither of them noticed Grey standing in the kitchen, not until she said, “Are you wearing my skirt?”

The instant they heard her voice, they separated. Felix didn’t move, still poised half in Locus’s lap and half tangled in the blanket. He could feel Locus’s hands at his waist, possibly trying to get Felix to move away - there was another person in the room now, what other reason did Locus need to put distance between them? He ignored that, focusing on Grey instead.

She was smiling, still holding her keys in one hand, but that smile was tinged with annoyance. She also looked tired, and that coupled with the annoyance in her gaze meant bad news for him. “That’s a nice skirt,” she was saying. “I wear it on dates. Why exactly are you in it?”

Felix took the time to slide off of Locus’s lap first, just so he land one foot on the floor and prop the other on the couch. “I was locked out of my own apartment,” he said. That frightening smile on Grey’s face faded just a bit, so he continued. Once again, the whole tale of woe had to be laid out, minus the pattern on his boxers, of course. At the end of it, he made a gesture to the skirt and his legs and said, “Didn’t want to wear pants, Grey. Look how good I look.”

Because that was important, right? How great Felix looked in skirts?

By the end of the story, that smile had left her face and Grey just looked tired. She sighed, leaned against the kitchen counter, and reached up to tug lazily at a loose strand of hair. She was still focused on Felix. “You are something else,” she said. “Only person I’ve ever known to get thrown out of their own apartment by someone who doesn’t even live there.”

“So you’ve grasped how fucked up it is.”

A small smile returned to Grey’s face. “You never said what you did,” she said, “to have Wash’s boyfriend throw you out like a badly behaved dog.”

Felix didn’t answer, only lowered himself back to the couch beside Locus.

Locus had a hand at Felix’s back again, over the jacket. He said, “I hadn’t thought of it that way.” After a quizzical look from Felix, he added, “That this man treats you like an animal.” The touch of laughter in his voice was like an insult.

“Yeah, alright. Everybody laugh at me.” He squirmed away from Locus, shoving his hand back. “Not like I was thrown out into the snow - “

“You weren’t,” Locus said.

“ - and left there to freeze - “

“You’re being ridiculous.”

“ - and I didn’t even have a jacket. The man was trying to kill me, I swear - !” He only stopped talking at all because Locus had reached over with both hands, clamped one over Felix’s mouth, and used the other to shove him over onto the couch. Felix twisted and shoved Locus back but he was laughing when Locus’s hands slid off him. He sat up slowly, and as he did, Locus stood up off the couch. Felix watched him disappear into his room and then looked back at Grey. She was still leaning against the counter, but she was smiling again. “Got something to say?” he asked her.

She shook her head, but that smile was blossoming into a grin and Felix didn’t trust it at all. When she did speak, she only said, “You can keep the skirt.”

Felix pulled absently at the hem of it. “Really? I can wash it, give it back.”

“I don’t want it if your dick has been in it,” she said, walking into the kitchen and pulling open the fridge door. “I can always buy another skirt…” She paused, standing in front of the fridge with her back to him, and then turned to grin. “You’d have to pay me back, of course.”

Right. Because he had so much money laying around. “Maybe I don’t want to keep it,” he said. He held the very small hope that she’d still take it back. It was nice, but not nice enough for him to pay for. Wasn’t short enough on him, for one.

Unfortunately, Grey didn’t take the bait. She turned from the fridge with a tupperware bowl in hand. “Now, Felix. You already said you looked good in it, don’t try to act modest.”

That wasn’t something he was going to argue against. He wasn’t going to pay for a new skirt though, and he said as much, but all Grey did was laugh and tell him how wrong he was. That he absolutely was, even if he didn’t know it yet. She said that if Felix didn’t want to pay for a new skirt for her, then he shouldn’t have put on the one he was in. Locus reentered the room as she was talking, sitting on the opposite side of Felix. It put Felix in Grey’s line of sight and gave him the distinct impression that Locus had done that on purpose, just to keep himself out of the crossfire.

Felix said, “Fuck you and your skirt.”

“Oh, please don’t,” Grey said. Her food was in the microwave and she kept her eyes on him while it cooked. The smell of it made his stomach growl, a reminder that he had forgotten to eat. “Or do, I guess. It is yours now.”

“You can have it back,” Felix said, for what was at least the third time. “I don’t mind sitting here in my underwear.”

Grey laughed, one loud, “Ha!” before pulling her food out again. Steam was rising from the bowl and she considered it before looking back at him. “Oh, come on, now. Enjoy your skirt.” She put extra emphasis on the word ‘your’ and proceeded to dig around in drawers for a fork, then in the fridge for a drink. “I’m sure Locus would rather you have clothes on, anyway,” she added, almost as afterthought.

Felix frowned. He was leaning back against Locus by now, and reached behind him to drag one of Locus’s arms around his waist. It was true that Locus had wanted him in clothes, but maybe the man preferred Felix in pants. He had never bothered to ask, and really, if he was going to fool around with the guy, he should know this. He thought back to that night at the party, when he had been wearing a skirt and Locus had been pretty into it for a while, and that pointed toward Locus not minding at all. The fact that he had so easily grabbed at Felix’s bare thighs earlier meant something too, but wasn’t that just Felix being hot and irresistible?

Well. Out of respect for Locus’s own personal comfort, he should ask. He was running his fingers over Locus’s hand where it was pressed against his stomach when he asked, “Hey, Locus? Do I look good in this skirt?”

The answer he got was poor, made up of quiet mumbles instead of words. When Felix turned to look at him, Locus wasn’t even looking his way. He might have been looking at the TV, or at something close to it. Felix frowned at him, glanced at Grey to see her sitting a stool, watching Locus while she ate.

Felix said, “I’m taking your silence to mean that I look great. So, thank you. I appreciate it.” He reached out to pat Locus’s thigh. Neither of them said anything and that was just… weird. And he didn’t care for it. “Why are you guys so quiet?”

Grey pointed to the steaming bowl she held in the other hand.

“It’s impossible for you to stop talking, isn’t it?” Locus said quietly. He pulled his arm from around Felix, and even moved an inch or two away. Far enough that Felix had to sit up straight again. Felix shot Locus a dirty look, throwing his feet off the couch, and Locus ignored it.

Things between them had been fine barely a minute ago, but now Felix could practically feel Locus throwing up walls of defense. The question was why the guy felt the need to do it. Maybe he was trying to shut Felix out. Maybe he didn’t like showing affection in front of Grey, or some kind of combination of the two.

From the stool she sat on, Grey said, “Hey, did Locus ever tell you this funny story?” The bowl she had held was on the bar behind her and she had both hands clasped in her lap. She smiled at him and it was brilliant. “It’s about the first time you showed up in that cute skirt of yours, and how he freaked out about it. I love it, it’s ridiculous.”

“Grey.” Locus’s voice was full of warning. “Stop.”

“What, you haven’t told him?”

Felix glanced between Grey and Locus, frowning. Grey’s smile hadn’t faded, even though Locus was glaring at her. “What are you two talking about?” he asked.

“It hasn’t come up yet,” Locus said. He snatched his arm away when Felix touched it.

Grey laughed, some quiet, nervous sound. “Ohh no. I said something I shouldn’t have then?”

“Seriously,” Felix said, “what the hell is the big deal?” It was always annoying to be stuck between two people having their own conversation, and these two talking right over him made it even worse.

Grey looked from Locus to Felix, then back to Locus. “Look, I’m sorry I mentioned it when I shouldn’t have, but you have to tell him.”

Locus was reluctant to start talking, taking a while to say anything and then speaking slowly, choosing his words carefully. “There are certain people,” he said, “that I’m not entirely composed around.”

Silence. Felix raised his eyebrows, fixing Locus with a curious stare.

After a moment, Locus tried again. “This certain group of people....” Then he stopped, frowned, and started over for the third time. “I don’t know how to speak to, or act around, this group of people. Anxiety takes over, and I avoid them to the best of my ability.”

Felix looked back at Grey but she was sipping from a straw that hadn’t been in her glass a minute ago. He turned back to Locus to say, “That doesn’t make a lot of sense.”

Locus’s frown deepened.

“You’re being too general,” Felix continued, “and that’s the problem. See, I get the overall point, but who are they?” He was focused on Locus as he spoke, but the answer was blurted behind him, in Grey’s excited voice.

“Girls! He’s afraid of girls!” She was grinning when Felix turned to her. “The big secret’s out now.”

Felix was silent for a moment, letting it sink In, but then he was mirroring Grey’s vibrant grin. He caught the dirty look Locus was giving her and snorted – and when that nasty look was turned onto him, all Felix did was slap a hand over his mouth. He really was trying not to laugh, but there was something inherently funny about this.

When Locus spoke, it was quiet, “I am not afraid of girls.”

“Oh, you are,” Grey said. She was still grinning. “It’s okay.”

“I am not – “

“How do you live with Grey?” Felix said, cutting Locus off mid-sentence. “Since she’s a girl, I mean. Shouldn’t you be scared of living with her?”

Locus started to protest again, halfway to repeating the same thing, but then he stopped and sighed. “Grey isn’t a girl,” he said. “She’s a doctor.”

“Is doctor her gender?” Felix asked. The look Locus focused on him was so filled with irritation that he started laughing again.

“It’s how he copes with girls,” Grey said. “Give every girl a label so they become something other than a girl. Like, a classmate or a neighbor.”

“Or a doctor?” Felix said with a smirk.

Grey nodded, smiling. “Exactly.”

Locus made an annoyed noise beside Felix, something that sounded like a growl. His face was drawn when Felix looked his way, a clear sign that he was irritated. There was tension in his shoulders again, too, and his hands had clenched into fists. Felix reached for his hand, smoothing his fingers over Locus’s wrist before easing down his hand, forcing his fist to unclench. Locus glanced at him as Felix laced their fingers together. When he finally spoke, he said, “I am not afraid of girls,” and ignored Grey’s hum of disagreement. It was clear he was speaking to Felix. “It’s anxiety.”

He kept talking, speaking in a quiet voice that somehow commanded attention. He told Felix about how, from a young age, he had dealt with anxiety intruding on every part of his life, making everything far more difficult that it should have been. He said that, while a teenager, one of the most difficult things to adjust to was talking to others. That as he aged and the anxiety worsened, it became especially hard to talk to girls – and that although it had lessened, the problem was still there.

Which Felix took to mean that Locus couldn’t talk to girls without being a cranky angry asshole.

And also that Locus was totally afraid of girls, but okay, sure. Anxiety was a big issue for the guy, that much was obvious, so Felix wasn’t going to press the issue. Even if he was kind of curious about how labeling girls as ‘doctor’ and ‘classmate’ made it easier to talk to them.

After Locus finished talking, what Felix said was, “Okay. But what does all this have to do with me in a skirt?”

Locus gave him another sidelong glance. At the bar, Grey perked up again, that bizarrely unsettling smile brought back into existence.

“Thought I forgot, didn’t you?” Felix said. “Well, you’re wrong. I can keep great track of a conversation.”

And once more, Grey answered before Locus could. “He thought you were a girl,” she blurted. “Something about skirts equaling gender because of long-standing issues with how he was raised, but – “

“I don’t need you to talk for me,” Locus said. He focused on her, eyes sharp, hand squeezing where he still held Felix’s. “I’m perfectly capable of explaining it.”

Grey quieted, frowned, and rose from her stool. She excused herself, left the dishes on the counter, and walked past where she sat to her room. Though she moved calmly, she closed the door with extra force.

“I think you irritated her,” Felix said, glancing at the closed door.

Locus made a low noise of acknowledgment. “Grey,” he said, “thinks she understands how everyone around her works. She’s wrong.”

Felix was quiet. He sat several inches from Locus, watching him, running his thumb over the back of Locus’s hand and trying not to notice the sweat forming on his palm. He felt that this was very quickly going to become serious, so he leaned in close to Locus. Once he had the man’s attention, he said, “Did you really think I was a girl? Like, this is when you shut the door in my face, right?”

Locus frowned.

Felix grinned, widely. “You did,” he said, voice dropping. “Did you freak out? Did you seriously?”

“Felix.”

“That’s adorable.” He kissed the corner of Locus’s mouth, partly because Locus looked irritated still but mostly because he just wanted to. Locus sighed and Felix felt it against his skin. He turned his head, rubbing his cheek against the stubble growing on Locus’s face. This was good, he thought. Being so close and so tactile with Locus was so good. “I’m not a girl,” he said against Locus’s skin before pulling back slightly. He looked into Locus’s brilliant eyes and smirked. “And I’m not a boy either. I’m what they call nonbinary, which basically means I’m too good for society’s structured gender rules, and that makes me awesome.”

Locus was quiet. He pulled his hand from Felix’s, reaching for his face. “It means,” he said quietly, “that you are just Felix.”

Well. Felix wasn’t exactly sure what that meant, but it sent sparks down his spine anyway. Or maybe that was caused by Locus kissing him again. Probably the second.


	11. stay close to me (don't go nowhere)

Felix stayed until nine that day, taking up space on Locus’s couch, eating his food, and pestering Locus for attention if he was quiet for too long. It was annoying, but Locus found he didn’t mind giving Felix a kiss every now and then. Sharing a quiet afternoon and early evening together was nice while it lasted. They talked, they ate, Felix pressed against his side on the couch and traced over his chest with idle fingers until someone came to the door.

And then Felix was gone with another brief kiss. A short-lived absence, since he was texting Locus not even five minutes later.

This was something that Locus had come to expect with Felix. The constant texting and the pleas for attention had become nearly an everyday occurrence. The only part he wasn’t used to yet was the way Felix texted. Every message was in a surprisingly docile manner with smiling faces and hearts, and it made for an odd image when it was compared to how abrasive Felix was in person. Several days later, for instance, Locus received a message from Felix at midnight asking if he could come over.

Asking. The complete opposite of all those times when he would demand to be let into Locus’s apartment. Not that it mattered how Felix formed the question, Locus’s answer was no, absolutely not. It was too late to let Felix in, to deal with whatever foolish reason he had this time. Locus was resigned to that decision, but thought that maybe he should invite Felix over tomorrow instead, after he came home from his classes. Surely that would make up for tonight.

Before he had the chance to ask, Felix was texting him again, quick messages that caused his phone to buzz numerous times in his hand. First, a series of sad frowning faces - “:c :c :c” - followed by Felix repeating the same question but adding a please to the end.

A text saying, “I need a break, okay? :c”, and, “Locus, baby, pleaaaase???”

Locus sighed, tossed a glance at his bedroom door. If he opened it, he knew he would be able to hear the bass from across the way. The sound of yet another party stretching into the late hours. A part of him was curious why Felix wished to leave, another just wanted his phone to stop buzzing. He agreed, reluctantly, and got a quick response. More faces, smiling this time - “c: c:” - along with hearts. Nothing else after that, until Locus heard the knocking coming from the apartment’s door.

Before he got up from his desk to answer it, Locus took a single pill, a precaution against the anxiety he was sure would try to take over once he was in Felix’s company. When he left his room, he was wearing only a pair of thin pants, something he would have worn to bed. A jacket hung on the back of the door and he threw that on as well, because being shirtless around Felix seemed like a bad idea right now.

When he opened the door, he was met with a tired smile from Felix. And then, the instant Felix stepped inside the apartment, he said, “Thanks. Needed to get away from that stupid party before I killed someone.” He was wearing khaki pants that had to be part of his work uniform, and an unzipped jacket over a paint-splattered shirt. A bag was hanging over one of his shoulders, but before Locus had the chance to ask what was in it, Felix was leaning up to him, hands gripping at his chest.

They kissed, but it didn’t last long. Felix’s nose bumped into his face and the next second, Felix was pulling back, whining and raising one hand to his face. Locus frowned, reaching forward to knock Felix’s hand away. He gripped Felix’s jaw and turned his face up, thumb running over his cool cheek. With his head tilted up, Locus could see the piece of metal in Felix’s nose, a small silver ring that looked new. He said, “When did you get this?”

“Yesterday.”

Locus hummed, prodding at the piercing with his thumb.

Felix snatched away from him instantly, wincing. “Don’t do that,” he said. It was probably meant to be accompanied by a glare, but it just looked like Felix was pouting. “It’s tender, okay?” He was poking at the piercing as he spoke, making a face when he hit it. He paused to shrug the bag on his shoulder up higher, then glanced at Locus. The light glinted off the piercing in his nose as he spoke. “It looks good, though, right? Like, I’m pretty hot already but the more piercings I get, the better I look.”

There were better words to describe Felix than ‘pretty hot’, but arguing that point with Felix would get nowhere. Locus was sure that telling Felix he was cute more than he was hot would injure his ego somehow, so he settled for making a small noise instead. Let Felix interpret it how he wish.

Which, naturally, was that of course Locus agreed with him. A lazy grin lit up Felix’s face and he turned into the living room, ignoring Locus for the moment it took to kick his shoes off. And then he was settling onto the couch, throwing the bag he had next to him, talking about how once he got the jewelry he really wanted it would look fantastic on him “I want this one with a skull on it,” Felix said with a sigh, “but it’s like two hundred dollars.”

Locus sat down next to him, eyeing the bag between them. “What kind of jewelry is two hundred dollars?”

“The kind made of gold.” He paused, looked up at Locus, and shrugged. “I think it’s gold anyway. It’s so cool though, and I’m so broke.”

He sounded like he was whining.

“I don’t like being broke,” Felix added.

Definitely whining. He reached up to prod at his nose again, making the same face as he had earlier - scrunched up nose, furrowed brows, practically a pout. Locus watched him until Felix’s eyes met his own and then he dropped his eyes to Felix’s bag. He was curious about what Felix would have thought was important to bring, and why he brought anything at all. It was the first time Felix had brought anything over, unless Locus counted the food Felix had made for him. He tugged at the strap of Felix’s bag, frowning. The typical thoughts were churning in his mind: how long did Felix want to stay, how long was Locus willing to let him stay.

Before he could ask anything, Felix said, “Nice PJs, by the way. Totally hot.”

He was smirking when Locus looked back at him. “I was going to bed,” Locus said.

Felix’s smirk morphed into a grin in a flash. “Aw, did you stay awake for me? That’s adorable, man.”

“I wouldn’t have been able to sleep anyway.”

“Not without me, huh?” Felix was laughing to himself now, but Locus couldn’t find the joke. “Do you need me with you? Been thinking about me instead of sleeping?”

“The noise from your party would keep me awake,” Locus said flatly. Felix let out a breath in a huff. “You’re usually at these parties,” Locus continued. “Why not tonight? And why did you think you needed a bag to come over?” There was an idea in the back of his head that Felix, for whatever reason, thought he could stay over if he brought his own things.

“Told you,” Felix said, reaching for his bag to open it, “that I needed a break. I like parties, but only when I’m actually prepared. Tucker just threw this one while I was at work today and then told me, ‘hey there’s a party happening, better be ready!’ I stayed for a bit, but i can’t put up with those people right now. Not even drinking would make them better - and no, before you ask, I am not drunk. Had like two beers ‘cause all the good shit was taken by the time I got home from work.” He paused to pull something out of the bag - a blanket - and then he was holding it up, like Locus needed a good look at it. HIs eyes bored into Locus as he said, “Didn’t bring a lot, just… I took this from you. Thought you might want it back?”

Locus did remember, vaguely, Felix taking off with a blanket of his but that had been over a month ago. After a moment, he pulled the blanket from Felix with one hand, looking at it as he felt the other’s eyes still staring. “Of course.”

Felix said, “Only thing else I brought is to entertain myself,” and Locus looked back at him. That easy-going smile was bright on Felix’s face. “Didn’t want to be here with nothing to do.” The corners of his mouth twitched, like he was holding back a laugh. “There’s always you, of course, but just in case…”

Locus found himself smiling. Every possible implication of Felix’s words caused anxiety to flutter in his stomach, but the idiot neighbor looked too happy, too cute, and Locus ignored the anxiety. It would go away soon enough, and it was easier to focus on Felix. Easier to watch Felix and the way his smile wavered and redness grew in his cheeks the longer Locus looked at him.

“What are you doing?” Felix asked, shifting on the couch. He ended up facing Locus, his hands on the blanket that was lying over his bag.

“Looking at you.”

Felix grinned, almost devious. “Is it because of my amazing good looks?”

Locus said nothing for a few seconds, looking from Felix’s eyes to the metal glinting in his face. That, he thought, would take a while to get used to seeing. When he spoke, he said, “You have freckles everywhere on your face.”

Felix’s grin dimmed slightly. “Uhh… Thanks? I think.”

“It’s cute,” Locus said. He hadn’t intended to, but apparently there was only so many times he could think it before he said it. He watched the blush bloom in Felix’s cheeks and took hold of the other’s face with one hand. Felix leaned into his touch just slightly, the lightest turn of his face into Locus’s palm. That alone, Locus figured, was a good enough reason for kissing Felix again.

When they separated, Locus still had a hand on Felix’s face. Felix was looking at him with lidded eyes, hands still clenching his blanket. There was a faint red to his cheeks even now. “Thanks,” he said quietly.

“For a kiss?” Locus asked. It was mostly a joke, but he was also remembering Felix thanking for him for a blowjob the last time he was over. Made him wonder if Felix was the type of person who thanked someone for menial things, or perhaps it was only limited to sexual favors. He lowered his hand from Felix’s face, leaning back just a bit and studying the pattern of freckles and the lines of the other’s face.

Felix said, “For letting me come over, idiot.”

Locus hardly heard it. He was too busy thinking of the breathy moans that had spilled out of Felix that last time and how it might sound to pull words from Felix in the heat of passion. It no longer came as a surprise to him to think of Felix this way, but he hadn’t expected it to start so soon after inviting Felix in. And with so little to spark it. If all it took was a kiss or two, this would be a problem.

While he sat there, Felix had pulled his bag into his lap, reaching into it again. He was talking, and Locus concentrated just in time to hear Felix say he wasn’t planning on staying. “Just brought something to entertain myself, like I said.” He glanced back at Locus as he spoke. “In case you want to do something boring like read or watch a stupid show again.”

He hadn’t planned on doing either of those. Grey was asleep in her room, so there was no chance that television would be turned on. As for books, it was simply too late for it. “I had other plans,” he said.

“Oh, nice.” It sounded as if Felix was simply talking to say something as he pulled a hardcover notebook from his bag. After another second, he pulled out a pencil as well, pushing the bag off his lap and onto the floor. It hit the ground with a subtle thump, a sign that there was still more in it but nothing large. “You do your thing. I’ll sit here” -he was moving away from Locus as he spoke, to the edge of the couch- “and draw.”

Locus tilted his head, eyeing the book Felix held. He watched as Felix flipped it open, turning pages, and corrected himself. Not a notebook, but a sketchbook. One that was fairly used if the amount of pages Felix bypassed meant anything. For a while, he sat there, focused on Felix, watching as he pulled his legs onto the couch and settled back against the cushions. Locus watched the pencil move as Felix sketched, until Felix looked up at him curiously. “You never told me you were an artist,” Locus said before he was asked anything.

“I did,” Felix said. He was smiling, light enough to curve his lips upward but nothing else. “Remember? I told you I was a tattoo artist.”

“That turned out to be a lie.”

“Still counts.” He stuck his tongue out at Locus, then turned his attention back to the sketchbook balanced on his knees.

And once more, Locus watched him. There was something oddly pleasant and calming about this situation, about Felix being quiet and reserved for once. “What are you drawing?” he asked. The blanket was folded over his lap, curled around his legs.

Felix answered in a tone of voice that was distant and distracted: “Tattoo design.” His eyes were focused on the sketchbook, pencil moving steadily. The level of concentration in his face was obvious. “Been working on it for a while, but I want to finish it. Got an appointment with my tattoo artist soon, and I need to have the sketch for him.”

“Could I see it?”

Felix laughed then, a stifled giggle. “Not on your life. Got some already, though, like on my skin. You can see those someday.”

Locus nodded, though Felix couldn’t see, tearing his gaze from the other. His attraction to Felix - both aesthetically and sexually - was starting to meld with how much he was liking this focused side of him. It was odd, leading to him wondering what the tattoos on Felix’s skin looked like. When he could see those tattoos and memorize the flow of the ink and the pictures on Felix’s body that he himself had designed. He recalled seeing the outline of a bird splayed across Felix’s back the last time he had been over, but he hadn’t allowed himself much time then to look. Thinking back on it now, all Locus remembered clearly was the wings spreading out and the way the lines had varied in thickness. That one he wished to see again, to have enough time to devote to tracing out every single line and how it lay on Felix’s pale skin.

From the other end of the couch, Felix let out an irritated noise. He was flipping to a new page when Locus looked back at him. He was met with Felix’s eyes boring into him, pencil laid flat on the top of the sketchbook. “You should let your hair down,” Felix said. “I like it when it’s down.”

He was well aware of that. Instead of answering, or doing what Felix wanted and pulling the tie from his hair, Locus rose to his feet and headed to his bedroom. He left the blanket where it was, intending to add it to the morning’s wash cycle. He would have done so now, but his anxiety levels were low and he wanted to distract himself from Felix while he had the chance, to lose himself to the computer and, hopefully, stop wanting to pull the clothes off of Felix’s back.

Unfortunately for that plan, as soon as he had made it to his desk, he looked over in time to watch Felix climbing onto his bed. The sketchbook was in one hand, pencil between his teeth. He offered a goofy grin at Locus as he set his sketchbook down to prop pillows against Locus’s headboard.

“What are you doing?” Locus asked, sighing.

Felix plopped down, yanked the pencil out of his mouth, and opened his sketchbook. “Wanted to be close to you,” he said, smiling. “That’s allowed, isn’t it?”

He didn’t wait for an answer, but turned his attention back to the sketchbook in his hands. That was alright. For now, he saw no problem with Felix sitting on his bed and drawing so long as he stayed quiet. Locus sat down at his desk, opening his laptop. He had no real idea of where he was going and how he was going to spend the time until he fell asleep, but it didn’t take too long for him to have a forum open in one tab, and others on various subjects. Flowers, tattoos, a list of cat breeds, and several things he closed out of quickly - things that links on the forum had led to.

For a while, there was nothing but the quiet sound of the keyboard as he typed. If he concentrated, he could pick up the scrap of Felix’s pencil and the muffled music from the party. And then Felix spoke, a plea for Locus’s attention. He turned his head slightly, glancing from the screen, and waited for Felix to continue. “Can’t you let your hair down?” Felix asked, a grin snapping to his face. “Please? For me?”

Locus frowned at him, but Felix’s grin didn’t waver. He turned his attention back to the computer screen, feeling Felix’s stare holding steady on him. A quick glance solidified that, yes, Felix was staring at him, sketchbook open in his lap, a patient smile on his face. Locus rolled his eyes but reached up to pull the tie out, setting it down before reaching up again to pull the few tangles out of his hair. He could still see Felix in the corner of his vision, pencil to the paper, head tilted down, but from this angle it looked like he was still focusing on Locus.

It was strange, and made the tiniest flurry of nerves flutter through his gut, but Locus could ignore that. He was doing well tonight with keeping the anxiety at bay, so if Felix wanted to look at him, then he could handle that.

And he did, for a short while. He read up on cats and looked at the different styles of tattoos, brushing his hair out of his face or tucking a wayward strand behind one ear. Every so often, though, he would catch himself glancing over at Felix just for a glimpse of the other person concentrating on what he was doing. Locus looked at Felix and how the light in his room cast his face in shadows; he noticed how quickly Felix would sketch at times and how slowly the pencil would drag another time. He caught Felix shifting where he sat, watched him pulled the sleeves of his jacket up from his wrists. He looked at Felix more often than he did anything else. It was sure to have been well over an hour since they had come into Locus’s room, but when he checked the time, it had only been just over twenty-five minutes.

Not even half an hour, and looking at Felix sketching so seriously was making his heart stutter. He kept looking at tattoos and imagining them on Felix’s skin, imagining himself spreading his hands over the ink to feel the warm skin underneath. Each thought was short, but so vibrant that Locus felt the urge to touch Felix rising with each one.

He was curious about the art Felix was working on as well. If it was another tattoo, some mystery design that, someday, Locus would see and be able to appreciate.

He didn’t realize it when he had started to stare again, not until Felix glanced up and looked surprised to find Locus looking back. For a moment, neither of them said anything. Then Felix asked, “What is it?” at the exact moment Locus rose from his chair. He sat on the edge of the bed, close enough to Felix to reach out for the book in his hands - and then Felix was snapping it shut and recoiling from him..

“You don’t look in an artist’s sketchbook,” Felix said, eyes sharp. The sketchbook was clasped to his chest. “What kind of person are you? Where are your manners?”

Instead of answering, Locus laid his hand on Felix’s leg, watching the other’s eyes flicker. He shifted, leaning closer until he could see the irritation fade from Felix’s eyes. His heart was pounding in his chest, but the tension was easing out of Felix’s shoulders and he was lowering the book in his hands back to his lap. “Felix,” Locus said, voice low, “Can I kiss you?”

Felix laughed then, short and stuttered. “Are you serious?”

Locus trailed his hand up Felix’s thigh as he spoke. “You did mention manners.”

The sketchbook fell from Felix’s hands then. He was grasping Locus by the collar of his jacket instead, pulling him forward until their lips met. It wasn’t the type of kiss Locus would have initiated, not as soft and slow. He had wanted to savor it, the feeling of kissing Felix. But Felix, he was learning, was one for hungry kisses and low whines that were like music to Locus’s ears. Noises that, in instances such as now, lit a spike of desire in his gut.

When he surged forward to capture Felix’s mouth again, Felix made a sharp noise and pushed him back. “Sorry,” he said. He was close enough that Locus felt his breath on his skin. “The piercing. Just - be a little gentle, yeah?”

“You started it,” Locus said. He was aware of how childish that sounded, but what he wanted had changed. He wanted to devour every inch of Felix and draw those noises out of him. “I’m merely following your example.”

Felix smiled, shaking his head slightly. His hands were tight on Locus’s chest, squeezing the jacket. “Tender piercing,” he said. “Don’t you remember that?” He paused, leaning away as his hands flattened on Locus’s chest. “Look, just... I’m gonna go get my stuff okay? Then, yes, fuck yes, please feel free to kiss me all you like.” When he started to move away, Locus pressed a kiss to his neck, just under his jawline. He pulled back, and Felix was grinning

Then Felix was sliding off the bed, pulling the sketchbook with him. He sat that on the table by Locus’s bed before heading for the door. Locus watched him go, overcome by how sudden his desire for Felix was and how strong it had gotten.

He thought about going to Felix, pulling him back to the bed, kissing every inch of his body - which would mean stripping Felix, lying him down and mapping out his naked body. But then his anxiety roared, and Locus only said, “Turn the light in the living room off,” to Felix’s retreating back. Then he sat there, waiting, until Felix came back to the room with his bag hanging off one arm. Felix shut the door to the room without being told, dropping the bag at the edge of the bed as he climbed back up.

And just like that, Felix was kissing him again, slowly and deliberately, with that underlying current of desire still strong. It wasn’t long before Locus was settling between Felix’s legs and pressing Felix against the pillows, one hand at the other’s side, threatening to slide underneath Felix’s shirt. Felix had a hand tangled in his hair, the other on his arm; he took control of every kiss and Locus let him. As long as this didn’t stop just yet.

A part of him was worried that once it stopped, once Felix stopped kissing him and the desire faded, the anxiety would take over.Thinking and worrying was too much trouble when Felix was burning through him with every kiss.

Felix’s hand fell from his hair during a pause between kisses. He still had to touch it, fingers toying with the ends of the shorter strands. Locus didn’t mind. He was staring at Felix, at the freckles on his face and his slightly swollen lips. His hand was itching to slide under Felix’s shirt and get a taste of skin. Then Felix caught his stare, the warmth in his eyes evident. “Hey, Locus?” He was quiet, nearly a whisper. “Where is this going?”

Locus didn’t answer. He tilted his head, watching Felix’s eyes dart over his face.

“How far is this gonna go?” Felix asked. Both his hands were gripping Locus’s arms now, and after another moment of silence, he sighed and squirmed underneath Locus. From how they were positioned, with his legs spread for Locus, it wasn’t easy to feel the bulge in Felix’s pants, but Locus knew it was there.

Finally, he said, “How far would you like?” Even though he already knew the answer, was well aware that Felix wanted sex - not a blowjob, not Locus’s hand on his cock, but the full experience. He asked knowing this but needing Felix to acknowledge it, to urge him past the hesitation he still felt. The desire he felt wasn’t enough to overcome the walls he had spent so long building, not nearly enough to break the anxiety’s hold on him whenever sex was brought up. Gathering up enough courage and energy to take Felix’s cock into his mouth that afternoon had surprised him; he wasn’t sure how much it would take for him to initiate sex.

He said, “Tell me what you want from me,” and watched as Felix grinned.

“I want you to fuck me,” Felix said, his hands tightening on Locus’s arms. “I want you to make me cum, and I want you to touch me.” He leaned up to kiss Locus, a touch of desperation to it - and Locus kissed him back until he could find it in him to press their hips together. Felix’s legs shifted instantly, and the kiss broke just as Felix ground against him. He felt Felix’s lips at his throat then, soft, his breath hot. “I want us to be so close we melt together.”

That last one sounded good, though Locus couldn’t quite make sense of it in the moment. Not with Felix’s lips trailing over his skin. A hand squeezed his hip then, sliding over to grip his ass and pull him forward. Their hips ground together again, lighting sparks  “I want you,” Felix whispered. He released a shaky breath against Locus’s skin when Locus rolled his hips. “Please, Locus. Fuck me.”

Locus responded by kissing him, a sign of acknowledgement, a silent way to thank Felix for giving him what he needed. He slid his hand under Felix’s shirt finally, spreading his fingers and coasting his palm over Felix’s stomach. It was easy to push the fabric up higher and higher, until he had to pull back for Felix to sit up and shrug out of his jacket. He watched Felix toss the jacket off the side of the bed and, even with the mood rising steadily, Locus frowned and made a low noise of displeasure.

Felix heard it, his eyes snapping to Locus’s. “What is it?”

“I don’t like messes,” Locus said. He looked back at Felix in time to see him smile, and added, “It’s the anxiety.” That wasn’t a full explanation, but he was too distracted by Felix as he yanked his shirt over his head and tossed that off the side as well.

Felix ran a hand through his hair, tousled and messy by being pressed down and made messier still by pulling his shirt off. “I’ll clean it up after,” he said, speaking quickly and reaching forward to grip the bottom of Locus’s jacket. “Promise. Clothes off now, c’mon.” His hands were crawling under Locus jacket, pressing eagerly to his stomach. Felix’s hands were cool, chilling his skin where they touched, and Locus found he liked it. He liked it enough that he leaned forward to kiss Felix again, taking care not to bump the piercing in his nose.

It was as if a switch had been flipped on again, and neither of them could stand to stop kissing the other. Felix’s hands still wandered under his jacket, skating over his sides, and Locus would have mirrored the motion if he wasn’t trying to pull the jacket off without having to stop kissing Felix. As soon as he had the jacket off, Felix’s hands were winding through his hair, pulling him back in for another kiss - one more passionate than before. Locus let his eyes close, running a hand over Felix’s back, listening to the muffled sounds rising from Felix. If it weren’t for the burning desire seizing him, Locus would have been happy with just this. There was something about kissing Felix that was intoxicating.

They separated soon enough, Felix falling to his back as his hands went to his pants. Locus ran his hands up Felix’s sides and over his chest. He caught sight of a tattoo for an instant, golden ink on Felix’s right shoulder, but then it was forgotten. Felix was bucking his hips up, sliding his pants down. Locus could help with this. He gripped the khakis and pulled, helping Felix slide them off. He didn’t watch Felix kick them off, but reached with only a seconds hesitation to palm over Felix’s crotch.

It was such a simple thing and Felix reacted so strongly. He pressed his cock into Locus’s hand, sighing and throwing his head back, exposing his neck. Locus leaned down, kissing a trail up to Felix’s jaw and tracing his cock through his boxers as he did. He watched Felix’s face, the flush in his cheeks and his heavy lidded eyes darker than usual. Then Locus slid his hand into Felix’s boxers and watched as the other bit his lip, muttering something he didn’t quite catch.

This would work, Locus thought. As long as he kept his eyes on Felix, drank in the sight and the sounds of him, this would be more than enjoyable. It didn’t matter how long it had been since he had done this - as long as Felix was pleased, Locus was sure he would be as well.

He let go of Felix’s cock to hook a finger under the band of his boxers. That was when Felix chose to ask, “You’ve got a condom, right?”

Locus nodded, reluctant to take his hands from Felix to reach for the bedside table. He glanced at the sketchbook sitting there briefly, then found what he was looking for, coming back to Felix with the lube and a single condom. To his surprise, Felix sat up instantly, snatching the condom from him and examining the package. Then, with a sigh, Felix tossed that onto the floor as well, right to where their clothes were piling up. “Felix,” Locus said, “what - ?”

“It’s not a good one,” Felix said. He was rolling away from Locus to the opposite end of the bed, leaning over the edge. When he sat up again, he held his bag and was digging through a pocket on the front. After a moment, he looked back at Locus and raised his hand. He held a condom, one that he handed over with a small smile. “Use this,” he said. When Locus glanced from the condom to Felix, brow furrowing, he added, “I have a latex allergy. I should have told you sooner, but I wasn’t exactly expecting this to happen tonight. But you have to use that one, alright? I can even give you some more if you want them.”

The condom Felix had given him was indeed a latex free one, and Locus frowned at it before looking up. Felix had the lube in his hands, opening it. “You don’t have a problem with that, do you?” Locus asked. The thought that he had gone through so much anxiety to buy something that was useless in the end was biting the edge off his desire and motivation to have sex.

Felix laughed under his breath. “Nah. As long as you use enough to keep my ass from lighting on fire, it’ll be good.”

Locus sighed, setting the condom down beside them. Despite how annoyed he was at the waste of money, and even more so at what he had pushed himself through to get the now useless condoms, Locus was determined to do this. He looked at Felix, at the eager expression on his face, then tracked his eyes down Felix’s body. Felix had freckles dotted over his chest and his stomach, and Locus took a deep breath to calm himself, then leaned down to kiss one freckle after another.

He dragged his lips over Felix’s skin, feeling the other shudder beneath him. Hands gripped his shoulders, and as Locus moved down to kiss over Felix’s stomach, he heard Felix trying and failing to stifle laughter. When Locus raised his head, Felix grinned sheepishly at him. “Ticklish, sorry,” he said, “Your hair is killing me.”

Locus moved up just to kiss Felix again, persistent until he felt Felix sigh against his lips. Then Locus moved over his face, planting soft kisses over Felix’s freckle adorned cheeks. He even kissed Felix’s nose, even though Felix shied away from him - he was sure he only got away with that one because he had pulled Felix’s boxers down a second later. He didn’t watch to see where Felix kicked the clothing away, but took Felix’s cock in hand and rolled his thumb over the piercings in the shaft.

Like he had expected, Felix keened at the touch, bucking into his hand. “Mmm, Locus, don’t do this to me again,” he said. “Don’t be such a tease.”

“I’m sorry,” Locus said, stroking up and down over the piercings as he spoke. “I’m not sure I understand you.”

He wanted to see Felix writhe and twitch like he had before, wanted to watch him unravel. That expression he had only glimpsed before - and this time, he would be the one responsible. So he stopped. He let Felix sit up and help him out of the rest of his clothing - though Felix’s idea of helping was to kiss his neck and his collarbones and his chest, and then plunge one hand into his pants and grasp his cock without warning.

His reaction surprised him more than Felix’s hand around his cock, squeezing and relaxing and thumbing at the head. All that built up desire, what he had been ignoring in favor of observing Felix, all of that came to the forefront of his mind and clouded out everything else. He was on his knees on the bed, almost leaning on Felix, one hand on the bed and the other on the beltline of his pants. He had dragged them to his thighs before he had stopped.

Felix stroked once, kissed the side of his neck, and Locus bit his tongue to stop a groan from spilling out. “Holy shit,” Felix said, laughing quietly. “Man, you react so easily… When was the last time you did this?”

Locus didn’t answer.

Felix kissed at the base of his jaw, nuzzling his face against Locus. His hand was still working over Locus’s cock, making him hard easily. “Must’ve been a while,” Felix muttered against his skin. “At least since someone else touched you.” He leaned back when Locus let his name slip out on a quiet exhale. The smile on his face was genuine at least, void of all that teasing and smugness. “I’m kind of honored,” he said. “Say my name when you cum, won’t you? Let me know it’s me that got you so worked up.”

Locus turned his head and kissed Felix just to shut him up. At this point, there was nothing else but Felix and the overwhelming need to please him. He pulled Felix’s hand from his pants so he could slide them off and drop to the floor, but when he went to reach for the lube, he paused. Felix had placed his hands over Locus’s chest, smoothing over his skin and sliding slowly down. Locus looked from the hands on him to Felix just in time for Felix to sigh, “You’re so hot.”

“You’ve said that before.”

“Well, yeah, but now I know you have fucking abs.”

Locus was certain he did not have abs, but it was harmless. Let Felix think what he would. Felix’s hands didn’t leave his body until Locus had the lube in one hand, steeling himself to start, to open Felix up enough. Starting was always the most difficult part, the time when, even despite medication, the dull thud of anxiety in the back of his head made him think of every miniscule mistake he could make that would ruin it.

And this time, He had Felix’s attention. Even as he settled back onto his elbows and spread his legs again, Felix was watching. “Are you really going to watch me the entire time?” Locus asked.

Felix grinned at him. “Can’t seem to look away. You must be drawing me in,” he teased. When Locus didn’t react or make a move to continue, the grin faded. “Is it, uh… the anxiety?” he asked quietly.

It wasn’t, not completely. There was just something strange about Felix staring him down when Locus was about to put fingers inside of him. “No. I’m fine where the anxiety is concerned.” He smoothed his free hand down Felix’s thigh as he talked, shifting closer until his legs brushed against Felix’s. “You can watch if you really want to. Even if it is strange.”

That grin lit up Felix’s face again as he watched Locus apply lube to his fingers, eyes tracking the hand that Locus lowered to his entrance. He pressed one finger to Felix, watched Felix take a sharp intake of breath - “Fuckin’ lube is cold,” Felix mumbled, - and then Locus was sure he had lied. The quiet edge of anxiety was muted but still there, and Felix watching him like this wasn’t helping. Situations like these, it would always be present no matter what he did - but he couldn’t stop now. He refused to give in to the biting anxiety, refused to disappoint Felix.

He would just have to work Felix open until the other looked away.

A great idea, one that proved to work much faster than he had expected, and soon  Felix had thrown his head to the side with one finger inside him. As Locus worked him open slowly, Felix moved. His legs twitched and shifted with restless energy, getting worse until Locus clamped his free hand down on one thigh. Once Locus added a second finger, he started turning and twisting his fingers, trying to eke out pleasurable noises from Felix. Felix’s leg was taut under his hand, and Locus could see him clench and unclench handfuls of blankets.

Felix hissed, “Touch me,” and Locus obliged. He slid his hand over Felix’s skin to grasp his cock and run his fingers over it lazily. He was much more focused on the fingers he had in Felix’s ass than doing much with the cock in his other hand. At least Felix didn’t seem to mind. He only twisted and shot Locus a look through heavily lidded eyes. “More,” he said; an order. “Give me more - Fuck, give me your dick.”

Locus hesitated, curling his fingers inside Felix instead.

“I can take it,” Felix said. He tore his eyes from Locus again, legs shifting again. A low whine rose from him when Locus pushed in a third rather than giving Felix what he asked for. “Please, come on. Fuck me. Cock. Now.”

He was basically spitting the words out, and Locus was positive he was horribly impatient. Until he twisted his fingers, pushing into Felix, and watched him throw his head back completely. His cock twitched in Locus’s hand. He did the same thing, and Felix actually moaned, a quiet sound that sent heated shivers down Locus’s back and straight to his groin.

That was something he wanted to hear more of, and he repeated the same motions, aiming for the same spot. He squeezed Felix’s cock as he did, and for his efforts, Felix whined desperately.

“Locus,” Felix said breathily. “I want you to fuck me. I _need_ you to fuck me.” He sounded so deliciously needy, so beautiful, and Locus leaned forward to kiss his chest again as he pulled his fingers away. When he searched blindly with one hand for the condom Felix had given him, Locus caught Felix’s gaze. All he saw was desire and lust, and it was remarkable how great a sight that was.

Felix wore a smile as he watched Locus put the condom on and stroke himself. He laid on his back still, hands tracing Locus’s biceps. He whispered, “Fuck me how you like, okay? Just - just put your whole cock in me. That’s all I want right now.”

Hearing that made the heat flare through him, racing through his veins. Locus looked at Felix, at the expectant smile on his face and the lust-dazed eyes focused on him, and then he eased himself in slowly. Felix’s face drew tight, his grip on Locus’s arms followed suit, and Locus waited. He watched, hands sliding from Felix’s hips to run over his stomach and his sides as he pushed in more. Despite what Felix said, Locus wasn’t sure if he would ever have his entire cock inside of him. Not tonight. Just the feeling of Felix tight and hot around him was making his cock twitch and his heart beat fast.

He had to take a moment to collect himself, though he told himself it was to take in the sight of Felix lying nude and so beautiful underneath him. Locus leaned down to press his lips against Felix’s collarbones, feeling one of Felix’s hands slid up around him, and then he was moving. Slow rolls of his hips at first, shallow thrusts. It was easy to sink into a quick, steady rhythm from there, to hold onto Felix and aim for that spot to force moans out of him.

Locus eased an arm around Felix’s hips to lift him up, make it easier on the both of them. He kissed Felix and couldn’t stop kissing him. Whether on his lips or his cheeks, down his neck and over his collarbones, Locus pressed his lips to every inch of Felix’s skin he could. All the while, he listened to Felix’s soft noises and the gasps when he would thrust into him just right.

The heat inside him rose with each push of his hips, with the answering noise from Felix and the hands clutching at his body.

It wasn’t until Felix keened, moaning loudly and twisting in his grasp that Locus realized he had found the spot inside Felix he had been searching for. Felix cursed with each thrust now, stinging mumbled words together. One of his hands was between them, stroking himself and the other was still tangled in Locus’s hair.

Felix said, “God, go faster.” He brought his legs up around Locus’s waist, pulling him close, and whimpered with the next thrust. “Please, Locus. Faster - _please_ …”

There was nothing Locus wanted more than to do just that, to give Felix just what he asked for. The more Felix quivered and shook, the more he moaned and pleaded, the more Locus began to understand that at this rate he was not going to last much longer. He could hardly take the steady rhythm he had set himself, and it was almost a relief when Felix told him to stop.

Having a moment to try and regain his composure was good, but he couldn’t help but wonder why Felix had stopped him - and even though it turned out just to be a change in position, his nerves were already rattled. He thought that, despite his best efforts, he wasn’t doing enough for Felix. He wasn’t good enough for someone like Felix, and that meant the expression that he couldn’t be rid of would never grace his presence.

Felix wanted to ride him, and he pushed Locus up against the pillows. He climbed into Locus’s lap, leaned back to take Locus’s cock in one hand, and then began to slide down slowly. Locus hissed, then groaned, hands grasping at Felix’s hips.

“Fuck, that’s better,” Felix sighed. He had sunk down completely, planting his hand on Locus’s knee as he sat there. “You should have done this to begin with.”

“Done - done what?”

“Put your whole cock in me,” Felix said. He started to move, rolling and grinding on Locus’s cock. “It’s fucking great - you feel so good.”

Locus didn’t say anything. He was concentrating on Felix’s movements, on the way he snapped his hips without lifting from Locus’s cock. The sensation was more than he had imagined, and he was feeling the heat pooling in his gut and rushing through him more than ever. He watched Felix take his cock in hand and stroke, watched his eyes flutter as he fucked himself, and listened to the increasingly desperate noises he made.

He moved with Felix, as best he could, bouncing Felix in his lap until Felix had to lean forward to brace himself instead of back. Locus squeezed Felix’s hips tightly when the pace started to pick up, keeping him still. He tried to find a speed where he would last, despite Felix’s irritated growl. It wouldn’t have worked anyway - he came with such a sudden rush that it was almost painful, with a noise somewhere between a curse and a groan. Felix was still in his lap, squirming on his cock, and that was painful. Locus was just too sensitive.

So he lifted Felix off his cock and when Felix squirmed out of his grasp Locus raised a hand to his face, wiping sweat and hair from his forehead. Beside him Felix was whining, and he glanced over to watch as Felix stroked himself, eyes on the ceiling, face contorted in concentration.

There was nothing that was going to stop him from pleasing Felix, not even a painful orgasm. Locus took a deep breath, reached down to pull the condom from his soft cock, and rolled over to look down at Felix. His hair brushed Felix’s face and as soon as the other snapped his focus onto him, Locus kissed him. He swallowed all the frustrated noises Felix was making, reaching down to pull his hand away from himself. And then Felix was writhing in his grasp again, whining into his mouth.

“Make me cum,” was the only thing he said when Locus pulled back. The words were full of desperate need, and Felix’s eyes reflected it.

He kissed Felix again, softly, and then moved down his body. Without saying anything, Locus took Felix’s cock in his hand, and leaned forward to slide his mouth over the tip. In answer, Felix whimpered out an “Oh, fuck,” and Locus set to giving Felix an orgasm that would make up for his disappointing performance. Felix had responded well to the blowjob before, and did now as well. He kicked a leg over Locus’s shoulder, moaning out obscenities and fractured sentences. He derailed into pure nonsense when Locus slid a finger into his hole, searching for and finding that spot inside of him that would reduce him to a writhing mess.

When Felix came, Locus took it in his mouth. It took him a second, but he swallowed around Felix’s cock and heard the quiet, pleased noise. It felt like something he had earned, almost. He savored that noise more than the taste left in his mouth, almost more than anything else he had gotten from Felix tonight.

He pulled back from Felix slowly, rising up his body and dragging hands over his sweaty skin. Felix’s hands touched his arms, fingers ghosting up to his shoulders before sliding one through his hair. Felix smiled, leaning forward to kiss Locus once more - as light a touch as his fingers. All the urgency had been drained from him, and Locus counted it as a sign of his success.

Felix was radiant, lying on his back. His hair was a mess, eyes half-shut, and the smile he wore was lazy and sly. But he fixed this look on Locus, one that screamed his bliss; it was evident to Locus, so clear in his eyes that Locus thought he would stay here forever if he could only drink in Felix for eternity.

Reality, however, liked to tell him otherwise. Locus was laying heavy on Felix, pressing their sweaty skin together. The heat between them was starting to be uncomfortable, and the hand on his shoulder began to feel sticky. Locus planted another kiss on Felix’s mouth before pushing up, moving away. He sat on his heels for a moment, taking in the sight of Felix so relaxed before him, and then he turned to stand from the bed.

“Where you going?” Felix asked. Even his voice was lazy - but there was a pleasant vibration to it. Something that swam in his words that made Locus’s heart surge. Locus glanced back at Felix, caught that lazy smile again, and decided Felix was satisfied.

He had managed to satisfy Felix tonight. He was the cause of that quiet delight that was so evident in Felix’s eyes.

He said, “I’m going to shower,” and started to turn back around. The rustling of the bedsheets and a subtle creak drew his attention back just in time to see Felix easing off the bed to stand beside him. “What are you doing?’

“I’m sweaty and gross,” Felix said, placing a hand on his chest. “Shower sounds nice, actually. Can I join you?”

Locus wasn’t sure if his shower was large enough for the two of them, but he said, “If you want.” He led Felix into the bathroom, pausing to take two towels from the closet, and then shortly found himself underneath the stream of water. Felix was before him, running hands through his hair, still smiling as water flowed down his face. He touched Locus’s stomach with slow, probing fingers that glided upward through the water over his chest.

For the most part, they spent the shower standing beneath the warm water and touching one another with wandering hands. Felix gripped his hips, sinking nails into his skin, and Locus ran a hand from Felix’s neck to his shoulder, over the foreign lettering in shimmering gold. At one point, Felix pushed close, his head resting against Locus’s chest. Locus scraped his nails through Felix’s hair and over his scalp and caught the lines of intricate art on his back.

There was something about being with Felix that he enjoyed so much more than he had expected. Holding Felix close to him like this, with their naked bodies pressed together, it should have made him anxious. The medication he had taken earlier was helping, but Locus knew that with anyone else, doing anything like this would lead to a spark of anxiety that he wouldn’t be able to shake. Felix was moving in his arms, sighing against his chest and squeezing at his hips, and all Locus did was hum a small noise of encouragement.

Felix laughed, quietly, and Locus had the sudden realization that the anxiety wasn’t present. Felix was different. He didn’t come with the regular anxious thoughts attached to others and Locus couldn’t help but think it was because of his gender. He wasn’t a boy, or a girl. He was just Felix.

When the shower was over and both of them stood naked in his bathroom, that was when Locus had a full view of the art emblazoning Felix’s back. He stood there with a towel over his wet hair, gazing at the bird soaring across Felix’s shoulder blades. Wingtips touched his right shoulder, reaching for the foreign gold; the birds’ body covered a fair portion of left side of his back. An outline of a beautiful bird, so many details in light ink, and Locus couldn’t stop himself from reaching out. He ran fingers over the birds’ angry face,  and all Felix had to say was, “It’s a phoenix. I have to save up money to get it colored in.”

Locus remembered something Felix said earlier that night, about a tattoo and an appointment approaching fast, but the details seemed unimportant at the moment. He spread his hand over the bird - the phoenix - on Felix’s back, and then traced over the wingspan until Felix pulled away from him, drying off. “Did you draw it?” Locus asked, watching the bird move with Felix’s muscles.

“Course I did.” Felix shot him another smile, one that hinted at the dimples in his cheeks. “I’m not putting another person’s art on my body.”

“You have amazing talent,” Locus murmured.

The smile on Felix’s face grew, and there were those dimples again. Another thing that made Felix far more attractive than he had any right to be. “Hell yeah I do,” he said.

Locus didn’t ask about the gold tattoo until they were back in his room, after he had pulled on another pair of underwear and found his discarded pants. Felix was in the process of picking up his own clothes - and giving Locus a spectacular view of his ass as he did. When Felix spoke, he sounded almost bored: “Oh, that one.” He sighed, sitting on Locus’s bed with his shirt and jacket in his lap. “It’s a name. Don’t worry about it.”

“You do realize that an answer like that is only going to make someone more curious, don’t you?” He really was curious, not just about the tattoo but about Felix himself. It was as if sleeping with Felix had made Locus yearn to know everything about him.

“It’s good to keep a little mystery,” was the only answer he got from Felix.

Not even two minutes later, Felix had set his clothes on top of his sketchbook and asked Locus for a snack. And Locus had told him, “I’m afraid you’ll have to be clothed to leave the room,” watching the annoyed look on Felix’s face end with a childish eye roll and over excessive sigh. He didn’t pull on his own clothes, opting instead to go through Locus’s dresser and pull on a pair of Locus’s old sweatpants.

Locus said nothing about how absurdly long those pants were for Felix. He didn’t talk about how adorable it was that Felix was shuffling after him, didn’t tell Felix that the fact that the pants hung low on his hips was cute rather than alluring. They ate at the kitchen counter after Felix hoisted himself up, bowls of reheated pasta that Felix dubbed as passable. They didn’t talk. The silence was calm, and there was a sense that each of them was winding down steadily. That was more obvious than ever once they returned to Locus’s room and Felix headed straight for the bed.

It took several minutes for Locus to situate things for the night, from shutting the computer off to brushing his teeth. He nudged Felix off his bed then, insistent that Felix prepare for bed as well, and he found out at that moment that Felix’s bag was packed with all the essentials necessary to spend the night. He pulled out a toothbursh, toothpaste, even travel sized floss and mouthwash. To explain himself, he told Locus it was always packed that way. And even if he had said he only brought things to entertain himself, Locus should be glad he was prepared. “No shared toothbrushes,” Felix said.

Locus didn’t argue the point. He let Felix use the bathroom first. By the time he was finished and had turned the bedroom light out, Felix was already underneath the covers, blankets pulled around him. The lamp on his bedside table was on, throwing a much softer light on Felix. He watched Locus come to the bedside, only moving when Locus told him too. Where Felix laid at first was almost exactly in the center of the bed, the perfect place to take up as much space as possible. There, lying next to Felix in his bed, Locus turned his head to stare into Felix’s eyes. A shade of brown that looked darker in the light of the lamp, Felix’s eyes, together with that lazy smile on his face, radiated contentment. He had one arm tucked under his head, and other lying between them. Locus reached for him, trailing fingers up Felix’s arm and watching that smirk morph to a smile.

Felix said, “We gotta do that again, okay?”

Locus didn’t answer. He was too busy running fingers up to Felix’s elbow, over the freckles that dotted the skin. The tattoo at Felix’s shoulder caught his eye and he started to move to trace over it again, but then Felix turned his hand over. His fingers, cool and light, pressed against Locus’s arm.

“Or you can just touch me all night,” Felix mused. “I’m alright with that, really.”

He thought about telling Felix to be quiet, not to ruin how calm and pleasant this was. He thought about saying that he didn’t know when he would be up for having sex again. Instead, he leaned over and kissed Felix, enjoying the way Felix’s eyes lit up when he pulled back. He said, “You’re noisy.”

Felix’s hand tightened on his arm. “You mean, like, during sex? Or just in general?”

“Both.”

Felix responded by kissing Locus’s jaw, then again at his cheek. Under the covers, Locus’s legs brushed against Felix’s and he was struck by the sudden realization that Felix was likely naked again beneath the blankets.

Both of them were sitting up now, Felix reaching for him with cool hands, palms skating up his arms as they kissed. Soon, Felix had a hand in his hair, twisting strands around his fingers. Locus sighed, letting Felix tug his hair lightly. “Don’t pull,” he said.

Felix hummed, tugging again. Almost as if he was testing Locus.

“You’re being ridiculous,” he said, still tracing up Felix’s arm.

He could hear the grin in Felix’s voice. “Don’t be an asshole.”

Locus saw the mark on Felix’s arm before understanding what it was: a scar, long and jagged at the end, up near the inside of his elbow. He traced over it, feeling Felix’s fingers falling out of his hair. After a few moments in silence, he said, “What is this scar?”

Felix was quiet. In the corner of his eye, Locus could see his head turn to look. Locus wasn’t sure what he expected, but what Felix gave wasn’t enough. He said, “When I was fifteen, I punched a window,” and left it at that. It was quiet, casual almost, and Locus wasn’t entirely sure he believed it. Felix was frowning at his arm when Locus looked to him, and he knew he shouldn’t ask anything else about it. If Felix was lying, it must be for a good reason. If it was just that he punched a window, well… he could see Felix doing that.

The silence felt heavier. Locus moved forward to kiss Felix, but the lighthearted tone of their affection had disappeared, and Felix’s response was barely there. His eyes were still bright when Locus gazed at him, but he avoided direct eye contact and, seconds later, pulled back from Locus entirely.

“I think we should sleep,” he said, falling back onto the bed. He rolled onto his stomach, laid his head on a pillow, and looked up at Locus. It was as if he was waiting.

There was a touch of anxiety trying to perk up, but Locus ignored it, lying beside Felix. He watched until Felix raised his hand to run through Locus’s hair, watched as Felix smiled - and it was visible how tired Felix was in that smile. Locus watched as Felix yawned, stretched, and shifted around underneath the blankets. He caught Felix’s eye one last time, as the other nudged his leg with one foot, and then Felix was falling asleep.

Locus watched Felix sleep and fought against the anxiety trying to nag at his mind. It didn’t matter if what he had asked upset Felix, it didn’t matter if Felix had lied to him or not. What mattered was that he had jumped over a hurdle and slept with this person, and that Felix had stayed with him even after he had so clearly disappointed. Felix was there, close enough that Locus could reach over and set a hand on Felix’s shoulder, smoothing his palm over the skin. He ran his hand over Felix’s shoulder and onto his back, over the tattoo that stood out in dark ink. Focusing on Felix was a better alternative than letting his anxiety keep him awake questioning everything about the night.

He had seen Felix sleep before, but it struck him now how peaceful Felix looked as he slept. How vulnerable and soft, how his youth was obvious. Locus ran his fingers through the edge of Felix’s hair, and decided that a sleeping Felix was the greatest thing he had seen this entire week.


	12. swinging from the stars

Felix ate breakfast twice. The first was with Locus, when he was grouchy and tired; the second was when he opened his apartment door to find Wash at the stove. He demanded food that time - and coffee, naturally. He tried to hint at the situation, of being up early, being in the same clothes he had left in yesterday, and the stolen blanket once again stuffed into his bag.

Wash didn’t take the bait, though. Wash never took the bait. “Just eat your food,” Wash said as he fixed his plate. He had made eggs and sausage, and at Felix’s insistence, some bacon as well. It was good but could be better. He could had made biscuits, because then he and Felix could have enjoyed sausage and egg biscuits right at home.

So Felix ate his second breakfast of the day in silence, drinking from the cup of coffee that Wash hadn’t let him put milk in. A shame. Milk was always a better creamer for coffee, even if his body didn’t like it. He had hoped that the coffee would wake him up, but all that happened was two helpings of breakfast left him tired and overstuffed. He watched Wash leave for classes, and then ended up laying his head on the table, arms folded.

Sleep was right there, but so was the caffeine buzzing in his veins.

He was still lying there when Tucker left his room around nine, though by then Felix was half-asleep. He met Tucker’s eyes for a second but said nothing. Tucker stayed silent too, just the sound of cabinets opening and dishes clinking while he made himself some poor excuse for a breakfast. It was looking as if no one was going to say anything at all, but then Sister came stumbling out of Tucker’s open door. For once, she was dressed - a tank top over shorts that were probably once Tucker’s boxers, but it was something.

She took one look at Felix and then sank into the chair beside him. “You’re up early,” she said.

“Got kicked out,” Felix sighed. He lifted his head up from the table to look at her and shrugged. “Guess some people don’t appreciate me staying over all night.”

Sister smiled and gave one quiet giggle as a response. Clearly, she wasn’t awake enough to understand what Felix wanted from her. And that was a shame, since she was supposed to be the one to appreciate the situation. At the very least, he should have gotten some sympathy for being tossed out so early in the morning. When Tucker joined them, he had two plates - one for himself, the other for Sister. They ate with minimal talk, leaving Felix to sigh and spend another few minutes in silence. And now that he had mentioned it, all he could think about was when he had woken up to Locus’s blaring alarm.

The thing had gone off at six thirty, ruining Felix’s sleep and leaving him disoriented. For a moment, he had forgotten that he wasn’t in his bed, that the blankets curled around him weren’t his own. But then there had been Locus shifting beside him, responding to Felix’s irritated demands to shut the noise off.

It had been nice to have the silence back then, until Locus told him to get up, he couldn’t stay there when Locus wasn’t home. Felix had tried to reason for sleep - “You go to class. I’ll be here when you get home.” - but it didn’t work. He had ended up leaving Locus’s apartment before seven thirty, in the same clothes he had worn there. He had taken the blanket too, saying, “If I can’t stay and sleep, it’s coming with me,” when Locus tried to take it back.

Felix would have preferred that Locus not go to class at all. He would have been okay with the alarm if Locus had stayed in bed, gotten close to him, kept him warm under the covers. Only issue there was that Locus was a nerd and actually got up in the mornings for classes.

So Felix was left here. Tired. Sitting with people who ignored him. He played with the piercing in his nose while he thought, frowning at how tender it was even now. After Tucker rose to take his dishes away, Felix said to Sister, “I forgot to clean my piercing last night.”

She shot him an unimpressed look. “So? Do it now.”

“I was, ah… preoccupied last night.”

Sister had a mouthful of food now and just stared at him.

Felix sighed. So much for subtlety. “I fucked Locus,” he said. That, surely, would get a good reaction.

Sister paused, nodded, and gave him a thumbs up.

What a fucking disappointment. He frowned at her, she shoved more food into her mouth, and then Felix slumped back in his chair. “That’s all?” he said. “All I get is a thumbs up?”

Whatever she tried to say next, it was with a mouth full of food. She only stopped when Tucker spoke up from the kitchen. “No one cares about who you have sex with. Literally no one. Stop telling people.”

Felix turned his head just to catch Tucker looking at him. “Tell me, Tucker,” he said, “were you born a huge jackass?”

“Oh shut up - “

“ ‘Cause I gotta say, you must have had a lot of practice to get to where you are now.”

“You’re a bigger jackass than I am!”

“I also got laid last night,” Felix said smugly. “That’s more than you got.” He was sure of that, since Sister always ended up passing out drunk somewhere after long parties. And there was no way Tucker could anyone else into bed.

Somehow, this was very important right now. Probably because he had finally fucked Locus and not a single person was willing to rejoice in this with him. Not even throw him a bone, pretend they cared. It was just ‘shut up, Felix’, ‘stop talking about sex, Felix’. So upsetting. He sat there, frowning, and watched Tucker go back into his room. Sister was slurping up food noisily and Felix just couldn’t take it anymore. He picked up his stuff, grumbled a “See you later,” to Sister, and dragged himself to his bedroom.

Felix collapsed on his bed, pulling Locus’s blanket with him. He paused to sit up and untie his boots, and then back down he went, curling up on his side with the blanket in his hands. It still smelled like his room, like himself, and that was disappointing. Taking it to Locus last night was meant to be a cover for letting it absorb Locus’s scent. And then he would have taken it back and that’d be that.  

And then they had fucked.

And he had forgotten about it.

Felix sighed deeply, shrugging his jacket off without sitting up. He thought that, even if he had forgotten about the blanket, last night had been wonderful. Maybe not up to par with the ridiculous fantasies he had had for the past couple of months, but really good. Locus was fantastic in every thing he did - though Felix would have to help him gain some more stamina. He thought of how to do just that, whether he should deny Locus an orgasm the next time they did something, and slowly closed his eyes.

He fell asleep thinking of Locus, of the sex they had last night. In his dreams, the sky was exploding while the two of them flew away in a ship. In his dreams, they kissed and a brilliant star took the place of his heart. It left a strange feeling in his chest when he woke later, an almost pulsating ache that he wouldn’t let himself think about.

He knew what it meant even if he had spent most of his time blatantly refusing to admit it. He knew why he was so keen on just kissing Locus, being with Locus, and why having sex with Locus had felt so great. It was why there was an unfinished sketch of the man in his notebook, one he had drawn last night after he had finished the tattoo. There was no other reason for him to look at Locus and think that this man was so gorgeous he had to draw him.

It was a crush, a stupid fleeting thing that would pass soon. This type of thing always did.

Rather than think about it, Felix ran with it while it lasted. For the next few days, he had work in the mornings, which meant he got off around the same time Locus was home from classes. It meant that he took the bus to and from work, as the snow made it too cold to drive his motorcycle, and then he went to Locus’s apartment instead of his own and distracted Locus from his homework. He spent pretty much every night that week with Locus, watching bad movies while Locus tried to write, working on sketches while Locus did homework, and dragging Locus into his bed to try and get anything to happen.

Most of the time, they just kissed and curled up together for a while. Felix was fine with that, because - again - there was snow and it was cold. And he was cold, like all the time now, so getting close to Locus and the heat he gave off was great.

There was one night where Locus gave him a blowjob, and that was fantastic. Did absolutely nothing to quell the silly, lingering crush he had.

December came with a snowstorm, with Locus telling Felix he couldn’t come over every night anymore. “Finals are this week,” he said. He looked at Felix with tired, anxious eyes, and Felix had agreed to leave him be for a bit.

He thought he’d entertain himself with his usual hookups - but both the boy and the girl he hit up brushed him off for the same thing. Fucking finals. He received one promise of a good night on Thursday from Miguel, his drug dealing fuckbuddy, and a note from the girl that she was going home right after finals and wouldn’t be back until January. Which left Felix alone with the increasing amount of snow on the ground, and increasing hours at work as the holidays drew closer. HIs roommates withdrew into their own studies too, the pressure of the semester ending making both of them more irritated than usual.

It was fine, him being alone while everyone else studied. Even if he was bored most of the day, and annoyed after work nearly every evening. On his day off that week, Felix went to see his tattoo artist, handing over the sketch that would soon be a tattoo covering part of his right arm. Colors were applied to the phoenix on his back then, a long session that would be followed up with more long sessions as soon as Felix got his next paycheck.

Which would hopefully be soon. He had been scheduled for longer hours for the rest of the month to help with the usual holiday chaos. There should be a good sized paycheck coming up.

The next day, he joined Locus for lunch at a small cafe near the college campus. There, with his feet cold even with heavy boots on, Felix warmed his hands on a cup of coffee and said, “Everyone’s leaving in, like, a week.” He meant his roommates and Sister. “Going home for the holidays, I guess.”

Locus’s version of a lunch was a toasted sandwich and hot apple cider. There were snowflakes caught in his hair, littered on the hood of his jacket. “A lot of people are,” he said. “Grey is leaving as well. Going to visit her family, and then on a ski vacation with her girlfriends.”

Felix nodded slowly, then frowned. “...Wait, wait. Grey. And her… girlfriends?”

“Yes.”

“Like, plural?”

“Yes.” Locus was staring at him, brow furrowed. “Wasn’t I clear enough?”

Felix stared at his coffee cup. “Is Grey a lesbian?”

“Yes.”

“Since when?”

“Birth, I would assume.”

When Felix looked at him, Locus was trying to hide a smirk behind his drink. “Yeah, alright, smartass,” he said, flicking a piece of his burger across the table. “Stupid question, I know.”

“Is this a common thing for you? Asking questions when the answer is obvious?”

“Asshole.” He was smiling, though. Locus was laughing quietly, the sound just barely loud enough for him to hear. It was nice to hear, somehow nicer with the knowledge that no one else in this little cafe could hear it.

He forgot to ask if Locus was leaving as well, and didn’t remember until after he had gotten back to the apartment. The very last of his meat, what had been frozen and stored away, was in the oven when Felix texted to see if this would be yet another year where he spent the holidays alone and watching Netflix until the early morning hours.

Locus’s answer came an hour later and said that he was planning to leave soon. He asked if Felix was going home, and Felix conveniently forgot to reply.

✹ ✹ ✹

The weekend after finals was when everyone was planning to leave. First was Wash, who announced he was leaving right when he was standing at the door with Maine. Together, they held three suitcases, and Felix wondered if they were going on some dumb couples vacation or if Wash just packed a lot of clothes. He had a bag over his shoulders too. The strap dug into his chest as he handed Felix an envelope. “That’s three hundred,” he said, “for the rent. Don’t spend it on anything else.”

Felix took the envelope with a scoff. “Yeah, y’know, surprisingly, I am not as irresponsible as you people seem to think I am.”

“Just pay the rent in full,” Wash told him. Maine was holding the door open for him, waiting for him. “I’ll make it up to you when I get back.”

“Yeah, I’m sure it’ll be great.”

The door shut just as Wash was wishing him a happy holidays. It sounded rushed, like he had suddenly remembered that decent people don’t just leave their roommate with an order to pay rent. After he left, the apartment was quiet, but not for long.

That same day was also when Sister stopped by for one last time. She was leaving as well, but tomorrow morning. Going to Hawaii, she said, with that noisy fatass brother of hers. “We’ve got family there,” she told Felix. “It’s gonna be the longest fuckin’ ride, though, like. Seriously.”

They were sharing a bottle of Christmas wine, which was part of her gift to him, along with a nice set of pencils to use for his sketches. He almost felt bad that all he had to give her was a hundred dollar bill, but she seemed happy enough. “Plane rides aren’t so bad,” Felix answered. “You can just sleep through the whole thing, or play games, or watch a movie - “

“Dex is gonna be a bitch about the airplane food,” she whined. “I don’t wanna deal with that!”

“Hey, he’s your brother. You’re supposed to love family.”

Sister groaned in an over-dramatic fashion, even going so far as to lay her head down on the table while she complained some more. Felix let her, refreshing her drink before he stood to get some food out of the fridge. He came back with the leftovers of the food he had cooked two days before. The meat was getting tough, but it was still good.

It was a pretty good night, until Tucker came home and dragged her off into the bedroom. Felix assumed it was their last fuck before Sister left and they were apart for the month. Fucking saps. At least it opened up the living room for him, letting him watch whatever he wanted on high volume. He watched horror movies while trying to ignore how stupid it was that he was watching ghost movies during the Christmas season.

The next morning, Tucker woke him up ridiculously early to help load Sister’s stuff into his car. He drove her off to the airport before eight in the morning, and still was just coming home when Felix was preparing to leave for work. It was past noon, and Tucker threw open the door and stumbled in with mail in one hand and a box of takeout in the other. “Hey,” he said, raising the hand with the food. “Want some?”

“Can’t, have to go to work.”

Tucker shrugged, setting the food down on the counter. “You got a card,” he said. “Or a letter, fuck if I know. Think it’s from your parents.”

Felix made a face, zipping up his jacket. “Fuck, burn it,” he said. “No, wait. Is there money?”

“How should I know?” Tucker flicked through the mail before he found a single envelope, holding it out for Felix. He was smirking when Felix took it from him. “Nice name, by the way. White as hell.”

“Yeah, yeah, fuck off.” He ripped it open and pulled out a card, just like Tucker had said. He didn’t bother reading it, but there was a hundred dollar Amazon gift card in it. Good enough. He pocketed that, ripped the card in half, and tossed it into the garbage.

Tucker watched him do it while opening his food. Rather than say anything about it, he just tapped the rest of the mail on the counter. “Bills,” he said. “I can wire you some money for the rent in about a week, but you gotta cover the rest.”

Felix had his keys in his hand, ready to walk in the cold snow to the bus station again, but he stopped to glare at Tucker. “What? No. That’s like four bills.”

“You’re gonna be the only one here.”

“So? Fuck you, give me some money to help.”

Tucker ignored him, shoving fries into his mouth. He said, “Me and Wash can pick up a lot in January in return, so y’know. Don’t go crazy with your money. I’d like heat when I get back.”

“I fucking hate you,” Felix said.

“Yeah, I hate you too.” Tucker was moving further into the kitchen, opening a cabinet to grab a plate. “Just pay the bills.”

Felix grumbled another curse. One hand rested on the doorknob when he asked, “When are you leaving?”

“Few days.”

“Can I use your car while you’re gone?”

Tucker stared at him for a few seconds, like this was a weighted question that required a lot of thinking. “Sure,” he said finally, “but you better not fuck it up.”

Four days later was when Tucker left, early in the morning on the fifteenth. Unlike the others, he took a train to his parents house. It was just outside the city, about an hour or two by car, but he swore it was simpler to just stay for a couple of weeks than it would be to drive back and forth. It didn’t matter to Felix one way or the other. He still had to wake up and drive Tucker to the station - had to if he wanted to use the car - and he would still have the apartment to himself until past Christmas. He thought the twenty-eighth was when Wash would be back home, but until then, it was just him.

And there was something odd about being the only person to stay around for the holidays. As he watched Tucker board the train, Felix thought that watching everyone leave just made it painfully obvious how the people he knew were college students away from home. When even his fuckbuddies were leaving, that was one hell of a sign that he should make more friends outside of the school.

Felix stopped for a quick mid-morning meal before going home, eating by the windows of the same cafe he had met Locus in for lunch a few days ago. He had the feeling that he was the only one his age in there, even though that couldn’t be true. In a city as large as Armonia, people as young as him were everywhere. Still couldn’t shake the feeling that it was going to be a very long couple of weeks for him. He texted Miguel as he sat there, seeking some kind of distraction, but even that guy was busy. The person that would invite Felix along while he sold drugs was currently too busy with holidays and family shit to give Felix attention.

How fucking disappointing.

At the apartment, he parked Tucker’s car right next to the building. Easy to do now that people were leaving. He trudged through the store to the stairs, and ended up passing Grey on the way up. She was lugging two bags down and grinned when she saw him. “You’re leaving too?” he asked.

“Oh, yes!” She told him how, starting tomorrow, she’d be introducing her family to both of her girlfriends. “It’ll be so stressful,” she said, her grin fading as she talked. She stared at him like this was such a serious moment, and that Felix would need to digest every word she said. “But totally worth it. It’s always worth it if you really care for someone.”

“That’s nice.” Felix shifted his weight, glancing away from her unrelenting gaze.  “Locus said you were going on a ski trip.”

“I am! Next week.” She left him a generic happy holidays wish, and then told him in that super serious tone of hers that he should go visit Locus. “Spend some time together before he leaves too,” she said, brushing past him with her heavy bags. “And try and make it a good holiday, okay? For both of you.”

He didn’t dignify that with an answer, just shrugged deeper into his coat and climbed the stairs.

That night, Felix ordered pizza and wished he had anything to make time go by faster. The apartment was quiet, all the lights off except for the television. He didn’t bother with messaging Locus, or even going next door to see him. It was stupid, but it was just to avoid having to see someone else off for the holidays. He might not know how long it’d be before Locus was gone, but he still didn’t care to be there to watch him leave. He fell asleep on the couch, wearing a jacket he had taken from Locus and never given back, and woke up several hours later with the TV still on.

For the next two days, Felix went to work in the mornings and didn’t come home until the early evenings. He was developing a very strong dislike for people, especially idiots who tried to argue with him over the prices on the latest game their brat child wanted for Christmas. He ordered takeout, turned the TV on for some noise, and texted Locus things about what he was doing, when they could hang out again, and oh yeah, what was Locus getting him for Christmas?

The answers to those, in order: Packing, anytime before Tuesday, and whatever Felix wanted that was under twenty dollars. “Fuckin’ cheap,” Felix muttered to himself. He changed the subject then, trying to convince Locus to call while he was gone. It wasn’t going so well.

A shame, ‘cause if Locus had called at any time, Felix would have devoted a good portion of the time to getting him to agree to phone sex. He thought about listening to Locus’s low voice purring obscene things over the phone, and then Felix took advantage of an empty apartment and jacked off in the living room.

✹ ✹ ✹

There was one big problem that was surfacing lately. The more time Felix spent in his empty apartment, the more time he spent alone or at work, the more his days started to blur together. He knew when he worked, and what time to be there. He knew what days he had off - like, one a week, usually - but by the time he was awake and on the move, he’d end up forgetting the actual day itself. The past week was a rundown mess of working and watching movies. There had been one night where he had gone out with Locus again for dinner, and then to the movies, but that night had ended with Felix nearly falling asleep on Locus’s shoulder in the movie.

He couldn’t remember what night that had been, anyway. Friday or Saturday, he was sure. Either way, it had been several days ago, and Felix hadn’t seen much of Locus since then.

The whole thing with the blurred together days, though, was getting on his nerves. It hadn’t been that long since everyone had left, but it was still fucking with him. Maybe the workload was getting to him. Maybe the piles of snow outside and his eternal hatred for all of it had finally fried his brain.

Maybe it was just the time of year, with the constant Christmas carols ringing through the air and the knowledge that most everyone else in the world was gathering with their family. Everyone he would usually waste time with, make plans with, they had all left and Felix was left in Armonia with very few people to talk to in person. It really could just be that without other people there, Felix had no reason to keep up with the days. He didn’t have to keep in mind anyone else’s schedule but his own.

Whatever it was, it was bullshit.

Felix left his apartment one morning positive that no one else was there. That everyone he knew had already left, and he would have been free to roll around in the snow naked if the desire had been there. He was planning to just go get the mail from the community building, maybe treat himself to some sweets at the nearest store. Stepping out of his apartment, he found that he was just in time to catch Locus coming up the stairs.

He froze, staring at Locus. Three things occurred to him in quick succession. The first: If Locus was still here, what day was it?; second: Locus seemed just as surprised to see him standing there; the last was that Felix was standing there in a ridiculous sweater at least two sizes too big for him.

He was wearing something no one was meant to see him in, and the one person who had to see him was fucking Locus. He started to talk, but everything came out stuttered and broken; he was sure his face was turning red. He watched Locus’s eyes track down his sweater and took a step back toward his apartment. “I’ll uh… I’m gonna leave, and uh…” But Locus was smiling at him, at the stupid sweater, and Felix could feel the heat rising in his cheeks. He stumbled over his words again, turned to leave, and then there was a hand on his arm pulling him back. “Shit!”

Locus pulled him back until Felix was pressed against his chest, wrapping an arm around him. Felix cursed, fighting and said, “No, Locus! Stop!”

With his other hand, Locus reached out to pull Felix’s door closed. With Felix squirming in his grasp, he said, “What are you wearing?”

“Nothing. Let me go.”

Locus laughed and Felix felt his chest shaking against his back. “I think you should come over,” he said. “I haven’t seen you in a while, and apparently in that time, you’ve gotten an interesting fashion sense.”

Felix’s face was on fire by now, and he was glaring at his door. The sweater he wore was one of many silly Christmas themed sweaters he had collected. Things he wore when no one else was around. Each one was warm, comfortable, and bought one or two sizes larger than his typical clothes for added comfort. Any of them would be embarrassing to be seen in.

But this one had two reindeer stags touching noses under a mistletoe on the front. This was the gay deer sweater. No one was supposed to know the gay deer sweater existed. Except now he was being held tight by Locus, who had absolutely seen the gay deer in question.

Locus said, “Aren’t you going to lock your apartment?” The amusement was still thick in his voice.

Felix grumbled a curse, breaking out of Locus’s grip. For a second, he thought about disappearing into his apartment and not coming back out until he was sure Locus was actually gone. At the very least, he could swap this stupid sweater for something less awful. The open invitation to spend time with Locus was enough to have him fish his keys from his pocket and lock the door. He tried not to think about how he was basically giving his stupid crush one more time to enjoy Locus’s presence before he stomped it out. He followed Locus then, pulling one sleeve over his hand; it wasn’t hard, the damn sweater was just the right size to fall over his hands.

He was sure he looked ridiculous, but there in Locus’s quiet apartment, Felix wasn’t as worried about that as he thought he would have been. It was like once he had been seen in the damn thing, it wasn’t that important. Damage was already done.  Locus was asking if he wanted something warm to drink, but Felix’s answer was, “Why are you still here?”

Locus raised his eyebrows. “I’m not leaving until tomorrow.”

“You said you were leaving Tuesday.” He was still standing in front of the door, staring Locus down. He was positive that the asshole should already be gone, that he should be alone right now.

“Yes,” Locus said slowly. “It’s Monday.”

Felix blanked for a second, frowning. He tilted his head, squinting at Locus, and said, “What the fuck.” So, he had been a day early. At some point, his fucked up sense of time had told it was Tuesday when it wasn’t. “I’m a fucking idiot,” he said, still staring at Locus intensely. “I thought you were gone.”

“I assume you would have left by now, too,” Locus said. He was boiling water in the coffee pot as he spoke, apparently no longer waiting for an answer from Felix. “Everyone else has, at least.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I know.”

Locus didn’t press the issue again, not until he was mixing up hot chocolate, until he was pressing a warm mug into Felix’s hands. Felix was still processing the fact that he was still here when Locus spoke again. “Why haven’t you left yet?” he asked, steering Felix around the kitchen counter and to the couch.

Felix took a sip of the drink - too hot to just chug, sadly. But very sweet, even had some marshmellows thrown in. “I’m not leaving,” he said quietly, not meeting Locus’s gaze. There was the smallest flare of nerves in his gut then as he sat there, feeling Locus close beside him and wishing desperately that he wouldn’t have to talk about this.

All Locus did was hum, a low noise from deep in his throat. He was silent for a moment, then said, “I’m sure you have your reasons.”

The sigh Felix released was louder than he had expected, and he felt Locus’s hand land on his back between his shoulderblades. He stared at his mug, feeling Locus’s hand sweep up to the back of his neck. “Holidays suck,” he said after a long silence. “I’d rather be alone. Easier to deal with things that way.”

Locus spread his fingers over Felix’s neck, brushing light against the skin. “Will you really be alone?”

“Yeah.” Felix paused to drink from the mug, relishing the warmth that flooded through him instantly. “But it’s cool. It’ll always be like this, and like I said - it’s better this way, y’know? Won’t have to deal with anything I hate.”

Running into Locus when he expected to already be alone had thrown him off a little. The irritation at watching others leave was stronger than ever, and Felix despised it. No matter how hard he tried not to, he kept thinking that Locus would be gone tomorrow and he wasn’t doing anything to change that by sitting here. Complicated, stupid thoughts that tied into his emotions. Absolutely the worst. He would much rather focus on the fact that someone was here, even if just for a bit. Hell, even the drink was better than this.

Locus said his name and Felix drained the rest of his hot chocolate instead of answering. It practically burned his mouth, but it was good. And it meant that he wasn’t going to spew out more shit about how he’d be alone, and how he was totally okay with how much that would suck. No, really. Not bothering him at all.

When he finally looked to Locus, though, what the guy said was, “However you plan on spending your holidays, I have to ask you one thing.” He lifted his hand to pluck at the collar of Felix’s sweater, the lightest smile on his face. “What is with this sweater?”

That was a shock. Somehow, Felix had forgotten what he was wearing. He placed one hand on his chest, where he knew the design of the two stags was, frowning. Locus had reached over to pull the mug from his hand, sitting on the coffee table. “It’s a Christmas sweater,” he said.

“It has two deer kissing on it.”

“Yeah. So?”

Locus was laughing, that quiet barely-there laugh of his.

Felix felt the heat in his cheeks again and glared. “Shut up! I didn’t think you were here, okay? Not like I leave my apartment expecting people to _see_ me in this.” He shoved Locus away from him, crossing his arms over the design of the deer. “Everyone’s supposed to be gone,” he said, glancing away to frown at the blank TV instead. “Thought I was free to wear stupid sweaters.” Locus kissed his cheek then, and Felix squirmed away, grumbling. “Stop.”

“You’re adorable,” Locus said. He wrapped an arm around Felix, pulling him close, and kissed his face again.

“I am not cute,” Felix snarled. “Shut up.”

“Oh, yes. Very cute.” He eased one hand under Felix’s crossed arms, pressing against his chest. “In a very cute sweater.”

Felix’s face felt like it was on fire. “I hate you so much.”

“Might need to take a picture.”

He knew Locus wasn’t going to suddenly snap a photo of him - pretty sure, anyway. Like, ninety percent sure. Still, Felix broke away from Locus and scooted back on the couch. He reached for the bottom of the sweater, planning to just take it off while he was here, but then Locus was next to him. Felix stared at him, wary, but Locus just pulled his hands away from the sweater. Locus held his hands, and Felix was disgusted at how much he enjoyed it.

There wasn’t much time to focus on it anyway, since Locus then leaned in and kissed him. When he tried to pull back, Felix slipped his hands away to reach up and hold Locus still. Held him in place and kissed him again, kissed him until Locus had an arm around him.

There were definitely worse ways to kill a morning than making out with a guy who still tasted of hot chocolate. Even if he was still in this stupid sweater.

✹ ✹ ✹

In just over twelve hours, Locus was going to be on the way to his parents house for a week. Anything he needed was already packed, sitting against the wall in his room to be carried out tomorrow morning. His only plans for today had been to recheck, for the fourth time, that he hadn’t missed anything. He was going to make sure everything in the apartment was ready to sit here untouched until he came back. Little things that the anxiety urged him to fuss over, and that Locus wasn’t going to fight - doing such simple tasks would help keep him calm.

At least until he was behind the wheel of his car. Then, well on his way, he would have those nagging thoughts that he had forgotten something. Either forgotten to pack or forgotten to clean up, maybe even that he had forgotten to lock the place.

All the time between then, however, would have been easy and simple.

Except now there was Felix, sitting on his couch again in the most ridiculous sweater, kissing him and distracting him in the best way possible.

Felix had upended his plans the instant Locus had laid eyes on him that morning. It should have been absurd, and Locus should have fought against it more, but there was something to Felix that always dragged him in. A gravitational pull that took hold of him and kept him in place, locked onto Felix as much as possible. This had to be why, rather than letting Felix leave, Locus had grabbed him. Why he had kissed Felix out of nowhere, why the kisses lasted until Felix was on his back and Locus was hovering over him. Felix breathed heavy between kisses, but his arms were around Locus’s neck, hands in his hair, pulling him back for one more kiss after another. Steady kisses, absent of any deliberate hunger.

Locus had a hand over Felix’s chest, on the printing of the deer that covered his sweater. He moved from Felix’s mouth to kiss down his neck, a slow trail with lips dragging. Felix hummed his approval, shifting under him, and Locus’s hand brushed from his chest to his stomach, past the sweater and then under it. The shirt Felix wore beneath was thin, he could tell from the touch. The instant his fingers pressed against his stomach, Felix gave a high-pitched, strangled noise, something he tried and failed to muffle.

That noise single-handedly killed whatever mood they had fallen into. Locus lifted himself up on one hand, keeping the other pressed to Felix’s stomach. “What,” he asked, “was that?”

Felix shook his head. “No, don’t worry about it. Kiss me again.” His eyes were focused on Locus’s mouth, and he tried to pull Locus back down.

Instead, Locus shifted his fingers, digging in, and watched Felix twitch, watched him fight back another strangled noise. “Hm. I remember something,” he said quietly, leaning down to kiss Felix’s cheek. “You’re ticklish.”

Felix’s gaze grew sharp in an instant. “No,” he said. “No, Locus, don’t you fucking do it.“

Locus moved his fingers an inch, intending to just watch Felix’s reaction again. And then Felix laughed - quietly, barely there at all. He cursed, hands pushing at Locus’s shoulders. Locus made what he was sure was the best choice. What would be the point of knowing Felix was so ticklish if he didn’t take advantage of it at least once? It was worth Felix’s curses to listen to his laughter, to hear his pleas for Locus to stop fade in breathless, ringing laughter.

He only stopped when Felix’s face was red, when he was panting and angry tears were at the corners of his eyes. The hands at his shoulders were more insistent now, Felix hissing at him to move, but Locus slid his arms around Felix instead. He lowered himself until he was lying on Felix, and smiled just inches from Felix’s face.

“Jackass,” Felix muttered. HIs hands were moving from Locus’s shoulders, skating over his back instead.

Locus said nothing. He looked at Felix as the redness faded from his face, and thought that having this person be so ticklish was too much. With the grins, the dimples, and the freckles, there was so much to Felix that was simply cute. Locus laid his head on Felix’s shoulder, wrenching an arm from under him to skim under Felix’s shirt - not tickling, not anymore. Just a way to touch him. He laid there and found himself thinking that somewhere in Felix, there must be one massive fault. Beyond the abrasive nature he had, something had to be lurking beneath the surface.

The thought might have been born from low, quiet string of anxiety that insisted that no one could be so endearingly adorable in so many ways without something worse being there.

Of course, it was Felix. And Felix had to know how charming he could be; the amount of flirting Locus had been subjected to in the few months was enough for him to know that. He started to think of just how Felix used his charm to his advantage, but the thought process was ruined by Felix nudging him with one leg.

“Hey,” he said. “I’m kind of hungry. We could order out, or - fuck, I dunno. There’s some cheap shit in my apartment.” Locus was drawing from him as he talked, sitting up straight. Felix mirrored his movements, shrugging as he sat up. The sweater hung lopsided on him, collar sitting right at his neck on one side and then far from it on the other. “I got mac-n-cheese and hamburger helper,” he said, “unless you wanna get pizza or Chinese or something.”

Locus had a better idea. “We can go out.”

Felix said, “Okay, but you’re paying.”

“Fine. But don’t pick somewhere expensive.”

Felix stuck his tongue out, sliding off the couch. He headed for the door, Locus after him. They didn’t leave immediately, as Locus had assumed. Felix went to his apartment, leaving Locus to stand in the doorway, watching as Felix made his way to his room. There was the option of following, but instead, Locus simply stood there, silent, pretending he didn’t feel awkward being in the empty apartment. A nagging thought occurred to him while he waited, something about Felix having to stay in this place that seemed so eerily quiet.

But then Felix came ambling out of his room with a jacket zipped up tight. The green edge of the sweater was hanging out underneath it, and Locus smirked at the thought that Felix had kept that foolish thing on. The silent apartment was forgotten as he followed Felix down the stairs.

They ate at this Italian place that Felix pointed out from the car. Ordering took longer than he had expected, simply because Felix took longer. He said, “I’ve never actually been here,” and then grilled their waiter for ingredients on four separate dishes. After that, it went smoothly, much the same as any other time he had eaten with Felix. They talked, but it was superficial. Felix asked what he was going to do while he was gone, Locus evaded giving a full answer. He asked if Felix had any plans himself, and was positive that Felix avoided the question entirely.

It was fine, though. This was nice, and the anxiety was barely present. He saw no need to push anything further, and let Felix derail the topic onto how he wanted to go on an island vacation someday.

On the ride home, Felix didn’t talk much, fiddling with the radio instead and cursing at Christmas songs through most of the stations. Once he found a station he liked, Felix settled back in the passenger seat and hoisted his feet onto the dashboard, ignoring when Locus told him not to. Then it was silent - comfortable, easy silence. It was broken by Felix suddenly slamming his feet to the car floor, pointing out the window, and insisting Locus stop at a department store.

Which was why, three hours after they left, the pair took the elevator back up. Each of them held bags, though Locus was sure his were the heavier ones. He felt Felix fish the keys out of his coat pocket as they arrived on their floor. In Locus’s apartment, all the bags were set on the table, Felix digging through them instantly. He had bought movies, a videogame, and a couple bottles of alcohol. The drinks had been paid for by Locus - had to be him, Felix was still too young. A fact that he was reminded of when Felix had turned to him in the store and asked if he could pay for just this one little thing.

Now, Locus asked what the point of all of this was, and Felix smiled. “This is, like, my Christmas gift to myself,” he insisted. “Besides, you can help yourself to this.” He shook the bottle of whiskey he held.  “Or we could have it for dinner, whichever.”

So Felix meant to spend the rest of the day here then.

That was made more obvious when Felix asked him which movie he’d like to watch first. Considering that his choices were made of up cliche horror films sold as a collection, Locus said, “None of those.”

“Aw, pick one.”

“I’m positive I can find something better on TV.”

Felix made a face. He held the DVD collection in one hand, and was starting to unzip his jacket with the other. “I’m not sitting through another one of your boring cop dramas.” He set the movies back down to pull the jacket off, throwing it over a chair, and Locus’s gaze went right to the deer on his sweater.

There was a beat before Felix sighed and added, “Stop staring at the gay deer!”

Locus laughed under his breath. “I can’t take you seriously in that.”

“Fine.” Felix shot him a brief dirty look before he took the bottom of his sweater in both hands and pulled it off swiftly. It tugged the shirt under it up, exposing a couple of inches of the pale skin of his stomach. The sweater, he set down over his jacket. The shirt under it was short-sleeved, and Felix rubbed a hand down his other arm, glancing at Locus. “I was serious about the alcohol,” he said. “We should share it. Have some before you go.”

“Maybe later.” He pulled his own jacket off, leaving it on another chair at the table. He made it no less than three steps into the living room before Felix was at his side, that damned horror movie collection in his hands. It was a really good collection, he was adamant about that, but he was also insistent that Locus pick one.

And when Locus refused, turning on the TV to find something else on, Felix rolled his eyes. “You’re so boring,” he said, sitting next to Locus. “Please, god, no cop dramas.”

“I don’t want to watch people being massacred.” Locus gave the boxset in Felix’s hand a frown as he spoke.

“It’s cool though,” Felix said absently.

Locus chose to ignore that.

They ended up watching what Felix claimed was a compromise. Not one of his horror movies, but some science fiction thriller that was filled with shock value and enough gore to count as one. The plot was mediocre, the acting subpar, and the alien looked like a badly constructed puppet. But Felix seemed interested, eyes glued to the TV. He hadn’t moved since the movie crept past the twenty-minute mark, when he had sidled up to Locus and claimed that without his sweater or jacket, it was cold. Locus had wrapped an arm around his waist, and that was when Felix had been drawn to the movie again.

He said, “She’s gonna die,” in this quiet, hushed voice.

Locus hummed lowly. The woman on screen was skinny, blonde, and looked completely unprepared to be in space at all let alone battle a monster. “Predictable.”

Felix swatted at his leg. “Shh, shut up.”

Together, they watched as the alien - monster? whatever - dragged the woman down a hallway. The lights flickered down that hallway, conveniently going black as she was pulled further along. Locus rolled his eyes. Beside him, Felix was laughing. He insulted the lady, then turned to grin at Locus. “Shit’s great, right?” he asked.

The fact that Felix was enjoying this did not surprise him. He only wished he had something else to do right now so he wouldn’t have to watch something so stupid.

He didn’t have to answer - Felix had turned back to the screen the instant someone else screamed. He was delighted at the chaos that was building in the movie, and Locus was finding it much more entertaining to watch the expressions lighting up Felix’s face. The way his eyes widened the instant before he laughed, how he wore this constant wry smile. He leaned against Locus, pressing against him, and Locus squeezed his side.

The movie played on, and Locus watched Felix as the crew of the spaceship slowly died. He drew his eyes over the lines of Felix’s face. It felt like the hundredth time he had looked at Felix so intensely, tried to memorize how bright his eyes shone even in darkness.

When the movie was over, Felix pulled away from his side just to lean up, and kiss him. He smirked when they separated. “Didn’t like the movie, huh?” he asked.

“It was terrible.”

“Yeah. At least they all died.” Felix’s hands were on his legs by now, fingers tracing circles that Locus felt through his pants.

“That doesn’t make it better.”

“Does for me.”

Locus frowned at him, and Felix kissed him again. And kept kissing him, until Locus rose to greet his growing hunger. He pulled Felix close and kept him there, one hand settled on his back and the other on his hip. Cool fingers slid under his shirt, skating over his sides and gripping tight. There was only a few inches between them when Felix leaned back.

The curtains on the balcony were open, and the light of the setting sun was pouring through. It caught hold of Felix’s face - his eyes, his hair, even the freckles - and made him shine. He said, “You’re only gonna be here for tonight.”

Locus said, “Until ten in the morning.”

“Then,” Felix said, a grin spreading over his face, “what are we still doing in here?” He was moving as he spoke, tearing his gaze from Locus and pulling away entirely. Once his feet hit the floor, he looked back and the sun lit him up all over again. “C’mon, babe. Before you leave.”

In the bedroom, Felix climbed into his lap and kissed him again. He pulled his clothes off first, encouraging Locus to touch him and feel him. Locus took the opportunity to hold Felix still again, an arm around his body, digging into the flesh of his hip. He leaned up to mouth at Felix’s throat, kissing his collarbone as Felix rocked his naked hips in Locus’s clothed lap.

Felix stayed in his lap even while helping him undress. He pulled Locus’s pants and underwear down, lifting up a inch or two for Locus to pull the clothes off. He forced Locus onto his back, leaning and stretching to reach for the condoms and lube in the bedside table. Having him close kept his warmth near, the electric hum of another person so close never faded. Locus was free to let his hands roam. Once, as he watched Felix prep himself, he thought that the anxiety should be a torrent but it wasn’t. It was hardly there at all and he was never more thankful for that than he was now, watching Felix bite his lip as he lowered himself onto Locus’s cock.

The sex itself was slow. While Felix rode him Locus kept a hand pressing down on his back to keep him close as they kissed, and Felix moaned into his mouth. After a few minutes, Felix sat up, a hand around himself, eyes unfocused. Locus chased his mouth, devouring the gasps and whines as they came. His arms were around Felix then, one to keep him steady and upright, the other squeezing his ass.

For Locus, the entire experience was much more intimate than anything previous. He came with his face buried in Felix’s neck, feeling Felix burning into his skin everywhere they touched. When Felix came, he yanked Locus’s head up with a sharp tug on his hair, and then muffled a cry against his lips.

They laid together after, Locus running his fingers slowly over Felix’s ribs. It took him far too long to pull away from Felix and put some clothes back on - felt like an hour at least, though it couldn’t have been more than a few minutes. Felix still laid on the bed, watching him, and Locus sat down beside him again. He leaned against the headboard, and, almost instantly, Felix crawled forward, lying with his head on Locus’s stomach. He wore nothing, and Locus didn’t really expect him to be putting anything on any time soon.

Felix said, “I’m gonna miss sex like that.”

Locus laughed quietly, running a hand through Felix’s hair. There were fingers tapping against his stomach. “I’ll be gone a week.”

“That’s so long.”

“It really isn’t.”

Felix huffed, his breath ghosting over Locus’s skin. His fingers stopped moving, hand spreading flat. He said nothing, and Locus slid his hand down his back. He was craning his neck to try and look at the color exploding on Felix’s back and the work done on the tattoo of the phoenix, when Felix spoke again. “Everyone else will be gone too,” he said. There was an edge of bitterness to his voice. “Just gonna me be and my empty apartment.”

It didn’t feel like something he should respond to, so Locus stayed silent. He was rubbing Felix’s back without noticing, frowning at nothing as Felix squirmed closer. Shortly, Felix was snoring against his stomach, still holding onto Locus’s side with one hand. Locus didn’t mind. They could lay like this, just for a little while.

He let Felix sleep for a little over an hour, dozing off a bit himself, and then roused him for dinner. Felix wore his boxers and that silly sweater of his, and they made smalltalk that neither of them seemed too invested in. when Felix broke out the alcohol, Locus let himself be talked into a couple of glasses. He drank with Felix, watched as Felix became steadily more affectionate as he had more and more alcohol, and said very little. The entire night, Locus watched Felix and thought of him spending the holidays all alone.

He thought that, regardless of what Felix may have said, being alone this time of year wouldn’t be good. And that Felix, too stubborn to say so, would end up lonely.

✹ ✹ ✹

Locus woke early. It was necessary - his original plan had called for him to be awake by eight to leave plenty of time for him to recheck his luggage before leaving. Now that he had made a last minute decision to change those plans, Locus could have slept in for longer. It had crossed his mind as he rose from the bed, how easy it would be to silence to the alarm and fall back asleep. He had looked at Felix, fast asleep under the covers, and had the strong urge to sink back down and pull the other closer. They could stay like that for a while, maybe hours more.

There were things to take care of, though, and Locus went to make himself tea to try and wake up. It would help calm his nerves too, or at least that’s what he hoped. The simple fact was that the anxiety was waking up, slowly but surely rising to a roaring torrent. Because this year, he wasn’t going to make the long drive home. He wouldn’t be faced with his parents, his siblings, or anyone else who showed up for the holidays.

Locus was staying here. With Felix.

It was calling his parents that was making him so anxious this early. Actually having to say he wouldn’t be there this year was far more difficult than choosing to stay. The first step was actually calling one of his parents - his mother would be the easier choice. Though she’d likely ask more questions, there would be less audible scorn from her than his father. The best choice would actually be his older brother, but if he didn’t speak directly to one of his parents, they’d be calling him within the hour.

He was sure of this. Just like he was sure that at some point, one of them would get him on the phone long enough to demand a real explanation and he would be caught panicking about what to tell them.

The short version was that he had to get this over with as quickly as possible.

It was still past eight-thirty when he finally worked up the nerve to call his mother. She answered after three rings, and after the usual cursory greetings, said, “We were expecting you yesterday.”

Locus had a brief moment where he wondered if maybe he had gotten his dates wrong. Maybe he was supposed to have left yesterday morning instead of today. It was one thing to arrive late in the evening, but on the wrong day entirely was worse.

He was halfway through apologizing before he remembered why he had called. He said, “I’m sorry but I don’t think I’ll make it this year.” He threw a glance at the bedroom door as he spoke; he had left the door open, but there was no sounds from within. On the phone, his mother was asking why, exactly, he wasn’t coming. All he managed to come up with was, “I don’t have enough money to get there.”

The next few minutes, Locus spent trying to convince his mother that he was fine. No, he didn’t wish to speak to his father about money. No, he didn’t need any money from either of them, nor from anyone else. He was in the middle of trying to find a way to hang up when he heard footsteps and looked back.

Felix, standing in the doorway of the bedroom. He wore only his boxers, what he had climbed into bed with last night, and was frowning at Locus with tired eyes. He said, “What are you - ?”

Locus cut him off, speaking into the phone. “I have to go. I’m sorry. I’ll call back later.” He didn’t wait to hear what was said to him, hanging up and dropping the phone on the kitchen counter.

Felix was still staring at him, still frowning. He said nothing.

“What are you doing up?” Locus asked. He had expected Felix to sleep in, had reasoned that he would have enough time to prepare some kind of explanation before having to face this.

“Got work soon,” Felix said, yawning. He shuffled over to Locus to lean against him, sighing. “Still here, huh?”

“I - ...yes. Still here.”

Felix hummed quietly, standing straight again. “Can you make me coffee then?” He smiled up at Locus through the groggy look on his face. That, coupled with the tousled hair, was cute enough for Locus to want to kiss him. Leaning down to him, however, did not look so great. He merely nodded, leaving Felix’s side to get the coffee pot.

Naturally, Felix was still talking. “So, when exactly are you leaving? I don’t know why, but I kind of thought you’d be gone by now.” He laughed, and even that sounded tired. “Guess waking up in your bed was a big sign that you weren’t gone yet.”

Locus glanced back at Felix to see him sitting comfortably on the counter. He paused, made sure the coffee was good to go, and then rejoined Felix. This was easier to deal with - the added height from the counter meant Locus only had to lean forward to kiss Felix softly. Felix made a muffled noise against his lips before kissing back, and then pushing him back seconds later.

“Coffee first,” Felix said. “Kiss later.” He paused, then rolled his eyes and slipped off the counter. There was only a few inches between them now and Felix laid his hands on Locus’s bare chest. “Actually, sadly. Gonna have to get ready. Then coffee, breakfast, maybe a kiss before work.” He made a face before catching Locus’s gaze. Something in his eyes looked bitter for a second before he looked away again. “Suppose you’ll be gone when I get back.”

This would be a good time to tell Felix how his plans were changed. Except that Felix chose to pull away from him and make his way back to the room. Locus almost called him back, to explain how he wouldn’t have to be alone, but anxiety was gripping his chest again and constricting his words.

Locus thought that he should take a pill as soon as possible.

When Felix came back from the room, he had his clothes from yesterday on again, minus the sweater. He paused long enough to put on his shoes, grab his jacket, and take a cup of coffee from Locus, and then he was gone with a request for breakfast. He didn’t say what to make, so Locus was just going to make what he wanted.

After the pill, of course. He needed the anxiety to die down to actually talk to Felix about anything. While he was in his room, he changed clothes as well.

For breakfast, Locus made waffles because it was quick and easy, and he didn’t have to spend time staring at ingredients and wondering if Felix was allergic to it. Felix came back right when he finished cooking, dressed for work with his jacket zipped up over the red shirt. He got a second cup of coffee, sat down without a plate, and then looked up at Locus expectantly.

Locus frowned. “Get your own food.”

“People usually serve me,” Felix said, sipping at his coffee. “It’s a thing. You’ll get it eventually, don’t worry. Soon enough, you’ll be handing me plates of food without me having to prompt you.”

That wasn’t even worth a response. Locus sat down across from Felix, staring at him while he ate. After less than a minute, Felix gave an irritated huff of breath and shoved his chair back from the table. He made his own plate, sat down again, and glared. “Look at that,” Locus said. “You can make your own plate after all.”

“Yeah, shut up.”

He watched as Felix stabbed his fork into a waffle. There was more anger in his motions and voice than Locus would expect from something as simple as having to get his own breakfast. He wanted to comment on it, but instead asked, “When do you work?”

“Starts at ten,” Felix said. He had abandoned stabbing in favor of slicing chunks off and shoving them in his mouth. “I’ll have to leave soon.”

It was a while before either of them spoke. Locus was turning over what he had to say in his mind, trying to find the right words for it. He had to be careful not to make it sound like he was actually staying for Felix’s sake. It didn’t matter if he was, that he had chosen Felix over his own family, that could never be said. The anxiety alone had decided that for him. And, if he was being honest, he wasn’t sure how Felix would take that.

Felix broke the silence. He was pushing a piece of food through syrup, eyes on his plate. “So, I”ll, uh… I’ll see you a week then? You’re leaving soon, right?” He glanced up at Locus, just for a second, then back down at his plate.

Locus seized this opportunity before he could second-guess what to say again. “I’m not leaving,” he said. When Felix looked at him, confused, he added, “I’m staying here.”

“Why?” A demand, not a question. “You said you were. What the fuck happened?”

He used the same excuse as he did with his parents. Not enough money. Had to stay here or he would be out completely. It didn’t seem to work as well with Felix, though, but there wasn’t enough time for Felix to question him. He left for work shortly after, Locus saying, “I’ll be here when you get back,” as he held the door open for him.

There was a very light blush to Felix’s cheeks as he left, the look he gave Locus accusatory and still confused. It would be alright, Locus was sure. This was the best choice he could have made, and Felix would hopefully come to understand that as well.


	13. caught in the crossfire

Locus liked him - like a full scale thing, like he was actually romantically interested. Felix was sure of that now.

It was a slow realization, took him nearly the entire week to get it. But it was obvious.

That first day, when Locus was supposed to have been gone, Felix left for work suspicious as hell and came home too tired to care anymore. He paused outside of Locus’s door for only a moment, just long enough to decide that he didn’t care why Locus was still there. He knew he had been lied to earlier, but having someone there when he should have been alone was good enough to cancel that out.

Locus cooked for them that night, and Felix talked him into watching one of his horror films. Of course, Locus ended up hating it and Felix told him, “I was going to watch them anyway. Not my fault you stuck around for it.” Locus had grumbled a reply, but he sat there through the whole thing anyway.

That night, Felix fell asleep to Locus’s fingers tracing the phoenix on his back. They never did talk about why Locus had stayed.

Wednesday was another early workday for him, starting at eleven this time. Before he left, he dragged Locus into his apartment to collect some things. The way Felix saw it, if he was going to sleep over at Locus’s this week, then he needed clothes there so he wouldn’t have to leave everyday just to get dressed. He tossed his spare work uniform, enough clothes for three days, his sketchbook, and the knife set into a suitcase before leaving.

There wasn’t a need for the knives. He just didn’t like the idea of leaving them unattended.

At the door, Locus stopped to pick up the bills Tucker had left on the counter. Felix hadn’t touched them, hadn’t even looked at them, and had nearly forgotten they were there. “Have these been paid?” Locus asked him.

“Uh, no. Get out of my shit, man.” Felix made a grab for the envelopes and Locus held them out of his reach. “Alright, what the fuck?”

“You should pay your bills,” Locus told him with a frown.

“Those aren’t even yours! Give it back.”

“Felix.”

He sighed, tugging at Locus’s arm. It was rude to hold something out of his reach. Especially when that something was the bills for his apartment. “I don’t get paid until Friday. Shut up about it.”

Locus handed the bills back, saying, “Be sure to pay them.”

Felix stood where he was, watching as Locus opened the door again. He glanced at the bills in his hand and made a face. Still couldn’t believe he had been stuck with these. “You don’t even live here,” he said.

“One of those was for your heat, Felix,” Locus said. He was holding the door open for him. “If you would rather freeze than pay for it, then by all means. Don’t pay the bill.”

“I’m staying with you,” Felix said, smirking. “Why does my place need heat? You’re warm enough.”

Apparently, that wasn’t worth another word because Locus turned around and went back to his own apartment. Felix followed a few steps behind, dragging the suitcase with him. It did seem a bit ridiculous to pull a suitcase out just to go across the street, but he honestly saw no reason to go back home.

Locus’s apartment was nice. Locus was nice.

Both were fucking great to come home to after work. That day, Felix put in an extra hour at work, mostly spent resisting the urge to argue with dumbass customers. He came back crankier than before, kicked off his shoes, and threw himself into Locus’s lap. There was an arm around him instantly, warm hand on his back, and Felix dropped his head to Locus’s shoulder. “I fucking hate people,” he muttered. “Everyone’s so goddamn stupid.”

Locus was watching the news, and Felix stared at the screen. There wasn’t anything good on - just the usual shit, feel-good holiday stories or something. Locus said, “Tough day at work, I assume.”

“You have no fucking idea.” He groaned, mostly for dramatic effect, and squirmed in Locus’s lap until he was more comfortable. “People get, like, twenty times worse during the holidays. Like, I was told to expect this but it’s just... it’s so irritating.”

Specifically, he was told that the only thing worse than Christmas was Black Friday. And he hadn’t worked on Black Friday, so whatever horror stories people had told him, he’d ignored.

He sat there in Locus’s lap, staring at the TV. After a few silent minutes, Locus brought his hand up, fingers curling through Felix’s hair. “How long are you going to stay like this?”

In answer, Felix sighed heavily, burying his face into Locus’s shoulder. His eyes closed, and he breathed deep. Right now, right here, he was comfortable. Moving seemed like too much effort, especially with the warmth of Locus surrounding him. Locus was gripping his hip loosely with one hand, the other one running through his hair before dipping down his neck and over his back. It was soothing, and Felix fell asleep quickly.

When he woke again, it was nearly two hours later, and Locus had laid him down on the couch. A blanket was wrapped around him, soft and warm - but, no. The warmth was Locus, pressed against his back, one arm hung loose over his waist. Felix could feel Locus’s breath at the back of his neck, and it was so nice just to lay there that for a moment he didn’t move.

Then he thought that this was cuddling, and that wasn’t good. He wasn’t a cuddler - that only happened on special occasions, like when he was really drunk or too high to refuse someone who wanted to hold him. This though… Holding him while he slept? He couldn’t let that happen. The thought of Locus wanting to hold him made him itch, like almost physically itch, even though it should have made that foolish crush soar.

He sat up, careful not to wake Locus, and eased out from under the blanket. Once he was far enough away, perched on the edge of the sofa a few inches from the guy, Felix took the time to get a good look at Locus’s face. Still unbelievably hot. Had the perfect kind of sharp angles, the right amount of soft lines - basically the most attractive thing ever. There was also this sense of latent power to him, the strength behind his muscles, and Felix may have spent a few minutes wondering what it would be like to watch Locus kill someone. He pictured Locus with those striking eyes glinting with a dangerous light, with his hands around someone’s throat. Or pushing his thumbs into someone’s eyes, popping them as the poor soul screamed beneath him.

Once he caught that train of thought, he stood and left the couch, busied himself with finding a snack in the kitchen. Anything to get his mind off of murder and violence when he was with another person.

By the time Locus woke again Felix was sketching idly. He did a fantastic job of pretending he hadn’t visualized so much violence at Locus’s hands, or that those thoughts had excited him so much. Even better than that was how easy it was to brush off his sketching as another tattoo design. Locus never made a move for his sketchbook since Felix had snapped at him that first time which made it very easy to sit and draw various little doodles of the man on pages of half-finished tattoos.

After a late dinner, Felix showered with Locus and spent too much time letting his hands roam over Locus’s body.

When they were in bed, Locus was watching him as he fell asleep. Just before he fell over the edge, on that precipice of sleep and waking, Felix thought that he should make Locus stop doing that. He remembered that the next morning, but not why it seemed so important.

✹ ✹ ✹

The days he spent there were lazy, slow-passing days. With each one, the crush he held for Locus melted away little by little. It was bound to happen eventually, but he had kind of been hoping it’d last a bit longer. At least through this one week. A fading crush made it more and more awkward when Locus kept giving him more affection. Every little kiss and small touch, every time Locus tugged him closer or held him became harder and harder to tolerate, let alone enjoy.

But he could deal with this. Felix had a lot of experience in pretending. And faking a romantic interest was the easiest. Just had to keep up the act until the others came back, when he could go to his own apartment and not be suffocated by the silence.

It was a neat act, simple, no big deal. Went real smoothly the entire week, when Felix had work practically all day and would come back with stories of holiday-crazed morons. He’d complain over dinner and then tolerate Locus’s affections until they went to sleep.

And then on Monday, on Christmas Eve, Felix didn’t get out of bed until just after noon. This was his day off - one of them, rather. He had requested Christmas off as well, on the assumption that he was going to drink himself into a lonely stupor and pass out. Now it was just… two long days with Locus. What a thing to look forward to.

He took his time getting up and even then, the only reason was the smell of food filling the room. Locus had left the door cracked whenever he had left the bed, and the heavy scent of meat cooking was making Felix’s stomach growl. He almost left the room naked before remembering that Locus could barely handle him sleeping with nothing on, so waltzing around the apartment nude would probably send the guy into an anxiety fit or whatever happened with him. He pulled on his pants from the day before instead, the khakis of his work uniform, and grabbed his phone from the bedside table before leaving the room.

In the kitchen, Locus was standing at the stove, talking into his phone. He glanced at Felix, then turned his head right back to the food. He wasn’t even cooking anymore, just staring at it while he talked. Felix hopped onto one of the stools at the bar, leaning forward to rest his arms over the counter.

Locus was talking quietly, something about holiday wishes, very sorry he couldn’t make it. He said, “I’ll come visit soon,” with another sidelong glance toward Felix. “It’ll be very soon. Before the next break.”

For a moment, Felix considered interrupting that phone call. He wanted food and Locus wasn’t acknowledging him. Both of those should be dealt with and now. He was a second from speaking, when he stopped himself.

Locus had turned further from him, dropping his voice just slightly. So Felix leaned forward a bit more, listening as he said, “And again, no. I don’t need any help. Everything’s going fine, it’s just - no. There’s nothing else holding me here.”

Sounded serious.

Locus paused, and when he spoke again, he sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than whoever he was talking with. “Yes, yes, of course. I - I knew it was a joke.”

As if anyone would have believed that. Felix sat there, arms outstretched now, reaching for Locus and falling short by only, like, two feet. He listened to Locus talk, heard him giving his goodbyes and more bullshit about how he would go visit soon. Boring shit. His stomach kept growling, mouth watering, as the food on the stove kept cooking.

The instant Locus set his phone on the counter, Felix perked up again. He said, “What’re you making?” as Locus turned his full attention on the food in question. “ ‘Cause I’m fucking starving.”

Instead of answering, Locus said, “Do you not have work today?”

“No. What are you cooking.”

“What you’re smelling is ham,” Locus said, “and it won’t be ready for another two hours.”

Felix made an irritated noise, drumming his fingers on the counter. He eyed the stove past Locus, the pots on top of it, and gestured toward it. “What’s that then? Am I allowed to have that?”

“I suppose you could, if it was finished.”

At this point, Felix was pretty sure Locus was just fucking with him. Why have food if he couldn’t eat it? When he asked that, Locus suggested he actually eat breakfast instead of sitting there, doing nothing. How the hell Felix was expected to eat anything else when the whole place smelled like ham was a fucking mystery. So instead, he left. He picked up his keys from the counter and went right out the door.

Of course, two steps out there and he was regretting not having shoes or a jacket. Whatever. He went straight to his stupid empty apartment, and threw something cheap in the microwave.

While he ate, along with trying to pretend he wasn’t sitting alone in a quiet apartment while a ham cooked next door, Felix made plans for his day off. A lot of different plans, different things he could do, and not a single one included staying inside.

Of course, to go out, he had to look good. It took him the better part of an hour to shower, shave, and pick out the best outfit. It was pretty easy, really. If he was going out today, then there was no way in hell anyone was going to catch him in pants. The skirt he wore was short, but he wore tights to cover his legs and boots that nearly reached his knees. That surely made up for the length of the skirt and the flesh that should have been visible. He had a hooded jacket lined with fur - real fur, a prize of his wardrobe, really. He even took the time to do his makeup. Subtle, just the right amount to make his eyes spark and for him to look even better.

Really had to look good today. After so many days of work, of looking like a mess when he wasn’t in work, he deserved this. Hell, people he didn’t even know deserved this, to see how goddamn good he looked today.

He didn’t think about Locus seeing him until he was pushing open the door to the guy’s apartment. Locus was in the living room and Felix took three steps forward and then cleared his throat. Once Locus’s eyes were on him, he figured that, yeah, sure. Even Locus deserved to look at this.

Locus said, “What are you doing?” and sounded so unimpressed that Felix frowned. “Did it take you an hour to get dressed?”

“What the fuck, man.” All that work, and this was what he got for it? “I look hot.”

From where he stood, Felix could see Locus raise his eyebrows before looking away again. An insult to all the work he had put in, clearly. “Is there a reason you spent so long to look that?” Locus asked. He still wasn’t looking at Felix, focused instead on the book in his hands.

Felix smoothed his hand over his chest, over the top of his jacket. The fur lining was becoming a little too hot in the apartment. “I want to go out,” he announced. “Get ready and let’s go.”

Locus looked back at him. “The ham is almost finished,” he said. “I can’t leave now.”

“Well… Maybe after we eat.” At the mention of the ham, Felix’s stomach growled again. The smell of it was still hanging thick in the air and his meager excuse of a late breakfast suddenly seemed so pathetic. He unzipped his jacket, throwing it across the back of the couch as he joined Locus, throwing his legs across the man’s lap.

Another frown from Locus, but Felix just smiled and nudged one of Locus’s hands with his leg. It didn’t need to be said, he thought, that Locus should be paying attention to him and not some boring book. Guy read too much as it was, always reaching for books if Felix wasn’t there to stop him. It didn’t take too long for Locus to sigh now, set the book beside him, and run a hand slowly up Felix’s leg. He curled the other around Felix’s neck, dragging him forward. Just before they would have kissed, Locus said, “Stop acting like a child,” and used his grip to spin Felix around, making him face forward. Felix’s legs slid off of Locus, boots hitting the floor, and he frowned.

Beside him, Locus had picked up his book.

“That was unnecessary,” Felix said. “And I wasn’t acting like a child. Jackass.”

Locus patted his thigh with one hand. “Just because you weren’t whining,” he said, “or pestering me, or forcing yourself into my space does not mean you weren’t childish.”

“I never do any of those things.”

“You did exactly that last night.”

There wasn’t much to say after that. Locus kept his hand on Felix’s thigh, fingers brushing underneath the hem of the skirt, warm through the tights. He read, and Felix wrestled for his jacket to get his phone. He spent his time playing games and chatting with people, turning down offers to fuck on Christmas, and then blocking people who persisted. When the ham was finished, he followed Locus into the kitchen, hovering around while the meat was cut and snapping up slices as Locus laid it on a plate.

It was delicious, really. Locus had talent – at least in cooking easy things. While he chewed on a piece of ham, Felix mulled over the idea of letting Locus cook some of his precious meat when he had more. It was tempting, if only for the knowledge of what exactly Locus would be making. He’d never eaten people meat cooked by someone else.

The whole idea was forgotten as Locus took lids off of pots on the stove and made Felix a plate full of it, handing it over without even being asked.

Perfect. Serve Felix just like he always should.

Felix gave him a chaste kiss before taking a seat at the table. When Locus joined him, he had a glass for Felix – filled with a soda from the fridge – and it was only a few seconds of silence before Felix spoke again. “What are you doing with a ham?” he asked before shoving another bite in his mouth.

Locus didn’t look up from his plate while he answered. “It was originally for my family. I was supposed to have brought it down with me, but since I didn’t go there, I figured we could have it. It seemed like a better idea than wasting it.”

“Why didn’t you go to your family again?”

“I told you. I ran out of money. Wouldn’t have been able to make the drive there and back.”

Same story he gave last time. Felix was still sure he was lying, but if he wanted to stick to it, then whatever. He got ham out the deal, and it was good. “Was that your family on the phone earlier?” he asked, spinning a chunk of ham through potatoes and gravy.

Locus looked up then, meeting his eyes. “Yes. My mother. She’s been calling every morning.”

Felix snorted. “That’s a bit much, isn’t it?”

“No,” Locus said with a shake of his head. “I was always… fairly close to her. And I don’t go visit often, so when I was supposed to and didn’t – “

“She calls instead, I get it.” Sounded irritating. Family was always irritating.

“Hasn’t your family called you?” Locus asked.

Felix shrugged. Convenient time to take another bite.

“I would have thought,” Locus continued,  “that since you stayed here, someone would have called you. At the very least, someone would contact you.”

Figures he wouldn’t take the hint and drop the subject. Felix sighed around the fork in his mouth, glancing around for his phone. It was still sitting on the kitchen counter, where he had set it to take the plate from Locus, and he went to retrieve it. On the way back, he pulled up a voicemail from his mom - days old, and he hadn’t even listened to it. As he slid back into his seat, he said, “Got this call a few days ago. Didn’t answer.”

He refused to explain further, just played the damn message and continued eating. His mother’s voice started, and he nearly rolled his eyes. Even over the phone, the woman sounded judgmental, all scorn masked with cheerfulness. Fuckin’ bullshit. The message said, “Felix, sweetheart, your father and I miss you very much. If you won’t visit, would it hurt for you to call? Not hearing from you is painful. You’re my child, Felix, my only son, and I love you so, so much.”

Goddamn, she was worse than he remembered.

His mother ended the message with, “Merry Christmas, sweetheart. Please, be safe, and call home. Let us know how you’re doing.”

When it stopped, Felix instantly deleted it. “Can’t believe she left that obnoxious shit on my phone,” he muttered.

After a moment, Locus said, “Did you not call her back?”

“No.”

“And I suppose you aren’t going to say why.”

“Hate her. Hate them both.” He shoved another forkful of meat in his mouth, staring at Locus and daring him to ask one more question.

This time, at least, Locus let it drop. No more talk of Felix’s parents, no more questions. Even though it was pretty obvious that he wanted to know, he stayed quiet. Only thing that could have made it better was if Felix had anything else to talk about - but now that his parents were brought up, all of his thoughts merged into one angry haze. It also would have been nice if Locus would say something that would make him think, something that would distract him. As it was, Felix just concentrated on eating.

Today was his day off for fuck’s sake. He absolutely refused for it to sour so soon, or at all. He might not have any concrete plans for the day, but when he finished his food, he slammed his hands on the table and shot to his feet. Locus watched him, eyebrows raised. “We’re goin’ out,” Felix said.

“To do what?” Locus asked.

“Don’t know yet.” He was already taking the dishes to the sink. “But I said we’re going out, so let’s go. On your feet, get a jacket.”

“I haven’t finished eating.”

“That’s great. Get up anyway.” Felix patted Locus on the head as he walked into the living room to get his jacket off the couch. “See, you made things awkward with all that family talk. This is me, trying to fix it.” He paused to gesture at himself before shrugging on the jacket. “Help me out here, Locus. Let’s go have fun.”

Locus glanced from his plate up to Felix, and Felix offered up a winning smile. He could be very convincing, even with just a look. So it wasn’t a surprise to him when Locus sighed and pushed his chair back from the table. He let his smile grow into a grin anyway, let Locus get a good look at how happy he was that they were leaving together. He could have gone off by himself, sure, but it was always nicer with someone else.

That thought went over tenfold when they were actually out, with Felix sitting inside the car and trying to direct Locus where to go. He convinced Locus to pull into a crowded supermarket where they spent over an hour looking at the leftover mess of Christmas decorations and picked over shelves. At some point, Felix ended up with obnoxious sunglasses and belled antlers on his head. Children nearby laughed at him even though Locus was looking at him like he was an idiot.

Which was a really good reason to jump onto the guy’s back in the middle of the store and plant the stupid antlers on his head instead. Locus looked so scandalized and annoyed with him that Felix snapped his picture seconds before he tossed the antlers off.

“That wasn’t nice,” Felix said, laughing. Locus was glaring at him. “Those were a gift.” The antlers had been thrown onto the floor, just underneath the nearby shelving. “Just for that, I’m sending Grey that picture.” He was halfway through the text message when Locus spoke.

“If you do that, then I’m sending her the one of you in that sweater of yours.”

Felix paused. “You never took a picture,” he said slowly. Best he could remember, he had taken the gay deer sweater off or had it covered before Locus had had time to get his phone.

But then Locus had his phone out now, and seconds later he held it up to show that, yeah. He had a picture of Felix in his gay deer sweater. In the photo, Felix was standing in Locus’s kitchen, looking somewhere off camera. The sweater was hanging off one shoulder and the stupid dumb gay deer weren’t even covered up.

“You fuckin’ asshole,” Felix said. He had already sent the picture of Locus to Grey, had done so while Locus was speaking. His fingers apparently moved on autopilot, and now there was this evidence that he had silly Christmas sweaters. “People can’t know about that sweater.”

Locus smiled, and that was almost a devious expression.

“When did you even take that?” Felix demanded.

“Before we went out to eat,” Locus said. He glanced at his phone as a tone came through, and then he looked back at Felix. “And it seems you did send it to Grey.”

“Don’t you dare.”

Of course Locus sent it.

Honestly, Felix would have lost a bit of respect for him if he hadn’t.

But, still. Now someone else knew about the sweater, the stupid soft gay deer sweater. And Felix knew that no amount of excuses would make up for wearing it. Seconds later, a text came in from Grey, complimenting him on his perfect choice of sweaters. Apparently her girlfriends thought it was cute too, and Felix was blushing at that because oh, goddammit. More people. People he didn’t know.

“You’re so evil,” he whispered. Locus’s hand landed on his shoulder, slipping to his back and pulling him close. For now, the physical contact didn’t make him squirm. He looked up to glare into Locus’s face and huffed out a breath. The indignation in his expression was lost in the blush still high on his cheeks. “I’m gonna get you back for that, y’know.”

Locus ignored that. He was still smiling, but it was softer and almost nonexistent. His usual type of expression - barely there at all. His hand coasted up to Felix’s shoulder, and though he looked like he wanted to say something, he didn’t. Instead he sighed, eyes darting behind Felix. “Let’s get out of here,” he said finally. He was leading Felix toward the exit without waiting for a response. Once they passed through the doors, Felix shoved his hands into his jacket pockets; really wished he had remembered gloves.

A few steps into the parking lot, and Locus was speaking again, quietly. “Didn’t you hear people laughing at you?”

Felix shrugged. Sure he did. “Wasn’t that because of the antlers?” he said.

Locus made one of those noises that meant he was holding back on something. The vaguely annoyed, almost growling sound. “Felix…”

“Definitely ‘cause of the antlers.”

He knew what the laughter was about, he always did. People acted like a masculine person in a skirt was the height of hilarity. And Felix had perfected ignoring those people, because those people were generally the scum of the earth and not worth his time or attention. They were worth him killing them, however, but he couldn’t exactly massacre people in the open.

The thing was, though, that this was a very serious conversation and he didn’t care if Locus wanted to talk about it. It had no place in his day off. “Look, just ignore them,” he told Locus. “I do, and it works fine.”

Had to keep the day good.

Felix smiled at Locus’s persistent frown. They were by the car now, and he paused long enough to reach up and kiss him. Probably a bit longer than a kiss in public should have been, but when he pulled back, Locus looked a touch less bothered and that was good.

“Forget about it,” he said quietly, pressing against Locus, hands pulled from his pockets to grip Locus by the shoulders. “Focus on me. And only me.”

Locus responded with another kiss, shorter than the one Felix had given him, and then a shove meant to start Felix around the car. He went to the passenger side, but only after squeezing past Locus and smacking his ass. That split second reaction where Locus jolted was worth it. So was the irritated sigh, and the accompanying look thrown Felix’s way as he made his way around the car. One of those looks that said Locus wasn’t going to put up with his nonsense today. Not quite the one that promised Locus’s barely contained anger but, hey, it was close.

Once the car was moving, Locus said that he was going to pick where they went now. He said, “If your idea of a good way to spend your time is in a crowded store on Christmas Eve, you no longer get to choose what we do.”

“It’s my day off.”

“And it’s my car.”

“So?”

“So I’m driving. My choice.”

Felix snorted. “Are you serious? That’s so fucking childish.”

Locus only shrugged.

It would have fine, really, except that Locus’s idea of where to go on a freezing cold day was the goddamn park. Seriously. It couldn’t be over twenty-five degrees, ground covered in snow, clouds threatening to snow some more, and Locus had taken nearly half an hour to drive to a park.

Felix looked at the snow-coated grounds, noted the distinct lack of other cars, and fixed Locus with a seething glare. It was more of a warning look than anything. “This is supposed to be a good day,” he said quietly. “A good day. This frozen excuse of a playground isn’t a good thing.”

And in classic fashion, Locus continued his trend of not being fazed by Felix. That was getting annoying - used to be interesting when Locus ignored him. Used to be a challenge, a big thing, like some kind of force that pulled Felix in closer. He had had to fight and figure out what worked with this stubborn, distant, asshole of a man.

But right now, it was just really fucking annoying.

Locus had left the car, closing the door and leaving Felix inside. He didn’t even look back at the car, just started forward. Nearby, there was a lake, iced over and barren. Locus was headed that way. After a moment, Felix let out an irritated growl, pushed the car door open, and stomped his way into the snow. He kept his eyes on Locus’s back, got to see how he pulled the keys from his coat pocket and locked the door as soon as he heard it shut.

What a jackass.

“Why are we out here?” Felix asked. He had to move quick to catch up to Locus; being short didn’t help when it was cold and he was in heels. There was probably ice on the ground, and he tried to move carefully to avoid falling.

“It’s quiet,” Locus said. He didn’t look at Felix as he walked, eyes trained somewhere up ahead. What he was looking at, or for, was a mystery. There was nothing out there but white snow, dead trees, and little specks of sunlight glittering on the ice of the lake. Pristine, sure. Very pretty.

“It’s boring.”

Pretty didn’t fix boring.

Locus was walking off path now, into deeper snow. After a pause, Felix groaned and walked after him. Snow came up to his ankles now - almost, anyway. “Just because you like crowded places on Christmas Eve,” Locus said, “doesn’t mean we all do. I prefer the peace and quiet here over the last minute crowds.”

“At least it’s warm in stores,” Felix muttered. He thought he had spoken quietly enough that Locus wouldn’t hear, but he was stopping anyway, turning to look back. And it struck Felix then that he must look pathetic. He had pulled the hood over his face and then promptly shoved his hands into the jacket’s pockets; he stood now with his shoulders hunched, like he was trying to burrow himself completely into the jacket. His legs were freezing - turned out that just putting on tights did not protect against cold weather, who knew - and he couldn’t keep still, shuffling his feet and resisting the urge to flee back to the car.

Absolutely miserable.

Locus said, “Are you alright?”

Felix scoffed. He could see his breath. “Oh, I’m fine. Always liked being frozen.”

“You should have worn pants.”

“Hey, I wear what I want.”

“It’s twenty-five degrees, Felix.” Locus was staring at him now, with that incredibly unimpressed look on his face again. “You were the one who wanted to go out.”

“Not here!” He was reluctant to mention how he had forgotten gloves, but he ended up throwing his hands out to gesture at their surroundings. “I never asked for freezing nature bullshit, alright? Maybe I wanted to see a movie, or go to more stores, or - or, fuck, I don’t know. Something not cold.”

“Do people even go to movies today?” Locus was standing just far enough away that Felix couldn’t tell exactly where he was looking. “It’s Christmas Eve. Generally, people stay home.”

“I do.” Fuck everything for making this day some huge deal. It was Christmas Eve, so what? Felix didn’t have to work, he didn’t care if he was going to go disturb someone working who just wanted to be at home with their family. It was another day, nothing special. “The twenty-fourth isn’t the big day. That’s tomorrow. Can we leave the frozen wasteland now?”

Instead of answering, Locus said, “Where are your gloves?”

Felix shrugged. “Didn’t you notice before now? Left them at home.”

“I thought that maybe you had enough sense to at least bring a pair with you,” Locus said. He spoke in this tone that made Felix angry. Locus spoke like he was better than him somehow, or that Felix was stupid, lesser. “Even if you didn’t have any in the store, why wouldn’t you bring them at all?”

“Don’t know how you missed it,” Felix said, his words souring by the second, “but I hate the goddamn cold. I wasn’t planning to be out here, you dragged me here.” He paused to frown at his own hands, then back at Locus. “And you keep ruining my fucking day.”

“Your day has barely started,” Locus said. “You aren’t going to blame me if it turns out badly.”

“I already am.”

He could almost hear Locus’s eyes rolling at that.

“If you’re going to act like this, then go home,” Locus said. He turned again, starting to walk away. “Take a bus, or a taxi. Whichever you prefer.”

And now he thought he was going to get away. Felix was glaring - more like pouting - but he trudged after Locus anyway, hands clenched at his sides. “I’m just saying that this was supposed to be a good day.”

“Felix, go home.”

“I wanted to have fun,” Felix continued. “You just got included ‘cause you were there.” And partly because he was hoping that going out today wouldn’t end like the other days. That he wouldn’t be left lying next to Locus at night and wondering why he was still staying there, why he hadn’t gone home yet. That today would be like some of the better ones, and that burn to stay with Locus would overpower the one to put distance between them.

But none of that mattered. “Bringing you along was a bad idea,” Felix said.

“Then go home.”

It was obvious that Locus was tiring of him being there. He probably should leave, but he was beside Locus now, and still talking. “Today was supposed to be good.”

“You’ve said that before.”

Felix ignored him. “Then, here you are, big jackass that you are, trying to have some serious talk about why people laugh at me - which, by the way, I never want to have. Who the fuck wants to talk about assholes laughing at them? Why would you think that’s a good thing to try to talk to me about?” He was getting off subject, but Locus was starting to look appropriately uncomfortable. “And now you’ve taken me here, where I can be miserable in the cold. Thanks, fuckface, really making my day off worth it.”

Locus was silent, stopping to look at Felix once more.

“Could have gone to work,” Felix said. “Would have been just as bad, only I’d get paid for dealing with jackasses.” He raised one hand to rub at his neck, frowning, looking past Locus at a snow-covered picnic table closeby. Vaguely, he wondered how he ended up starting a fight in the middle of a park.

Was it even a fight?

Argument, even?

After a moment, Locus said, “Doesn’t it bother you that people laugh at you?”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” Scratch the argument problem. This asshole just couldn’t stop pushing into bad territory. “Will you just drop it? I literally just said I don’t want to have this conversation.”

“Felix.”

“I’m not talking about it.”

For a few seconds there, Felix fully expected Locus to keep pushing it. There was this certain level of persistence with the guy that made him so goddamn irritating at times. Maybe it should be chalked up to him finding Felix so fascinating that he had to understand everything - really, that would make sense. Felix was fucking amazing. But no one was supposed to understand Felix; he made it really difficult on purpose.

And Locus trying and trying, asking so many questions - that was going to become infuriating.

Felix actually preferred the cold indifference.

When Locus spoke again, there wasn’t even a trace of the annoyance that was plaguing him seconds earlier. “If you ever change your mind,” he started.

“I won’t.” He put as much venom into the words as possible, staring Locus down and trying to pretend the cold air wasn’t seeping through his tights and freezing his legs. It was only evident that Locus was dropping the subject when he started to walk again. Still going forward, moving through the snow. Instead of following him, Felix said, loudly, “Are we not leaving?”

Locus didn’t even turn around. “You can leave if you like,” he said.

Asshole spoke so quietly still that Felix was forced to try and catch up to him just to hear.

“I’m staying,” Locus said. “It’s peaceful here, something I’ve pointed out to you at least twice so far.”

“But it’s fuckin’ cold.” Felix slid a few inches as he spoke, foot catching on something slick under the snow. He grasped Locus by the arm to stop himself from falling and instantly sidled up to the man. “And as I have told you multiple times, I hate the goddamn cold.”

Locus pulled his arm from Felix, only to wrap it around his middle and pull him close. Pressed against him, Felix sighed and turned his face into the warmth of another person. Locus’s arm was tight around him, his other hand coming up to rest on Felix’s shoulder. This was …odd. Weren’t they just arguing? What kind of people went from arguing to this sort of embrace? Even as he thought this, Felix brought his hands up to Locus’s chest, relaxing into it all - the warmth, the feeling of Locus all around him.

Locus said, “Are you really that cold?”

Felix’s answer was a grunt. Surely that was enough.

Locus took a breath, and Felix could feel his chest move. “Perhaps if you had worn pants - “

“Shut up,” Felix muttered. “Don’t wanna wear pants.”

“I was only going to point out that pants would provide more warmth than what you’re wearing.”

“But I look so good.”

“That’s hardly the point here.”

That had to be a lie. It was always important that Felix looked good. “Can we go somewhere else?” he asked quietly. Standing like this was only warming part of him, leaving his frozen legs and hands out to the cold still. “I’m sure you can find somewhere quiet that’s warm too.” He slid his hands down Locus’s chest then, pushing up underneath his jacket. His fingers pulled at Locus’s shirt, touching his skin lightly. It instantly warmed his fingers; the guy was always so warm.

Locus twitched. “Stop that. Your hands are freezing.”

Felix laughed, grinning to himself. “Take me somewhere warm,” he said, dragging his hands around Locus’s sides. He could feel the muscles tensing under the skin, and his grin widened. “See, I am pretty cold right now and being warm would just be… so good.”  

The answer to that was some kind of growl - maybe Felix’s name? Possibly. Both of Locus’s hands were on his waist now, pulling at him. And, really, there was no reason for Felix to do anything else here. He had his cold palms flat on Locus’s back, absorbing heat, but then he dipped his hands lower. Locus’s pants were rather loose, for whatever reason, and that made it nice and easy for Felix to slide his hands underneath. And then past the underwear, so he could squeeze Locus’s bare ass with both hands.

The little shocked noise Locus made had Felix laughing. It was muffled against Locus’s chest, but high and nigh boisterous.  He was laughing as Locus shoved him back, and it only got louder when he saw the look on Locus’s face and the blush over the guy’s cheeks.

Fuckin’ beautiful.

He wanted to mock Locus for blushing - and to compliment him on his ass - but also ask what was embarrassing him so badly. All that came out of his mouth though was laughter, and when he tried to speak, it turned breathless. He could manage a quiet “goddammit” in between bursts of laughter and by the time he finally calmed down, Locus was no longer blushing, just frowning at him.

Still out of breath, Felix said, “Ohh… That stern disapproval.”

“Are you done?” Locus asked.

Christ, he sounded just as irritated as he looked. Felix couldn’t stop the bubbling laughter rising again. “I’m sorry, you just -  you looked so shocked.”

“It isn’t something I expect,” Locus said.

“Aw, are you gonna blush again?” He was still grinning, rubbing his hands together. Still cold. Pity Locus wasn’t a fan of having his ass squeezed.

Locus’s frown deepened. Those beautiful eyes were giving him a look of near-death proportions. “We’re in public.”

“Is that what’s bothering you?” Felix snorted. “There’s no one here!”

“Public, Felix,” Locus repeated. “Don’t do that in public.”

“I just did, so… Kind of irrelevant.” He shrugged at Locus; the grin had faded to a smile - still bright, still cheerful. “Take me somewhere warm,” he said, “or I’m putting my freezing cold hands down your pants at every possible chance I get.”

“You’re a child,” Locus deadpanned.

“You love me,” Felix shot back. He smirked even though something inside him twitched, this small part of him that wanted to punch himself. This was practically a rule of his: Never joke about people loving him. Not when the person actually liked him.

Why the fuck was that the first thing that came to mind?

Locus’s response was just a minute shake of his head, and then he turned away. For a moment, he started off in the same direction he had been going, but then he paused, turned back to look at Felix and sighed. He said, “Fine. We’ll go somewhere warmer.”

He won.

But now there was this monster gnawing at him about Locus, and how Locus might feel about him. Which was, ultimately, fucking useless. He may have this suspicion about the guy, but focusing on this now was just going to make him uncomfortable. And that couldn’t happen, not today.

So Felix followed Locus back to the car, rubbing his slightly warm hands over his cold legs as the heater flared back to life. He still had the hood up, fur tickling his face, and it stayed that way until Locus reached over and tugged it down. The car sat at the exit of the park, and Locus was running his fingers through Felix’s hair. One finger trailed down the side of his face softly. “You don’t have to pick a fight to get your point across,” Locus said quietly.

Felix just stared at him, silently urging for him to drive and put an end to this before it got worse. All these extra touches were making him itch again. When Locus pulled back, Felix rubbed at the side of his face where the man’s fingers had been. He never did answer.

He managed to hold back how irritating this all was, how angry he was to not only lose a good day but also to lose that stupid crush. Liking Locus, for however short a time, made it so much easier to deal with all the affection.

But that’s how it went. Someone liked Felix, and suddenly he lost interest.

Locus bought him hot chocolate in a quaint little cafe. There weren’t many customers, so it was quiet, and it was warm. Plus, hot chocolate was always good, even if Locus told them not to make it with real milk. After that, Locus took him into a small store nearby, told him to pick something under twenty-five dollars and that would be his Christmas gift. Felix didn’t even bother to return the offer - all his money had been sapped away by bills - and picked up an old game he had never bought.

By the time they made it back home, night had fallen and Felix just wanted to forget that people had emotions and could actually care for him.

So, he shed his jacket and the boots and the tights, all right in the middle of Locus’s living room. He smirked at Locus’s frown and pushed the guy onto the couch. Once he was sitting, Felix straddled him, knees to either side to keep him a couple of inches off Locus’s lap.

“What are you doing?” Locus asked. The edge to his voice meant that he expected something sexual.

Felix only smiled and said, “I shaved my legs today. That’s why it took so long to get ready.” He reached for one of Locus’s hands, placing it on his thigh. “Smooth, isn’t it?”

It took a couple of seconds for Locus to reply, and by then his hand was moving slowly up Felix’s leg. “Do you always shave?” he asked. “When you wear skirts?”

“Sometimes.” He kissed Locus then, before anything could hint toward feelings and complicate things. Locus kissed him back in a way that was almost eager, and Felix was sure he had wanted to do this. Might have just been waiting for Felix to initiate it. The hand squeezing his thigh, the other one skating over to grip his ass - yeah, all that just proved it.

After a moment, Locus broke the kiss just to say, “Are you… wearing panties?”

“Uh, yeah.” What a thing to stop for. “You gotta ask? What else am I gonna wear?” He smiled when Locus trailed off into a low hum. That hand on his ass was over his underwear and squeezed only to release seconds later. He felt Locus’s fingers sliding under the band of his panties when he said, “You wanna see?”

Without waiting for an answer, Felix pulled away, leaned back. He was practically sitting on the hand on his ass now and that made him grin as he lifted up his skirt. Locus’s eyes went straight down and Felix got to watch as the lightest flush spread across his cheeks. No matter how many times they did this, Locus still looked so nervous and innocent that it was fucking adorable.

Felix wanted to fuck that quality right out of him. Someone this hot had no business being adorable.

Locus pulled him back for a kiss, a hand leaving his thigh to grip at his back, hold him still. And now, this was an eager kiss. One of those kisses that’d be sloppy if it was anyone else, but lit flames in his gut with Locus leading it.

They went to the bedroom, of course. Even with no one else here, Locus didn’t want to do anything outside this room.

Felix stripped down to just the skirt, though he encouraged Locus to pull the panties off. That was worth the quiet words of confidence just for how Locus leaned down to kiss the inside of his thighs, leaving a trail. He didn’t even have to ask for Locus to starting licking at his cock. Never actually took Felix into his mouth, just teasing with his hands and his tongue until Felix was hard.

He probably should have repaid the favor, and maybe he would have some other night. Instead, he took Locus in his hand, stroking as he bit at the guy’s neck, sucking and licking and leaving fantastic marks in his wake.

Locus may like him, but Felix was still going to mark the man as his.

When he went to pull the skirt off, Locus stopped him, said, “Leave it.”

All Felix had expected from this was a fun way to forget what he now knew, forget that Locus was romantically invested in him. Turned out better than he thought it would be. Something about tonight had Locus thrusting into him harder and faster than he had before. He kept both his hands on Felix’s hips, bunching the skirt around his waist. Every so often, one hand would slid down to squeeze at Felix’s thigh, adjust where his legs were positioned.

It was when Locus lifted his hips, hit him deeper, that Felix choked on his own voice. He very nearly screamed from the pleasure, but bit it back. His legs locked tight around Locus’s waist, and he managed, somehow, to say, “Holy fuck… don’t stop.” He reached between them to stroke himself, laying his head back as his body arched, and moaned.

If anything, his moans spurred Locus to fuck him even faster. He came with Locus bent over him, mouth on Felix’s neck, hands squeezing his thighs, an orgasm more intense and powerful than he’d had in a while.

Locus’s hips hitched and stuttered when Felix came and he thought that meant Locus was finished as well. Through the haze of his orgasm, he realized the cock inside him was still hard. Locus’s face was buried in his neck, hands very tight and fingers digging into his flesh. Breathless, Felix asked, “Are you close?”

The answer he got was a low groan, hands releasing and squeezing again.

He wanted to laugh, but all he managed was a small exhale of breath. “Keep going, then.” When Locus started again, slow at first, Felix’s next breath was a sharp one.. Aftershocks of pleasure blitzed down his spine with every thrust - that orgasm had left him barely coherent and this wasn’t helping. One of his hands made it into Locus’s hair, twisting there.

Locus picked up his pace, and Felix let his hands wander, skate over his back and hold him tight as if to ground himself here before he melted into ecstasy. Locus was buried in Felix when he finished, breathing heavily. Slowly, Felix relaxed his legs, feeling like he was sinking into the bed and pulling Locus with him.

He didn’t move when Locus pulled out and stepped into the bathroom, just reached up to run his hands through his hair.

That was a hell of a lot better than he had thought.

Later, after he had cleaned himself up and pulled the skirt off, Felix lay naked under Locus’s blankets and didn’t care that Locus was kissing at his neck softly. He had laid his head on Felix’s shoulder, one hand roaming over his skin and tracing patterns. It was warm with Locus close to him, with the blankets around them both, and there wasn’t a single thing in the world that would have made him leave.

✹ ✹ ✹

For Christmas, Felix didn’t have a gift for Locus but that was fine. He spent the day curled up under a blanket on the couch, wearing the silly gay deer sweater and a pair of boxers but nothing else. Locus brought him hot chocolate, kissed him, and then joined him. He had a book in his hands, Felix had a sketchbook. Very quiet, very peaceful.

It should have been boring, but it wasn’t. Felix wouldn’t have had some magnificent plans if he had been alone - just the murder of someone, and enough meat taken from their body to feed himself. Here, with Locus, they had leftover ham and a pie.

That pie was premade, but whatever. Better than a lonely dinner.

It was nearing eight before Locus said, “Merry Christmas, Felix.”

His answer was, “Y’know, it seems I forgot to get you a gift.”

“It’s fine.”

“No, I think you deserve something.” He set the sketchbook aside, giving Locus a charming smile before moving to close the distance between them. He plucked the book out of Locus’s hands. “You need something good,” he said, “and I know just the thing.”

“I’d like to finish my book,” Locus said.

“Maybe later.”

Locus was frowning again. What an unhappy guy. It was Christmas. Felix set a hand on Locus’s leg, sliding around to the inside of his thigh. He said, “I’m not gonna draw this out, alright? Since I didn’t get you anything material, your gift is gonna be a blowjob.” Before Locus could say anything, Felix slipped to the floor, setting both hands on Locus’s knees. “And it’d make things a lot easier if you’d say yes to this.”

“We had sex last night,” Locus said. He was just staring at Felix, like he couldn’t understand what was going on.

“And you’re getting a holiday blowjob now,” Felix said. He paused, frowning back at Locus. Sitting on his knees like this was weird without a dick in his mouth. “Wait, you want this right? Like, I’m not irritating your anxiety, am I? ‘Cause that’d kind of kill the mood. Like a lot.”

Locus laid a hand on his head, fingers moving through his hair. After a moment, he took Felix by the jaw, tilting his head up. And Felix took a breath and gave Locus the most seductive look he could muster. It worked, naturally, and when Locus told him yes, Felix reached to undo his pants. It didn’t take too long for Felix to get Locus hard under his touch. The blowjob itself was fantastic, and he judged that purely by Locus’s reaction. Low, rumbling groans, a hand curled into his hair. Once, when Felix dragged the stud in his tongue over Locus’s shaft, the guy gave a sharp intake of breath.

At least this time, Locus gave him a warning. Felix swallowed it all, running his piercing over the underside of Locus’s cock before pulling off. He took his time in licking over Locus again, slowly, loving the erratic breaths and quiet growls Locus made as he did. When he moved to put Locus away, taking his seat back on the couch, Locus’s hand finally fell from him.

“Y’know,” Felix said, leaning against Locus, “I don’t swallow for just anyone.”

Locus looked at him with those bright beautiful eyes of his, calm and barely readable at all. “Is that important?”

“Means you’re special, jackhole,” Felix said casually. He leaned over to kiss him and Locus leaned away, frowning. “Hey… Kiss me, ‘cmon.”

“No.”

Felix scoffed. “Why? It’s not ‘cause I sucked your dick, is it?”

“You literally just insulted me.”

Felix sat back, shruggin. “Is ‘jackhole’ not a compliment these days?”

Locus only sighed, shaking his head. When he started to reach for his book again, Felix snatched his hands and leaned close again. “Felix…”

“Aw, come on. It’s Christmas.” He kissed Locus on the cheek. “Sorry for insulting you, you gorgeous bastard.”

An arm slid around his waist, Locus tugging him closer. “Apology denied,” he said quietly. “I’m not sure you really meant it.”

“Oh, I didn’t.” He grinned when Locus turned to look at him. “But I did give you a killer blowjob, so I think that makes up for it, right?”

Locus’s hand slipped under the sweater, warm against his back. “Oh yes. And in your amazing sweater, too.”

“The gay deer sweater is not part of this.”

“You’re wearing it.” He was smirking now.

Felix answered by shoving his hand into Locus’s stupid smirking face, pushing away from him only to be pulled back down into a hug. “No! Stop! I didn’t agree to this!” He was held against Locus’s chest and could feel the guy laughing at him. “God, you’re so fucking awful.”

Locus’s hand was in his hair again, running through it in this nice, relaxing motion. Everything about the hug was warm and comfortable, and Felix kind of wished it wasn’t so nice. “Your sweater is absurd,” he said, “but that isn’t important.”

Felix managed to elbow him in the side for that.

“It’s been nice, this week with you,” Locus continued. His arms were too tight for Felix to move from even though this was absolutely going to get awkward very fast. “I wouldn’t mind spending more time with you, once everyone else comes back.”

“Yeah, well… Maybe.”

What was much more likely was that Felix was never going to spend this much uninterrupted time with Locus again. All he had wanted to do today was give the guy a blowjob for Christmas, and now he was being held and Locus was saying sweet things, and Felix wanted nothing more than to leave as soon as possible. This apartment was starting to feel suffocating, and the whole holiday spirit bullshit of Christmas was kind of... gone.

“Will you be going to your own apartment tomorrow?” Locus asked.

“Yeah,” Felix said. “Wash is coming home soon, so I gotta, y’know. Clean the place up, make it look like I had actually stayed there.”

Anyone else knowing that he had willingly stayed an entire week with one person was just too much. Especially when that person was so clearly into him. Maybe, if Felix was lucky, he could get Locus to turn his attentions onto Wash instead. Give him some breathing room.

He told Locus he’d stop by when he could, that he would absolutely be there to spend time with Locus. Whether he meant it or not wasn’t important. 


	14. no cause for alarm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you may have noticed new tags. due to the length of this monster, tags will be updated as the story progresses.
> 
> > warnings for drug use.  
> > contains a scene with an oc  
> > and a good smattering of tucklix cause that's what the world needs more of
> 
> and - if you noticed or haven't yet - the chapter total up there is a work in progress. the chapter outline is still loose and i'm finding things i can push together into one chapter instead of across two or three. 
> 
> thanks for reading over the past year. sorry it takes so long between updates sometimes haha

Washington came home on the twenty-seventh, and by then Felix had sent an exhaustive rundown of everything that had happened with Locus to Sister. He spelled out every reason why it was so bad that Locus liked him now, why it made him so uncomfortable, and why he wished the guy hadn’t fallen to his charms.

And what did Sister say? “Dude, you wanted this.”

Felix didn’t even have the energy to argue. He was lying on the couch when Wash walked through, carrying his bags and absent a huge hulking silent shadow. Felix looked up from the television, made eye contact, and instantly demanded the money he was owed for the rent. The reaction to that was a frown and Wash disappearing into his room.

That guy really did like to hide in there.

Those first couple of days were easy with only Wash to navigate around. For the most part, Wash stayed in his room doing god knows what. He came out to lounge in the living room when Felix wasn’t there, and to cook - and when he cooked, he was polite enough to ask what Felix wanted to eat, to see if they couldn’t both agree on something. The day after he came home, he knocked on Felix’s bedroom door and handed over his portion of the rent, all in cash.

One night, he asked Felix, “Do you have any of that special meat of yours to cook?”

Felix shook his head, thinking idly that if he hadn’t spent the holidays with Locus, he would have plenty. Shame his murder plans had been thrown off. “Butcher seems to be running short lately,” he said, texting like mad. “Remind me next month.”

“So, in, like… five days then?”

“Alright, smartass.” He had meant February and they both knew it.

All in all, Wash was easy to deal with. Felix didn’t consider him anything beyond a roommate, and Wash felt the same. It would have been a pleasant few days if Felix wasn’t going mad from overthinking what he had with Locus now; what it meant when Locus liked him and how that would affect everything. Especially with Locus living so close.

Usually, when someone liked him, Felix saw them less. He wouldn’t go so far as to say he avoided them, but he certainly didn’t take the extra effort to seek them out. It was how he managed to keep so many people interested in him, kept up a steady sex life with multiple partners. Sure, every now and then one would catch on that he was fucking other people and try to make a deal out of it, but he’d cut them loose and continue on with his life.

It was never hard.

But now, with Locus, it made him nervous. Not just the knowledge that Locus liked him, but the thought of having to sever what they had - it sent this cold spill of anxiety down his spine. He hated that. It should be just as easy as ever to stop being with Locus, and Felix knew it should. To keep his own sanity, he would have to. And yet he was hesitant to even think it.

He blamed everything on how close Locus was to him.

Like, literally. The guy was next door. It was going to be impossible not to see him. Felix was sure there was a way to deal with this, and he thought that talking to someone might actually lend help. After Sister’s spectacular failure at grasping the enormity of the situation, however, he wasn’t in the mood to try again. Instead, he played the game Locus bought him, pouring hours into killing zombies and harassing people online.

That was after work, of course. Even though the holidays were over, he still had early mornings and shifts that crawled by.

Strangely enough, that first day he went back to work, Felix had had to stop himself from marching into Locus’s apartment. And even after that, coming home to his apartment and seeing Wash in the living room was a tad disappointing. He couldn’t exactly weasel kisses and sex out of Wash and god knew that was the best part of being with Locus.

On the twenty-ninth, Felix expressed that feeling to Wash in the best words imaginable. “Y’know, when you were gone, I spent a lot of time with Locus. Definitely preferred coming home to a hot guy willing to fuck me.” He was sitting on the couch with Wash then, helping himself to Wash’s chips.

Wash shot him a frown. “Then go back over there,” he said, snatching the bag out of Felix’s hands. “Nothing’s stopping you.”

“You don’t understand.”

“I also don’t care.”

“Wow, you are a grade A dick.”

Wash just shrugged, turning his attention back to the TV. “Stop moping around,” he said. “You’re depressing.”

Felix scoffed. “I am _not_ moping.”

“You go to work, then hide in your room,” Wash said. “For you, that’s moping. I may not care what your love life is like, but I actually like it better when you do things. You bring the whole place down when you mope. It’s tiring.”

“Thanks for the input. Shame I never asked for it.” He left the living room then, back to his room to sink more time into video games and pretend Wash was not one hundred percent correct. Felix didn’t mope, but damn if he wasn’t close to it.

The next day, Felix had a phone call from Tucker that was as succinct as it was abrupt: “Give me back my car, asshole.”

Felix was sitting up in bed, awake at nine in the morning because of his goddamn ringtone. He was going to punch Tucker in the gut for waking him up so early. All he could manage to say was, “What?”

“My car,” Tucker repeated. “You have my fucking car.”

“Yeah, but you’re - “

“On the train home. You got two hours to come get me.”

And then all Felix had was the dial tone in his ear. He had a little over an hour before he absolutely had to leave. He spent three seconds sitting up, frowning at nothing, and then fell back onto his back with a groan.

Tucker sucked. Felix shouldn’t have to go get the asshole. He almost wished he had work early that day just so he could refuse. When he left, Felix passed Wash on the couch and asked if he would like to pick up Tucker instead. The answer, of course, was no. Not a chance. So Felix drove to the bus station, stopping just once to get coffee - it was early, he was cold. If he was late by a few minutes, Tucker could stand it.

Felix was late, and when Tucker got to the car, he was clearly annoyed. He stopped by the drivers’ side and glared through the window until Felix rolled it. “Get the fuck out,” he said instantly.

“Oh, I don’t know,” Felix said. “It’s pretty comfortable.”

“Felix, get out.”

Felix hummed, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel. “Get in the car, man. I’m hungry. You’re gonna treat me to breakfast.”

“What? No!”

“Uh, yeah.”

Tucker shook his head, opening up the back door to toss his bags in. “Get out of my car,” he said. “It’s my car. I’m driving.”

“Buy my breakfast.”

And then Tucker was at the front door, reaching in and shoving Felix away with one hand while he popped the lock on the door with the other. “I’m gonna kick your skinny ass,” Tucker said as he swung the door open. Felix cursed at him, reaching out to shove him away, and still ended up with Tucker pushing him into the passenger seat and over the console in between the seats.

Guy must be stronger than he looked to shove Felix over. Felix had to pull his legs back before Tucker sat on them, frowning. An awkward sort of tension hung between them now, and it was totally all Tucker’s fault. Who stormed a car and bodily threw someone like that?

The man was a monster. Clearly.

Felix broke the silence, of course, speaking up as Tucker pulled out of the bus station parking lot. “So, what are we eating?”

“I ate before I left,” Tucker said. “You can eat when we get home.”

“You woke me up.”

“That doesn’t change a thing, sorry.”

“Buy me food.”

Tucker heaved a sigh and Felix could hear his eyes rolling in his head. “Fuck off, Felix, I’m not buying you shit.”

Felix leaned his seat back, slamming his feet on the dashboard. He still had a coffee left and took his time in downing it. Tucker wasn’t happy about his boots on the dash and he knew it. Once the coffee was gone, Felix dropped the cup on the floor. “Alright,” he said, “if you won’t buy me food, I’m going to tell you how my holidays went.”

Tucker glanced at him. The look on his face was clear: he thought Felix was up to something; no way it could be that simple.

And he was right.

“I spent a week with Locus,” Felix started. “He had his reasons for staying, but I don’t think it’s important to the story. See, being in such close quarters with someone for so long, tension builds. Things happen.”

“Please stop talking.”

“There’s only so many times you can be close before it leads to sex.”

“Felix, I swear to god.”

“Quiet, Tucker,” he said, smirking. “I have to explain how great Locus’s dick is.” Then, to the background noise of Tucker’s cursing and urging him to stop, Felix told the story of how he got fucked blissfully by Locus. In detail. Amazing detail. For the hell of it, he pushed the seat all the way back mid-story, letting out a moan - that alone got Tucker’s attention, his head snapping Felix’s way.

“The fuck are you doing?” Tucker snapped. His voice was a little high, and that was great on its on.

“Setting the mood,” Felix answered. He cast his hand downwards, palmed at his crotch, and moaned again. “Oh, man… It was pure heaven, his cock inside me - “

“Oh my god, stop.”

There was no way in hell Felix was going to stop. He still had half the sex to get through, and it wasn’t like he was actually going to jack off in Tucker’s car. It would have been a shorter story, but Tucker seemed so bothered by it that Felix kept going. Added more details, like what it was like to suck Locus’s cock and to have his cock sucked by Locus. Absolutely worth the semi he had when he popped the seat straight back up and grinned at Tucker. “That’s all,” he said, “Until next time.”

“There is never going to be a next time,” Tucker said, voice strained, “because I am going to throw you out into the highway if you say anything else. And maybe run you over myself.”

“Are you jealous?” Felix’s grin grew. “It’s alright, man. We can fuck later if you really want to.”

“No. That’s disgusting.”

“You’re into it.” He nudged Tucker with one hand. “You’re into me. Hell, I bet that story turned you on, didn’t it?”

Tucker was surprisingly silent, glaring through the windshield.

For a second, Felix was as well. He sat there, just staring at Tucker, grin wilting. Until it exploded back and he laughed. “Ohoho, you actually are! You’re turned on right now, aren’t you?”

“Fuck you.”

“Don’t worry. I promised you, we’ll do that later.” When Tucker turned that glare onto him, Felix winked. “Gonna pound you into the mattress, baby.”

Tucker snorted. “Jesus Christ, is that how you flirt?”

“I save the best for you.”

“Please, don’t. Ever.”

“Alright, alright. No flirting.” Felix sighed, throwing his hands up in mock defeat. “Too bad you don’t actually have a dick,” he continued. “I could give you some killer roadhead.”

“I hate you so much.”

Felix wasn’t sure if that was because of him referencing the lack of a dick, or just because Tucker hated him in general. Either way, that wasn’t going to stop him from spouting an endless string of innuendos and awful pickup lines. It was great simply because Tucker was either telling him to shut up or getting embarrassed.

Though, Felix could hardly blame him for that. He was pretty great. Everyone should want to fuck him - but being embarrassed about it, that was new. That deserved to be mocked.

By the time they made it back to the apartment, Felix was nigh elated and Tucker was incredibly irritated. He hung around as Tucker picked his bags out of the car, giving him explicit details of what exactly they could do later, what Felix could do to him. As they headed for the stairs, Tucker told him (again) to shut up.

Then, he added, “Why don’t you go hang around Locus more?”

Felix faltered and missed a step, stumbling behind Tucker. “Uh. No thanks.”

“Seriously. Go bother him.”

“It hurts that you don’t want me around,” Felix said. “It really, truly does.”

“You’re an annoying little freak,” Tucker said.

“Ouch. My feelings.” Really, he was absolutely not going to go over to see Locus. Why did people keep telling him to go see Locus?

“If you don’t want to see him,” Tucker continued, “then can you shut the fuck up about him? Guy’s creepy enough without me having to know about his dick size.”

“I do not talk about him that much.”

They were heading up the third floor stairs now, and Felix was sure it was taking far too long for these last two stories.

“Dude, like, ninety percent of what you’ve said to me was about Locus.” Tucker paused just to look back at Felix, this stupid amused look on his face. “It’s like you guys are married already. Be kind of cute if you weren’t awful and everything I heard wasn’t about sex and his body.”

There was no way in hell he talked about Locus that much. His only retort was, “I’m not cute.”

“I know. You’re fucking awful, and I hate you.”

This conversation with Tucker was dead, had died as soon as he had brought Locus into it. It wasn’t fun to tease someone if they acted like this. Felt more like Felix was being mocked instead. So as soon as they made it to the apartment, Felix went straight back to his room to do the same thing he had been doing. There was still a few hours before he went to work and he was determined to do nothing meaningful with that time.

✹ ✹ ✹

Felix didn’t have a day off from work until the fourth. Which meant he did literally nothing but play games and work and complain until that day off - okay, part of that day as well. A good part. Sister’s plane got in that day, but Tucker didn’t bring her back to the apartment until late in the afternoon. Just like when she left, Felix met her at the kitchen table with a fresh meal and a bottle of wine. Difference was, she brought the wine, and Wash had made the food. Which meant, sadly, none of Felix’s preferred meat; it was some kind of beef and cheese disaster with rice thrown in.

He took to the time to tell Wash, “You’re a really messy cook,” before shoveling it in his mouth.

Wash frowned, muttered something about his boyfriend liking it, and - again - disappeared into his room.

Sister watched him go. “Yo, he’s still hidin’ in there?”

“All the time,” Felix said.

“I knew he was boring, but wow, that’s gotta be totally boring. Sit in a room and do what?”

“He studies a lot.”

She made a face, finally turning back to her food. “Ew.”

Tucker joined them then, with his own plate of incredibly messy dinner. He said, “School hasn’t started yet, you fucking idiots.” A pause, where Felix ate more and Sister shrugged. Then, Tucker added, “Besides, his boyfriend’s over today.”

“What, seriously?” Felix asked. How the fuck did such a huge man get into the apartment without him knowing? “I didn’t see that mute fuck today.”

“You’ve been in your room,” Tucker said. “Dude, something could have crashed into the side of the building and you’d only notice if the power went out and you lost your stupid game.”

“Hey! My game is cool.”

“All you do is kill zombies.”

“Which is why it’s cool. Keep up, Tucker. You’re embarrassing yourself.”

Sister cut in then, with, “Damn, Felix. I thought you had a hot guy alert or something.” When he looked at her, she grinned. “Like, ‘daaamn, there’s that guy I wanna bone!’ Y’know?”

Felix said nothing.

Tucker sighed, one of those over-exasperated noises he made when he thought everyone was being stupid. “What the fuck, Kai.”

“I’m totally sure that’s how Felix works,” she said. Neither of them answered her, beyond Felix giving her one hell of a cold stare, and she huffed a breath. “Whatever. How else do you know when your hot people are there?”

“There’s this thing called a phone,” he started, “and usually they text me. Do you know about texting?”

“Fuck you, man.” She flicked a piece of cheese-covered meat at Felix. It missed, falling on the table to the left of him. Rather than acknowledge her failure - or maybe before Felix or Tucker could - she changed subjects. “So, you fix things with your hot boytoy yet?”

Felix snorted. “Don’t call him that.” Sounded weird for Locus to be referred to as a ‘boytoy’. If anyone would fit that term, it was his drug dealer. He artfully avoided the question the best way possible: by ignoring it.

Too bad Sister didn’t let things drop. “Aw, you didn’t do anything, did you?”

Again, ignoring that. He tried to eat just a little bit faster without it being obvious that he was looking for a quick way out of here. Any excuse not to talk with her about this. Or anyone, for that matter. As far as Felix was concerned, this nonsense with Locus strictly his business only and he’d handle it when he felt like it.

People should really keep out of his business.

Yet again, Sister persisted. “With all those texts, I thought you would’ve done something by now. Even if that something was just to fuck the guy again. It’s weird for you to just sit around and do nothing.” Maybe it was more apt to say that Sister never knew when to shut the fuck up. “Oh, wait! Are you moping? Are you sad that the hot guy next door actually likes you?”

Felix sighed. “Shut up.”

“You’re the weirdest dude,” Sister continued. “Someone likes you and you act like it’s the end of the world.”

“There’s more to it than that,” Felix said, “and none of it is your business.”

“Woah, wait.” Oh good. Now Tucker had to weigh in. “You’ve been sulking ‘cause that Locus guy actually likes you?”

Felix set his fork down, sighing. This was skyrocketing past merely annoying; he couldn’t eat dinner around these assholes if this was the subject of choice. “What about ‘none of your business’ do you two not understand?”

Sister said, “It’s such a dumb thing to be mad about.”

Tucker said, “My god, your life is fucking terrible. How do you live with yourself?”

Yeah, definitely not going to sit here and deal with this. He stood up, intending to just leave without saying another word. In times like this, there wasn’t a point to arguing - the two dumbasses here would just keep ripping him apart. And for something they didn’t even understand. While he was leaving, Tucker said, “I’m sorry people like you, man! I keep telling them not to,” and Felix muttered insults under his breath.

Back in his room, the TV was still on, game paused. He had assumed that, after drinking enough to be tipsy at the least, he would come back here and slaughter zombies in a haze. Looking at the screen now, it was just a taunting image that hailed back to what everyone thought of his situation.

Felix was moping, hiding in his room and avoiding Locus. He played his game pretty much nonstop for no other reason than it kept him from leaving, from possibly running into Locus outside the apartment. It wasn’t like him to do this kind of thing - except it was. He froze people out regularly. Only difference here was that the other party lived next door.

And there was this small - very small, almost insignificant - part of him that wanted to be around Locus regardless. That little sliver of attachment was fucking Felix up.

It’d help if he had someone to talk to who actually understood why this was bothering him. Someone who wasn’t currently in some version of a committed relationship, who wouldn’t mock him for not wanting romance tied into his life.

Felix checked his messages, looking for anything that would be a good distraction from the hell of emotions. A quick fuck maybe, or he could check with Miguel and see if he could get some free weed - and then he saw a text from a girl he had hooked up with once or twice. All it said was that she was back in town, and he suspected it might be a mass text, but he knew that this girl in particular hated romance about as much as he did.

Perfect person to complain to about all this.

He called, and she answered with, “Hey, Felix! Haven’t heard from you in over a month. What gives?”

“I could apologize,” he said, “but, really, would you even believe it?” He let her go on for a little while about how unbelievable he was, not buying an inch of her offended tone. When she stopped, waiting for him to give a reason for calling, he hesitated.

Ultimately, this girl, Natalie, she knew so little about him that opening up about Locus troubles was unlikely to backfire. Felix said, “Some shit happened over the holidays - and by that I mean this guy I started fucking, he stayed here the whole week and it turns out he likes me. Like romantically. With feelings.”

“Oh, gross. Feelings.”

May every deity in the world award Natalie with riches for that one sentence. He could hear the disdain in her voice - real this time, not the fake act from earlier. He sighed, relieved. Finally. Someone who understood. So he launched into this long spiel about the holidays, about Locus, about the sheer disappointment of another man succumbing to his charms.

When he finished, Natalie asked, “So, what’re you gonna do? Avoid the guy?”

“Yeah, that’ll take a miracle. He lives across from me.”

At that, Natalie snorted. “So, you can’t be a jackass then. Looks like you’re gonna have to get over yourself and talk to him.”

Felix made a face, picking at the edge of a blanket with two fingers. “Uh, no.”

“Uh, yeah.” She was mocking him. After only a few minutes, this girl thought she could mock him. “Yeah you are.”

“When I called you,” Felix said, “I assumed you’d understand why I don’t want to go over there and talk to him right now.”

A pause. Then, she sighed. In the background, he could hear noises as if she was putting things down - or away, maybe. The clattering sounds of glass on glass. “If you actually want my advice,” she said over the noise, “I’ll need more to go on. Can’t just read your mind and figure out why this guy liking you is so bad you’re going to avoid him.”

His first instinct had been to ask just what she was doing, but that was stupid and probably just him avoiding the issue at hand. Instead, he gave up. “I have no idea what you mean. Isn’t the fact there’s romantic things in my life bad enough? Can’t I just want to avoid the mushy bullshit?”

“Is he that type of guy? Gonna lay a confession of love on you? Serenade you in the moonlight?” She sounded amused, and that was making Felix annoyed. “Are you gonna go visit him and have a romantic dinner?”

“Not at all.” If anything, Locus trying to do ...well, any of that, Felix was pretty sure the guy would work himself into an anxiety fit and the evening would likely be spent with him awkwardly patting Locus on the back and telling him it was okay if things didn’t go like he planned. That wouldn’t be romantic at all.

Natalie was still going, talking about Locus holding his hand and “whispering such sweet declarations of his feelings for you that your heart skips and - “

“What the fuck is your deal?” Felix said blandly.

Natalie laughed, quiet and soft and that was really an attractive sound. Too bad he was too annoyed to appreciate it. “Sorry. I read a lot of these shitty romance novels.”

Before he could stop himself, he asked why. And then she was explaining how even though she personally could not appreciate it, romance was fascinating. People having feelings was so interesting, she said, up until it was directed at her.

That sealed it then. Calling Natalie about this was a huge mistake. ”God help me,” Felix muttered. “My life and my current problems are not one of your novels. Can you please just help me?”

“Talk to him,” she said instantly. “That’s about all I got. Like I said, would need more info to give you better tips.”

Felix was basically glowering at a spot on his wall now. What a useless call she was turning out to be. “I am not going to talk to him.” At least, not right now.

When Natalie spoke next, her tone had turned serious. There had been this rhythmic quality to her words that had made her sound like she was always two seconds from laughing, and that was gone now. “Listen, Felix. I can’t say whether we’ve had the same experiences or not, but there has been times in my life where I didn’t want to let go of someone just because they had feelings for me.”

Here, Felix was tempted to tell her that he didn’t care what happened in her life.

“Whatever reason you have for being so thrown off by this, I figure it’s kind of the same thing. You like this guy too much to just cut him loose and bail - and I know it’s not romantic feelings, but people kind of need other people.”

“I have other people in my life,” he said automatically. It was true. He didn’t need Locus’s company, not when there were so many people willing to spend a night or two with him.

“And yet here you are, calling someone you’ve only seen a few times and asking for help.” In the background, those clattering noises had started up again. “Look, I’m at work - and don’t chastise me for talking to you, it’s a family owned business. I can basically do whatever i want so long as I don’t break dishes.” Another pause, then the sound of a door shutting. “I have to go, Felix. You can call back later, but I swear if you don’t talk to him, I will find you. I will make you. I will shut you in a room with him if I have to.”

“You are way too adamant about this.”

“I like helping people.”

Sounded like a cop out answer. Before he had a chance to say anything else, Natalie gave a rushed goodbye and the call ended. Felix lowered his phone, frowning at the wall still; his free hand still restlessly plucked at his blankets, and there was this uncomfortable nervous pressure in his chest. He didn’t want to talk to Locus, not about the feelings. And, sure, there were easy ways to bypass mentioning it but all of those involved pretending he was still feeling something.

Felix kept up these games, these false romances with multiple people. It was easy - frustrating, but easy. Always a preferable option when he wanted to keep someone around.

Locus shouldn’t be any different. He was just a guy Felix had fucked a few times.

For whatever reason, the idea of leading Locus on like so many others was a sour one.

It didn’t matter anyway. Felix turned off his game and the TV; suddenly, the appeal of mindlessly slaughtering zombies was gone. That night, he went out for the sole purpose of finding solace in cold-blooded murder. He took the time to watch the life fade from the poor idiot he attacked and then set to slicing out the best parts.

This, he was sure, would always be relaxing.

✹ ✹ ✹

Felix never went to see Locus. There were texts, short conversations where Felix carried on about how busy he was and he was very sorry that he couldn’t come by. He told Locus about how now that everyone was back from the holidays, people kept wanting to talk to him, to see him, to spend time with him. It wasn’t as if Felix was lying - not technically, anyway. There were people and those people did want to spend time with him.

Those ‘people’ were mainly Miguel and a couple of hookups, but he was allowed to embellish his own life. And he certainly didn’t have to tell Locus how the only one he had responded to was Miguel, to agree to spend the night tomorrow. It was almost sad how relieved he was to get out of the apartment. Just a way to actively do something rather than dwindle away the hours shut up in his room would be fantastic. With Miguel, it would also be a way to get free weed and damn if being high a good portion of the time wouldn’t be nice.

But first, he had to get through today. Another work shift that started early, at nine in the morning, and Felix wanted to slam customers’ faces into the floor the more time he spent in that hellhole.

During his lunch break, his anger overpowered the need to avoid, and he texted Locus, “Never get a job in retail.”

He didn’t bother to reply when Locus answered, just bypassed the text to bother Tucker about drinks tonight. If he had to spend another three hours in this store, then he was drinking himself stupid tonight and Tucker was going to pay for it. Not that Tucker agreed until Felix sent: “Count it as half of what you owe me for the December rent.”

Who could have guessed that drinking was preferred over handing Felix money?

By the time his shift ended, the promise of alcohol was incredibly appealing. He spent the bus ride home on the phone with Tucker, grilling him on what kind of alcohol and food would be at home. Halfway through, it started snowing again, and Felix glared between crowds of people and the white bullshit littering the ground.

The walk from the bus stop to his apartment wasn’t too long, but he much preferred it during the warmer months, when he didn’t have to trudge through freshly fallen snow. He flipped the hood of his jacket up as soon as he got off the bus, but at some point, a gust of wind blew it back. Fantastic. Felix grumbled, but didn’t bother pulling the hood up again; he had his hands shoved in his jacket pockets, and merely hunched his shoulders and sped up. The wind picking up didn’t bode well - not likely to be a blizzard, but bad enough that he was positive he wouldn’t want to leave again once he got home.

He could only hope that Tucker had everything he wanted, ‘cause if he had to go out in this mess again, someone was going to die.

At his building, Felix squeezed between two cars. He knew who they belonged to - one was Locus’s; the other, gifted with a heavier amount of snow, belonged to some grouchy man on the second floor who liked to tell Felix he was going to hell at every possible chance. Felix paused despite the cold to pull his keys from his pocket. That man was such a nuisance that Felix was going to drag his keys across the front of the car. If he’d had a knife on him, he might have slashed a tire or two.

He hadn’t even put the key to the metal when his name rang out in the cold. Felix froze, staring down at the snow-covered hood of the car and feeling tension winding into his shoulders. He hadn’t expected Locus to actually be in his car, didn’t even bother to look - but, then again, he also had no idea when Locus would be out of the apartment since the semester ended.

Basically, he fucked up here. Avoiding someone meant not walking straight into them. He cast a look in Locus’s direction as he dropped his hand back to his side.

Locus spoke first. “What are you doing?”

“Not a thing.” He knew as he said it that Locus wouldn’t believe it, and rolled his eyes. Told himself not to get stuck in a conversation with someone he was actively avoiding. And then started talking anyway. “Guy who owns this car likes to tell me I’m going to hell. Every single time I run into the bastard, he lectures me on sin and godliness and okay, okay. I know, what did I do to piss this guy off?” He had his eyes trained skyward, as if addressing the falling snow. Out the corner of his eye, he could see Locus approaching. “And maybe - just maybe - having my drug dealer fuck me up against the back of the building wasn’t the best idea, but it was a damn good one.”

Locus grumbled something that Felix didn’t care to pay attention to. A hand landed on his shoulder and Felix simultaneously wanted to shrug it off and turn into Locus, accept a warm embrace he knew would be offered. “What were you going to do to the car?” Locus asked.

“Just scratch it up a little, no big deal.” He went back to staring pointedly at the car again, feeling Locus’s hand slid down his back. He didn’t look up until that hand was sitting on his waist and Locus grasped him by the wrist. Locus turned him, pulling him from the car, and Felix looked straight into his eyes and instantly told himself he shouldn’t have.

There was this tint to Locus’s eyes, a hard touch of anger that sharpened his gaze. Made the grey of his eyes seem to snap into focus, staring down at him like they could see through him. It was definitely one hell of a look and Felix was a little disappointed he didn’t know the cause of it. That was a look he could used to seeing, but only if it came with sex.

He should probably get away from Locus. He took a breath to say a quick goodbye, already trying to pull back, but what came out was, “The asshole shouldn’t have come to see who was fucking, okay? Not my fault if he earned himself a great view of a cock in my ass, shouldn’t be told I’m going to hell for it.”

One of these days, he was going to learn to shut up.

Locus’s hands fell from him, but he was still close enough to catch the intensity of the anger rise in Locus’s eyes. Felix was curious if it was him being seen having sex or fucking someone else that was getting that sort of reaction. Whichever one, it was starting to make him a little horny. He wanted to goad Locus into fucking him so hard he couldn’t speak, but he wasn’t going to do that.

Not right now. In the freezing cold wind and snow.

Not when Locus had feelings and Felix was refusing to broach the subject.

He had drinks waiting for him. That was far more important, and he took a breath to remind himself of that.  

Locus spoke again before he could say anything else. “Haven’t seen you in a while.”

Which was a polite way to say they hadn’t spent any time together since Christmas. This was getting awkward really fast - but maybe only for Felix. Maybe for once, Locus didn’t have anxiety and it was just Felix with the monster gnawing at him. He said, “Yeah,” while starting for the building again.

Locus fell into step beside him. “You wouldn’t happen to be free tonight, would you?”

“No.” He paused by the elevator, slamming the button and bouncing on his feet. Now that he was cut off from the wind, his face felt colder than ever somehow. “Got plans with Tucker.”

The elevator opened and they stepped inside. As soon as the doors closed, Felix felt like he was going to suffocate by his nerves, and then Locus had a hand on his face. Reflexively, he stepped away. He didn’t bother to apologize for it.

Locus said, “Have I done something to you?” The accusation in his voice was strong; Felix avoided looking at him. “I’ve tried to talk to you, and all I get in return is excuses and then silence. If I’ve done something wrong, I’d appreciate it if you told me instead of whatever this new game of yours is.”

“I’m not playing a game,” Felix said quietly. He kept his attention locked on the elevator doors and thought that it took far too long to go up five stories.

“I don’t understand,” Locus said.

The elevator opened again and Felix took a step out, knowing Locus was following him. His heart was pounding at his chest and he knew that all he had to here was say that romance made him uncomfortable, but he started for his door instead.

Locus snagged him by the wrist, and Felix glanced back at him. The anger from earlier was gone, replaced by frustration. “You forced yourself into my life,” Locus said, “and now I can’t even get you to answer a text.”

Felix said nothing, biting at the inside of his cheek to keep anything from spilling out.

“I spent my holiday with you,” Locus continued, voice dropping. There was an edge to his voice that Felix recognized, this almost pleading tone that he had never thought to hear from this man. “I let you into my life, Felix. I - I slept with you, and that’s not something I let happen regularly.”

“Yeah, this is all very nice,” Felix said, “and I appreciate the sentiment - really. I’m glad you enjoy my company enough to fuck me, but I have to go.” He watched as Locus’s brow furrowed, felt the hand on his wrist tighten. “Sorry it’s not working out how you expect, but that’s life, isn’t it?” He paused to pull his hand free, turning back to his door. “I’ll see you around, Locus.”

The door to his apartment opened with a welcoming warmth, and once inside it, Felix leaned against the closed door like it would save him from drowning. His heart was still pounding way too fast, battering against his ribs and feeling like it lodged in his throat at the same time. Nervous energy still wracked his body and he hated it.

No one should give him this sort of reaction. Never had a problem cutting people off before, and when Felix finally pushed off from the door, it was with a resolute energy to get blackout drunk. Hopefully he could drown his lingering attachment to Locus and any resemblance of human emotions attached to it.

Why should he feel bad for what he just did? It was stupid.

Tucker was watching him, already drinking from a bottle. “Hey, asshole,” he said cheerfully. “Already started.” He gestured at the drinks laid out on the table and the pizza boxes in front of him. One was open, a slice missing. “Whatever the hell made you look like you’re gonna cry is off subject, got it?”

Felix sank into a chair, grabbing his own drink. “I’m not going to cry,” he said, taking a long drink that ended up as him chugging half the bottle. “But I do need to get really, really drunk tonight.”

“I think we got that covered,” Tucker said. “There’s cokes in the fridge for mixing if you want to just - yep, okay, bring me one too.” He watched as Felix stood, and was still watching him when Felix came with two cokes, and a pair of glasses. “Sweet, thanks.”

“Where’s Sis gone off to?” Felix asked. He reached for a slice of pizza before starting to mix his own drinks.

Tucker shrugged. “She saw it start to snow and bolted. Something about needing to leave before she got stuck here for the night.”

“Damn. She’s always so much fun when we do this.”

“Yeah. Wash is gone too, so… Just us tonight.”

Felix was alright with that. There was never anything weird with Tucker, not even when they got drunk together. Even when they were alone, when the drinks led to sloppy makeout sessions and sex, there was never any lingering feelings. Tonight, Tucker reached for him first and Felix leaned hungrily into it, kissing with the sort of fervent energy that could only lead to sex. It was quick, messy sex, with both of them still half clothed and too impatient to do much foreplay. Like every time, they fucked on Tucker’s bed, and Felix rolled off him after to sprawl in the sheets.

Tucker laid beside him, between Felix and the wall. He said something like, “Can’t make this a habit.”

Felix grunted a response, trying to shimmy the rest of the way out of his pants without having to move. He succeeded and rolled over onto his stomach, clutching at one of the pillows and letting sleep pull him under.

The part of this he hated was waking up, because it usually consisted of Tucker kicking him until he woke up. Or, like now, shoving him bodily onto the floor. Curled up on the floor and trying to wrap his head around what just happened through the slog of a dull hangover, Felix listened to Tucker telling him to get the fuck out of the room.

Tucker always seemed to have such urgent business whenever they fucked. And it always included Felix leaving as soon as possible. Vaguely, Felix wondered if Tucker was ashamed at having slept with him again, and if he was more coherent he might have asked. Instead, he just picked up his discarded pants and shuffled to his own room.

A few minutes later, Tucker eased his door open, said, “You left this,” and tossed Felix’s phone onto his bed. “An alarm went off. You gotta work or something?”

Felix’s answer was a desperate groan for more sleep.

Tucker snorted. “Take that as a yes. Get some coffee or something, stop acting like you’re dying.”

Eventually, Felix made it out of bed, but only when his alarm went off again. He did make himself some coffee, and then proceeded to drink two cups of it before even grabbing something for breakfast. His phone read nine in the morning and he already felt like he was dragging himself through hell. It was sure to be a great day at this rate.

At least later, he had Miguel, drugs, and the promise of good sex.

✹ ✹ ✹

By the next Monday, the new semester would start, and seeing how his time off was going, Locus was ready for something new to focus on. With his current luck, all new classwork would be awful and do nothing to stress him out.

Even that would be welcome. Much preferred over the mess he was now.

For nearly two weeks now, Locus had been waiting for Felix to continue bothering him. He expected the texts, for Felix to be knocking at his door at any hour of the day. And then he was waiting for anything at all, to the point that he was anxious simply because nothing was happening. There was no huge falling out like what happened in those absurd dramas on TV. There was just… nothing.

Two days after the new year, and Locus had tried to accept that for whatever reason, Felix wasn’t talking to him. Which really only irritated the anxiety worse, and he was still trying to dissect every single little encounter with Felix, every word he had ever said. There had to be some reason, something he had done wrong and hadn’t noticed.

Then he ran into Felix, in the cold and the snow, and there was a moment where he thought things were fine. That thought was killed after only a few short minutes, leaving Locus to watch Felix disappear into his apartment. Leaving him even more confused, frustrated, and vastly annoyed.

By the end of the night, the anxiety was still insisting it was his fault. Locus had a better idea: Felix was an asshole. A beautiful, charming snake who forced his way into Locus’s life, bit him, and fled. It shouldn’t be surprising - Felix was definitely the type to take what he wanted and leave.

Still, as Locus went to bed that night, there was an ache in his chest that he tried to ignore.

The next day came and, out of habit, Locus was awake by eight. He left his room to make something quick to eat, intending to take it and a glass of water back to his room. Anxiety was already gnawing at him, leftover and persistent from the day before, and he was going to drown it out with medication while he ate. Beyond that, he didn’t really have anything else for the day. Usually he would have gone to the gym, but the mere thought of seeing Felix again was annoying him.

It was just easier to stay home.

He was still cooking when Grey emerged from her room. She wore scrubs, but no shoes, and the mess of her hair gave off the image that she had just woken up. For all Locus knew, she had slept in those scrubs. She fixed Locus with a quizzical stare when he greeted her, not answering. After a couple of silent seconds, Locus turned his attention back to his food.

Soon after, a hand tugged at his wrist - Grey, standing beside him now. She had moved up so quickly and quietly that he hadn’t even noticed, and now she was pressing two fingers over his wrist.

“What are you doing” he asked.

“Checking your pulse.” She smiled when he frowned, and added, “I was only wondering if you had died in your room at some point.”

This was ridiculous. He rolled his eyes and shook her off, turning back to cooking. “I spend a few days in my room and you think you’re a comedian?”

Grey snorted. When Locus glanced back, she had pulled her hair loose from its tie and was in the midst of trying to fix it. It wasn’t working, but he wasn’t going to tell her that. “I’m always a comedian,” she said. She sounded far too cheerful for someone who had just gotten out of bed. “And besides, like you said, I haven’t seen you in days. Are you busy? You must be if you’re never home.”

Locus’s only response to that was a low, quiet noise and to add more salt to his eggs.

Behind him, Grey was opening the fridge - and still talking. “Oh, it must be so fun to actually have time to do whatever you want. I get home from vacation and _bam!_ More work. Never-ending work.”

“You like your work.”

“I do! It’s great!” He could hear the grin in Grey’s voice. “Last night, I got to help amputate a man’s leg and it was sooo gross. Greatest thing in the entire shift! Except - oh!” The fridge door slammed and Locus jerked, whipping his head back to meet Grey’s accusatory stare. “You’re trying to change the subject.”

He wasn’t, but it would have been great if she had just talked endlessly about work.

“We’re talking about you,” Grey said. She spun the lid off the iced coffee bottle in her hands, leaning against the fridge. “And why I haven’t seen you.”

“I’ve been busy.”

“Doing what?”

“Grey…”

“Tell me how you’ve been, man.” A pause. “Also, can you make me some food?”

He sighed. “I’ll need more eggs.”

She handed it over after a few seconds, and followed that up with pancake batter. Locus hadn’t intended to cook this much, but it wouldn’t be too bad. Especially since he could just help himself to pancakes as well. It was peaceful for as long as he was cooking. Grey was easy to turn back to her work, and Locus directed the conversation (mostly one-sided) to be purely about who had turned up in surgery the last few days and if she had any memorable patients.

Most of what she talked about was absolutely disgusting, but she was so enthusiastic about it that Locus ended up paying attention. Although, he really did not need the details about what it felt like to break through bone.

That nice pleasantry ended as soon as he started to head back to his room.

Grey said, “You’ve been avoiding things again, haven’t you?”

“I’m not going to talk about my life with you.” He had a full plate of food in his hands. He’d already have to make a second trip, and discussing his life in that short time was not going to happen.

Grey’s voice followed him as he went into his room. “What are you avoiding?” she said loudly. “Why are you hiding in your room?”

Locus set the plate down, trying very hard to ignore Grey’s entire being. She stared him down with a plate of pancakes from the table. All he wanted was a glass of water and anti-anxiety meds, and then silence. Very simple.

Grey said, “What do you have to avoid, Locus? I’ve told you before”-he started to walk away and she raised her voice- “you can’t hide from things in your room.”

“Stop trying to talk about my life.”

He was almost in his room when she said: “It’s Felix, isn’t it?”

Really, Locus was annoyed that he had stopped walking. it just gave her the idea that she keep talking.

“Ohhh, it is!” She was standing again now, still holding a fork coated with syrup. “What happened with you two? You were getting along so well! You spent the holidays together and sent me cute photos.”

On one hand, she did sound concerned. As if Locus’s problems genuinely upset her. But they were his problems, and at the very root of it was Felix. Quietly, Locus said, “Don’t talk about him.”

“I just wanna help you.”

“You aren’t helping,” Locus said. “Prying into my business is not helping. Demanding to know what happens in my life is not helping. If anything, you are making things worse.”

Grey made a face at him, rolling her eyes. “Lovely mood you’re in today,” she said. “So, it’s a really bad problem with Felix, got it.”

“Emily.” He tried to put as much anger into just one word as possible.  For the most part it worked. She dropped the subject at least.

“I’m done!” She dropped her fork onto the plate to throw her hands up. Sign of surrender. “Just, y’know, if you feel like talking, something interesting came up and you should talk to me about it, like soon. Very soon. Today soon.”

“No.”

“They dragged a body out of the river!”

He paused, looked back, and studied Grey’s wide-eyed face. Seconds passed, and all she did was smile. “....Give me an hour,” he said. “And do not try to talk about my personal life.” And then he closed his door, left with the peace and quiet that he wanted. Even if it was for a short while, it was always nice to not have to worry about other people. He spent the next hour on his laptop; originally, it was to check and make sure everything was in line for the upcoming semester, but he ended up on a forum fairly quickly.

When Locus left his room again, it was almost exactly an hour later. Only off by a couple of minutes. He bided his time first rinsing, then washing his dirty dishes and was closing the cabinet doors when Grey finally popped out of her room. She had taken the time to get ready for the day, though that consisted of swapping her scrubs for comfortable loose clothing and managing to pull her hair back in a manageable bun. There was a laptop in her hands that, as it turned out, was hosting six different news stories about this body discovered.

It had been found late in the night by a pair of ‘indisposed young adults’ - obviously drunk college students - though none of the articles would say what they were doing on a river in freezing weather.

“Probably frat boy things,” was all Grey said about it. “Like, hazing or whatever it is. Y’know, spend a night on the river, get in the frat?”

“I don’t know if that’s how it works.”

“You’ve never been in a frat. You don’t know anything.”

So. College students, drunk, doing something they (most likely) should not have been doing. Once they called the police, the body dredged out of the river was identified as a man in his late-thirties or early-forties, well-built. One articles merely said there was ‘multiple lacerations’, another went so far as to say ‘five missing pieces of flesh’. According to Grey, it was more than five, but she wasn’t allowed to know just how many exactly. “I’m not cleared for official police business,” she added with a huff of breath. She was, apparently, allowed to know that the body had been dead for only a couple of days, a fact that was not in any articles yet.

After Grey had gone through each article and pointed out where the body was in each photograph - not visible - she instantly turned the subject onto the serial killer. It had been a couple of months at least since a body was found; just as always, the murderer had taken his time in killing again. This latest one, being discovered so soon, seemed a bit sloppy, and Grey managed to talk to Locus for over an hour on that and if it meant the killer was going to be caught soon or not.

It was an interesting thing to think about. If this killer was not disposing of his victims as well as before, would it be his downfall?

Even after Locus left for his room again, after Grey had bounced off the couch prattling on about seeing her girlfriends, he started his own search on this latest victim. It led him to a list of previous victims, then to an attempt to psychoanalyze the person behind the murders. It was vague, things drawn from the author’s apparent study of each individual murder. One personality trait it listed was impulsiveness, and the entire basis for it was drawn from the body found behind a club months back. This person, an amateur profiler, claimed that by leaving a body at the scene of the murder rather than disposing it as usual, the killer displayed his impulsive nature.

Locus wasn’t too sure if that was a stretch or not. There had to be plenty of reasons for leaving a body behind.

It was a fairly long profile. If it was true, then the serial killer was able to blend easily into crowds, someone people wouldn’t look twice at. It would explain how he was still eluding the cops after setting such a steady rise of kills - which, according to this profiler, was seven rather than the official six given by the police. The extra number was attributed to that man that had been discovered in an abandoned building, and the author gave an argument for it as well, mainly hinged on the stab wounds and the violence inherent in the man’s murder. That was a bit of a stretch, to attribute this to the serial killer just for violence. It wasn’t as if there was only one person capable of stabbing someone.

Locus’s favorite part of how the author referred to the killer as the ‘Demon of Armonia’, if only because it was absurd enough to catch on with the internet crowds, provided anyone would read this.

For some bizarre reason, he thought that Felix would enjoy that title. He quit reading about the killer then, changing subjects to find something else interesting - and distracting. What he ended up doing was watching a movie, ignoring what he had left to fix before school started, and passing time on forums. Later in the afternoon, when he ran out of movies to hold his attention, he set out for a late workout at the gym.

All in all, not too terrible of a day. He managed to avoid too many conversations, watched a few movies he had been waiting to see, and was asleep before one in the morning.

And when someone was knocking on his door in the middle of the night, Locus tried his hardest to ignore it and go back to sleep. Over the course of a few seconds, however, that knocking went from insistent to a louder, almost frantic pounding that beat through the walls of the kitchen.

Really, sometimes Locus despised having the room closest to the kitchen, to the noise of cooking and people chattering - but he hated it most when he could no longer feign ignorance of someone at the door. Especially in the dark, where he couldn’t see anything. Locus rose from his bed, pulling his jacket from where it sat on his desk chair. He listened to the knocks as he did, brow furrowing. Whoever it was, they weren’t even pausing, no silence breaking the noise.

Before he left his room, Locus grasped his phone, flicking the screen on. Squinting at the light, he paused just long enough to read the time and breathe out a tired sigh.

Four in the morning, and someone was trying to beat his door down.

He left his room; the rest of the apartment was in silence. There were no noises from behind Grey’s door, and he wondered briefly if she was working tonight, if she would come back home in the early daylight hours, frowning and grumbling and disappearing again. A pity if she wasn’t home. She would have been much more fun to unleash on someone at four A.M. - a tired surgeon, woken up after a long day? Perfect person to frighten someone off.

Tonight, there was only Locus, and though he was fantastic at pulling glares that scared most people, it would absolutely not even phase the idiot he opened the door to.

Felix. A very wide-eyed Felix, still with one hand raised. There was panic etched into his face, and the first thing out of his mouth was, “Oh thank fuck. You took forever.” He lowered his hand just to grasp his other arm, fingers digging into the jacket he wore. “I need your help.”

Locus frowned. A day ago, Felix had been dismissive, basically told him that this was over. Maybe not in such blatant terms, but the tone of his voice was evident, the meaning was there, and whatever the two of them had was done. He wanted to ask about it, drill Felix for answers, but what came out was, “It is four in the morning.”

“Is it?” Felix didn’t seem concerned. His eyes flicked away from Locus, darting off the wide, over the railing. “Yeah, sorry. You’re just - you’re the only one who can help.” He spoke quickly, a desperate plea underlined his words, and he shifted on his feet.  A nervous energy was pouring off him, and Locus only frowned.

“You’ll talk to me when you need my help,” he said, “but never before then. Is that how it’ll work with you, now?”

Felix looked at him, brows knitted together. The perfect look of confusion. “What?”

“Yesterday,” Locus continued, “you didn’t seem too thrilled to be near me. Or talk to me. But now?”

He could see the realization hit Felix, and it was instantly dwarfed by irritation. Panic still flared at the edges of his voice: “Oh, c’mon! None of that matters right now!”

Locus would have argued otherwise. He should have. But then Felix was leaning forward, closer to him. There was this smell coming off him - the awful, rank smell of sweat, of something strong and sour that reminded Locus of the time a drunk man had pissed on his car. He stepped back from the smell and Felix didn’t even seem to notice. He gripped Locus’s doorframe with one hand, fingers shaking before he clutched the wood.

Felix said, “I’m going to go to jail if you don’t help me.”

Something in Locus’s gut churned, his heart thumped loudly in his chest, and he sighed. Perhaps the issues between them could wait, for now. After this was over, when Felix was calmer. He was curious as well about what Felix could have done.

For a moment, he said nothing. He stood there, examining Felix face, hearing him talk and stumble over his words and not really hearing it. Vaguely, he knew Felix was still pleading for his help and that he should give an answer. But, now that he studied Felix, Locus could see that he never really stopped moving. Hadn’t since Locus had opened the door; he was a constant stream of movement, of panicked eyes darting from Locus to the stairs to the parking lot - to anything that was open to the world outside, really.

A car passed through the parking lot and Felix cut himself off with a sharp intake of breath, a snarl twisting his face. The headlights glared up to them, just barely catching the floor, and Felix shrank away from it.

And that was when Locus caught full sight of his widened, fearful eyes. His pupils were blown out, and Locus very nearly shut the door on him.

Felix was high. It would explain his frantic movements, the fact that he still hadn’t shut up, maybe even the smell that surrounded him. He was high, probably extremely so, and Locus wasn’t sure if he was even under threat of going to prison.

The anxiety wouldn’t let him take the chance. His mind supplied him with the image of Felix in a prison uniform - small, scared, shut away for life. Absurd, but Locus caved. “Do I need shoes?” he asked, hushed.

Felix didn’t even pause, though some of the tension in his shoulders eased. “Yes, maybe,” he said. Words poured out of him, a never-ending fountain of them. Though he said yes, for Locus to get his shoes, he reached for Locus as he left. His fingers grazed Locus’s hand and then he brought his arm back to his side, shoving the jacket sleeve up on his other arm. Locus left him standing there, door wide open, and when he came back with shoes on, Felix was scratching along already reddened skin.

With a frown, Locus tugged his hand to stop him. Felix twisted his hand until he grasp Locus’s and then yanked him out the front door. There was barely enough time for Locus to close the door before Felix was marching across to his own apartment.

The kitchen light was on, as was the living rooms’, blaring more light than should be on for so late at night. Felix let go of Locus to slam the door shut, and Locus was sure that would wake someone up. Felix didn’t care, heading around the kitchen counter and starting into the living room. Locus called after him, quiet, hesitant to wake anyone: “Felix. Talk to me.”

“I am!”

It was true. Felix was talking, but it nonsensical, about how he’d prefer to bury something if he had the time, about how he didn’t know if he could handle prison. Locus came to stand beside him, frowning at the smell - it was stronger the closer they were, and Locus hated it. He set his hands on Felix’s shoulders anyway, squeezing; it almost felt like Felix was shaking, but he could have been wrong about that. “Tell me what’s going on,” Locus said. “Why are you - why do you think you’re going to prison?”

Felix’s eyes were sharp, but still so panicked. Frightened. “They _found_ _it,”_ he hissed. “It’s too early but they found it! I fucked up, and they - they fucking found him already, I’m so fucked.” He reached up to grasp Locus’s hands, tugging until Locus let him go again. He was inching toward the hall instantly, looking from Locus to a door to the right of them. Locus glanced over in time to catch it opening, and heard Felix’s last accusation - “And Wash is gonna turn me in, he knows!”

Washington stood in his doorway, the light from the living room throwing a long shadow behind him. Everything beyond him was dark. He yawned, squinting, and settled on Locus. “Oh. You.”

Locus said nothing. He wasn’t sure if he could. Washington was shirtless, tired eyes locked onto him, and Locus could only stare. He drank in the exposed skin, lightly tanned and - he assumed - peppered with scars that he wanted to find, to trace, memorize.

Wash sighed, raising a hand to run through his hair, and Locus followed the movement. “Do I even want to know what the hell is going on?”

Locus managed a deep, choked sound. He shrugged when Wash’s eyebrows raised in question. Words were impossible. Washington was breathtaking, and anything Locus could have said died in his throat.

Wash looked past him then, and Locus followed his gaze to Felix. For whatever reason, Felix seemed to be trying to hide behind the wall of the hallway, but he was leaning out to glare at Wash. “He’s high, isn’t he?” Wash asked.

That time, Locus actually spoke. “Yes.” He turned away from Felix, who had turned his glare onto Locus instead, and caught Washington in the middle of turning back into his room.

Wash said, “Just... make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid,” and Locus found his gaze transfixed to his back as he moved. Locus tracked over the muscles in Wash’s back until the door clicked shut again and he was forced to look away.

When he looked for Felix, he found nothing. Apparently, Felix had tired of hovering at the corner and frowning because Locus found him in his room. He sat on his knees before his fridge, on top of discarded clothes and papers, one hand holding something wrapped in foil. At his footsteps, Felix looked up.

“Gotta get rid of it,” he said, holding his hand out to Locus. Holding whatever he held out. “It’s evidence. I can’t keep it, if they find it, i’m done. That’s it.” His eyes demanded that Locus take this, and he did. Once free, Felix lowered his hand to scratch at his arm again.

Locus resisted the urge to stop him, opening the foil instead. Inside, wrapped once more in a thin sheet of wax paper, was a slice of meat. “Your evidence is meat,” Locus said.

“Yes.” That tone of voice meant Locus had asked a stupid question, that he should have known that. He glanced up to see Felix holding another foil-wrapped object in his hands. More meat, dredged from the small freezer compartment on the mini-fridge. “What did you think it was?”

“Why meat?”

Felix made a face, shaking his head. “Because they found him,” he said, repeating part of his tirade in the living room. When Locus didn’t instantly understand, he let out an irritated huff of breath and stood. The meat in his hands he placed on the fridge and he marched up to Locus, to glare up at him. “The cops,” he said, voice dropping, “found the body. I can’t have the meat. I’ll go to fuckin’ prison.”

It was obvious that Felix wanted him to understand, to fully grasp what he was saying, but Locus had to stand there and think. It was hard, with Felix telling him that Wash had clearly already called the police, that he was in danger the longer they stood here, but eventually it clicked. A body found. Police would be searching like always, desperately trying to find the person responsible.

The killer that evidently stood before him now.

The connection was there but Locus couldn’t wrap his mind around it. Around Felix - this adorable, idiotic, infuriatingly charming snake - that he could actually be a killer.

He said, “Felix,” and watched as Felix’s attention was turned back to him. “What is this meat from?”

Felix tilted his head; a short, humorless laugh pushed from his lips. “A person, Locs. The fuck did you think?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nicknames huh


	15. even if the sky is falling down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Felix talks about drug use at some point, but there's no details?? also, he's still high in half of this so yea.
> 
> this fic is cut up into three acts. this marks the completion of act one.

This was not at all what he had expected.

Felix went back to his fridge, pulling two more foil-wrapped pieces of meat from its freezer. He talked, about prison - “I can’t go to prison. I’ll die in there,” - and Locus barely heard it. He looked from Felix to the meat he still held, trying to comprehend what had just happened.

He was holding human flesh, cut and shaped perfectly. Could he believe that? At the moment, he wasn’t sure. If this was part of a person, part of the man that had been pulled from the river just that morning, then he should be revolted. At the very least, Locus supposed he should be frightened. Looking at Felix, however, he couldn’t find any fear. Felix was high, teeming with anxiety that Locus could recognize a mile away.

Felix wasn’t frightening. He was scratching at his arm again, at the raw red skin already there. His wide, panicked eyes were locked on Locus’s face and he said, “Locs? Hey, c’mon. Pay attention and help me out.”

Locus had missed whatever Felix had asked of him, too fixated on the meat in his hands, the prospect of Felix being a serial murderer. He said, “I’m sorry,” and reached out to stop Felix from scratching. The skin of his arm looked to be bleeding, and whether Felix had broken the skin or not, Locus wanted him to stop. “What did you want?”

“Jesus! The duffle!” Felix let out an irritated groan, brushing past Locus and throwing open his closet door. “You’re useless,” he continued, digging through the mess of discarded clothes on the closet floor. “Get one chance to eye-fuck Wash and now you’re useless.”

Locus frowned. For a moment, he considered arguing that. He decided to let it pass on the sole belief that Felix wouldn’t listen to him sober, so it would be impossible to reason with the fool when he was high. He kept silent as Felix muttered to himself, simply stood there when Felix emerged with an old, faded green dufflebag. Felix snatched the meat out of his hand, hastily rewrapped it, and tossed it into the bag.  “Get me the rest. Can you do that?”

“Don’t order me,” Locus said.

Felix made a face, complete with an eyeroll. That expression barely had an inch of the panic-fueled craze he had been showing earlier. It was still obvious when he spoke, weaving through every word. “Can you please, _please_ go get the meat?”

Locus stared at Felix before he moved, still trying to connect whom he saw with what he had been told. Even as he picked up the meat Felix had stacked on top of the fridge he couldn’t find it in him to accept that this was carved from a person rather than an animal.

As he turned back Locus was met with Felix, much closer than he had been, bag held open before him. That heavy, acrid smell still clung to Felix, filling the gap between the two. Locus dropped what he held into it, hoping that Felix would move before he had to breathe too much of it in.

He did, but only after saying, “You have to come with me. I gotta get rid of it, and you’re helping.”

The finality of that statement alone had Locus wonder just how Felix planned to dispose of this meat. As he followed Felix out of his room, he considered the possibility of being told to drive somewhere. Despite how the roads were coated with freshly fallen snow, he wouldn’t put it past Felix right now. By the time they had reached the door to the apartment, Felix had slung the duffle over one shoulder and was moving much quicker; he was already started down the stairs when Locus shut the door behind him, and only putting on speed. At the ground floor, Felix was nearly jogging - until he stepped into the fresh snow and stopped suddenly.

“Ah, shit,” he said softly. He stood, bouncing on his feet from restless energy. “Snow. I forgot.” Once Locus stood beside him, Felix threw one wild-eyed gaze up to him. “Locus! They’ll see our footprints.”

Locus frowned. “I’m sure it won’t be a problem,” he said.

“Of course it will!” Felix said. He stopped his bouncing, gesturing with one arm out to the white-coated parking lot. “Look at this. We take one step out there and they’ll see it, they’ll know where it is.” His voice rose as he spoke, from a hushed whisper to something that threatened hysterical screaming. “I can’t get rid of the meat if they can just follow my goddamn trail.”

Locus glanced at the apartment behind Felix. The windows were dark, blinds down and curtains most likely drawn, but he could easily picture someone waking up and coming to see what the commotion was outside. A stranger that would only aggravate Felix’s panic and lead to more problems. He said the first thing he thought of - “Felix, people will hear you if you don’t quiet down.”

In the next few seconds, Locus could see his words take root in Felix’s mind. The constant frantic energy didn’t waver, but his words stuttered before coming to a full stop. He ended up staring at Locus, face full of surprise and that same panic-laced fear. Quiet once more, he said, “Oh man, I didn’t even think of that. Do you think… does anyone else know?”

“I doubt it.”

Felix didn’t accept that, a frown etching through his features.

Locus instantly amended himself. “No one else knows, Felix. There’s not any way that anyone else knows.”

“Good,” Felix said, nodding. “That’s… that’s good.” Every word was spoken with so much deliberate care that Locus assumed he was forcing himself to speak quietly. He shifted the bag on his shoulder, hand crawling up to scratch at his neck. A few seconds passed of silence drifted between them and as Locus was wishing he was wearing something warmer than the thin pants he slept in, Felix spoke again. “Okay. I know what to do.”

He was gone before Locus could even get one word out, setting out in the snow. At first, Locus just watched him go, squeezing between two cars and trudging out into the open parking lot. Then Felix stopped, turned back to him, and though Locus couldn’t make out what was being said, he could hear Felix’s voice calling to him. So he followed, in shoes not equipped for the snow and pants that were long enough to sink into the snow with step.

Felix led him to one of the adjacent buildings, assuring Locus - and perhaps himself - that this would work just fine, everything would be fine. Behind the apartment building, a set of dumpters was placed on the other side of a narrow paved road that was, like the rest of the complex, currently coated in snow. Felix walked right up to one of the dumpsters, lifted the lid up a couple of inches, and then he was once again staring at Locus. He raised his voice again just to order Locus to “put your muscles to use and hold this damn thing.”

This was anticlimactic. Locus stood there, holding a dumpster open just enough for Felix to throw wrapped pieces of meat in one-by-one. There wasn’t going to be a long, quiet drive to some hidden place like Locus had entertained earlier. He wanted to ask Felix if this was really his great idea, the best possible idea to get rid of what he was so convinced was evidence.

He wanted to pry for details on the meat, on the fact that Felix had more or less confessed to murder. Instead, all that happened was Felix telling him to shut it, Felix saying it was cold and he wanted to go back. A good portion of his panic was fading fast, and he seemed content to walk alongside Locus as they headed back home.

A car drove past the apartment complex. One single car, head lights bright, gone as quickly as it had come. And yet Felix had jumped, latching onto Locus instantly. Even as the tail lights disappeared, hidden by the buildings, Felix slid his hand into Locus’s. Freezing cold fingers laced between his, squeezing tightly. From beside him, Felix said, “You’re with me, right?”

Locus paused. They stood at the edge of the building, and Felix was staring at him with accusing eyes. “What?”

“I mean, you’re gonna keep this a secret,” Felix said. “You have to. I trusted you with this, you gotta be on my side here.”

“Why wouldn’t I be on your side?” Locus asked. His mind gave him good answers, ranging from Felix’s flippant attitude to the very real possibility that he had just helped a serial killer dispose of human flesh. That really warranted a call to the police.

Felix’s gaze immediately turned sour. “You got that thing for Wash. Might take his side and tell the cops and turn me in.” He brought his other hand to where he held onto Locus, tracing over the back of Locus’s hand. “Don’t turn me in.”

Locus said, “I won’t,” without even thinking.

“And you won’t tell anyone.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

Felix nodded, and sighed - a quiet sound that was more seen than heard, the steam from his breath visible in the air. “I don’t wanna go home,” he said. “Can I go to your place?”

The reasoning for that was probably something else about Washington and the police, all of it fueled by whatever paranoia had gripped him. Locus agreed, and chided himself as Felix leaned forward to press against his side. He was angry at Felix, he reminded himself, because Felix had dismissed him, had plagued him with anxiety for days.

Felix said, “Thank you,” before Locus could say anything else.

Locus was intent on talking about what exactly had happened yesterday. He wouldn’t forget it, but tonight… well, it was late and it was cold. Talking could wait. In the meantime, he walked with Felix back to the elevator, riding to their floor. Felix held his hand until Locus opened the door to the apartment, and then he was at the fridge. He withdrew with a bottle of water, and made it to Locus’s bedroom before Locus had finished locking the door behind them.

In the bedroom, it became obvious very fast that Felix was going to be difficult to deal with tonight. The duffle bag had been tossed to the floor near the door, the faded fabric stained in places - dark stains that Locus instantly saw as old blood stains. He picked it up with a frown, setting it on top of his dresser, next to Felix’s unopened, abandoned water bottle.

Felix had taken to hovering around the window, peeking through the blinds and muttering about keeping a watch. He didn’t want to be caught unaware, he said, by those filthy cop bastards showing up out of nowhere. For a few minutes, he stayed there as Locus tried to ignore the growing stench. Without the open air to diffuse it - or certain revelations to help him ignore it - that smell was worse than ever.

If Felix was going to stay there, he was going to shower.

When Locus told him to take one, Felix said, “No, it’s fine. I’m fine,” and didn’t move.

Locus sat at his desk, laptop open to the forum. He had been considering asking these people if they had ever encountered anyone with the strange erratic behavior Felix had tonight. He frowned at Felix, watching as he peered between the blinds. “Go shower,” he repeated.

Felix didn’t even turn around. “I said no.”

Alright. If Felix wouldn’t do it himself, Locus would make him. He walked over to Felix and managed to lay his hands on Felix’s shoulders without the other moving. As soon as his hands hit Felix’s shoulders, Locus could feel him tense, and then Felix turned his head. He started to talk, but Locus tightened his hands and pulled him way from the window. Let Felix protest as much as he wished, Locus only strengthened his hold and steered Felix toward the bathroom.

“I’m not letting you stay here without a shower,” he said, pushing Felix into the center of the bathroom. He paused in the doorway. “Are you going to strip or do I have to do that for you as well?”

Felix was glaring. Any other time, Locus would have had innuendos and Felix’s poor excuse of flirting thrown at him. Tonight, all that happened was Felix pulling his jacket off and throwing it onto the ground without breaking eye contact.

Something about the action seemed childish.

“I can take my own clothes off,” he snarled.

Locus nodded once and withdrew, closing the door behind it. Not two seconds later, he caught the doorknob moving in the corner of his vision and was blocking the doorway again as it opened. Felix froze at the sight of him. “You’re really going to make me do this, aren’t you?” Locus muttered. “I never thought telling you to undress would be met with refusal.”

Thankfully, he didn’t really have to pull the clothes off of Felix. All he had to do was step into the bathroom and shut the door with the two of them inside, and Felix was slinging insults as he stripped. Locus stood where he was, arms crossed over his chest, willing himself to ignore the painful pricks of anxiety that prodded at him. Just because Felix was nude didn’t mean he had any reason to be anxious. It wasn’t as if they were doing anything.

He waited until Felix had turned on the water, forcing a glare that made Felix retreat into the shower, and then he left. As the door shut, Locus sighed, raising one hand to rub at his temples. He was tired, far too exhausted by his own thoughts and constant anxiety, and everything that happened tonight wasn’t helping. In the quiet, he could hear the water running in the bathroom and took that to mean that, hopefully, Felix was actually showering.

Locus helped himself to the water bottle Felix had brought in, drinking half of it before sitting back at his desk. The forum was still open, waiting for Locus to type the post he had barely started, and he took a couple of minutes to work on it. He got as far as mentioning Felix’s nervous energy when he heard the faint cursing from the bathroom and sighed.

Of course, when he opened the bathroom door, Locus caught Felix in the middle of stumbling out of the shower. The water still ran behind him, but he had one hand planted on the wall of the bathroom, one leg on the tile floor. He stared at Locus as water dripped onto the floor.

“What are you doing?” Locus said.

“I’m done,” he said.

“It hasn’t been two minutes.”

“So?”

“Get back in the shower, Felix.”

“No.” A pause. “And you can’t make me.”

Locus took a deep breath and released it in something akin to a growl. His head was starting to hurt, this entire situation reminded him of dealing with a younger sibling. He strode forward, grasped Felix by both arms, and shoved him back.

Felix struggled and, due to the water slicking his skin, slipped right out of Locus’s hands. He said, “I’m not doing it! It itches, okay?”

“You stink,” Locus growled. He had to take Felix in his arms and physically drop him back in the shower, and ended up with water clinging to his jacket because of it.

Behind the shower curtain, Felix was staring as if Locus had betrayed him. “You’re an asshole,” he said.

All Locus said was, “Can I leave you here while I go get you clean clothes from your room?”

The change in Felix was instant. The hurt look vanished instantly, and that same nervous look rose to replace it. ‘No!” he said, ripping back the curtain just enough to lean out. “Locus, seriously, don’t. Don’t leave me here.”

“I’ll just be next door,” Locus said carefully. He had thought that this had passed, that with the meat gone, Felix’s nerves were sated and he’d be a little calmer.

“Don’t leave me,” Felix repeated. He reached for Locus and gripped a loose section of a jacket sleeve. “Please don’t go,” he said, tugging on Locus’s jacket. “If you go there, Wash will convince you to turn me in. I know he will, it’s how he works. He just talks and people agree with him, and you already have that weird thing for him. Please, Locus.”

It was still strange to see how quickly his moods could change, but at least it was just the same paranoia. Locus said, “Clean up, Felix.”

“You’re going to leave - “

“I’m not.” He’d have to find something of his own to give Felix to wear, though what on earth would fit him was a mystery. Locus pulled Felix’s hand off his jacket as he spoke. “Just make sure to use soap. I’ll find you something to wear.”

Felix lowered his hand back to his side, watching as Locus picked up his discarded clothes. The smell clung to the clothing as well. Before he left, he caught Felix saying, “Clothes itch too,” and cast him a brief glance. At least Felix had soap in his hands now.

The clothes Felix had worn went straight into the washing machine. Locus only paused to fish Felix’s wallet, a few loose coins, and his phone from his pants pockets. His own wet jacket went in with the foul clothes.

Back in his room, he started to go through his dresser. Locus didn’t have a huge wardrobe to begin with, and anything old he had was simply worn out, not small enough to fit someone of Felix’s size. In the end, he found the pair of old sweats that Felix had worn once before - baggy, far too large. Locus chose it for the sole reason that he remembered finding Felix cute in it.

And he quickly forgot that was the reason, setting the folded pants on the top of the dresser. He couldn’t find a shirt that wouldn’t dwarf Felix and gave that up; let Felix sit shirtless, it was easier that way. He did find an old sweater for himself that he shrugged on in place of his jacket.

When he set the pants in the bathroom, he made sure Felix was still cleaning up. He was met with the sight of Felix sitting in the shower, and paused. He had the distinct impression Felix was pouting as he sat there, and for some reason, it only made him think that this person could be a serial killer.

There was a serial killer sitting in his shower, pouting about it.

Locus was sure his life had stopped making sense the instant he met Felix. He left the bathroom without a word, situating himself yet again at his laptop. He had a few minutes this time to type before he heard the bathroom door open. Instantly, before he turned, Locus switched tabs, hiding his forum post - still a work in progress, it now reached three paragraphs detailing how oddly “a close friend” was behaving. He mentioned Felix’s nervous energy, the panic and the fear, the paranoia over his roommate and the police. The smell and the constant scratching, the complaints of things itching - all of that was going to close the post off. He would finish it when Felix wasn’t looking.

At the bathroom door, Felix stood with the sweatpants hanging off the angle of his hips, towel draped around his neck. “Where’re my clothes?” he asked.

“In the wash.”

Felix hummed, a quiet, content sound. His eyes were focused on Locus’s chest for some reason and he said, “Can I have your sweater?”

Locus almost smiled. That wasn’t what he had expected, but then again, he had expected nothing about tonight. He said, “No,” and Felix huffed. The towel was dropped onto Locus’s floor and he frowned at it before watching Felix walk back to the window. He took the same spot as before, and then slowly sank to his knees. Locus asked, “What are you doing?”

“Don’t want to be caught unaware,” Felix answered. “Thought I told you that already.” He sounded calmer - much calmer than he had all night, and Locus wondered if his high was wearing off.

According to his laptop, it was just past five in the morning.

There wasn’t any harm in letting Felix stare out his window, especially now that he had showered and hopefully rid himself of that smell. So Locus left him to his own paranoia, taking the quiet moments to finish up this post. He knew he could look up the symptoms, but - and here, he was assuming - the anxiety would grab onto so many little things about drugs that it wouldn’t be worth it. Like with researching medical symptoms, Locus would find himself watching Felix over the course of a few days, analyzing every little movement he made, cataloguing things in his mind that pointed toward an unhealthy addiction.

To avoid that, Locus had this forum. He would tell these people, nameless beyond screennames, faceless beyond avatars, and only hope that someone had an answer.

Somehow, it was easier to talk about his life and problems when there wasn’t a face behind the words.

After posting, Locus looked back at Felix and was surprised to see him not at the window, but at his dresser instead. “Felix?” he said. “What - ?”

Felix straightened up, a sweater in his hands. “I want one,” he said simply before pulling it on. He had found Locus’s old college sweater, the one he had bought when he was eighteen and freshly enrolled in an Oklahoma state college. Felix ignored Locus’s frown, smoothing one hand down the front of it. “It’s warm,” he said.

Locus wanted to be annoyed, he really did. The sight of Felix wearing his old clothes was just too much and it was all he could do not to snort laughter. It hung off of Felix’s smaller frame, sleeves covering his hands. Felix was simply drowning in fabric and that was one of the more adorable things Locus had seen.

Not for the first time, Locus cursed himself for swaying so easily to Felix’s charms. Even when unintentional it worked. Locus was helpless to stop it.

He let Felix have the sweater, and then let himself be talked into getting up to get a fresh bottle of water - had to be fresh, Felix insisted on it. In the bedroom, Locus was coerced into sitting on the floor next to his window with Felix - “Come here,” Felix had said when he entered the room again, “Help me look out for cops.”

It was pointless to sit here with Felix, listen to him talk quietly about what he would do if the cops came. He said something about islands, and Locus nodded, leaning against the wall and letting his eyes close. He drifted to sleep quickly, though it was a light doze; he could still hear Felix’s voice as he slept, hear his name spoken.

He woke to Felix’s hands on his shoulders, shaking him. Through the grogginess weighing down into exhaustion, Locus had an excellent view of Felix’s wide eyes. Mostly because Felix was really close to his face, staring down at him. Panic was, yet again, evident in his face. He said, “Locus, there were sirens.” He didn’t ease back until Locus set a hand on his shoulder.

“Sirens,” Locus repeated lowly. He barely felt like he could keep his own head up, let alone have energy to calm Felix down. To Felix’s fervent retelling of sirens and the car in question disappearing, Locus pushed the blinds aside.

The sun was up outside, which made him wonder vaguely how long he had been asleep. A few of the cars in the parking lot had left, leaving tracks through the snow. Nowhere did he see any police cars, not even any ambulances. “There’s nothing there,” he said, cutting across Felix. “Whatever it was, it wasn’t here for you.”

“How do you know that?” Felix demanded. “Wash called the cops! I know he did. They could be downstairs, waiting for me, Locus - “

“They aren’t.”

“But what if they are?”

Locus let go of the blinds, turning back to Felix. He fought back a yawn, and said, “If there is someone down there waiting for you, I promise you that I will not let them get to you.”

Felix leaned away from him slightly, brow furrowed.

“I won’t let anyone take you to prison,” Locus said. “As long as we know each other, you can trust me.”

Locus wasn’t sure if even he believed what he was saying, but Felix seemed to buy it. After a couple of seconds, he nodded. He cast another look at the window, reaching for the blinds. At the last second, he paused, lowered his hand, and took Locus’s instead. For the second time that night, Locus felt Felix’s fingers slipping between his; this time, it came with Felix leaning securely against him.

His mind told him Felix was acting this way because of the drugs he had taken, that some part of his drug-laced paranoia had him doing this. Locus tried to ignore it, despite how insistent the thought was at the moment. As his eyes closed again, Locus squeezed Felix’s hand back, vaguely wishing that the moment wasn’t ruined by Felix’s drug use. He fell asleep thinking about how nice it was to be close to Felix when he was sober, when affection was returned willingly without paranoia pushing them together.

Hours later, Locus awoke again. This time, it was to find Felix draped over his lap, snoring. When exactly Felix had fallen asleep,  he wasn’t sure. Locus blinked a few times, riding his mind of sleep, and then shook Felix lightly by the shoulder.

No response, not even when Locus called his name.

In the end, Locus had to pick up Felix up. It turned out to be more difficult than he had thought; he had to move his legs from underneath Felix, slide an arm around his back and his knees. When he stood, Locus’s legs felt weak - of course Felix’s weight had given him pins-and-needles. Lifting Felix wasn’t too hard. He was still heavier than Locus would expect from his size, but there was something so comfortable about holding him like this.

Getting him into bed was a feat on its own. The sheets had to be pulled down, but with Felix in his arms and Locus still half-asleep himself, it took a few seconds before he figured it out. Lay Felix’s legs down first, reach over to tug the blankets loose; then, Locus had meant to lift his guest again, place him underneath the blankets and make sure he was comfortable. What he ended up doing was sort of rolling Felix over and then tossing the blankets around his middle.

Throughout the whole process, Felix hadn’t moved an inch. He didn’t even twitch when Locus laid down on the bed beside him.

Strange.

After a minute of lying there, gazing at Felix’s sleeping form, Locus rose again and took his seat at the desk. It was a quarter past ten now and he should get some tea and breakfast to wake up, but first he checked on his forum. The only response worth replying to asked if anything new had occurred during the night, and Locus answered with how heavily Felix was sleeping now. Was this a normal crash after an intense high, or something else? Could it be the drugs he had taken? Someone must know.

In the meantime, Locus went about his regular day. Breakfast, a quick shower; he put on another sweater over his shirt, pulled his hair up out of his face, and then made sure Felix had a pillow under his head. Briefly, he considered taking the sweater off of Felix - his sweater - and decided not to purely because of how absurd a task that would have been.

By noon, Locus began to realize that hiding in his room came with him glancing over at Felix every so often. He kept the lights off and the blinds closed, worrying that the light would wake Felix before he was rested.

For dinner, Grey wanted to take him out somewhere ‘fun’. “It’ll be nice to get out of the apartment,” she said. Locus hadn’t even seen her come home. “Don’t you get tired of being shut up in here? I’ve been home half the day and I hate it.”

“I’m not leaving,” Locus said. He was standing in his room with the door cracked open, purposefully blocking Felix from her line of sight. For some reason, letting someone know that he had Felix crashing from a high in his bed did not seem like a good idea.

He ordered pizza for dinner after Grey left him alone, eating it at his computer and only occasionally looking toward Felix. The forum was livening up again, now that its users were off of work and out of school, and Locus had some things to consider. The most frank response was simply to talk to Felix once he woke up and find out what he had taken that way.

The best one, the most useful one, was short: “Sounds like meth,” the user had replied. “Had a friend get involved with it. Nasty shit.”

Others had latched onto that one response, resulting in a very quickly evolving thread without a word from Locus other than the initial post. Someone, a name he didn’t recognize, had asked why he never bothered to just Google this rather than ask people for help. Locus ignored that - the next post was a breakdown of side effects of meth usage, given by someone who admitted to googling it for him. The rest of it was useless to him. Just the usual discussions that launched far beyond the subject at hand.

Locus spent far too long staring at that list of side effects. The paranoia, the panic, the mood swings; all of Felix’s erratic behavior was now explained for him. The scratching, his complaints of itching, were tactile hallucinations - “like bugs under the skin”, the post read. Felix scratched to relieve an itch that wouldn’t go away and, apparently, was worsened by things like water or clothing. Even the smell was listed, described as a strong, pungent odor.

Further down the page, someone else had said that those side effects listed described an addict. Despite how two separate people replied and said otherwise - that these same symptoms could show in even first time users, Locus glanced back at Felix and wondered if it was true, if Felix was an addict on top of being a serial killer.

The fact that he had never quite accepted the confession of murder didn’t matter. The possibility of both being true only multiplied his anxiety - if Felix was a killer, and if he was hooked on such a deadly addictive drug, there was no outcome that would end well. He could die from the drugs, be arrested for the drugs or the killings or for both.

Nothing good could come of this.

By the time Locus had turned his attention back to the forum, by the time he could comprehend the words on the screen, there was a new response directed at him. The person from before, the first one to suggest meth, asking him how long his friend had been asleep. After a quick glance at the clock, he answered; as it was almost seven in the evening, Felix had been sleeping for around nine hours.

The reply came quickly: “He could be out for a lot longer, just keep an eye on him. People I knew could sleep for days after a high.”

A possibility that only managed to increase Locus’s anxiety.

If Felix slept for days, did that mean he was an addict? What was Locus even supposed to do if he did sleep that long? What was the proper way to care for someone recovering from a meth high? It turned out that Locus was having more things to agonize over than he had thought possible. All of it - the drugs, the murders, all that had happened the night before - it chased itself around in his head until he could feel the headache pushing at his skull. Bad enough to rival the anxiety.

To even think of sleeping himself, Locus had to take a pill.

At nine-thirty, he caught himself frowning fiercely at Felix as if he could pull the information he wanted out of the other person by force. He left his room for a snack, using it as an excuse to figure out where Grey was - her room, the noise beyond the door gave it away - and then relocated to the living room to watch TV. Surely it was a sign of the medicine kicking in that he didn’t sit there and wonder about Felix nonstop.

It was when he tried to sleep himself that he noticed how little Felix had moved. Over twelve hours of steady rest, and Felix looked as if he had barely twitched in his sleep. Locus had laid beside him for barely five minutes before he sat up again, staring at Felix in the darkness. It was just after midnight now, and Locus was positive that this was the same position he had left Felix lying in. Slowly, he set a hand on Felix’s shoulder, running his palm over the sweater to one bare hand (cool as always) and then he was tracing over Felix’s cheekbone with one finger. He swept his hand again over Felix’s shoulder, over his side, down his hip and up over his back. The only movement from Felix was small - a shift of his legs, one arm moving an inch closer to where Locus sat.

For some reason, Locus felt that he couldn’t sleep here tonight. Something about Felix sleeping so soundly, so deeply, made it feel wrong. Like his presence tainted the rest Felix so greedily soaked up.

Locus relocated to the living room, bringing a spare blanket and his phone. He set an alarm for early in the morning in the hopes of avoiding Grey, and, somehow, fell into a dreamless sleep.

In the morning, when Locus made it back into his room and found Felix still lying in the same spot, the same position, he couldn’t stop himself. He sat on the edge of the bed, and shook Felix lightly.

Nothing at first. But it had been nearly a day now, and it was too early for the anxiety to start. He needed Felix to be awake before terrible thoughts took root.

When Felix roused, it was with a low, grumbling whine, a noise like something had died in his throat. Locus kept his hands tight on Felix’s shoulders until the other had opened his eyes. A very tired, slightly confused, stare was focused on him and all Locus could think to say was, “How do you still smell this bad?”

Felix’s brow furrowed, but the look in his eyes was still mostly confused. “...What?” His voice was soft, weighted. Exhausted.

“I made you shower,” Locus muttered. He pulled his hands back with a frown, chiding himself for starting the morning like this. “Thought that would take care of it.”

In the bed, Felix sat up with what seemed like a monumental effort. He looked at his hands, the sweater he still wore, and said, “I stink?”

He really should have had something ready to say. Even just ‘good morning, Felix’ would have been better. “Yes,” Locus said. He stood, turning away from Felix with a sigh. “It’s… not as bad as before.”

A few seconds of silence swam between them, and when Locus chanced a glance back, it was to see Felix plucking at the end of one sleeve. “I should shower,” he said, failing to stifle a yawn. “Can you make me coffee? Or bring me water. Juice?” Those tired eyes focused on Locus again and he shrugged one shoulder. “All of it? Dying of thirst here.”

Locus agreed to coffee.

✹ ✹ ✹

Underneath the water, Felix tried his damnedest to shake off the grogginess of sleep. The heat of the shower didn’t help, and for some reason, the scent of Locus’s soap only made him want to curl up underneath the blankets and sleep more. While he was in there, the door opened, and Felix watched Locus’s figure set something on top of the closed toilet. Clothes, as it turned out. The same outfit Felix had worn when he had left with Miguel, neatly folded and clean. He stood there with the towel in one hand, dripping water all over Locus’s floor, and considered first the pile of clothes and then the sweatpants he had shed earlier.

Felix left the bedroom wearing his clean underwear and Locus’s warm sweatpants. In the kitchen, Locus was cooking and it only took one whiff for Felix’s stomach to roar. He wasn’t even sure what was being cooked, but he wanted all of it. He perched on a stool at the bar, staring past Locus at the stove. It felt just a little awkward, and Felix assumed he was supposed to break the silence. “Uh, hey.“

A cup of coffee was placed in front of him before he could say anything else, then no-dairy creamer and sugar. Locus said nothing and Felix fixed up his coffee in silence, frowning. He knew they were supposed to talk and he dreaded it, but there was a monster in the room. This presence that something bigger had happened, and for the life of him, Felix couldn’t put together what had happened now. Last night had been a mess, but at this point, Felix was too tired to figure out which stupid ideas were due to the drugs and which had actually happened.

He remembered being positive Wash had turned him in, but that seemed so incredibly illogical right now. He was way too careful to be found out by someone like Wash. But then there was something about the police - sirens were very clear, very loud; something had happened, but whatever it was, it hadn’t ended with him in prison. Yet, anyway.

And then there was Locus, and Felix wasn’t sure if he wanted to know why he had ended up here. He had his own memories, sure, but he was hoping being high as fuck was responsible and it hadn’t happened at all.

Felix sipped at his coffee, sighing. This was too much to think about right now. He took a couple swallows of coffee, burning his mouth, and then tried again to engage Locus. Not to talk about anything serious just, “Can I have that food? And some water?”

Locus looked his way, eyes sharp, expression guarded. He said, “Breakfast isn’t finished. You can have water when the coffee is gone.” Not even his voice gave anything away.

The allure of coffee was gone somehow. He wanted water, along with whatever he could find in Locus’s fridge. He finished his coffee just to get Locus to hand over some water - with ice, he demanded ice - and drank that in the time it took for the food to be done. Another glass came with the food and Felix momentarily forgot the awkward tension between them as he took a bite. He ate, watching Locus take his own food over to table, and when he remembered the talk they needed to have all he managed to say was, “S’good.”

Locus looked at him, asked, “Why aren’t you wearing your own clothes?” and didn’t seem satisfied with Felix’s answer that this was more comfortable. He said nothing else.

Felix tried to pretend he didn’t care. That he wasn’t still held captive by this relentless nervous energy. He told himself all he wanted from Locus was to know exactly what happened, because if what he remembered wasn’t some kind of meth deluded bullshit, then Felix was in deep shit. He slid off the stool to get a second plate of food, glancing at Locus as he walked past. Still not easy to read - there was a furrow in Locus’s brow, his eyes focused on the table, but no readable expression beyond irritation.

Could just be that he was annoyed with Felix in general. The way Felix had left things between them was good enough reason for that.

Still…

Felix cleared his throat while he piled more food on his plate. HIs back was turned to Locus, but he was sure the man would focus on him. “So. About last night, I uh… I’m not entirely sure what really happened and what was just, y’know…. fueled by drugs, so - “

“What were you on?”

He hadn’t expected Locus to say anything. Kind of threw him off a little. He turned, frowning, and caught Locus staring at him. For a moment, he only stared back. “Meth,” he said quietly. “I don’t think I’ll take it again.”

“Do you take drugs often?”

“Are you gonna give me a lecture if I say yes?” Locus dropped his gaze, but Felix caught that flash of intensity and sighed. He set the plate down and crossed the distance between them as he talked. “Look, most of what I do is weed, okay? And only on days when I don’t have anything else to do. I’m not an idiot, I like to have a clear head. I _need_ to.” He was at the chair beside Locus now and his fingers curled over the top of it. “I don’t have a good history with hard drugs. I don’t do them often. I’m not an addict.”

He thought that’d be enough. But then Locus asked more questions - first, it was if ‘most’ of what Felix took was weed, what was the rest? Felix considered telling him the truth, that he had taken ecstasy at a few parties in the past few months, but instead said, “Does alcohol count?”

The next one came while Felix was turning his back to get his food: “What do you mean by not having a good history with hard drugs?”

Felix answered before he could stop himself. “Did cocaine once. Had a threesome that had really shitty consequences.” He stood with his back to Locus for all of three seconds, eyes on the ceiling as he cursed inwardly for saying something that would likely only end in more questions. “But we’re not going to talk about my drug use, are we?” he asked.

Locus didn’t speak until Felix was setting the plate down on the table. “No,” he said quietly, “I suppose we aren’t.”

That would have been a relief if Felix wasn’t certain the jackass would bring it up later. If the opportunity showed itself, at least. He filled his glass with more iced water, drinking from it steadily, waiting for Locus to start talking with a racing heart. Felt like ages before Locus finally said something else; Felix was sitting next to him at the table by then, shoveling food in his mouth and wondering what else Locus would be willing to let him eat.

He said, “You mentioned last night,” and Felix made a noise of agreement around a mouthful of food. Locus sighed and continued - “What about last night did you want to talk about? Obviously it wasn’t you being high on meth and coming to my apartment at four in the morning.”

The irritation in his voice was clear. Seemed to be the only thing Locus was capable of feeling right now.

After a moment, Felix realized he had to say something here, that Locus was waiting for him to continue the conversation. There were options here, but the most important one was what spilled out. “I threw away my meat, right?” he asked.

Locus nodded.

Felix cursed softly, so quiet he was sure Locus couldn’t hear. If he threw away the meat, then his stupid high paranoid self had probably done exactly what he was fearing - exactly what he had been hoping was a dream of some kind. A touch of nerves sparked in his gut again, and he poked at his food with the fork. “So then… you’ll know some things.”

A pretty lame way to phrase it, but he was willing to cut himself some slack.

A part of him wanted more food, something different. He was halfway up from the chair when Locus said, “You wanted to get rid of evidence.” A pause, where Felix froze and stared down at his half-eaten plate of food. “You said the police had found someone, and that you would go to jail for having meat.”

Felix looked up, steeling himself for the inevitable.

“If I understood you correctly,” Locus continued, “you had human flesh in your room, cut like steaks, that belonged to a man pulled out of a frozen river.”

And there it was - the big reveal, the big confirmation that Felix had been high and stupid enough to just toss out the one thing he shouldn’t have. He groaned, collapsing back in the chair, and found himself staring at the ceiling. So many other secrets he could have told, so many things he could have said that would have been far less worse. With a curse, he pressed one hand over his eyes.

Already, the only clear-cut option he could see was pushed to the front of his mind.

To protect himself, Felix would have to kill Locus. Somehow, he had to overpower this monster of a man, murder him, dispose of the body, and not be linked to it. It’d be tough - he killed those he wasn’t connected to for a damn good reason - but he’d have to do it. There was no way he could stay free otherwise.

Thinking it made it feel like his heart was sinking, and he talked to ignore it. “Alright then. So, you know.” He dropped his hand from his face, sitting up straight and focusing on Locus for all of one second, and then he was on his feet, pacing in tight circles. “You know what I do and who I am. You, of all people, are the first one to have the pleasure of knowing that I - “

“You actually killed them, then?” Locus interrupted.

Felix paused, tossing him another look. If he knew about the meat, why would he have to ask? “Well - yes.”

Locus actually looked a little sheepish when he replied. “I was hoping that it might have been something foolish you thought was true.”

Felix stared.

“Because of the drugs,” Locus added. There was definitely a hint of embarrassment to his face now and if Felix wasn’t currently berating himself, he might have made fun of it.

He ended up saying, “Fuck me. You could have _started_ with that.”

Could have let Felix avoid spitting it out. Could have avoided this whole disaster that was between them now, with Locus staring at him and Felix immediately turning away. His heart was beating his ribs to death again, frantic energy starting to pulse through his tired body. Now he definitely had to kill Locus. Such a shame.

He opened the fridge and heard Locus ask, “What are you doing?”

“I’m gonna need more food.”

“You didn’t even finish what you have.”

“Something different, alright? Fuck, I need to think and I need food to think ‘cause all I can focus on is how goddamn hungry I am.” And how fucked he was, that too. Just one grand whirlwind of his fuckups and his ravenous hunger. He was still cursing as he tossed some leftovers into the microwave, ignoring Locus calling his name, telling him that that food was Grey’s. He bit into it with a frown as soon as it left the microwave and grumbled, “This fuckin’ shit isn’t real meat, what the fuck.”

“Grey’s a vegetarian,” Locus said.

“Fuckin’ fantastic.”

He ate half the bowl anyway before giving up and closing it, putting it back where it belonged. There was a quick, cheap meal in the freezer and he had that in the microwave before Locus spoke again. “Felix, we have to talk about this.”

Felix pulled a can of soda from the fridge rather than answer. He was still trying to piece together what to do - how to do it, how to lure Locus away somewhere and kill him. He was so hungry that his sides ached, stomach rumbling, and he chose to give in to that rather than the growing thought that he didn’t want to be the cause of death for this man. He didn’t get attached to people. This shouldn’t be a problem.

Hands landed on his shoulders and he jumped, startled out of his thoughts. It was Locus, of course, who else could it be? Felix still pulled away from him, stepping back until he hit the counter. A quick glance from Locus’s damned unreadable face to the microwave showed four minutes left.

“You need to calm down,” Locus said.

“Excuse me?”

“You look like you’re going to jump out of your own skin.”

Felix laughed, a nervous, fake sound that he hated. “Yeah, well. What do you want from me, Locus? I was ready to get away from you - “ Fuck, there was the other thing they had to talk about. “ - and now here I am. With you. My biggest secret just tossed out into the open.” He gestured grandly toward Locus, then paused to take a deep breath. As much as he hated to admit it, Locus was right. He really needed to calm down.

Locus said, again, “You killed them.”

It wasn’t a question. Felix nodded. “Yeah. Killed them, watched them die, took pieces off to eat.”

He wasn’t sure what he expected here. Disgust? Rage? Something along those lines. All Locus said was, “Why?”

It turned out Felix didn’t really have an answer to that, not one that was easy to explain, easy for someone to accept. He fumbled over his words for a moment, staring at Locus and thinking it’d be a pity to watch life fade from those eyes. “It’s… therapeutic,” he managed finally, thinking of how calming it proved to be.

From the look on Locus’s face, he didn’t understand.

Two and a half minutes left before the food was done. “I kill to relax myself,” Felix said. “Because there’s something so thrilling about overpowering anyone, and it’s calming when the adrenaline fades. Because being so powerful it’s - it’s hard to describe.” It was the greatest feeling in the world.

“It’s dangerous.”

“Is it?”

“Killing people?” Locus raised his eyebrows, managed to look bemused. Something other irritation, nice. “Yes. It’s extremely dangerous.”

Felix shrugged. “Better than some alternatives,” he said blandly. He rubbed at the scar along his arm without thinking, frowning. “I want to eat. Once that’s done, or even while I’m eating, feel free to ask me things. But not right now. You’re crowding me in your kitchen, and it’s ridiculous.” With that, he got Locus to back off and bought himself a couple of minutes to pull himself together.

He could talk about the murders, he thought. Easily. Just had to avoid bad topics, and try to steer the conversation toward what Locus was planning to do. He assumed the police hadn’t been notified yet - Locus hoping he hadn’t been telling the truth was enough of a reason, and there was the fact that he surely would have woken up in prison otherwise. But if this was going to go as badly as he thought, if Locus was going to call and turn him in, Felix needed a plan and quick.

Too bad his knives weren’t here.

He took the microwave dinner and the drink to the living room, where Locus had relocated himself, and sat at the far end from the man. He had gotten two bites into this fantastically disgusting food before Locus asked him, “If you commit murder in order to relax, what is going on in your life that’s so drastic?”

Felix shrugged. “I wouldn’t say anything’s that bad,” he said, swirling a piece of meat through cheap gravy. “It’s more like… my alternatives aren’t good enough. Nothing works as well.”

“Have you tried therapy?” Locus deadpanned.

It was delivered so flatly, Felix almost mistook it as a joke. But Locus didn’t know how to joke. Certainly not about things like this. Still, he paused with the fork in his mouth, then took the time to swallow before saying, “I’m not going to talk about my feelings with some grade A twat, so no. I didn’t try therapy.”

“Perhaps you should.”

“Perhaps you should shut up.” He stared down at his food and frowned. “What am I supposed to say to a therapist? ‘Hi, I kill people for fun! Care to give me some alternatives?’ That’s fuckin’ bullshit.”

From the opposite end of the couch, Locus was snorting and Felix glared at him. A tired, lackluster glare, but it worked all the same. “I’m sorry,” Locus said. It didn’t sound true at all. “You make a good point.”

“Yeah, I know.” Didn’t have to be laughed at for it.  

Was it a good sign if Locus was laughing about this?

Another handful of seconds passed in silence, Felix eating slowly and staring in the direction of the balcony. The curtain was open a couple of inches, and Felix stared at the piles of snow even as Locus spoke again. “Have you tried… hunting?” Locus suggested.

“No.” He called what he did hunting but Locus didn’t need to know that, didn’t need to know how Felix saw everyone as prey, as weaker than him. “Never really cared for guns.” Something pulled at his mind, some magazine about guns that he had flipped through in this very apartment. He looked back to Locus to smile - an attempt at his usual charming smirk that fell short. “Going to bet you have hunted, and that you’re the one living here who has a gun affinity, though. Cute, but I’m afraid I prefer other methods.”

“Knives,” Locus said.

Felix’s tired smile grew. He didn’t answer, didn’t see a reason too. Locus knew about the murders, the cases - the stab wounds and the slices. Felix loved his knives and it was no secret that he used them to kill. He looked back at the balcony door; the snow outside was glinting in early morning sunlight and he sincerely hoped the sun would melt it all. To Locus, he said, “What time is it, by the way?”

Locus’s answer came moments later. “Quarter past seven.”

“In the morning?” He was never awake this early. This was blasphemy. Also, he was pretty sure he had passed out during daylight hours so - “Wait, what day is it?”

“The ninth,” Locus said instantly. “You slept for nearly twenty hours.”

Felix blinked. Honestly, that was a bit surprising. What kind of high ended with him sleeping that much? A fucking terrible one, obviously. “Holy shit,” he muttered, gazing down at the now empty plate. At least that explained why he was so hungry. Shit, and he had work later today. What a disaster.

In the next few seconds, Felix took a breath to speak and released it in a quiet sigh instead. Locus spoke instead: “Are you… are you still frightened that you’ll be caught?”

Felix made a face. “No.” He looked at Locus and felt his gut clench. He wouldn’t be caught because he would always cover his tracks, even when it meant getting rid of this man. “I won’t let that happen. I’m too careful.”

If he ignored the night before, anyway.

“Last night - “

“I was high. And a bit delusional, if you hadn’t noticed.” He spoke with venom and instantly reeled it back. It wasn’t Locus’s fault if he was irritated at how quickly his night had soured. “I’d rather not talk about it, alright?”

Locus looked as if he wanted to keep going, keep pushing, but he relented and nodded.

To break the silence that was rising, the one that would no doubt be awkward, Felix said, “Kind of wish I still had the meat though.” A moment later, he had a flash of memory - of telling Locus where his meat came from, and he laughed. “Oh. You, uh… you know about the meat, then.”

“Yes.” He sounded offended, for some reason, and Felix couldn’t help but laugh more. Then Locus added, “You fed me human flesh,” and Felix snorted. “It isn’t funny,” Locus said. “Not only do you commit such a terrible act, but you give it to unwitting people. You feed other people this - this - “

“I give my friends people meat, yeah,” Felix said. He flashed a lazy grin at Locus, with as much life as he could push his tired body to give. “And eat it myself. Big secret.”

“Why?”

Felix pretended not to understand, letting his grin disappear in favor of a quizzical look. “Why what? Why feed my friends? Why subject people to my cooking?”

Locus had gone back to looking highly irritated, all the humor and good nature that his words had had replaced in an instant. “Why would you do such a thing? What in your life made you think committing cannibalism was a good idea?”

“Lots of things.” And none of it was something Locus needed to know. He shrugged, said, “I was curious, at first, and then it tasted good so. Why not, yknow?”

“I have plenty of reasons for ‘why not’.”

“And I don’t really want to talk about it.” Judging by the look of barely contained anger on Locus’s face, this was something he had been itching to discuss. It wouldn’t surprise Felix - all the things he had heard, seen online, every piece of information about his murders made some huge deal about the missing flesh. The suspected cannibalism that most mentioned was such a hot topic with people who followed the cases like Locus did.

Why he was angry, though, that was something that would have been interesting to find out on another day. Might just be that Felix fed the meat to him.

It was probably that.

Eventually, after minutes started to trickle by in silence, he asked Locus where his phone was and got a curt answer that it was on the desk in Locus’s room. Once Felix had it in his hands, he frowned at the time and the date - seriously, work started at two and he felt like he could sleep through it. Could probably go back to sleep now. Or, he could if his stomach wasn’t so persistently demanding food.

There were a couple of messages on his phone from Miguel and Felix left them all unread.

Minutes later, Felix was back to heating things up in Locus’s microwave, letting his mind wander. Only place it wanted to go, though, was the subject of how he was going to stop Locus from reporting him. It was only a matter of time, especially now that he had pulled the confession out of Felix’s mouth.

When he sat back down with the food, Locus was still sitting at the edge of the couch. The TV was on - news, of course - and Felix took a seat closer to Locus and started to pick at his food. He was hungry, but it didn’t seem all that appetizing.

Locus said, “I have one more thing I want to ask you.”

Felix assumed that meant one last thing before he had the cops called on his ass. Maybe he should have taken a knife from the kitchen. “Shoot,” he said.

“Why have you been so distant?”

It wasn’t that surprising, really. Even if Felix had paused with food raised to his mouth. He had been expecting this earlier and should have known it’d come up eventually. Probably would have remembered it was an issue if he hadn’t been sitting here thinking about murdering Locus to cover his own mistakes. He took a moment to pull himself together, remind himself how simple the explanation was, but when he went to speak, all that came out was, “Uhm.”

Excellent job. Fuckin’ amazing.

Locus said nothing and Felix had the idea he was waiting. Waiting for Felix to get words together or waiting for his own anxiety to fade, either one.

“I, uh… I don’t enjoy romance,” Felix started. He glanced at Locus, caught the man’s gaze for one second, and then dropped his own to the floor. “It’s uncomfortable.” Never mind why; he didn’t want to talk about how awkward it was to deal with real romance when he didn’t have the need for it.

“You ran,” Locus said.

Felix looked back at him, frowning. “I didn’t.”

“You did.” Locus’s gaze was steady, eyes narrowed. It was intense, but muted, and Felix swallowed down a burst of nerves. These conversations sucked. “You ran from me, and all because you don’t like romance?”

“It’s complicated.”

“Then explain it.”

“I don’t - “ He had almost said he didn’t want to, but the way Locus was looking, that wouldn’t be a good enough answer. Instead, he paused and then a lot of mess spilled out. Things he wouldn’t have said on a usual day. “It makes me nervous, okay? I don’t have relationships. I don’t get why I should, or why other people want one so badly. I don’t like attachments, or being tied to one person, or having to care about someone in a way that everyone thinks I should. Romance has never been a good option for me, it’s never going to be one.

“I never ran from you.” Felix stared into Locus’s eyes and could feel himself drowning. “If I ran, it was from a relationship. It was from being trapped here.”

Again, a silence set in. Felix was certain he had said too much.

Finally, Locus said, “What did I do to make you uncomfortable?”

Felix shrugged. He leaned back into the couch, once again refusing to meet Locus’s eye. “Do you like me?” he asked.

The answer was quiet: “Yes.”

“Then that’s why. I can tell when people really like me, and it’s always uncomfortable.” Another pause, and Felix sighed. “The affection,” he said. “That’s what set me off, I think. I don’t care for as much as you were willing to give.”

“You never complained before,” Locus said. “I know I’ve only known you a few months, but you always seemed fine with everything.”

“I was.”

“Then what happened?”

Felix squirmed where he sat, crossing his arms over his chest. For a guy he was supposed to be killing off, Locus sounded far too earnest. This was too serious of a conversation to have. “You remember my stupid crush?” he asked, not waiting for an answer. “Of course you do. I poured out my sugar just to talk to you, stole your mail, that kind of shit. Those things never last. I have a lot of fleeting crushes and when they’re gone, that’s it. It never comes back and things get … well, they get pretty fuckin’ awkward.”

Like right now. This was a fair example of awkward. Felix could feel the blush creeping into his face, and that was just because Locus had him sitting here, talking. About feelings. “I liked you,” he said, and the heat in his face only grew, “I really did. But it wasn’t going to last and I don’t want to fake it. I don’t want to put up with you and your touching, and kissing - well, okay, that’s fine. Kissing’s fine.”

Ah, fantastic. He was so embarrassed he was starting to ramble.

It was a relief when Locus quieted him. “Felix,” he said, voice low. “I never meant to make you uncomfortable.” He moved closer until he was sitting next to Felix, and then he reached out with one hand, hesitated, and lowered it back to his lap. “I’m sorry if I did. But the distance you put between us hardly solves the problem.”

“It usually does,” Felix muttered.

Locus either didn’t hear him or ignored that. “If you don’t like me anymore, then that’s all you had to say.”

Felix’s face felt like it was on fire and he sighed. He didn’t want to say what he was going to, but - “I do like you, just not in that way.” Emotions sucked. Caring for people sucked, even if it wasn’t romantic. Felix made a face, chewing on his lip before speaking again. “I think I avoided you for so long instead of cutting you loose like I would with other people because I actually like you. Like, as a person, I like you.”

This was a big thing. There weren’t many people Felix actually liked. But when he looked up to Locus, he was met with that same steady stare, not a change in sight when the guy should have been rejoicing at Felix bothering to even tell him this.

Locus said, “Are we friends then?’

“Only if friends fuck,” Felix said. He said it without thinking, but it was fine. “ ‘Cause if you think I want to give up the sex, you’re out of your fucking mind.”

“Friends who - “ Locus was frowning now. “That’s all you want from me? Really? Nothing else, just sex?”

Felix cursed, running both hands through his hair. This was way he didn’t talk about this kind of thing. No one understood what he meant. “No, I just - shit, I don’t know! Everything else too, just - maybe not so much.” He wanted Locus and he hated that he had admitted to it. If there was just a little less affection, it would help. Other things too but the affection and the obvious hints of romance had to stop.

“Tell me what you want,” Locus said. “I want to understand, Felix.”

“I - I don’t want the romance,” Felix said. “Like, none of it. I know you like me, but I can’t handle that shit. At best, all you’re going to get out of it is me telling you how gross it is.” The worst was what he had been doing: freezing people out and hoping they moved on and left him alone. “Just - I don’t know, Locus. I’ve never… done this.”

He meant the talking, so much focus on what he wanted and needed. It was odd and Locus’s unwavering gaze was making him nervous.

Locus said, “I can try not to push it,” and Felix wondered what this meant. “We can find a way for you to feel better about it all.” He paused, frowned, and added, “Not the romance. Our - situation, what we have between us.“ He didn’t say it was a relationship and Felix was thankful for that. Even if his logic told him that’s what this was turning into, he didn’t want to hear it.

After a moment, Felix remembered his plans to kill Locus, and realized how useless this whole conversation would be if he had to do it. So he said, “Hey, uh… Are you not going to turn me in? Most people would.”

Instead of answering, Locus asked, “How do you feel about affection right now?”

Felix paused. “I… Why?” He wasn’t sure what he expected, but he was pulled into an embrace. Locus’s arms slid around him slowly, cautiously. And Felix relaxed almost instantly, bringing his hands up to rest on Locus’s shoulders; the grip around him tightened in response. Whatever he might have with Locus, this type of thing was nice every now and then. And Locus was still so warm.

With one hand stroking Felix’s back, Locus said, “I will never turn you in. I thought about it, while you were sleeping, but none of those people are as important as you. Not a single one of their lives is worth yours. I promise you, Felix. As long as you’re with me, I won’t give you up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> story resumes in Kings. follow the series arrow to reach it easily.


	16. note take two

A note was previously added to the end of this story near, maybe, the tail end of February. This is the second attempt at it. The redux note. Mulligan note. 

Anyway.

This story - the entire modern au itself - is a complete monster. My best guess totals the amount of chapters as somewhere between 35 and 40. That's long. Very long. There's a possibility for it to become even longer as I write, when scenes present themselves in different ways than intended, when chapters are longer than intended, when things have to be shuffled around and reordered to make sure the flow of each chapter is as I want it to be. 

So, for the story to progress in a calm manner,

For myself to write it without having pointless stress about the incomplete status of it,

To keep the damn thing well-organized and neat,

The modern au story itself has been split into three separate fics. Each fic is one act - for it is, at its core, a three act story. The first act is _Giants_ , which is the entire 15 chapters you've read thus far. The second act is _Kings_. It's currently sitting at two chapters. If you've missed it being published and haven't read those two chapters, I've created the series to group them together. Just click the little arrow to continue. 

Thank you for reading the story so far, and if you choose to continue, thanks for reading that too. 

This note will remain for a little while, since I'm having surgery tomorrow and may end up forgetting that it exists. Eventually it will be deleted and Giants will return to its completed status as 15/15 chapters as it should be. 


End file.
